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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel v upset Mil told 6 year old, 'daddy doesn't love granny' ¡

201 replies

Howwlydufeel · 29/10/2019 11:20

How would you feel in these circumstances.

I'm already very wary of Mil and what she may or may not say to younger dd 6.
Usually they visit maybe 3 times a year and she is with elder sibling. On one visit it seemed like fil took older dd off to one room and Mil took younger elsewhere, which I found odd. So dh asked that they are kept both together.
Then dd would say odd things, eg getting her to bed dd would say ' I love you mummy, I don't love grandma.' When I've not said a word about anything related... Her tone is odd like someone has been saying something like... 'you love grandma more don't you' then in firm answer.. Dd is responding... She would come out with stuff like that.

Dh doesn't get on with his dp he finds them extremely challenging, negative and Mil is just strange, always so negative, the subject, tone.... It's just not pleasant being around her.
So we cut dc visits right down and to less time and usually ask older to watch younger and as said dh asks they are kept together unless they naturally go off to play.. Anyway, for 3 hours younger went alone and this is what she came back saying!

'granny said daddy doesn't love her because he doesn't go round and there and I want a sleepover.'

I never get the impression dd is saying this off her own back re sleepover because the next mornjng i say brightly 'so dd, would you like a sleepover soon' and she says very firmly 'no'..
Fil is pushy salesman and repeats and I've seen him action before putting ideas into their head... 'wouldn't you LOVE a sleepover with granny and grandpops, wouldn't that be fabulous, yeeeeesss, indeedy' and it's the tone of they go along with but once he is out the picture, it they don't want to go.

Years ago both dd had occasional sleepovers and both would return saying... 'please don't send us again'.

If we say, would you like a baby sitter next week or go to gp, they choose baby sitter. If we ever drive past and say to them... Would you like to pop in... They say 'no'.

Pils quite strict, very precious over house, Mil very much in control etc. Very ordered.

I never want them to feel that they can't see their gp. They only have one set. And when they have not seen them for about 5 months, and gp.. Take them out, the children really enjoy that. But they wouldn't want to see them for while after!

I just feel I can't trust her even less than I thought before. Personally I think that's a horrid thing to say to a 6 year old!!

For the record my dream situation would be normal kind people who put gc first and just be kind and happy. I would dearly love the odd weekend away whilst knowing dc having truly lovley time with gp.
It has not worked out for us, we have tried.

Is what Mil said emotionally abusive??

She has said to older dd in the past... 'I can't get toys here for you because I don't see you enough' (at that point they saw them for whole day every 3 months) roughly..

OP posts:

Winterdaysarehere · 29/10/2019 11:21

Imo she doesn't get to see the dc unsupervised at all..
She is poisoning them.

blackcat86 · 29/10/2019 11:23

She's being inappropriate. If PIL ha e an issue with much they see you or DGC then they should talk to you and DP not try to manipulate minors. I would also be concerned that they are conditioning them to agree to things that they really dont want. I'm not suggesting anything further than being manipulative and playing favourites but it's not exactly a desirable lesson to teach children. I would also say no more unsupervised time.

Nanny0gg · 29/10/2019 11:26

Nobody seems to like them so why keep in touch?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 29/10/2019 11:27

My mum is similar in the fact that she tries to pump my daughter for information about us.,this has happened more than once when my daughter visited on her own...the solution is she isnt left alone with my daughter....I hate underhandedness and will not let it happen,They get on great and love each other and we have nothing to hide but even so she is supervised totally when there.

ThreeLittleDots · 29/10/2019 11:28

Yes, they are emotionally abusive and who knows what else. I'd not leave your DDs alone with them whatsoever, even in the same house.

ohfourfoxache · 29/10/2019 11:28

Jesus Christ, don’t let your dc go there/be around them unsupervised. They don’t want to see them, please listen.

pudcat · 29/10/2019 11:30

So dh asked that they are kept both together. Seems he doesn't trust fil. I wonder what happened in his childhood.

sunshinekids · 29/10/2019 11:35

I wouldn't be leaving them unsupervised there at all. PILs separating the girls sounds very suspicious.

Original poster

Howwlydufeel · 29/10/2019 11:41

Nothing untoward in physical sense happened.
I don't know what Mil says to younger but I've always felt it was a pump them for information sessions...

The problem with 'supervised' access is that neither dh nor I really want to spend any time either them.

Seeing them a few times a year, when they take dc out seems to have worked quite well but I don't think they can be trusted at all.
Also even when we have Been n there they, she has said things I'm not happy with.

OP posts:

Original poster

Howwlydufeel · 29/10/2019 11:42

Black that's what I thought. If Mil has issue why not speak to her son rather than use 6 year old to deliver the message.

OP posts:

OnlineShopping · 29/10/2019 11:44

The problem with 'supervised' access is that neither dh nor I really want to spend any time either them.

I wouldn’t bother with contact beyond cards and, if necessary calls/texts/emails. It sounds like not seeing them in person isn’t something any of you will miss or lose out from.

Sicario · 29/10/2019 11:44

Is there a reason why you can't spell it out to them? Tell them right out that if they don't stop being inappropriate then they can go whistle?

I had to do this with my own mother once, saying "don't you ever say that to my daughter again". She looked really shocked, but tough shit.

Sicario · 29/10/2019 11:45

By the way - I agree with PP that it's best to just cut people like that out of your life. You don't owe them anything.

AnnaMagnani · 29/10/2019 11:46

If you don't want to spend time with them, why would you make a child do it?

My parents didn't like one set of grandparents. Funnily enough, I had problems with them as well.

The other set were dreadful parents but were OK to spend time with as adults. They were amazing grandparents.

Listen to your instincts and listen to your child.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/10/2019 11:46

Yes, worryingly manipulative, definitely emotional abuse. Your DC are clearly massively uncomfortable with them, they don't have the language or maturity yet to really process why they make them feel bad or to explain that to you, but the message is clear. They feel unsafe with them.

Really the way forward here is to drop contact, if you and more importantly your DH (as they are his parents) really don't want to spend time with them either. The other option are visits where you literally make sure you all do something together, like go to a park for a day, and make sure they don't actually have alone time at all.

But yes make no mistake, they are not people I'd want my children spending time with.

Years ago both dd had occasional sleepovers and both would return saying... 'please don't send us again'.

That would pretty much be it for me.

memaymamo · 29/10/2019 11:48

You can't have it both ways. If you want them to see their grandparents then grit your teeth and go along too. If you can't bear time with the GPs then don't send your children to them.

You can't say you don't want them alone with GPs then say you won't accompany the children because you don't want to be with the GPs.

Confusedbeetle · 29/10/2019 11:51

Try not to put labels on this behaviour, However I wouldnt want it either. I would simply choose not to leave them alone or have sleep overs. I dont think I would challenge them but rather help the children take no notice. They are clearly articulate in what they want, and are telling you what has been said. Just empower them to say no when sleepovers are suggested and see them as little as you can get away with. If things get any worse you could ask them not to say such things to the children but prepare for a fall out

TheTrollFairy · 29/10/2019 11:51

It seems weird that you allow unsupervised visits even though you and your DP don’t want to spend time with them.
I dislike my dad, I don’t see him at all. The thought of DD spending time with him alone would fill me with dread

Original poster

Howwlydufeel · 29/10/2019 11:54

Fizzy I don't know feel anything physically inappropriate at all has gone on but as pp hit nail on head it's the 'conditioning to agree to the things they don't want too'

Fil does it all the time, even with little things like Mil likes to cool, and fil will go on and on and on 'isn't this WONDERFUL, WOW THIS IS AMAZING, isn't it girls, isn't it, the way that potato is cooked is sensational' etc.

He's always pushing how normal the things they do and say are, or mils food, or isn't Mil amazing, or sleepovers or next visits.

It's exhausting!! It's so overbearing!!

Fil used to harangue dh with emails or calls or even come to the house... To try and pressure him.
We really are v low contact it's just sad because I have 2 relatives on my side who would take interest in dc and they live a long way away.

On dh side he has couple of cousins, lovely granny (mils mum) but they all go to pils, they won't come to ours. So dc go there when wider family visiting.

Dh has cut right back and thankfully we are mostly left alone.

OP posts:

underground76 · 29/10/2019 11:54

You don't like spending time with them. Your husband doesn't like spending time with them. Your children don't like spending time with them.

Stop spending time with them. You're not depriving your kids of anything because your kids clearly feel nothing for them and are probably feeling weird and uncomfortable about what their grandmother is saying to them. Kids know when something isn't right.

DistanceCall · 29/10/2019 11:55

This is really not on. And yes, it's emotionally abusive. This hurts your daughter.

I wouldn't allow my children to be with this woman unsupervised, at the very least. And the minute she said something like this, I would get up and leave until she learnt what is appropriate to say to small children.

Original poster

Howwlydufeel · 29/10/2019 11:57

Confused, yes it's heartening the dc can pass it on. Some of it at least.

And older dc said 'grandma shouldn't say things like that that' re the toys...

It will be an few months before they visit again and will be the two of them. Dh would say as well, please don't say things like blah...

OP posts:

NanooCov · 29/10/2019 11:57

I don't understand why you are letting either of your kids have unsupervised visits to GPs. They both sound toxic. You don't like spending time with them, so don't subject your children to it. Either go with them and stay with them or have zero contact. If you want to see extended family, suggest a day out or a pub lunch.

NanooCov · 29/10/2019 11:58

And it's not fair to ask your older child to be the protector of your younger one. That's your role.

Original poster

Howwlydufeel · 29/10/2019 11:59

Underground, with a good 3 or 4 months in between the dc do enjoy it.

For a day, usually 8am to 6pm. Especially if they take them out. But we have learned that's the best timing etc. Anymore, and they don't want to go.

OP posts:

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