CoatZilla and the Barbour Boy- The Second Saga

[LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut]

Hey everyone!

Bloody hell, in all my years of MNing I've never had a response like this, I was really helped by loads of your replies, and loads made me giggle (Roast Potatoes!!) and loads made good points.

I'm sorry I can't reply to specific posts but seriously there's so many.

or for everyone who replied and is sticking with me.

So on to the update.....

CoatZilla, henceforth to be known as CZ, text again last night....

Here it is word for word.
mate, your obviously upset and that was never my intention. I'm sorry that we argued, I honestly didn't see the conversation going that way when I brought it up. I think it's better we let the dust settle for tonight in honesty. Probably best to have a calm conversation tomorrow evening?

My reply....
Yeah tomorrow evening much better I think

And she didn't come back last night (good!)

So she's made a mistake anyway......cos Dad was actually out last night ! So we'll all be sitting there when she comes back.

My plan is, to write a list of bullet points for tonight of things she definitely said, so I can't forget and she can't back out of it or claim she didn't say it (I also remembered another bit in the fucking row- where she went "Oh, so a fucking ghost did it?" in that tone of voice- fucking horrible)

Also to sit calmly and let her explain to my lovely Dad and DP that she thinks they might have maliciously cut her coat.

Then see what she says!

TBH unless she fucking grovels on her knees (not likely after that fucking last text- minimization or what??) I'm going to be asking her to pack her stuff.

I'm not being "spurred on by hysterical posters"

I have read all the replies, some have opened my eyes, some have been excusing, some have told me not to rock the friendship boat....overall I have taken a middle(ish) ground.....but tbh it's clear she is
a) weird/horrible enough to think that of her oldest friend and her family
b) fucking vicious in a row
c) now backtracking massively

So....thoughts???

And again for the troll hunters in the back......my username currently is always "LanaKanesomething", and I've had various other names going back years.....so bloody well report me and see what MN has to say, yeah?

I wouldn’t worry about the lodger thing. What’s she going to do, sue you?

I also you should send @SandAndSea's message, FWIW. I bet she won't read that one out to her "merry band of outerwear detectives" (pace @RightYesButNo) for them to sneer at.

If you do manage to have that face to face with her, I really wouldn’t be surprised if she turned up with back up in the form of Barbour boy. You might want to prep for that OP

The coat is almost irrelevant at this point, could have been anything but she thought the worst of you and hasn't cared to apologise, while other people are being 'off' with you about it and you've noticed being socially excluded by her too.

More importantly, your financial priorities are worlds apart. You've been funding her basic cost of living, which you can't afford to do, in order for her to save every penny for a deposit not spaff it on extraneous country wear or nights out. Whatever happens about the coat she is putting your family under financial strain to support her so whether you continue the friendship or not she needs to find alternative accommodation. Whether you tell her to go fuck herself or help her move and remain friends, bottom line is you can't afford her.

It’s so horrible that she would treat you like this. She sounds like she will be tricky to deal with. I would play her at her own game.I would Keep extremely calm but say how offended and upset you are. If she tries to minimise I would say I asked a friend their opinion and they were disgusted about how badly You have been treated after all you have done for her etc ...whatever you want to get off your chest. Ask her what she expected to achieve and how she suggests you move forward. Then tell her the situation has made you reassess and what you expect from now on, move out or at pay more rent with time limit to go etc

I know it's getting ridiculous......but she accused all of us, and it hurts more because she bloody well knows that Dad and DP are softies....without a vindictive bone in their bodies...plus we are are a team, we've always dealt with things as a unit, and that includes the deal with her staying/rent etc.

Also there's still a stupid part of me that thinks she's better than this, and I want her to "prove" it IYSWIM??

So I think now that singling me out for the row means she knew that she would look like a dick if she did it in front of everyone else as well.

Right yeah I think that might be how it goes down, but I just can't do either "just kick her out right now" or forget about it and let it go, and this felt like the best middle way??

She's probably going anyway, I hadn't (Didn't want to??) realise how much she was taking the piss tbh until it was in black and white from other people so maybe it's just a shitty thing to do, but she's basically family (she's more of an aunt to DS than his real one can ever be her Dad comes for dinner etc etc), and in my world family sit down and thrash this shit out.

Rousette this...
So I think what I'm saying is... it all depends on how apologetic she is tonight. For everything she has done. If she isn't, I'm afraid the friendship is doomed.

Is basically how I feel about it all right now.

But anyway......will have a quiet calm word tonight...with everyone in the house.....and see how it goes.

I will update later (not for the drama!) but because everyone's support and help and advice has been really grounding, it really helped having outside support because most of my friends are her friends too, so I can't go to them, who knows who she's bloody told?
So you all deserve an update.

I'm going out now....going to take DS to the park and then Maccys (shoot me now) so I will be back later.

for everyone who has taken the time to post, given advice (even if it was harsh!), and generally helped me feel like I wasn't going insane..

You may also, sadly, lose some of the mural friends. After all, none of the 'off' ones have been in touch.

She might realise that she's been out of order and apologise. In which case, think about whether you can get over it. It would be a shame to lose a friend of 20 years over one silly coat.

I realise her behaviour as your lodger hasn't been great but that could be thoughtlessness rather than malice.

If she doesn't apologise then I think it's clear she doesn't care enough to save the friendship.

A friend of 5 years once shafted me on my hen do. Long story but she almost ruined it and then started accusing my other friends (who I've been friends with for 15 years) of all sorts of stuff.
She never apologised and just argued with me about it. If she'd just apologised and admitted what she'd done, I probably could have got over it. But in the end I decided to end the friendship. I even uninvited her to my wedding!

She's probably always had a massive sense of entitlement & as a PP said elsewhere it's only when you live with someone that you get to see the warts. She feels entitled to live in your home practically free, she feels entitled to eat what she wants without contributing to your food shopping, she feels entitled to buy herself expensive clothes & go on expensive nights out even if this means it takes her longer to save for a property & imposes on you for a longer period. She ultimately felt entitled to blame you for damage to her coat & her expectation that you'd just meekly accept that.
There may not be anything to salvage from the friendship that doesn't come at too high a price. She doesn't appear to see anything wrong with what she did, just your "unexpected" reaction to it. You can, as can just about everyone on MN, so distance is probably the only thing that'll preserve any tattered remains.
I'd tell her to move into a hotel until she sorts something else out but that your home isn't an option given the circumstances.
(p.s. I'm with the PP who said it was likely caused by a security tag being ripped off. Probably decided she was entitled to Barbour without paying for that either.)

Sadly having been in this situation I know from experience that is very quickly stops being about the coat, crazy that my friendship ended seemingly over a cost too😐 but all about their attitude & unless she does something major to correct her attitude, such as grovelling & apologising to your all & pulling herself up to stop being such a CF in how much she takes from you & your family, then I'm afraid the friendship is dead in the water & she will only cause resentment & stress for you if she stays on in your home.

Oh and not worried about the lodger thing.....

She's just a lodger, is not on any tenancy agreement (LL is aware though!) and has zero legal rights....but I'm not a shit.....I wouldn't chuck her out tonight unless she had places to go and she does...loads of bloody places...she has a room at her mums (albeit dog flavoured), sofas at various friends etc.

She hasn't got a bloody leg to stand on (thanks again MN!)

My muggishness (?) is what's happened here.

Good luck OP, I'm looking forward to the update later!

& the gaslighting, which my friend did too, is unforgivable, especially if they know you've dealt with emotional abusers, as my friend knew I had

How do I find the first thread of this please?

@LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut I'm not going to suggest how you handle it at all, but if it's a corner tear, it most certainly has been caught on a sharp point. It's more likely to happen when the garment is being worn, and therefore it's probably happened when she was out and about in it. If it's small, she many not have noticed it happening, she probably just felt a little "catch" as she walked past something. Simple fact is that woven fabrics tear like that when caught on something sharp. It's an accidental tear that she's done herself. It's a shame she's immediately leapt to blaming you and your family, and that perhaps reveals a lot more about how she views you than she really wanted you to know, but a corner tear is an accidental tear and is just one of those things. It's easily repaired, so she can get her needle and thread out and stop it getting worse.

You haven't knowingly been a mug Lana. These things creep up on you almost without you noticing. Especially when it involves a long standing friend, because you're not expecting it

i would also stop the texting. just speak to her tonight, calmly, ask her what made her accuse you in such a way and see if there is a reason. if you say this is out of character there must be something else going on.

I agree with this. I don't think everyone should be there when you talk to her, and I don't think you should confront her with anything. Stay quiet and let her hang herself do the talking. You can always quietly and briefly remind her of things she said in the first conversation, if and when she says something that you feel warrants it.

TBH unless she fucking grovels on her knees (not likely after that fucking last text- minimization or what??) I'm going to be asking her to pack her stuff.

I'm not being "spurred on by hysterical posters"

OP you're investing a lot of emotional energy and headspace, into the ins and outs of all this. That's your choice, it was probably a shock to be accused of damaging her coat, but that's all it was. Nobody died. All the additional detail over 2 threads is over-kill.

At some stage, you'll have to just let it go. You can't sustain this heightened emotion indefinitely, it's bad for your MH.

Good luck Lana. Rooting for you!

You've known this person for 17 years, she is no friend of yours, in fact she's an unhinged enemy.
What ever made you think she was a friend?
Unless she has a contract just give her 48 hours to find somewhere else, tbh, I wouldn't have her in my home again, but I'm not a soft touch.

"On a note of caution, my suggestion would be to play it cool and don't lock her out or tell her to pack and go, thereby making her homeless, as she is a lodger paying rent - albeit a low rate - so legally entitled to reasonable notice. You don't want to incur any kind of landlord legal drama, trouble and strife in what is already a vexed situation. If you do suggest she leave, make it fairly open-ended, as in that you think it best for all concerned that she start planning alternative living arrangements over the next few weeks as you do not want to continue to provide accommodation in the longer term."

I meant to say that re my post above - it's really not fair to give advice about things like tenancies if you don't know what you're talking about.

I think she was cross and then you were cross and this has now escalated out of all proportion. I think in six months time you're going regret throwing away a long term friendship over this.

@Passthecherrycoke
She doesn't need to sue. She could refuse to leave. You might have to get a court order. She could report you to the local authority which could impose a hefty fine for any breaches. She could allege threats of force or intimidation and involve the police.

The CF friend is a lodger reg so has no legal right to stay any longer than Lana & her family want her too.