to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

Sorry - thread’s moved on and I haven’t read it all.. sorry if i sounded trite, I really did think and mean it at the time though.

I don’t regret having DD at all, but I definitely have some envy when I hear about childfree friends and what they are up to (holidays, long walks, relaxed pub lunches etc).

I am so incredibly lucky to have a healthy, neurotypical child. She is (as toddlers go) really quite easygoing, and sleeps well too. I still find it overwhelming quite a lot of the time, and struggle with no time to myself (I am a SAHM and she no longer naps). I didn’t realise I was a bit of an introvert, but I crave some peace and quiet and a dog walk with just the sound of the air.

I do feel like I’ve lost my identity somewhat, but compared to what some other PPs are dealing with every day, I have got it really, really easy, and it’s still relentless.

Another introvert here. Yanbu OP. DD (2) is in many ways an easy child - clever, listens, generally cautious, eats, sleeps; a doddle compared to some of her friends. But she wants me all day. And I want time to myself really - I have a very limited capacity for repetitive chats, and she can whinge with the best of them. But then I feel guilty if I don’t engage with her, because I’m like that. So even if I have five minutes to myself I feel like I’m shirking my duties.

I’ve also seen sides of DH I don’t like and didn’t know of before having her - he’s just not as reliable as he needs to be, and at times a bit of a diva.

I don’t think I regret having her but I’m very aware that if this is how I feel with no money issues and a bit childcare in place and a relatively easy child, what’s it like with a shit sleeper/SEN/single parent/health issues? No criticism from me.

If I had known how hard motherhood actually can be, I would never have made the decision to have children.

I don’t regret having them though. They have deepened and changed my life irrevocably and they are incredible people I am proud to be raising. One of mine can’t walk or talk, but he’s taught me more about life and love than anyone.

Have you considered that you may have postnatal depression? I strongly feel its a myth that this magically passes, it can and does continue for years. What's your relationship like with DH/DP? Do you work as a team? I felt like this and considered leaving (without my children), and eventually I had a breakdown at which point my DH stopped letting me be a control freak who insisted on doing everything myself because I wouldn't trust him to do anything right (my way). Things did not improve overnight, but anti-depressants, counselling and a lot of changes in our relationship, and things are better now. Also I just wasn't a lover of little children, much prefer them now they are 11/12 - still hard work but in a different way. All very well people suggesting we should have known it wouldn't be a bed of roses, but when your clock's ticking, you don't think for a second that you might one day regret having children, its just too strong an urge. Also noone warned me that DD2 would still be climbing into our not big enough bed most nights aged 4. In fact still does it now every so often!

So I totally love my kids. Got 3DDs - 8, 5 & 3 - and we had to have treatment to have the first 2. Number 3 was an amazing surprise. DD1 is challenging - currently going through CAMHS to see how she can be helped - possible autism - and that does affect family life. And life is totally exhausting and that's so hard, even though my youngest has just started nursery full time. What I struggle with is the mental load - I work PT in 2 schools and do most of the house / family stuff. We have very very little family support - which I do think counts for a lot. I would love a break sometimes but it rarely happens and I am also one of those who stay up much later than I should just to get some quiet time and space.

Occasionally I have had to take time off for DD2's hospital check ups and when it's just me and her and we have some quality time together before and after the appointment and I don't go into work, I find I am a totally different parent at the end of the day. The problem is that there is not enough time and too much to do in it. I am not the parent I would like to be and that upsets me. I would love to take a break from my jobs but that isn't possible. But I know that my kids are suffering because I can't give them more of myself at the end of a long, physically challenging day - I simply don't have the energy. I think in this world, it's very very hard to find a balance, and as the mother, your own self care is often at the bottom of a very long list - that's if you even make it onto the list in the first place!

Take care of yourself OP.

I wish more women were honest about this.

I didn’t have children. I was on the fence but my sister was so honest with me about the highs and lows that I felt it would be something I regretted.

She loves her children but one has very difficult special needs and will never be able to live independently. She loves them, but hates her life because of them.

@Courtney555 hat off to you.

OP, it is hard. 2 DC here, one non verbal ASD. I love my kids but oh my goodness.
NT DCis lovely, bright,sweet,funny but also has his moments(probably like any child).
ASD DC is lovely but hard work.

Problem with ASD is that nobody tells you before you have the child that you might end up dealing with this crap. I love both of mine but if I’d known I was going to have ASD child and what comes with it I would have stopped at one.

There, I said it.

The life, things you can’t do as the family, sleeping for 2-3 hours at the time for 5 years, comments from people ( shit things like “celebrating autism because it’s so unique and special”).
It’s crap.
I don’t know if DC2 will ever be able to live independently.
I don’t regret having them but sometimes I’m very bitter at the cards life dealt me and how unfair it is.
Hugs to everybody

@CassandrasCastle don't worry. I was pregnant with twins nearly 2 years ago now and was absolutely bricking it. I thought my life was over.

It is difficult and all consuming but I wouldn't change it for the world. I can only speak for myself but parenthood has made me a better person. I have help from family members and sometimes I need more help and support but we all do our best and that is all we can do.

Haven’t RTFT but I’ve actually said to my husband that I’m a little angry that no one told me what it was really like. Like I knew it would be hard, but it is really fucking relentless.

This is so true. The way no one tells you about the reality and just watches or even encourages you to walk into it - it’s almost like a conspiracy. Or maybe I’m just over tired and overthinking things.

Would you have really listened if they had though? My mum tried to tell me but I just thought she was being negative. When you are in that mindset that you want a baby, it's like you have blinkers on and can't think of anything else, so you probably wouldn't believe someone if they did tell you how shit it can be.

What are the primary school years like? Those have just begun for me and I wonder what I can expect (one DC)...

@Thebishop some people are blessed with babies that sleep, some people have non-sleepers. My first was a nightmare baby(non sleeper) but awesomew toddler, the second was the other way round.
Having kids is like russian roulette, you don’t know if you’re going to end up with easy, difficult(and at what stage) or ASD child.
I’m not going to say anything about birth related injuries that fuck up your bladder/bowel movement for life, surely they are not worth a mention?

It is a shame that so many people seem to feel like this. Hankering after their old lives. Very few on here are disagreeing which is very sad. Do you not think that things have to change anyway?

Personally having DC was the best thing I ever did (along with marrying DH). I loved the early years but think that my DC have got better and better the older they get. One is now nearly 20 and at Uni and the other is 16. Both are lovely, interesting and independent young people. I'll be very sad when they leave home because they are good company. Some of the early years were intense but we're at the stage where DH and I can do things on our own, as a couple or as a family. I'm certainly not craving 'freedom'.

Life is made up of different stages. In my 20s I didn't hanker after being a teenager again, fun as it was at the time; similarly in my 30s I wasn't yearning for the Bridget Jones lifestyle i had in my 20s in London. How dull would it be to still be working long hours during the week then getting drunk at parties every weekend in my 50s?

Looking back with rose tinted spectacles is pointless. I suspect that those who miss their old lives so much would be surprised, if they could have a sliding doors moment, that continuing with more of the same wouldn't have been so great either. Bit like those people in their 30s who still hang around universities living a student lifestyle.

I'm not doubting the relentlessness of trying to raise DC with health problems or behavioural issues; fighting for every bit of support and with no end in sight. In that situation I'd no doubt want to turn back the clock and opt out. But for those with NT children upset about not getting much sleep for a couple of years or being able to read a book in piece - don't worry. When they're teenagers they're in their rooms for hours so you hardly see them! Plenty of time for hobbies then.

@whiteroseredrose

I agree.

Having a good moan seems a thing to be celebrated... however focussing on difficulties does nothing in terms of improving our lives.

Being solution focussed & practising gratitude everyday really helps us to tune our brain into contentment & happiness.

How dull would it be to still be working long hours during the week then getting drunk at parties every weekend in my 50s?
Its possible to grow and change WITHOUT having kids. I don’t have any and ditched nights out about 10 years ago in favour of gardening, diy and hiking! It always makes me smile when people with kids think those of us without live as we all did in our twenties for the next 30 years!

I think it's important to be honest and challenge the notion that motherhood makes a woman complete. I also think it's becoming more common to do so.

I have one DS7 who is a joy. I'm lucky that I've mostly enjoyed it all to date, from newborn to now, despite a lot of warnings from colleagues and friends about the negatives. Part of this I feel is due to perspective and personality - I'm generally a "glass full" type of person. People I know who have struggled most with parenthood (in the absence of SEN etc) have often already had existing mental health issues pre-children and/or tend to be fairly negative about other areas.

I'm very lucky to work part time and have a great work/life balance with a fantastic DH. If it wasn't for this I'm sure I'd have struggled more. I do think this is key - I get time for myself, time to be properly involved in DS life, and still have a fairly decent job (even if it's not what it could have been if i hadn't gone PT). If more mothers had this balance and weren't under pressure to "have it all and all at the same time" - an impossible notion - things would be better.

I've suffered from infertility for 10 years due to a chronic health condition. DS was conceived by IVF but further attempts for a sibling have failed. I'm not sure if we should try again - maybe when you're satisfied with your life right now and generally it's not too much of a struggle, you should ignore that societal pressure?

Would you have really listened if they had though?

As someone who was never desperately broody, if one of my best friends confided in me and said they massively regretted having kids then yes, I think I would have listened. Although I admit it’s easy to say in hindsight.

My mum told me it was hard but I think her attitude is very much that it’s worth it - we’re a close family and she and my dad adore seeing me and my brother regularly.

@whiteroseredrose thank you for your encouraging post!

I think women need to be more open and truthful about having children. For all the ones happy with no regrets there are many more who are unhappy and do regret having them.

Also judging by most of my friends that have children, very little thought is often given to whether to have them or not. Me and DH discussed at length whether to have children or not and decided not to. Most of my friends say they had little or no discussion. They either had children because "it's the thing to do", they just wanted them but hadn't really thought through the consequences or they got pregnant by accident (the last one being very common).

I can't believe that people take such a gigantic step as having children without lots of thought and discussion. Think about the sleepless nights, the hard work and often boredom of looking after babies and young children. Also the possible financial difficulties, the possibility that your marriage/relationship will break down and (something rarely talked about in my experience) the health problems that can result from having a child.

Also possibly years and years of worry and anxiety over them. You may be lucky and have children that don't give any real worries but if you are by nature a worrier or suffer anxiety (as I do) you will worry anyway.

My mum still worries about me and I am in my 60's! I also give her nothing to worry about. I have a few friends who have grown up children still causing them worry and grief for various reasons. One friend has 4 children, 2 of them are a great worry to her and she also has 13 grandchildren and quite a few of them are causing problems (drug taking, accidental drug overdoses, stealing etc)

Nobody ever told me that wanting a child and believing your life would be less for not having had one is about 75% hormonal. Children are one way of bringing meaning to your life but just that, one way. Now im mature, i realise i would have accepted not having had children and worked on becoming braver soooner. Making more of freedom

How dull would it be to still be working long hours during the week then getting drunk at parties every weekend in my 50s?
Its possible to grow and change WITHOUT having kids. I don’t have any and ditched nights out about 10 years ago in favour of gardening, diy and hiking! It always makes me smile when people with kids think those of us without live as we all did in our twenties for the next 30 years!

Well quite. Why do so many people with children think those of us without are eternal adolescents?

Yes life changes. But it does whether you have children or not.

For me a lot of it is probably tied to the fcst that if we didn't have dc then I wouldn't still be married to DH. There's nothing awful or abusive, just not right for each other. But we get on well enough to keep going as parents. I'm sad at what else I might have had, love wise.

I love people that are honest about this. I've just increased my working hours because 2 days a week with DS was too much for me.

1 dc is enough and we will be getting a dog and finishing there I think. We are happy the 3 of us and love DS so much but the exhaustion is overwhelming.

I agree with some posters saying people don't give having children enough thought. It either happens by accident or people do it because it's just 'what you do'

I've had countless talks with friends saying how nervous I am about it all and don't they weigh up pros and cons etc for years I'd say this to them and they'd tell me with an eye roll I'm overthinking and being silly?!

These are friends with no young children as nieces or nephews either so they really have no idea.

My point, I think if people have it more thought and more thought the timing maybe it would make things a bit easier, maybe some would rethink their decision completely if it was more based on logic rather than emotion or 'urge'

Life is made up of different stages. In my 20s I didn't hanker after being a teenager again, fun as it was at the time; similarly in my 30s I wasn't yearning for the Bridget Jones lifestyle i had in my 20s in London. How dull would it be to still be working long hours during the week then getting drunk at parties every weekend in my 50s?

I have already said I don't regret it but found/find it harder then expected & I have it easy (good work/life balance, close & hands-on family, good DH) but it's not because i can't party & get drunk.