Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel v upset Mil told 6 year old, 'daddy doesn't love granny' ¡

201 replies

Howwlydufeel · 29/10/2019 11:20

How would you feel in these circumstances.

I'm already very wary of Mil and what she may or may not say to younger dd 6.
Usually they visit maybe 3 times a year and she is with elder sibling. On one visit it seemed like fil took older dd off to one room and Mil took younger elsewhere, which I found odd. So dh asked that they are kept both together.
Then dd would say odd things, eg getting her to bed dd would say ' I love you mummy, I don't love grandma.' When I've not said a word about anything related... Her tone is odd like someone has been saying something like... 'you love grandma more don't you' then in firm answer.. Dd is responding... She would come out with stuff like that.

Dh doesn't get on with his dp he finds them extremely challenging, negative and Mil is just strange, always so negative, the subject, tone.... It's just not pleasant being around her.
So we cut dc visits right down and to less time and usually ask older to watch younger and as said dh asks they are kept together unless they naturally go off to play.. Anyway, for 3 hours younger went alone and this is what she came back saying!

'granny said daddy doesn't love her because he doesn't go round and there and I want a sleepover.'

I never get the impression dd is saying this off her own back re sleepover because the next mornjng i say brightly 'so dd, would you like a sleepover soon' and she says very firmly 'no'..
Fil is pushy salesman and repeats and I've seen him action before putting ideas into their head... 'wouldn't you LOVE a sleepover with granny and grandpops, wouldn't that be fabulous, yeeeeesss, indeedy' and it's the tone of they go along with but once he is out the picture, it they don't want to go.

Years ago both dd had occasional sleepovers and both would return saying... 'please don't send us again'.

If we say, would you like a baby sitter next week or go to gp, they choose baby sitter. If we ever drive past and say to them... Would you like to pop in... They say 'no'.

Pils quite strict, very precious over house, Mil very much in control etc. Very ordered.

I never want them to feel that they can't see their gp. They only have one set. And when they have not seen them for about 5 months, and gp.. Take them out, the children really enjoy that. But they wouldn't want to see them for while after!

I just feel I can't trust her even less than I thought before. Personally I think that's a horrid thing to say to a 6 year old!!

For the record my dream situation would be normal kind people who put gc first and just be kind and happy. I would dearly love the odd weekend away whilst knowing dc having truly lovley time with gp.
It has not worked out for us, we have tried.

Is what Mil said emotionally abusive??

She has said to older dd in the past... 'I can't get toys here for you because I don't see you enough' (at that point they saw them for whole day every 3 months) roughly..

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 29/10/2019 12:01

You're still planning for them to visit alone?! How would you justify this to social services as they are known to be emotionally abusive?!

ohfourfoxache · 29/10/2019 12:02

So, hang on - in a few months time you’re going to send your dc to them again and your dh is you to say “don’t say that to the kids?”

Did I read that right? Are you going to be there too?

ThreeLittleDots · 29/10/2019 12:03

This is no less serious than physical abuse OP...

AChocworkOrange · 29/10/2019 12:04

If all of you don't like having any contact with them, I would completely remove them from your lives.

Original poster
Howwlydufeel · 29/10/2019 12:04

Well this is what I'm trying to work out fox.

I thought after years of problems we had settled on a good compromise. That worked all round.
But this latest development makes me doubt that.

OP posts:
Jaynetheplane · 29/10/2019 12:05

I would t keep in contact with them, they sound horrible and you don’t sound like you like them or trust them.

AChocworkOrange · 29/10/2019 12:07

And there doesn't need to be physical abuse involved, your MIL is emotionally mininipulating your children, and that's more than enough.

Stop seeing them, or having anything whatsoever to do with them.

Besidesthepoint · 29/10/2019 12:09

What is in it for you that you keep sending them to these emotional abusive people? Why on earth would you do that?

Herocomplex · 29/10/2019 12:11

Don’t let misplaced obligation cloud your judgement. Your PIL’s are manipulative.

DistanceCall · 29/10/2019 12:11

Years ago both dd had occasional sleepovers and both would return saying... 'please don't send us again'.

If we say, would you like a baby sitter next week or go to gp, they choose baby sitter. If we ever drive past and say to them... Would you like to pop in... They say 'no'.

WHY ON EARTH are you sending your children to see these people when they make it perfectly clear that they don't want to? What's wrong with you?

MonsterMashedSpud · 29/10/2019 12:14

Fully supervised visits only. Your dcs mental health could be affected by this.

Original poster
Howwlydufeel · 29/10/2019 12:16

As I said distance I thought we had come to amicable arrangement. Nothing bar daily visits would be enough for Mil but I felt after few months, dc are happy to go when asked.
And not over night, but for the day.

But im doubting that now.

The other concern in the back of my mind, is that they take us to court.

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 29/10/2019 12:18

Don’t worry about that. Grandparents have no legal rights to access.

ohfourfoxache · 29/10/2019 12:18

No........no this isn’t a good compromise.......

They are being emotionally abusive towards your dc. But you’ve been so brainwashed that, frankly, I don’t think you can recognise it.

At the VERY least, if they are going to see your nasty, toxic, fuckwit ILs you and DH MUST be there too to protect them. Just because you and DH don’t like seeing your ILs, that is not a good enough reason to send your dc by themselves with the caveat that they cannot be separated. I mean they’re kids fgs - how are they expected to deal with them if the adults in their lives can’t?

I know you’ve probably had your boundaries chipped away consistently over the years, and dealing with them sounds completely shit. But you need to have a real hard think about why you’re exposing your kids to this basically to pacify a couple of toxic arseholes.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/10/2019 12:19

Ok - your updates- I disagree completely. Your children are telling you loud and clear that they dislike them and distrust them, and whatever is happening when you aren't there is making them feel uncomfortable and unsafe.

Bottom line, if you are going to protect them then you now need to stop unsupervised contact.

Your good parenting options are to stop contact, or to have contact with YOU both there. If the main reason you don't want to do either of these things is because you don't want to spend time with them but also don't want the awkward conversation, that's indefensible. Don't tell yourself anything else on that - the truth is that you're sending your DC into situations they're not happy with for your own comfort.

I don't suggest there's any physical abuse going on - there doesn't need to be for damage to be done. What's happening here is that your daughters are learning that you aren't actually going to protect them fully. They're telling you they don't want to go with them, they're vocalising the manipulative behaviour which is stressing them out, and the message they're getting from you is that you'll keep sending them back there.

Seeing them a few times a year, when they take dc out seems to have worked quite well - no, it hasn't. You're lying to yourself here. DC come back from these visits showing you that they've been put in awkward uncomfortable situations.

It's very very clear that good parenting here means stopping unsupervised contact.

Original poster
Howwlydufeel · 29/10/2019 12:19

Hero, gp have managed to get access.

I do feel it would be hard for them in this case. However it's not a process I would want to go through.

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 29/10/2019 12:20

Aren’t you in the uk?

ohfourfoxache · 29/10/2019 12:20

If you are concerned about legal access then you need to see a solicitor. And keep records of what your dc say about them/your ILs reactions etc

ThreeLittleDots · 29/10/2019 12:20

You don't need to compromise, they have no legal rights to your DC.

DistanceCall · 29/10/2019 12:21

As I said distance I thought we had come to amicable arrangement.

Your children say they don't want to go. That's not an amicable arrangement. That's you ignoring your children's wishes and telling yourself it's all right because they don't kick up a fuss.

ThreeLittleDots · 29/10/2019 12:22

If you don't protect your DC from these toxic abusers then your own relationship with your DDs is at risk. A few times a year of abuse is no better than daily abuse.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/10/2019 12:23

The other concern in the back of my mind, is that they take us to court.

If you feel you need to box clever, then do so. You go into covert battle. You only agree to daytime stuff with you there. You are on their backs. 'Don't take DD off by herself FIL.' You stop them having individual conversations. And, the killer - you pull them up on their behaviour. 'MIL, did you say to D that her dad doesn't like you? That is really inappropriate behaviour. Don't ever say anything like that again.'

Basically you make it frustrating for them. And you space the visits out more... and more... and more. Until it's every 8 months, with maybe the odd usefully descriptive text record of DH pulling them up on inappropriate conversations that your DDs have parroted back to you. No - court wouldn't work for them then.

But I think you could successfully fizzle things out before it got to that.

Drabarni · 29/10/2019 12:24

WHY ON EARTH are you sending your children to see these people when they make it perfectly clear that they don't want to? What's wrong with you?

This has to be the weirdest thread I've ever read Confused
Why force your kids to see them when you and dh can't stand them?

I think you should visit them, once a year and stay for a couple of hours, or knock it on the head.

ThreeLittleDots · 29/10/2019 12:24

gp have managed to get access

Legal right to access? In the UK? Can you explain this please

Drabarni · 29/10/2019 12:26

hey, what rights do they have, it wouldn't even get to court. Any solicitor would laugh at them.
Stop making excuses and protect your children.

Swipe left for the next trending thread