to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

It's difficult to some people because are not supposed to do it solo. Women do too much. I understand the reasons why women have to do it all - when they haven't got family etc but they shouldn't be doing it all. It's harmful to the mother and to the kids.

We didn't evolve to live behind closed doors - the women doing everything. We have become too independent.

I have found motherhood difficult but it has made my life better in many ways. I do have help. Maybe that's why some people regret it.

*I don't think it's a great secret that motherhood is hard, nor that it stunts your opportunities. I also disagree that society pressurises women to have children. I have never felt that.

I do not have children because from where I'm sitting the pros do not outweigh the cons.*

I think that there is some pressure on women to have children - although it's exaggerated in some of the comments here - but overall I totally agree with your post.

Information about the many downsides of motherhood is very, very easy to come by. In fact it's hard to avoid! If people choose to ignore all that and still go ahead and have children, that's entirely up to to them. Nobody forced them to do it or withheld relevant info from them.

I also disagree that society pressurises women to have children. I have never felt that.

My husband's grandfather has been on at me since the morning after our wedding to 'provide' him with a great grandchild.

Fortunately, MIL is an absolute gem, and gets in before me, batting back with sarky responses.

Probably for the best, because if she hadn't, I might have cracked and told him the next major family event ought to be his bloody funeral.

I work in a very male dominated industry (physics and tech) and these sentiments are reflected in some men too. I think because modern male academics take parenting duties seriously, many of them have expressed regret to me about having had children too. How difficult it is to balance a career with family life, and how any trips to conferences etc are now plagued with immense guilt, and they have no time for self care anymore and are getting fat and old rapidly. Some said to me they felt completely tricked by their biology and wish they'd never given in, and their wives feel the same.

We all need a 4 day working week, I think!

I've never really felt societal pressure to have kids, or from family. I've just felt a bit left out as everyone else got pregnant and were busy with their families, but that isn't a good reason to do it!

It’s the assumption that you MUST have more than one! I have a very energetic 10 week old. Hardly ever really naps for any length of time and I have no family help nearby.

No more for me.

Yes - I read some ghastly story on the DM about a woman who totally regretted her children, didn't get one single moment of joy out of it since her first was born. However she went on to have a second because "having an only child was cruel, she had to give her daughter a sibling" - what utter bollocks. I for one loved being an only child and regularly wished I'd remained one when I was a teenager wanting a lie-in and had a hyperactive toddler sibling running around at 7am!

I'd much rather have one child I can cope with than 2 who make me regret I'd had them...

My kids have been with grandparents for a few days. I haven't missed them, and they've been back an hour and I'm stressed and already had an argument with DH. It's shit.

I have the same experience as @Mummyshark2018! Very thankful I'm not having the same experiences as some of the women on this thread. I've always loved children so find it easy. Not being smug just adding my experience.

My friends just moaning about swimming lessons in the morning and how her husband is ditching it for the Rugby but she has to go

....fuck having a husband and kids 🤣

I've always loved children so find it easy

Loving children is no guarantee that you will find it easy though. I'm sure many of the women saying they find it hard initially had DC because they loved children. You could love children a million times over but if they've got behavioural issues or additional needs, if they are physically ill, if you have a shit DP/DH, if you're ill yourself, if you're skint or if you've got no support, chances are you'll find it hard going at times.

Your statement also implies that those who find it hard don't love children and I feel certain this is not the case.

I used to say that I wouldn't make my kids not exist but if I had my time again I would not have them. I did only have kids as my DH wanted them and it would have been a deal breaker. However now they are older (eldest 17, youngest 9) I wouldn't change it for the world. They are amazing people and individuals who I could spend hours talking to. However they also sleep well and are capable of entertaining themselves! It gets better OP!

I don't understand the getting old and fat comment, everyone gets old and many people that are predisposed to putting on weight, continue to do so with or without kids. The 'self care' stuff sounds so self obsessed and like it's spouted by the grown up selfie generation. When men/Dads managed to stay fit in the past did they honestly fret about 'self care' - I doubt it.

I can't relate to this at all as my children are the best thing that ever happened to me but that's not to say they are not without challenge. I am a better person under pressure, I make more happen and I think DC have helped me apply this focus - that's personal to my life though and the kind of personality I have that enjoys the chaos.

@itswhatitisinnit

"Every single family member has told me I should have kids "

You said that you felt pressured to have children, because family members tell you to.

I don't really "get this". Family members say it to me aswell, but I still never feel pressured. I am hardly going to make myself have a child, because some one else would like me to. I just brush off their comments. Stand up for yourself!

My children are 11,8 and 6. The 8 and 6 year old have asd/adhd/hypermobility and youngest has an autoimmune disease. We didn’t realise our middle dc had asd until we were already expecting. I wouldn’t do it again. I’m the shadow of my former self. Everyday is a battle and I struggle to have an interest in life anymore. Having children with Sen has isolated me so much from the usual experience of having children. I can’t work, I have no hobbies and I’m exhausted. I often wish I was dead but I can’t leave my kids. Although I like my husband I cant leave him because it would cause too much upset. There is no future as my youngest has complex needs and is very unlikely to be able to be independent. My life is over.

@Silencedwitness. So sorry, it must be so hard

I don't really "get this". Family members say it to me aswell, but I still never feel pressured. I am hardly going to make myself have a child, because some one else would like me to. I just brush off their comments. Stand up for yourself!

Totally agree. If relatives say they'd like you to have a kid then that's annoying, but hardly equates to 'society pressurises women to have children'. They have no power over you, so who really cares what they say?

People have children because they (usually) make the active choice to have them. If later they regret it, that's unfortunate, but every time you make a choice there is the possibility you may later come to regret it. I do think a lot of people ignore the abundant evidence out there that parenthood isn't all cuddles and lullabyes. But there's not much 'society' can do about that.

Like most parents my children are my world and I would die for them BUT if I knew then what I know now, I would only have had one. My youngest child impacts hugely on our lives and I often think how easy life would be if I stopped at one.

@Silencedwitness my heart goes out to you 😥

Broodiness is a real emotional, even physical need to conceive. It hit me in my late 20s after always assuming I'd be happy to wait until later in my 30s before worrying about starting a family (I was in a relationship but have often wondered if I'd have moved on if this desire hadn't hit when it did - still with DH but have had periods of doubt). So I refute this idea that I could have just decided, with the evidence in front of me that it was hard work (plenty of friends and colleagues having babies), to not try to conceive. I have friends who did not experience this broodiness and haven't had children, and I totally respect (envy?) that, but for me it was a very strong need. And I have never been - even then - a lover of children or babies so it makes no logical sense. But that's the point - its not logical; its instinct, nature, hormonal. We are animals, we haven't evolved that much.

I know I am being lazy and could just Google it but have they actually worked out what makes someone broody? I thought I had read somewhere that it was put down to societal pressure/expectations more than anything else, but that sounds all too simple.

Either way, it seems to have skipped me altogether. I consider myself very lucky in that regard, although no doubt anyone who enjoys motherhood might feel sorry for me and think I am missing out. It certainly makes it much easier to step back and assess the pros and cons of having kids objectively.

Science and sex-linked genes @panticus ! We're animals; to survive as a species we need to procreate. If noone ever had an urge to have children humans wouldn't have made it very far in the grand history of things

@FreshStart01 I disagree. It is not hormonal. If it was hormonal, every woman would feel broody.

I, and many women, do not.

It is a personal choice.

I have felt this way more times than I care to remember. A PP nailed it on the head - the buy-in for motherhood is a total con, you WON'T necessarily be happy at the end of it. I've never had so many miserable days since becoming a mother. I had a great life and I miss every part of it. Even the little flat I lived in, it was like a shoebox and had to move when I was pregnant, current house is 100x nicer but I was deliriously happy in my flat. How I feel now doesn't compare

I disagree. It is not hormonal. If it was hormonal, every woman would feel broody

What a ridiculous statement. Hormones affect every woman differently! Just because some people havent felt the overwhelming hormonal urge to have babies doesn’t mean that nobody does

I agree it is still a choice though - I feel broody for a second but I’m definitely not having one. My rational brain is managing to win over my emotional brain!

Totally agree. If relatives say they'd like you to have a kid then that's annoying, but hardly equates to 'society pressurises women to have children'. They have no power over you, so who really cares what they say?

The societal pressure - pronatalism - is more subtle than that. Laura Carroll explains it very well in her book The Baby Matrix.

thebabymatrix.com/pdf/Baby_Matrix_web_throughCh2.pdf