to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

I used to, I found maternity leave really challenging. As much as I adored and now cherish some parts, overall I am so much happier being back at work. I am fortunate enough to just work 3 days a week, and rather than feeling claustrophobic, yearning for a bit of my old life back; I now appreciate every morning and evening cuddle (even when he is testing my patience), and the days off we have are so much more enjoyable, and I have so much more energy to do fun stuff together. He loves his time at the CM which helps, and it's really brought him on socially. I guess if you do feel like it's something you regret, there might be hope that there is a balance or some changes which will make you feel differently (optimistic I know).

Same as for many others, I love mine but if I could do it again... no. No way. I always said I wouldn't have kids because the world was a shit place to be female in, and I don't know why the hell I changed that. The world is more shit than ever. Male aggression is creeping back up, women's rights are being pushed aside again for the sake of "the economy", all our lives are being pushed aside for "the economy". Britain is a country that simply cannot support the number of people already here and has a appalling distribution system that abandons most people in it the day they are born. I actually said to my dh that I would only have kids if we could leave the country. We managed it and left, an unbelievable achievement from our backgrounds: but we were forced back, with Brexit, and because we had no financial backing thanks to the housing market. Thanks so much Britain. I can't get decent paid work because I have kids: I can't retrain because of the cost and I'm too old now. I've never had any family support my entire life, in fact I get to deal with spite from the older generation who still for some reason think they had it so much harder in the face of all the evidence and never forgave me for working at school and trying to do better, or even for existing. I wish I hadn't bothered as there's been no payback for that whatsoever as that shitty generation have moved the goalposts again and again, while laughing at the rest of us. And that's what I get to pass on to my kids.

Schools are the only place I could get work, which are massively abusive employers for the wages they pay only after and with a load of slave labour, and stand in front of kids telling them that if they work hard and achieve and learn they'll be rewarded. What a total lie that is nowadays. My message to women of Britain would be: don't do it unless you are rich, either in finances or a supportive family, preferably both (especially since most money in Britain comes through families: the idea of working for a living is a total con).

(especially since most money in Britain comes through families: the idea of working for a living is a total con).

What do you mean when you say working is a con?

I don't have kids, but this thread makes me feel really sad.

I do wonder whether a lot of these feelings go when the children are adults.

I don't think my mum particularly loved being a parent with three kids, but now we're all adults I can see how much she loves having us around.

This is what I worry I will miss out on as a childfree women.

Just because some people havent felt the overwhelming hormonal urge to have babies doesn’t mean that nobody does

So are you suggesting that childfree women have a radically different hormonal makeup than those who want children? Precisely which hormones do you believe to be abundant in those who want children compared to those who do not?

We're animals; to survive as a species we need to procreate. If noone ever had an urge to have children humans wouldn't have made it very far in the grand history of things

But animals don't have an 'urge to have children'. They have an urge to have sex. Sooner or later, sex will result in procreation, as it did for humans too until the advent of reliable contraception only a few decades ago. It's not like lions or dogs think to themselves 'I feel broody. Let's hope for a boy this time!"

I've been told since I was a teenager that I'll change my mind, and once I get older my 'biological clock' will start ticking. I'm now in my 40s, still waiting for this to happen. I don't believe a desire to have children is hormonal at all, I think that's the narrative used to gaslight women to convince them they should want kids, by telling them that they don't know their own minds and have no choice in the matter because they are led by their hormones rather than rational thought, and if they aren't then they are somehow faulty women. We have a sex drive, that's hormonal, that's our animal instinct, not the desire to raise a child for 18 years and all that involves at our current point in history, that's learned socially. Since the introduction of the pill, women all over the world have chosen to have fewer children or be childless, which suggests there's not an innate desire to procreate shared by all women. A lot of people have kids in order to give their lives meaning, I believe that's the underlying drive behind having children, the childfree have chosen other ways in which to do this, all valid.

Xpost

@Silencedwitness Bloody hell, that sounds really hard. I hope things improve for you somehow.

So are you suggesting that childfree women have a radically different hormonal makeup than those who want children?

Nope. That’s not what I suggested at all

Nope. That’s not what I suggested at all

So what are you suggesting then? Hormones are measurable. If, as you said, there exists an "overwhelming hormonal urge to have babies" then that must be at least theoretically measurable.

Which hormone, precisely, is responsible for this "overwhelming hormonal urge to have babies"? As someone who's never ever experienced any type of 'urge' to have babies, 'hormonal' or otherwise, in what way is my hormonal makeup distinct from those who do experience such 'hormonal urges'?

Since the introduction of the pill, women all over the world have chosen to have fewer children or be childless, which suggests there's not an innate desire to procreate shared by all women.

Exactly. As a general rule, the more educated a woman is, the fewer children she will have. That has been shown time and time again, across cultures. Give women the choice, and that choice will often be to have few or no children.

Nothing 'hormonal' about it. It's about exercising free choice, a choice which has only been available to women for about 50 years, and still isn't in some parts of the world.

. A lot of people have kids in order to give their lives meaning, I believe that's the underlying drive behind having children, the childfree have chosen other ways in which to do this, all valid.

I totally agree. And I think sometimes it's the struggle to find other ways to give life meaning is why people decide to have children. At least it is for me.

And I think sometimes it's the struggle to find other ways to give life meaning is why people decide to have children.

Well, yes. Not to put a downer on things but a lot of life is miserable and pointless. Going to work, which is only the holy grail of meaningful AND well-paid if you are extremely lucky and made the right choices early on in life. Unfortunately in this country, if you're smart/middle class you get told to study an academic subject, go to a RG uni and work in an office. Which is what I've done and I'm miserable - I wish someone had told me it's also fine to go into practical/arty subjects, you can still become a hairdresser or carpenter or seamstress even if you're the best in the year at maths. But no, I sit in an office staring at code & data doing corporate wankery which means people buy more from our company instead of our competitors, and and quietly working away at my craft hobby in the evenings, hoping it will become my business one day. It's easy to say "follow your dreams", but I'd also like to buy a house so I'm not forced to work when I'm 85. Getting professional training in my hobby would cost 5 figures. Everything costs money.

You go to work every day, get the bus, come home, cook, wash up, put a wash on, watch some crappy programme, then go to bed. I often wonder - is this all there is? Why did my mum even have me if THIS is life?

So I can totally see what people would have kids to fill that void. You get a year off your crappy job/career, you can focus your energy onto someone else, your life has purpose, and you hope you can teach them from what went wrong in your life and theirs will be perfect. But if they were miserable/depressed I would feel so guilty for having them.

@ItIsWhatItIsInnit I totally agree. I love for the weekends immensely and then mom - fri is a total sham.

And this is coming from someone who is incredibly lucky to have my own business and make very good money from it (without sounding smug but just trying to illustrate the - what's the point argument).

So I've decided to embark on motherhood to fill a void. I guess if you felt your life was whole and complete why would you bother bringing children into the mix (assuming it isn't an accident)?

I wanted to have children and when I had two I didn't want any more. I didn't have a dip in hormones or a switch in my brain go off I just had reached my limited. If it was instinct in us to have children surly that feeling of not wanting any more wouldn't have been there I'd have carried on getting pregnant.

Not to put a downer on things but a lot of life is miserable and pointless.

And by the sound of things from this thread, so is motherhood - mainly lows with a few highs?

So I guess, maybe this is just 'life'.

Wow thanks for writing this post but I am sad to hear how unhappy you are.
You are not alone.
I have a 1.5 year old boy and I love him to bits but I miss my old life.
I'm not having another because I really can't do it.

Everyone says I will change my mind and want to give him a sibling... I just go along with it to keep them quiet but it won't happen.

I love my children but wish I had done more before having them... travelled more, weekends away with my husband...

Lots of people don’t have good relations with their parents

I wonder whether these parents fall in to the group of wishing they hadn’t had children. You can’t fake it for decades.

Single parent here. No family. I enjoy my career and I’m financially very stable and have a wonderful group of friends. However they are all drops in the ocean to the love I have for being a parent.

And by the sound of things from this thread, so is motherhood - mainly lows with a few highs?

Other way around

*Lots of people don’t have good relations with their parents

I wonder whether these parents fall in to the group of wishing they hadn’t had children. You can’t fake it for decades.*

I think so. I have a sibling and you can tell that there is massive regret and the kids are getting to an age where they say things and can sense it. So so sad.

For me

And by the sound of things from this thread, so is motherhood - mainly lows with a few highs?

Other way around*

Maybe your personal experience but if you read this thread, not the case.