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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I really regret having kids

618 replies

SoFuckingTired · 29/10/2019 08:09

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

OP posts:
VisibleShantiLine · 31/10/2019 14:23

I love my son more than life itself and don't regret having him, though he's slowly killing me. I only have one child so it sounds like you're doing it tough, OP. Like your LO my son's 2 (almost 3) and also doesn't sleep. People don't realise how hard it is to have to deal with ongoing sleep deprivation.

All I can suggest is you try to share the load if you can. I have no help so it's really hard. But if I had someone I could trust to watch him so I could catch up on sleep I'd take it because it makes a huuuuge difference to your outlook when you do. Flowers

onionandsage · 31/10/2019 14:57

I have to say, reading this thread it really doesn’t sound like the upsides outweigh the downsides to me.

CassandrasCastle · 31/10/2019 15:10

@onionandsage Have to say I agree with you Confused

CassandrasCastle · 31/10/2019 15:12

The upsides are sounding...few and far between to say the least.
As I said earlier, I'm pregnant with my 1st so obviously have no clue - but am generally spooked by the 'I love the bones of them but they make my life a living hell' thing

Hey1256 · 31/10/2019 15:22

@CassandrasCastle

As I said earlier, I'm pregnant with my 1st so obviously have no clue - but am generally spooked by the 'I love the bones of them but they make my life a living hell' thing

This, I'm in exactly the same position. I feel like this, 1st baby currently pregnant.

It's like saying I love my DH but he makes my life a living hell! He doesn't because I'd leave him lol. Leaving a baby isn't quite the same.

I really am worrying about what appears to be people feeling trapped 😔

ethelfleda · 31/10/2019 15:30

cassandras and hey
I feel bad for you - reading this while pregnant with your first.
But please bear in mind, a thread about regretting children is always going to have more negative posts than positive ones.
If someone started a thread about not regretting children... or ‘why is it the best thing you did’ etc, it would be a very different thread. Not everyone is the same.

It’s hard work. I don’t regret doing it but I don’t like being a mother sometimes.

ChileConCarne · 31/10/2019 15:48

So many posts from parents include the words “it will get easier when...” It will get easier when they sleep through the night, it will get easier when you’re done with mat leave, it will get easier when they can talk to you, it will get easier when they can play in their room, it will get easier when they’re at nursery, it will get easier when you’re done with nursery, it will get easier when they’re at primary school, it will get easier when they’re at secondary school and they’re a bit more independent....and so on and so on until you’ve wished away a kid’s entire childhood - and 15 years of the prime of YOUR life. That’s what strikes me the most about this thread.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 31/10/2019 16:01

This thread isn't going to have a representative sample - people who feel the same will click on it, people who DON'T feel like that won't comment because they'd get called goady.

It's like those threads where everyone hoovers daily and chucks their blue cloths after wiping the table once - it may seem that everybody does it, when in reality all the people (e.g. me) who hoover every 2 weeks and haven't changed the blue cloth in over 6 months will never comment for the fear of judgement.

onionandsage · 31/10/2019 16:09

As I said earlier, I'm pregnant with my 1st so obviously have no clue - but am generally spooked by the 'I love the bones of them but they make my life a living hell' thing

Same here - it sounds awful!

I think we’re in the same boat @CassandrasCastle and @Hey1256

lynsey91 · 31/10/2019 16:40

The problem is you, obviously, don't know until you have them whether you are going to regret having children or not.

It may just boil down to how good (or not) the child or children are and whether you have a partner who helps a lot.

Personally I would rather regret not having children (not that I do) than regret having them.

A possible lifetime of wishing the years to pass in the hope things get easier/better - no thank you. As I said before, a lot of my friends have grown up children, many with children of their own and quite a few are still causing headaches and worry

pangolina · 31/10/2019 16:42

I have no children and a lot of women, when they find this out, confide in me that they wish they never had, or had stopped at one. Two of my best friends, neither of whom wanted children, got pregnant accidentally and had the baby, and both have begged me never to change my mind and have kids. Both love their kids and wouldn't be without them but given their time again, wouldn't make the same choice.
I wish more women were able to speak freely about their reality without judgement or being told there's something wrong with them: even on this thread I've seen people told they must have pnd. No, they just regret their choice.

LolaLollypop · 31/10/2019 16:55

For any 1st time pregnant mums reading this... head over to the pregnancy page quickly for some cute pictures of newborns!! Infact there was a lovely thread on there the other day where we all discussed what we loved about being a mum. Please don't be too disheartened by this thread. If becoming a parent was so bad then people wouldn't keep doing it. Everyone has a different experience with parenthood, you can't ever compare two situations.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 31/10/2019 17:03

This sounds so dramatic but I'm actually crying at some of these responses.

I needed to hear this so badly when I had a breakdown last year. I honestly thought I was the most abhorrent mother on the planet for feeling the way I did; that it meant I didn't love my child, that I should have never had children. I was suicidal and thought he was better off without me.

In hindsight I realise I'm just an introvert, who was very used to her own company, and having a whirlwind in my house has just altered that for a period of time. I adore my son to my every last cell.

angell84 · 31/10/2019 17:18

I am just wondering:

Any of the mums that regret having children, did you ever consider putting them up for adoption?

Mummyshark2018 · 31/10/2019 17:18

To try and balance posts. I love being a mummy. She just brings me so much joy and happiness. I actually get butterfly's in my tummy when I'm on my way to pick her up from school. She was much wanted and we had ivf to have her. I feel thankful that I have generally had good mental health. She was a good baby, slept, are well etc. Never had tantrums and is now a happy , loving child. I felt guilty for a long time not being able to give her a sibling. But now that I've (sort of) accepted that she will be an only I can see huge benefits. We have lots of time together, my dh and I have very fulfilling and flexible careers, no money worries and we pay babysitters to make sure we get out together at least once a month. I gave several girly weekend breaks a year and nights out socialising so I haven't missed out. I'm sure if I'd had more than one I would feel differently though and I imagine my experience would be different too. My dc said to me the other day ' mummy I love my life'. Best thing I've ever heard!

formerbabe · 31/10/2019 17:33

I think a lot depends on the temperament of your dc. I have two dc. One has sn but is actually the easier one to parent. She is a delight..smiley, happy and if I ask her to do something, 9 times out of ten, she will do it without nagging. My ds is nt but much harder work...needs nagging to do anything, defiant, cheeky and lots of back chat...he does have his good points Grin but he causes me much more stress.

formerbabe · 31/10/2019 17:36

Any of the mums that regret having children, did you ever consider putting them up for adoption?

I highly doubt anyone would and that's the really hard thing about parenting...even if you really hate it, you love them so much you can't face living without them.

formerbabe · 31/10/2019 17:44

We have lots of time together, my dh and I have very fulfilling and flexible careers, no money worries and we pay babysitters to make sure we get out together at least once a month. I gave several girly weekend breaks a year and nights out socialising so I haven't missed out

That's great you enjoy it but don't you think it's interesting that you enjoy it because you get a chance to have a break from it? So your career and social life are separate and can still thrive. Would you enjoy it so much if you had to be a sahm and never went out without her or had a night out or weekend away? I haven't worked for over a,decade...I have virtually no social life and a grand total of two nights away from my dc in 11 years.

SerenDippitty · 31/10/2019 18:11

@79andnotout thanks. I was ttc in the 90s there was very little if any honesty about motherhood back then. I never imagined that there were people who actually didn’t enjoy being parents. I do sometimes think that if there had been, and if AIBU had existed, I might have decided not to do IVF either. MIL wouldn’t have been happy but that’s another story.

onionandsage · 31/10/2019 18:22

For any 1st time pregnant mums reading this... head over to the pregnancy page quickly for some cute pictures of newborns!!

Expecting my first and honestly I don’t find newborns cute at all. I prefer kittens Confused

AmbitiouslyFit · 31/10/2019 18:27

I miss who I used to be before motherhood stripped away my identity and freedom. There are certainty things I would do differently.. but I don’t regret having my kids as I love them to bits and they’re such a huge part of me now .
But there are moments when I felt this way op. It changed when I decided to take on less stress and enjoy small things more. Do u always feel this way ?

ChileConCarne · 31/10/2019 18:30

I have no children and a lot of women, when they find this out, confide in me that they wish they never had, or had stopped at one.
No one has ever said this to me and all of my mum friends find their children a little frustrating at times but adore them. I only have one friend who is resentful, because she had 3 kids in her early 20s and didn’t get to experience much of life before them, and hasn't built up much earning potential - so is broke.
I just wanted to say this for balance.

ClownsandCowboys · 31/10/2019 18:32

I wouldn't have them adopted as it Wold completely mess them up. The best thing for children is to say with their birth family as much as that is possible. Even when the circumstances aren't ideal. They would go into care first and dd would unlikely not be adopted anyway because of her ASD.

I might regret having chikdren, but I want the absolute best for them, and make so many sacrifices for that reason. I love them so much, I couldn't do that to them.

Sometimes I fantasise about just walking away from my life and starting again somewhere. But I wouldn't do it because of the effect on them.

AmbitiouslyFit · 31/10/2019 18:37

Could u be suffering from depression OP?

motherheroic · 31/10/2019 18:39

@Mummyshark2018 Why are you trying to balance the posts? This thread wasn't really for women who love being mother's People are here to vent and find others who have had the same thoughts.