to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

Why do so many people with children think those of us without are eternal adolescents?

Here's a thread with plenty of that.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3515682-What-do-adults-without-children-do-on-weekends

I would urge anyone thinking of children and reading this thread and panicking to also go onto the Infertility board, or the Pregnancy/birth bit and read some of the stories there too. For every woman struggling with being a mum, there is another desperate to fall pregnant with a much longed for child. The fact is everyone has a different situation, some are lucky, some are dealt an unfair hand, some handle it well, others struggle. We're all different, and so are our kids.

I meant this thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3590955-Childless-couples

I'm convinced that for a lot of people saying "I wish I could go back to my old life of Netflix/sleeping/drinking", if you actually had your old life, you'd get bored of it eventually and wonder "Is this all there is now?" I'm 26 and I'm already bored of work, TV, going out for dinner. Not sure I want kids so I'm desperately trying to cultivate meaning in other ways - volunteering, pouring all my energy in a hobby, trying to make friends. But my life isn't what it was at uni and no-one has those same freedoms - I also get tired very easily, can't go out drinking, can't just do a degree or apprenticeship in another field if I fancy it. All the people saying "if I didn't have kids, I could have backpacked round the world and worked 12 hour days to become CEO" - TBH neither of those appeal to me in the slightest, probably same for a lot of people.

Recently I had a horrible job, I hated it so much I was seeing 2 counsellors - was so relieved when I handed in my notice, couldn't wait to be unemployed. I was unemployed for about a week before I hated it and started applying for jobs - the 2 months after that of waiting for offer/start date were hellish and miserable. You always want what you don't have.

For every woman struggling with being a mum, there is another desperate to fall pregnant with a much longed for child.

Yes of course and that's one reason why it's frowned upon to moan about your kids, and you should definitely not do it in front of people who are struggling with infertility!

But it's kind of missing the point a bit. Of those women who are TTC and desperate for a baby, quite a few of them will have that feeling of regret too once they do have them, or just feel overwhelmed and that they didn't realise how hard it was, or end up resenting their career going down the toilet because it turns out their DH/DP won't take his half of the load, or they end up splitting up. As PPs have said, having a child is 0-100 overnight and you can't know if it's really for you before you do it.

In fact if you've struggled with infertility it must be even more pressure and even harder to admit to yourself if you're not happy as a parent.

I'm convinced that for a lot of people saying "I wish I could go back to my old life of Netflix/sleeping/drinking", if you actually had your old life, you'd get bored of it eventually and wonder "Is this all there is now?"

I don't have kids, but here's my life at the moment:

• I travel a lot - visited 9 different countries in the past year, and did whatever I liked there
• when friends want to meet up, I have to check the calendar to see if I have another social engagement there. That's it.
• I work 37.5h a week. I go to the gym three times a week. I write four or five days a week. I need to do absolutely nothing to facilitate those activities.
• I like to hike, bake, craft and read. These fit in around the above as and when.
• I am also tired! I like to kick back and do nothing with my free time, to re-energise.
• I have two cats, who I adore and care for, but whose needs are absolutely minimal.

My life has already changed from being a lairy, drinking, clubbing twenty something. It's mellowed in pace and content. Adding a child into the mix sounds as undesirable as returning to clubbing at the moment.

My life is quite similar. I've travelled a lot, I work exactly my hours and am out the door at 5 (I have no ambitions to be in senior management, more to start a craft busines......), and spend my spare time sewing, meeting up with friends or just watching TV. I don't drink and don't have the energy for clubbing so I just put on house music indoors, turn the lights off and pretend it's a club (lol).

I'm not sure I'd be content with just this for the rest of my life, but I'm not sold on kids either, so we'll see what else life brings.

My point was that life evolves, and if you don't like how your life evolved due to kids, you may not like how it would evolve without kids either.

I really, really miss my clubbing days when I lived in sharehouses, could drink more than 2 drinks without feeling sick and saw my friends every day - but I literally don't have the energy or inclination to go back to it, so now have a more afternoon-tea-in-the-garden-centre-with-husband lifestyle, which is fine, but nowhere near as fun. I want to want to go clubbing, but I just don't want to - if that makes sense. I don't particularly like how my life's evolved but it just happens and there's nothing you can do about it! If I'd had kids now I'd have thought "Darn it, without them I'd be clubbing and climbing the career ladder" - apart from I'm not. You never know what you would've done in a parallel universe.

My dd has told me she doesn't want to have children and I do feel a sense of relief for her as there is often a high price to pay when you have children in terms of maternal health.

I've never regretted having her for a second but I don't think motherhood is for everyone and it can be really tough.

Being child free is now far more common than in previous generations.

I never really liked really loud, dance-music clubbing, but I am looking forward to being the kind of old lady who goes to jazz clubs at midnight and weird exhibition openings, wearing an array of mad fashion.

I'm also curious to know if the regret for kids is widespread amongst all parents. Difficult to know because the headline of this one probably naturally draws a lot of parents who regret to click on it.

I wonder if you take the average parent in the street, for every ten how many really would turn back the clock if they could...

The question is a difficult one because does it mean:

'If you could have a second life, would you have kids in it?'

Or

'Would you turn back time in this life and not have kids?'

As they are two very different things. If I had already done a life with kids then I might want to experience one without, for example. That's different from wishing I didn't have kids in my current life.

The problem is also the number of variables involved in parenthood. If you could guarantee a birth with no long-lasting health repercussions, an easy baby with an easy temperament, a baby with no health problems or additional needs, a good sleeper... then life is much easier compared to people dealing with one and often several of those things.

But it's a crapshoot and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't.

We don't have kids. We tried for a few years in my late thirties and then realised I had underlying immune issues and decided not to pursue the IVF route and just crack on with our lives. We are really busy! Both work full time, both have lots of hobbies. Tonight I'm going to my horticulture class, this weekend I'm away on an art course. We just joined a running club, and are off on holiday to Morocco next week. Our friends pretty much all had kids and disappeared for a while but have all resurfaced now the toddler years are over and we see them regularly again.

I am not sure I ever really wanted kids, I think I just got waylaid by my hormones in my late thirties. My partner was always ambivalent, so think everything worked out the best for us in the end.

@79andnotout that is good to read. I think I was the same even though we did try IVF. DH was more disappointed for me than for himself.

BTW when you made the decision to just crack on with life did you have lots of people saying words to the effect of “now you’ve given up you’ll get pregnant”?

@thecatsthecats

That's my life too.... but with kids! And no cats. And probably still a little bit of clubbing.

I probably have to do a little bit more organising but everything there is still possible with kids.

Well the women I know who regret having children don't do so because they want to go back to their old life of Netflix/sleeping/drinking!

They regret having children because it's bloody hard work, because they are so tired it's untrue, because they have or have had money problems due to the children, because their marriage has broken down or is no longer happy due to the children, because they no longer have a rewarding job, because having children has caused them health problems etc etc.

It's very condescending to think that women are all so shallow

Hi @SerenDippitty - I had a mixed response. My friends with the most trouble conceiving and were still actively going through treatment for their first or second were quite upset that I'd given up and tried to convince me otherwise, whereas my friends with no trouble conceiving and mostly happy with their brood didn't really say much other than you know best - I'm sure you could have a happy life without kids. I think everyone interprets these things through their own lens.

Haven't read all the reviews but I definitely found the pre school ages very tough. I had 3 under 5 and it was tough slog. I cried a lot behind closed doors, but put on a brave face in public.
It didn't mean I didn't love my kids, I was just totally exhausted from them
My DH worked away a lot too, which didn't help.
I found, when he was home, just getting out for a couple of hours on my own helped or getting DH to take them off for a few hours while I rested ( or caught up on house work ) , also helped .
It does get easier as they sleep better and are a bit more independent.
I'm in the teenage years now , its busy but it's so much easier ! I still worry constantly about them , but that's just being a mum I think !
Hang in there, its exhausting but it will get easier. I sometimes regret not enjoying them more as babies / toddlers but it's hard to, when it's so full on and you're so sleep deprived !
Ask for help, take a little time to yourself and cut yourself some slack !
You're doing you're best, your kids are well cared for but you need to mind yourself too .
...and the occasional , helps !

I don't believe anyone chooses not to have children because they want to travel the world/devote more time to their career/party every weekend. Those are just fringe benefits

The reason that I don't have kids is that I never felt the urge to have children. I know that I am missing out on the good bits but, for me, I felt that they wouldn't outweigh the bad bits. Obviously I can never know for sure how I would have felt, but I didn't want to have children and regret it. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't have enjoyed any of it. I always say that I would have liked children if I could have been a 1970s dad, not a 2000s mum .

I have been a carer and I didn't like that person I became when I was doing it, even though it was the right thing to do. I never had a moment's mental peace because I was always worrying. I have done lots of childcare and find it incredibly tedious. Yes, it would be great if I could have fast-forwarded to my DC being in their 20s and seeing them become independent adults (assuming no SN) but I feared that the two decades of hard slog to get to that stage would break me.

I always say that I would have liked children if I could have been a 1970s dad, not a 2000s mum 🙂

^ THIS- I LOVE this. I think the social and economic pressures of being a mum make it scary as hell!

I’m currently 18+2 and sometimes panic wondering what I’ve done. Ultimately (for me) the benefits did outweigh the downfalls (...but it was close). I NEVER judge anyone for not wanting children it’s such a personal choice.

However, I really can’t abide this sort of ‘sub culture’ being created amongst young/child free adults that children are simply annoying inconveniences who shouldn’t be brought out in public. The toddler crying on the train is annoying (we can all agree) but just because they’re small doesn’t mean they’re any less of a human being, or have any less right to be on the train than you!
Every generation of adults (breeders or not) have had to endure the next generation of children! Those muttering and glaring at stressed parents were no doubt toddlers screaming busses/trains themselves 10/20/30 years ago! 🙄

I don’t regret it at all but I really did underestimate how hard it would be (relentless at times), how much my life would change and how unhappy it would make me sometimes.

I have two under two and I’m hoping it gets easier as they get older.

@clarec86

I posted a rant up thread about how hard it is.

But when my dd puts her little hands on my face and gives me a kiss or says ‘yuv you mummy’ it makes it all better. Or when I see her learn something new, or do a little dance, or make a friend. I do not regret her even for a second, even when I’m chasing her when she runs off or she’s screaming and tantrumming. I have never, EVER felt love like it. I am so proud of her.

What I would say is make sure the person you want to have a baby with is actually going to be a partner. I don’t mean occasionally changing a nappy, or taking them out or doing the occasional bit of washing up. Will they actually be hands on, will they do things without you asking, will they support you no matter what - even at your lowest when you can’t stop crying all day and you feel like you’re wading through treacle. It was (and is) one of the things that made being a parent so hard for me. I fell into the trap of thinking my dh would be a brilliant dad because he was a great uncle. Except as an uncle he could pick up and put down whenever and never had to plan meals, change nappies or feed all day, he never had to do overnights etc. Because while you might have one child, if your husband or partner isn’t hands on and involved with every aspect, it’s like having a second child!

I always say that I would have liked children if I could have been a 1970s dad, not a 2000s mum.

Haha!

I feel like being in charge of a small business (not by design) gives me a tiny glimpse of the unending responsibility.

I worry about the finance of it. I worry about how everyone's getting on. I worry every single day just before I go to sleep.

Yes, my responsibility and care for this stupid company is far far smaller - but I have a view of the inescapability of the feeling.

(fortunately leaving here will be a hell of a lot easier!)

Really interesting and honest thread I love mine but I'd I'd have known reality of it I would have chosen differently