To feel v upset Mil told 6 year old, 'daddy doesn't love granny' ¡

[Howwlydufeel]

How would you feel in these circumstances.

I'm already very wary of Mil and what she may or may not say to younger dd 6.
Usually they visit maybe 3 times a year and she is with elder sibling. On one visit it seemed like fil took older dd off to one room and Mil took younger elsewhere, which I found odd. So dh asked that they are kept both together.
Then dd would say odd things, eg getting her to bed dd would say ' I love you mummy, I don't love grandma.' When I've not said a word about anything related... Her tone is odd like someone has been saying something like... 'you love grandma more don't you' then in firm answer.. Dd is responding... She would come out with stuff like that.

Dh doesn't get on with his dp he finds them extremely challenging, negative and Mil is just strange, always so negative, the subject, tone.... It's just not pleasant being around her.
So we cut dc visits right down and to less time and usually ask older to watch younger and as said dh asks they are kept together unless they naturally go off to play.. Anyway, for 3 hours younger went alone and this is what she came back saying!

'granny said daddy doesn't love her because he doesn't go round and there and I want a sleepover.'

I never get the impression dd is saying this off her own back re sleepover because the next mornjng i say brightly 'so dd, would you like a sleepover soon' and she says very firmly 'no'..
Fil is pushy salesman and repeats and I've seen him action before putting ideas into their head... 'wouldn't you LOVE a sleepover with granny and grandpops, wouldn't that be fabulous, yeeeeesss, indeedy' and it's the tone of they go along with but once he is out the picture, it they don't want to go.

Years ago both dd had occasional sleepovers and both would return saying... 'please don't send us again'.

If we say, would you like a baby sitter next week or go to gp, they choose baby sitter. If we ever drive past and say to them... Would you like to pop in... They say 'no'.

Pils quite strict, very precious over house, Mil very much in control etc. Very ordered.

I never want them to feel that they can't see their gp. They only have one set. And when they have not seen them for about 5 months, and gp.. Take them out, the children really enjoy that. But they wouldn't want to see them for while after!

I just feel I can't trust her even less than I thought before. Personally I think that's a horrid thing to say to a 6 year old!!

For the record my dream situation would be normal kind people who put gc first and just be kind and happy. I would dearly love the odd weekend away whilst knowing dc having truly lovley time with gp.
It has not worked out for us, we have tried.

Is what Mil said emotionally abusive??

She has said to older dd in the past... 'I can't get toys here for you because I don't see you enough' (at that point they saw them for whole day every 3 months) roughly..

Hallo.

Good idea about simply asking, without mentioning pils.
They don't ever mention the them if we don't.

Then they can choose at 18 to have a relationship. Children don’t forget how adults made them feel.

But what about my dc, when they are potentially handed a large amount of very helpful money at 18 and feel immensely grateful to gp who seem lovely and were not allowed to see

Honesty. You tell your DC that you have decided not to have ILs in your life anymore because they are unkind and cruel. It would be fine to do this now.

It's then up to your DDs as adults what (if any) relationship they have with them - but that would be their choice, based on having full knowledge of the history.

I think you getting way too hung up on consequences.

You can go no contact with people. It's not against the law.

You wont need anything 'in writing'.
Your children wont demand an explanation in a few years.
Your children wont give a fuck about money from people they don't like.
The Grand Parent police wont be coming round to drag you to a court of law.

See them on your own terms (if you must see them at all). But let it be rarely, preferably out somewhere not at their house, and with you and DH present and in charge.

It seems like one of your main concerns about cutting off contact is the lack of family in the area.

Can you try to arrange contact directly with DH's family (other than his parents)? You seem to think most of them are lovely, so maybe it would help to try to develop relationships with them directly, rather than relying on the link via DH's parents.

Another thing to think about (at the risk of sounding morbid): who would care for DC if you and your partner both died? It sounds like maybe the current situation is that custody would go to DH's parents. I'd be rethinking that if I were you. I remember asking my parents what would happen if they both died, and they told me I'd go to live with my uncle and aunt. As scary as it was to think about my parents dying, it was comforting to me to know that I'd be cared for by those particular relatives. My gut feeling is that your DC would not feel the same way about finding out they'd be cared for by PIL in this situation.

Stop asking them if they want to go and wait for them to ask to go! Most children want to please so they may well be disregarding their own feelings in order to please you because they believe you want them to go or to please their grandparents because they have been conditioned to. Rather than them turning on you when they are older because you didn't let them go, they are way more likely to turn on you for not protecting them from and leaving them alone with these emotional abusers who they have many times told you they don't want to see!

Years ago both dd had occasional sleepovers and both would return saying... 'please don't send us again'."

This - whyyyyy would you continue to push to send them to stay over when they clearly don't want to?
Why would they say that to you, and why would you ignore it?
When you say yourself you and DH can't be around them, you've heard them badmouth you, the parents, and you still want them to go?
I'd be too worried what else was being said when we weren't there, that's some emotionally messing with them shit going on.
What has the fact they're rich with a big house and dosh got to do with ANYTHING though?
So what if they have, or bribe with cash or whatever?
I wouldn't care, YOU'RE the parent, do what's right for your children and don't let your head be swayed by their "dosh" or whatever,
As for kids, maybe they do think ooh money but as a parent it's up to YOU to realise what is best for them.

But what about my dc, when they are potentially handed a large amount of very helpful money at 18 and feel immensely grateful to gp who seem lovley and were not allowed to see!

They're SIX YEARS OLD!!
That's like 12 years in the future ffs, lol.
Concentrate on what's best for the NOW.

Absolutely Icecreamsoda99

One is, the other is older.

We are not swayed by the money, if we were we would have let fil, Carry on contributing to isas etc.
But let's face it, what 18 year old wouldn't want money!

I'm sure fil will save for them regardless.

I'm really surprised by almost unanimous comments to go nc. I thought It would be barrage of, it won't ham them once every few months, they will think granny is batty etc.

I don't think dh could explain away or excuse this latest comment.

I'm not going to ask them anymore re would they like to see them.

Don't do unsupervised visits. Do stuff with GPs where they can't influence DC - eg go to the panto with them or to a film or similar experience where they don't get to talk a lot.

It is simple. You are letting money cloud the issue. Rich or poor your ILs are toxic and you should not allow your chldren in there without either of you to protect them.

urgh. this is so frustrating. Just read countless comments making the point that visits need to be supervised if they are to happen at all ...

and there is OP blatantly ignoring this time after time because she has no defence as to why she and her husband aren't supervising/protecting their children.

You are exposing your children to emotional abuse because you hope that they will get money when they are older?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

I'm not going to ask them anymore re would they like to see them.

Yeah, because that will solve everything.

It isn't at all complicated, you are just way overthinking everything and trying to plan for all eventualities. Stop that. Just cut contact.

If your children do ever ask why they hardly see these grandparents then be absolutely honest with them, telling them as much as possible about what has gone on before. Even how grandparents tried to manipulate them against you and how they came home from sleepovers asking not to be sent again.

You have 12 whole years to get them to understand this, and to understand why any money, if it is even offered, will come with huge strings attached.

Just cut contact. Stop finding non-reasons to keep it going. Stop putting your children into a position that none of you are comfortable with. Stop trying to force a relationship on them that they have made clear that they are uncomfortable with.

Think what your own feelings and responses would be if someone tried to tell you you had to go and stay with someone you didn't like and were uncomfortable with. I bet you would refuse to do it, so don't push your young children into it. You can say no. They can't.

Mille we couldn't even do that. We all went once, all for lunch, and said we had to leave at 4,to go to the panto.

Fil then... Got tickets, invited other relatives, re organised us just as we were about to take our seats whisked our dc to the front row! So as we were leaving our lunch, fil and relatives walked out with us and it was all secrets and what was going on!

I agree with people. Worry about that time when it comes ie fil handing over money.

So you are worries when older they will bribe your children with money and play at being lovely gp to make you both look bad? So rather then be honest now, you'd let the emotional abuse continue as though that will stop in laws doing that? All you are doing is giving them more opportunities to manipulate them when younger and more vulnerable and then could just as easily hand over money alongside poison.

The rest of the family sound just as enmeshed in this dynamic so why surround your children with flying monkeys and weapons to hurt them?

Your dh wants nc, let him and explain why to the children now. If he has a wobble at a later date, remind him of this.

Lannister another good point.

The money has clouded thread. What I mean is, they have the means to reel dc back in when older. But by that time my dc will hopefully be emotionally intelligent people.

Mil always has amazing knack of making people feel 'sorry' for her though.

People like Mil, with people like fil to back them up are not easy people to get around!!

Wow - you are allowing your children to be emotionally manipulated and abused by people that neither you or your husband are prepared to spend time with. Are you nuts?

If your DH thinks that it is so important for your dc to maintain contact with his parents then he needs to go along and supervise - every single time - if he is not prepared to then why are you prepared to inflict it on your children.

It is truly shocking how passive the pair of you are being. You need to protect your children from this manipulation. You are teaching your children that they don't matter and that PIL's feelings are more important. You cannot leave them your be you buffer zone against the PIL - you and dh need to start acting as the adults.

Lunde. Not quite.
They have even turned up at dc school!
They have gone into events at the school!

It's been a nightmare. Where we are now seemed OK.

The problem has been even in old days popping in, would be fil working on dc for the next visit.

But in the that super fun clown grandpa, voice going low and high like Justin fletcher mr tumble and in front of then dc say yes... But then away from them they go very cool.

I can't do supervised visits, I've had it with them.

After latest comment I don't think think dh could argue its safe to leave them there. But even if he went, I can guarantee, he would get separate from the children, and before the end, grandpa would go to work on the them for the next visit.

Then they, the gp honestly think they want to go back and it's us stopping them.

Maybe, hopefully finally from dh view Mil has been hoisted by her own petard.

Make sure school staff are aware that you don't want these people to be allowed to collect your children or otherwise approach them. No reason why you can't do that.

Topsey without outing myself it's tricky to explain the set up. But they looked at school website and went along to certain events that school Couldn't necessarily police!!

They have even turned up at dc school!
They have gone into events at the school!

Drip, drip...... are you even listening to any of the replies on here?
What are you wanting from this thread? Seems like you're not going to listen to a fairly unanimous AIBU (for once) that yes, you are

"conditioning" was used by blackcat86 and yourself, on the first page!!!!