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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I really regret having kids

618 replies

SoFuckingTired · 29/10/2019 08:09

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

OP posts:
motherheroic · 31/10/2019 18:40

@ChileConCarne I know. So many people saying 'when they are teenagers you can finally live you life again!'. Okay, but some women will be waiting for over a decade to try and claw back a bit of their old life then? Confused

MonsteraCheeseplant · 31/10/2019 18:54

Thank you everyone for speaking honestly.

These posters who are attempting to shame others for being honest are probably the same ones who would blame you for not educating yourself properly before making the decision to have kids. Twats mostly and you can't win. But I appreciate the brutal honesty from the majority.

ivygem · 31/10/2019 18:58

It’s so funny isn’t it - I went through years of infertility and Ivf/icsi and have a 5yr old dad. I am now on the coil as the thought of more kids literally fills me with horror. It’s tough. She didn’t sleep till she was nearly 4 - feel for you

ivygem · 31/10/2019 18:58

Dd! Thanks autocorrect 😂😂

madcatladyforever · 31/10/2019 19:02

You start really loving them when they reach 35 and start lending you money and doing your carpentry for you Grin

But yes the early years can be hell. I had an easy care baby and still found it incredibly tough.

formerbabe · 31/10/2019 19:04

the thought of more kids literally fills me with horror

Same...when I see pregnant women or mums pushing prams, all I think is thank god that's not me!

lynsey91 · 31/10/2019 19:30

@pangolina I think that is probably why so many women (and men) have told me that they regret having their children. They feel they can't say it to someone who has children but because I chose not to I will likely understand more and be far less judgemental.

@ChileConCarne but you have children so other mums are less likely to confide in you aren't they? I can assure you that over the years I have had many women tell me they regret having children. Not just one or two but lots

IcedPurple · 31/10/2019 19:36

I don't really understand the whole "Why did nobody tell me what it would be like?" argument. The downsides of motherhood are plain to see. Simply spending an afternoon with a friend who has had children - witnessing the sheer relentlessness of it all, seeing how impossible it is for her to have even a simple conversation without being interrupted every 5 seconds, and how even getting to meet up with her involved an almost military level of planning - surely makes it obvious that being a mother is going to cause massive disruption to your life. Also, who hasn't watched a frazzled mum struggle to stop her children throwing a fit in the supermarket, or heard their friends complain about how the cost of childcare makes it impossible for them to go back to work?

And so on and so forth. There's more than enough evidence freely available that motherhood isn't all finger painting and 'I wuv you mummy'. Whether people chose to pay attention to all this, is, however, another matter entirely.

Mummyshark2018 · 31/10/2019 19:45

@motherheroic because there are pregnant women on here listening to doom and gloom stories and I want to share MY experience and say that it doesn't necessarily mean it will be that way.

@formerbabe my post was put in context of my own opinions and experience. I'm sorry that you haven't worked for a decade and are a Sahm and have no social life but frankly they are choices that you have made somewhere along the line- to have kids/ study/ have a career/ stay at home/ have no social life etc etc. I worked bloody hard doing a degree, masters (whilst pregnant) and phd with a toddler as I didn't want the life you describe as I knew it would make me miserable and resentful.

formerbabe · 31/10/2019 20:00

@Mummyshark2018

My post wasn't a dig at you but all the things you mentioned that you enjoy about your life are separate to motherhood...i.e. your social life and career. If motherhood was your entire life, you wouldn't really enjoy it as much would you? You're actually reinforcing everything that the mums who regret it are saying. You love motherhood because you get a break...that's hardly a glowing endorsement.

onionandsage · 31/10/2019 20:05

Simply spending an afternoon with a friend who has had children - witnessing the sheer relentlessness of it all

My friends who are parents all seem to have very well behaved kids from what I’ve seen!

CassandrasCastle · 31/10/2019 20:09

Thanks to the people who were trying to give balance, it's appreciated.
I do completely understand that it was my choice to click on this thread though, and that people have every right to relate their experience if it's a shitshow.
I have read this sort of thing on MN before, but I think actually being pregnant makes a bit of a difference to how I'm taking it in... Also just the sheer number of people saying it's 'existing not living' basically (to quote Meghan/Harry, ha) is making me gulp

ChileConCarne · 31/10/2019 20:20

@ChileConCarne but you have children so other mums are less likely to confide in you aren't they? I can assure you that over the years I have had many women tell me they regret having children. Not just one or two but lots
Nope, I’m happily childfree. I believe you, but just wanted to share my contrasting experience.

angell84 · 31/10/2019 20:33

@IcedPurple I think that it is about having the courage to stand up for yourself.

There is definitely still a societal pressure on women to have children. It was seen as "normal" for a long time, and that women who did not want children , were selfish and being bad for the world.

Women have been controlled in loads of areas, and this was one more way, that we were controlled.

Women are starting to stand up for themselves now, and say "actually it is ny choice , if I have children or not"

formerbabe · 31/10/2019 20:40

I'm sorry that you haven't worked for a decade and are a Sahm and have no social life but frankly they are choices that you have made somewhere along the line- to have kids/ study/ have a career/ stay at home/ have no social life etc etc. I worked bloody hard doing a degree, masters (whilst pregnant) and phd with a toddler as I didn't want the life you describe as I knew it would make me miserable and resentful

Oh and I do have a degree. What I didn't bank on was my second dc having sn which meant childcare would not have been appropriate for her? Do you really think you're more clever or educated than the other mums on this thread? Yes, some things are choices...some things are pure luck. What if you'd had twins? What if your dc had autism or was severely disabled? What if you became seriously ill? What if your dh left you? Your clever choices would mean nothing. You have one well behaved, healthy child...you have no idea how much of an advantage that gives you.

LolaLollypop · 31/10/2019 20:43

@formerbabe just jumping in here but you can enjoy things that are challenging (like motehrhood) and still also enjoy taking a break from them. I enjoy working full time but I love taking a break and going on holiday!
I love having a social life but I wouldn't want to be out every day of the week.
I love being a mum but I also love taking a break from that too.
Being able to do that is the best of both worlds imo. Fully aware some mums/dad's aren't lucky enough to be in that position though.

ClownsandCowboys · 31/10/2019 20:46

@IcedPurple I was the first of all my friends to have children, so I didn't have that experience.

@Mummyshark2018 I have a degree and am a very skilled professional. However my dd with ASD and the complete lack of support for children and families with SEND means I haven't been able to choose my career. Your response shows your privilege.

ClownsandCowboys · 31/10/2019 20:50

One of my biggest issues at the moment is work and childcare. Dd can't cope with childcare, work won't let me do the flexible hours I need. What do you suggest? It's not a matter of money, there is no childcare that is suitable, no matter how much we pay.

formerbabe · 31/10/2019 20:50

@LolaLollypop

Absolutely agree but to come on this thread and smugly say how you love being a mummy and don't find it difficult because you still have child free holidays and a career is crass and unhelpful. I'm sure she wouldn't enjoy it as much if she swapped lives with some of the women on here.

Mummyshark2018 · 31/10/2019 21:21

@formerbabe and @ClownsandCowboys
I absolutely know how lucky I am (right now) and I'm grateful every day what what I have ( I did say that in my first post) - but it didn't come easy and my life has had its own challenges. I wasn't brought up in 'privilege'.

Anyway the point of my post wasn't to 'brag' -it was to provide a balance that having kids doesn't have to mean the end of your career/ social life/ happiness/ ambitions etc .

Of course life throws curveballs such as having children with SN. I get that and do not negate how difficult that is, but it's not representative of everyone's parenting experience, just as mines isn't.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 31/10/2019 21:31

It’s not easy and your circumstances are especially tough
Sometimes I have depressive dips and have suicidal ideation (yay !) but the thing that stops me is thinking of my
Kids growing up without me . They are what keep me working and keep trying to improve and stay healthy

Honestly I think we have kids as it’s the ‘natural’ thing to do and the next step . I didn’t think it through !

And today is a happy day

But I have NO blame
For you expressing this and much much empathy

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 01/11/2019 01:51

I don't think it's a great secret that motherhood is hard, nor that it stunts your opportunities. I also disagree that society pressurises women to have children. I have never felt that.

I do not have children because from where I'm sitting the pros do not outweigh the cons.

MsTSwift · 01/11/2019 06:37

On the other hand for me motherhood was the exact opposite and has improved my life. I was in the wrong job (high paid corporate lawyer travel working all hours). Having a baby gave me a good “out” from that. We moved away from London and through having toddlers I met a wonderful group of women. Started up my own business that I really enjoy. I have been lucky in that my kids are relatively easy and pleasant. I hope not boasting but trying to counterbalance for pregnant readers that motherhood doesn’t necessarily degrade your life

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 01/11/2019 08:45

I also disagree that society pressurises women to have children. I have never felt that.

So because it's never happened to you, it's never happened?

Every single family member has told me I should have kids - my mum says people who don't are selfish/egotistical, dad says childfree people are never truly happy, grandma says if I don't have kids my life is completely pointless, in-laws are always going on about "when you have kids". Literally the pressure is coming at me from all angles!

lynsey91 · 01/11/2019 08:45

@thatmustbenigelwiththebrie I have to disagree as I think society does pressure women into having children.

Over the years i have been asked countless times why I don't have children. I have been told I am not normal, not a real woman, selfish, asked why I got married if I didn't want children. I have also been told quite a few times that I will most likely end up old and alone!

Even a female GP told me I would change my mind when I asked about being sterilised. She said all women wanted children!

Now in my 60's I get asked if I have grandchildren. When I say I don't have children I often get a shake of the head or even "how sad" or "why". So it never ends.

My niece who is 30 doesn't want children and is getting enormous pressure from her mil. She also says quite a few work colleagues have asked why she doesn't have any, is she trying etc