To want DP to attend my graduation

[TheFatherSonAndHolyToast]

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

Thinking that his child's birthday is less important than your graduation is matter of opinion, not a gospel truth. His opinion on the matter clearly differs, and frankly I'd never think less of someone for putting their child first.

Congratulations! I can only imagine how hard that is... when I contemplate the possibility I feel so daunted!

Thinking that his child's birthday is less important than your graduation is matter of opinion, not a gospel truth. His opinion on the matter clearly differs

I suppose the crux of this is, what has he done to “put them first” on all their other birthdays?

@Cohle if he'd otherwise be spending the whole day with the birthday girl, that would be one thing. But this whole thread is about TEN MINUTES of the day, that they'd spend in the car. Having already had a birthday celebration the day before, and a birthday breakfast on the day.

So basically he's refusing to support and celebrate his partner's massive achievement for a ten minute car ride that his 15 year old is unlikely to appreciate because she'd rather go home with her friends.

I think that if DF always collected his DC from school on their birthdays, then there is a precedent and he may have an argument although OP might then say missing once won't matter

I'm just wondering if there is more to this.
He could be jealous/threatened by your academic success? If this is the case then you need to have a serious conversation before going ahead with your marriage.

I agree he’s being rather precious about this, I’d be really hurt and cross in your position. He can compromise with his daughter, you’ve worked bloody hard and he should be appreciative of that. Doesn’t bode well for your future does it ?

YANBU
jheez cant belive the comments on this thread. He is seeing her on the Sunday and in the morning. His should definitely attend. Also to the comments that graduation is dull etc... how rude. Its a hige achievent, even for a full time student but you have done that with a lot more on your plate. He should skip the school run and be with you

If 10 minutes is the only time you get to spend with your child on their birthday then it's an important 10 minutes.

He can support and celebrate his partner's achievement in other ways. She's the adult here. It's not just about whether his DD appreciates it's now, it's about her being able to look back and feel that her father was always there for her and played a key role in her childhood.

Clearly you are not being at all unreasonable, but there are always a barrage of ridiculous responses on any thread which is started by a step parent. Some posters seem to enjoy reinforcing the point that step parents are unimportant and unworthy. Those who are minimising the importance of your special day and who are making comments about how boring it will be are being particularly vile.

Your DP is making excuses. I don't know if it's because he is jealous, but it certainly sounds like he wants to make a point to you that he sees your achievement as insignificant. He has gone out of his way to reinforce this to you, as he didn't make any arrangements for his other daughter's birthday earlier this year or this particular daughter's birthday last year but suddenly now it is absolutely imperative that he gives his daughter a lift home from school? It's not about his daughter 'coming first' or 'being a good dad' at all, it's simply about him being unsupportive and deliberately hurtful.

Well done on your masters OP, I think sadly for you that your achievement has come with a bit of a downside in that you now realise that you are not a priority to him and he has minimised your hard work.

I hope you give a lot of thought to what your future looks like and if you want this man to be in it, enjoy your graduation day with your mum and I hope you have a friend or family member to go in place of your DP.

Congratulations on your degree. Go with your friends/family , and dump the not so dear "fiance"
He's shit. Dump him

If 10 minutes is the only time you get to spend with your child on their birthday then it's an important 10 minutes
Read the thread! Also possibly staying over the night before and having breakfast and driving her to school!

If 10 minutes is the only time you get to spend with your child on their birthday then it's an important 10 minutes.

BUT IT'S NOT! He's seeing her in the morning, having breakfast, and taking her to school.

So many people only bothering to read what suits their narrative, and refusing to see between the lines.

He isn't actually bothered about seeing his DD on her birthday. He's simply using it as a handy excuse, to get out of supporting the woman he supposedly loves, on a very important day to her.

So many people only bothering to read what suits their narrative, and refusing to see between the lines.

And so many people are forgetting that we've only heard the OP's side of the story...

*Look, this thread wouldn't be happening if you were happy and secure with this person.

Either he'd obviously be coming, would want to be there, no problem... or, if he weren't, you'd know it was for a genuinely good reason and because you believe in his love and respect for you and that he values what you do, you'd be ok with it.

This isn't about a graduation really.

If this is a watershed moment for you, use it to the best of your ability, is all I will say.*

Agree @FizzyGreenWater. Spot on.

Blowing out your wife to be’s graduation for a 10 min drive from school to home for a 15 year old who doesn’t even give a shit is pathetic.

they'll be another date later in the year for people that can't attend the first

No there’s not, there is only one unless I want to attend another faculty without all my classmates and wait until September. I’m not postponing my graduation which I’ve worked so hard for, for a 10 min car ride for a kid who couldn’t care less about it.
Also cancelling this incredibly important event to accommodate DP’s unreasonable whim is setting a tone for our relationship and basically gives him the go ahead to put me last always

Congratulations. Achieving what you have with kids , work and all the rest and then to top the whole course is amazing.
And no YADNBU.
I'd hazard a guess this whole out of the ordinary fuss about his daughters birthday and the need to spend 10 minutes with her is some kind of "out" on his behalf re your graduation.
Either because he's slightly intimidated by what you managed to do, he thinks he might feels out of place or he's simply being a dick.

I think you have every right to expect a compromise, and the more inflexible he's being on the issue suggests it's got nothing to do with his DD at all. Who, as you say - will probably be humiliated, rather than delighted at Dad dropping her to school and picking her up like she's 8.

Sometimes children come first, but not always. This idea is just twisted on this site - sometimes to a point that is beyond logic.
Compromise is acceptable, and wanting your partner to share your success does not make you any kind of evil step mother , selfish or anything else you've been called on this thread.

There's something else going on with him and how he feels about your studies etc.

Congratulations! Take your DD. You'll have a great day and she'll be so proud of you.
I don't think YABU. Your graduation is an one-off.
Does he ever inconvenience himself to put his DCs first eg dropping events he wants to attend? I'm trying to get a sense of whether or not this is an excuse because he's ultimately unsupportive of your studies or if he just doggedly puts his DCs first regardless of the impact on himself which would be very noble obviously

Once, just once I should be put first

You won't be, children come first. Regardless of the few posters who think that this is a groundbreaking concept which produces spoiled brats (whatever makes them feel better about clearly not putting their own first), it's actually the norm. And something you as a parent yourself should know.

Your latest posts sound more and more petulant. You're not a sibling vying for attention, you're an adult!

This guy thought his daughters birthday was important enough to book the day off quite a while in advance according to the thread. He could have numerous reasons for wanting to be there but at the end of the day he’s spending time with his daughter. How many times have we seen threads bashing men who don’t ? I can just see this situation being written from the other side ... my ex is ditching our daughter on her birthday to go to his new partners event. He’d be trashed.

And I also wonder how much practical and moral support this guy has given the OP throughout her course. A masters is not about 1 day. It’s a year (or more) of hard work, deadlines etc which will have impacted on him in one way or another. Just because he can’t (or won’t) go to the graduation does not mean he is / has been unsupportive of the OP in her taking this on. I know I relied on my DH a great deal with our first child when I did my masters under similar circumstances to the OP. And I suspect that has also been the case here.

As I said earlier, I also do not understand why the OP has posted asking if she is being unreasonable when she is just arguing with anyone that says she is and seems unwilling to see any other point of view.

Ideally you should both be prioritised by him. He can do the morning thing with his child and then go to your graduation but he won't (unless I missed something up thread)..?! Tuh! Anyway huge congratulations on your achievement OP! You've done something I've been itching to do for yrs!

I can just see this situation being written from the other side ... my ex is ditching our daughter on her birthday to go to his new partners event. He’d be trashed.

Well that wouldn’t be the other side.

First of all, he’s not “ditching his daughter”. He happens to have annual leave to take and is taking it then. Same as I am doing on my son’s birthday next week. A nice to do because I can, not a must.

Secondly, she’s not a “new partner”. They’re engaged, they live together, and are getting married soon.

This guy thought his daughters birthday was important enough to book the day off quite a while in advance according to the thread.

No @Stephminx OP has already said that him being off on this day was a coincidence. He didn't take it off specially. She's at school most of the day and celebrating with her mum in the evening.

And he still has the chance to have her stay over and have a birthday breakfast and him take her to school, instead of the ten minute pick up. This compromise that OP has suggested is actually better than his plan, in that he gets to wish her a happy birthday when she gets up, have breakfast AND do the ten minute school run.

I would never miss any of my children's birthdays for anything. Not anything. Even if it's just for 5 minutes which they'll find 'embarrassing'. So that's what it comes down to for me as a parent

Bit pathetic

@Sagradafamiliar yes I am a parent and no I would not treat my partner as a second rate priority. If I wasn’t willing to treat my entire family as equals I would not be selfish enough to get into a relationship.
No, children do not always come first, particularly when it isn’t even something they want or when it’s to the detriment of their partner.
You think I’m petulant, I think you sound like a martyr who would blindly and misguidedly put yourself or your partner second to your children even when it is totally unnecessary to do so.
I genuinely think my children will be more balanced, respectful and functional people by not being the centre of the universe.

It isn’t even a case of putting his child first. Putting her first is catering to her needs and occasionally her wants, neither of which is happening here. He is just choosing not to prioritise what I want. His DD will not be not prioritised by him coming with me, she isn’t even bothered. He is making something out of nothing to benefit himself, no one else.