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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to attend my graduation

405 replies

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 11:59

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

OP posts:
OtraCosaMariposa · 30/10/2019 14:30

Well done OP and congratulations on your achievement.

Of COURSE it's important to have your partner at your graduation and I can't believe that other people are saying it's no big deal.

A perfect solution would be for him to go to the ceremony and everyone meet up later for a meal as a joint graduation and birthday celebration.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/10/2019 14:38

What's the saying - don't make someone your priority when for them, you're an option.

The January situation - you can't live your life constantly waiting for the 'final straw'.

If you know in your heart he won't put you first because you aren't important enough, then you know what to do. Especially before you make that leap into marriage.

Funny how so many men with previous families simply line up another partner, set up a new life with home comforts... and then pretty much act as if their loyalties are exactly as they were originally. Sounds like you (and especially your new earning power) are nice and convenient, but he's not a true partner.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/10/2019 14:39

I wonder what he'd say if you decided your children and their future should come first, and so you get a mortgage alone so that they have security for the future?

I don't think he'd like it very much!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/10/2019 14:42

You may choose not to put your DC first at times but he’s free to make his own choices. He doesn’t have residency of his children so ensures they know they are still his priority. That’s exactly how it should be regardless of any new partner that comes along. It would be a huge red flag if his children became secondary in his life.

Myimaginaryfamiliarhasfleas · 30/10/2019 14:45

I can see why you would be hurt, OP. I think it's great that he is making his DD a priority. But he's doing it unthinkingly, iyswim. He hasn't considered whether this is something she would actually want if she knew the circumstances.

I think there are other ways to approach this. He could explain that this is a one off event and ask her how she feels about him attending, stressing that her feelings are important in what he ends up doing.

If she would be disappointed, then I think you have to accept that and be glad your mum can attend (and take lots of photos!)

Bloody well done, btw!Thanks

splitthedifference · 30/10/2019 14:47

Correct me if I'm jumping to conclusions, but might there be an ex in the background who will give him absolute hell if he isn't seen to be putting his DD first at all times, does he know that you will just be quietly hurt rather than go nuclear, and is he prone, in typical male fashion, to taking the path of least resistance?

AzraiL · 30/10/2019 14:48

You are not being unreasonable. Why get engaged/married if you're not going to witness eachothers important milestones and achievements?

And for what? A ten minute car ride that his DD won't even care about as he's already taking her out for breakfast in the morning? And it's not even a tradition that she's sentimental about? And you get only one graduation ceremony whereas she will hopefully have many many more birthdays in her future? And it's not even a 'big' birthday age like 16 or 18? What a complete and utter twat waffle.

You've done something massive, OP. Congratulations! Enjoy your day. I hope he drops his DD off and then his car breaks down. And then some other car drives past him through a puddle and soaks him.

Sagradafamiliar · 30/10/2019 14:50

I would never miss any of my children's birthdays for anything. Not anything. Even if it's just for 5 minutes which they'll find 'embarrassing'. So that's what it comes down to for me as a parent.
Maybe you could share your day with your parents. I didn't even go to my second one, I was just glad to have it over with, I only needed it for work anyway.

Chickychickydodah · 30/10/2019 14:59

He’s probably jealous you have achieved something so fantastic and can’t handle your reward. Well done

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/10/2019 15:02

I agree with you OP. I could understand it a bit more had he planned something special for his DD’s birthday, but to just do the school run? His DD will hopefully have many more birthdays, a couple much more special than her 15th. You are unlikely to have another MSc graduation. Unlike others on this thread, I don’t feel that children should be put first every single time.

Motoko · 30/10/2019 15:02

I would never miss any of my children's birthdays for anything. Not anything. Even if it's just for 5 minutes which they'll find 'embarrassing'.

Never? Even when they're adults, and might be living 100s/1000s of miles away, or would rather spend it with their friends?

RhiWrites · 30/10/2019 15:02
  • I don’t know why you think I can just turn up on a different day confused There are multiple ceremonies because each ceremony is for different subjects or faculties. My subject is on that day at that specific time, if I can’t attend then I don’t get to attend a graduation ceremony.*

@TheFatherSonAndHolyToast
Because I worked in a university for over a decade and students could choose between different ceremony dates and it was not unusual for students to graduate with (as I said) a different cohort when there was a difficulty with the initial proposed date.

@Gottobefree
I’m not making this up. It’s not an uncommon problem and universities are typically flexible about it. I am trying to use my specific knowledge of this area to assist the OP in resolving her problem. This is actually something I know something about. I’ve coordinated graduations for my faculty.

Celticrose · 30/10/2019 15:03

I would never miss any of my children's birthdays for anything. Not anything. Even if it's just for 5 minutes which they'll find 'embarrassing'. So that's what it comes down to for me as a parent

Sounds a bit smothering to me. I had a big birthday recently and my DH took me away. Should I have taken my mum as well so she could see me on my birthday?

Worriedmum1511 · 30/10/2019 15:05

I don't see why he can't compromise. Graduations are a one off and a big deal.

Mine falls on my own daughters birthday 🤦‍♀️

SummerHouse · 30/10/2019 15:08

I don't think either of you are BU.

Helpful.

Noflora · 30/10/2019 15:16

Many congratulations OP, that really is something to be proud of. It is very telling and worrying that your DP isn't.

My DIL deferred her graduation from January until the summer so that she shared a ceremony with my DS (same subject) so that is definitely possible at some universities. But she was awarded her Best in Year award in absentia so perhaps that element has to be awarded in front of her own cohort. So a shame she missed that.

MulticolourMophead · 30/10/2019 15:21

I would never miss any of my children's birthdays for anything. Not anything. Even if it's just for 5 minutes which they'll find 'embarrassing'. So that's what it comes down to for me as a parent

And the DP won't be missing his DD's birthday as he's taking her out for breakfast. It's not just the afterschool pickup.

Sagradafamiliar · 30/10/2019 15:23

Can't remember the PPs who pulled me up for being smothering because I won't miss my children's birthdays but I laughed out loud at the thought of them thinking I meant my children as adults as well! Grin

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 15:25

@Sagradafamiliar he won’t be missing his DD’s birthday, he’s seeing her in the morning. He’ll only miss a 10 min car journey

OP posts:
Belindabelle · 30/10/2019 15:26

So will he be doing this with his younger daughter on her birthday in April? Is this going to be a new tradition going forward. Why did he not do this last year or the year before or on any of the past however many years he has been separated from their mum.

Of course you would want to see your child on their birthday and he will see his daughter for breakfast. Picking her up from school for a 10 min journey is not a treat that any 15 year old I know would be remotely interested in. What if she already has plans with her friends?

There is more to this. Either he is jealous, feels inferior or just doesn't care that much about you. If he had a credible reason as to why he did not want to attend that would be one thing. But to use his daughters birthday as an excuse to not support you and celebrate your achievement is wrong.

How about telling him that the date has been changed to the Wednesday or the week after and see what his reaction is?

Cherry4weans · 30/10/2019 15:28

My daughter would be upset with her dad if he missed something like that for a car ride on her birthday. If he is that concerned he could make a big fuss of her in many other ways. I think it's an excuse and I think it's a shame. You should be so so proud of yourself for what you have achieved don't let anyone drag you down.

Sagradafamiliar · 30/10/2019 15:30

And yet it's important to him, OP. That's what he wants to do. Sorry I see it from his perspective, but others see it from yours or both.
Why not just enjoy your day as it's a personal achievement, and celebrate it together in the evening or another day with a meal?

Lovemenorca · 30/10/2019 15:34

15
Close to my dad
Divorced parents

I would have loved my dad taking day off and taking and collecting me from school. Breakfast - lovely. Collecting me from school and taking me to my mum’s? It would have meant a lot because absolutely nothing in it for him ie no brekkie or anything. He is doing something completely for me. And that would have meant a lot

NorthernSpirit · 30/10/2019 15:34

No, YANBU.

Thanks can’t stand all this kids come first rubbish - no wonder kids are being so entitled. Everyone is equal and this is a one off for you.

Congrats on your results, such an achievement!

EileenAlanna · 30/10/2019 15:35

@TheFatherSonAndHolyToast he's showing you what he thinks of you, your hard work & fantastic achievement ( congrats Flowers ) - a big fat zero. Believe him & move on. You deserve better.