to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

@Zaphodsotherhead

Funny you talk about social groups and female support, as I've recently realised that the friend groups where we're friends equally with the men and women are thriving a lot more than the single sex groups.

For example, if I want to meet up with one group, we find a weekend where we're all free, and all attend - parents, babies, childfree people. We hike, we cook or eat out, we drink, and the children happily bounce from one person to another (lots of pairs of hands), and although it's child-friendly, it's not child centred.

Where the friend groups are single sex - my husband and his best friend, or my local girlfriends - it has to be coordinated to have all partners happy to babysit, and the dynamic is 'let's go wild and party'. It's hard to find a date for everyone, so it happens very rarely. Or we get together - again, just the girls - but with the babies in tow, which leads to a far lower ratio of caregivers, and often in a child centred location.

I know which dynamic I prefer, and feels like less has changed - and feels like how my parents socialised when we were kids.

This is why I’ve stuck with one child!

I was very young and naive and have struggled being a single parent, finding work to fit around dd etc.

Only now she’s older (11) am I getting my life back. I’m going back to uni, travelling a bit more and it’s fucking glorious!

Oh DisneyMadeMeDoIt
I've got HG too (am 27 weeks) and my gps have been the complete opposite. They've been full of sympathy and happy to give out sick notes and tablets. I'm so cross for you.

I've never regretted having DC but I don't sugar coat the experience to child free friends! I never know what to say to pg friends though as some women appreciate 'being warned' and others think 'why is everyone trying to scare me?'

@Dissimilitude

Thank you so much for mentioning the book - I will certainly read it.

What you have outlined reflects my observations on the hardships of parenting in recent years.

I am interested in the "media driven" theory but not really surprised to hear this. Sadly, I doubt whether this trend can ever be reversed or even toned down.

I'm in my early 40s and have definitely felt pressure to have kids. When I was a teen my mother told me 'you're not a real woman until you have children'. When I got married it was assumed that kids would soon follow. In fact one of the reasons I got divorced was not wanting kids while my partner did. I've been told many times that I'm 'selfish' to not want children, usually by men. When female friends have had kids, some have asked me 'don't you want them??' as though there's something desperately wrong with me and then tell me I HAVE to have them (well I suppose with various mental health issues over the years there has been something 'wrong' with me, which is why I'm making the best choice for me in not having kids). They seem to feel personally insulted that I've chosen not to, and it's almost like they fear they've been conned and I've managed to get off scott free. I try to reply as tactfully as possible that it's just not for me, but these women have then got their digs in by saying 'you're probably too old anyway' (from age 30 onwards). I think these particular women were doubting their own choices and so looking for reassurance from me that I was envious of them and missing out. Truth is whatever life path we take we gain in some things and miss out in others. I look at the happy families I know and think it's lovely, I love kids too, but I also know myself better than anyone and know I'd be miserable as a parent, especially with a lack of family support and my financial situation. Plus, it's just never even occurred to me to have kids, I've never desired it and always find it an odd question to be asked, like 'why don't you want a pet elephant? Don't you like elephants? You'd be great as an elephant owner' etc Not saying this to try and annoy anyone, it's just these pressures for women to be mothers and take on the majority of parenting responsibility causes these resentments to build up between mothers and childfree women, when ideally we'd all be supporting each other. There should be no shame in admitting motherhood is a struggle, it needs to be acknowledged how difficult it is so that we can move towards getting more support and recognition for the toll being a mother takes, from health issues to financial set backs. It's no coincidence the great shame women are supposed to feel for expressing any regrets keeps women in their place, divides women and maintains the status quo.

Being single is not a bed of roses either

As a commitment phone of the highest order, being single is definitely a bed of roses for me. Butt then I would assume there are many parents who are blissfully happy too.

I guess that you can be happy or unhappy both in or out of a relationship and with or without children.

I think the key is having kids at the right time, with the right person and with the right support behind you. I partied throughout my youth, studied and worked hard to get a good job and married my partner after 13 years together! I knew we were emotionally and financially ready to have children. My mum was also desperate for grandchildren so I was assured of babysitting!! Had my daughter at 34 and another one on the way at 37. My mum absolutely adores my daughter which means we get time to ourselves. I think that's so key to enjoying being a parent - being able to still be the old you too!
Not to say it isn't hard for us too, I'm about to start the newborn/BF stage again and I know it's down to me and is going to be tough! But there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Its not easy to always plan when you're going to have kids but I always stress to my younger friends/family members. Don't rush into it, it IS life changing and you really have to be ready for it.

@UpfieldHatesWomen I get what you're saying. I'm sorry you've been given such a hard time over something that is no one's business apart from your own. It really is ridiculous. I like dogs very much, but I would never want one of my own (I have 4 cats). But no one tells me that I'm weird for not wanting to own one.

It's much better to know that you don't want DC than to have them and regret it forever after. It's a very big commitment and it's something that too many people don't put enough thought into whether it's the right decision for them.

I think this is a benefit of starting a family young. I was 18 and so my life went from childhood living with my parents, to adulthood living with my partner and pregnant so there was no previous life to miss.

I have been fortunate in that I have enjoyed the younger years, have been able to complete a degree and have a good career now. My children are 17, 15 and 6 now and we are now thinking about whether there is one more to come.

The teen years are really, really hard though. Whilst physically not as draining, emotionally I have struggled with my eldest - particularly when she was 14/15. That is one thing that puts me off having a fourth. If I found teen years hard in my thirties, would I be able to cope in my fifties?

Lizzie0869 Thanks, it's water off a duck's back really, but it is a personal issue to be probed about. I've also had idiots outright ask me if I'm infertile, as though it's so unnatural to not want kids that could be the only reason (how would I know if I'm infertile or not if I've never tried for kids anyway?) In my upbringing, my dad was a layabout and my mother did everything including going out to work, and did she ever let her resentment show, so I always knew I didn't want to be in a situation like that and never had an idyllic view of setting up my own family. I was often told by her she wished she'd had an abortion, that her life got worse after I was born etc. (She's probably a narc, I'm NC) I think having seen the worst kind of family set up I have always had my eyes fully open and it's not something I've ever desired, but I imagine if my background was more healthy I may have swallowed motherhood being the ideal due to the way it is so pushed on us. I would say it's incredibly healthy to talk about how shit being a parent is, so that the resentment isn't passed onto the kids (and in my experience, also single female friends and colleagues).

danadas “ I think this is a benefit of starting a family young. I was 18 and so my life went from childhood living with my parents, to adulthood living with my partner and pregnant so there was no previous life to miss.”

That reads as a long way of saying “you can’t miss what you’ve never had”?

autumnrose yes I think that is it. There was no adjustment to make as such from 'single adult' to 'parenting adult' so no longing for spontaneous nights out, travelling the world etc. I also had the added benefit of social media being in it's infancy and not something I was part of then so didn't see what school friends were up to in the way that people would now. That is something this generation will have added.

And it doesn't get any easier, if they have health issues or disabilities, sometimes it gets harder as they grow older

35 years later, I still regret it as my life is much much much harder now than it was when they were little

danadas I guess I find the idea that you can’t miss what you’ve never had - in this case, freedom - to be a but sad. But then I’ve never had a mansion on the beach, and still feel I missed out

@AutumnRose1 it's fine. I deserve to be shouted at for thinking such ridiculous things. If anyone else said the same I'd have said exactly what you said.

I wonder if I'll get to my mid thirties and suddenly become really broody. That's the best case scenario. And to be honest, I wonder whether I will have the whole hormonal time bomb and that it will suddenly be "GO GO GO" to want a baby.

Ugh.

leading to a rise of child abuse in the Western world

I cannot believe that abuse is worse now than in the past. Things that weren’t considered abusive when my parents were kids would definitely get a look in from social workers

I know some people think the clock thing was a media invention....coinciding with contraception and women’s control over their own bodies. Prior to that, certainly in my family history women were churning out kids right up to menopause.

In fact I think the increased abortion rate in 40s has been a attributed to women being told how unlikely they are to get pregnant. Argh.

I’m really shouting just because I feel strongly that people are sold lies about having children.

I can't believe the amount of mums on here saying "me too". WTF! I feel sorry for your children.

I absolutely adore my kids and I love being a SAHM. I don't have it easy either, 2 under 2 with no family support around. Yes I'm tired, but so what? Have a coffee and get on with it!

@summedup did you read any posts? Especially from those of us with DC with SEND?

My 7 yr old doesn't sleep through the night. That needs more than coffee. She physically assaults us weekly. She's also often suicidal because her anxiety is so high, due to her ASD.

In some ways I also feel guilty bringing her into the world to live it in the way she has to. It's not much fun for her either.

@summedup

Yay for you, you have children with no SEN, the luxury of being a SAHM whilst most have to work, and the worst you feel is “tired”.

Try parenting SEN kids with MH issues whilst you also have MH issues, are a single parent and work full time.

I have the odd day where I feel like this. Sometimes a childless friend comes to visit. And we have a lovely time and then they go home. I know they're going home to a clean / quiet house and they can do whatever they want with the rest of their day.
I seriously envy that they can wake up on a Saturday at whatever time they want, they can tidy the house, sort some 'life admin' out. Have a boozy lunch perhaps, go shopping for a few hours. Make a leisurely meal and sit bf watch tv for a few hours to unwind. My life doesn't tend to have any downtime. I work, I look after the house (as does DH) I childcare and then I essentially go to bed.
She brings me joy absolutely always and I don't regret her for one second. I just wish I could dip into my old life for a day or two every now and then!

@summedup haha try working too

Sadly, I think many many women (and men) feel the same way.

Me and DH decided not to have children even though we both loved children. There were a few reasons such as overpopulation and us thinking it's a pretty shit world to bring children into. We also felt that there was a much higher chance of our marriage lasting if we didn't have children.

Now in our 60's and married 40 years we don't regret our decision at all, never have. In fact we are even more strongly convinced we made the right choice.

Lots of our friends had children and are now all but one divorced. A few on second or third marriages. Most of them say the problems started when they had children.

Over the years lots and lots of women have told me that although they love their children if they could go back in time they would choose not to have any. I do mean lots and lots. Having lived in various places in the UK and abroad and being pretty outgoing and sociable we have met lots of people.

Even women with grown up children still say it and many say it never got easier as their children got older. In fact it often got harder.

We also know quite a few child free couples. They, apart from one couple, are still in first marriages the shortest of which is 29 years and the longest 50 years).

Me and DH are still very much in love and very happy together

I would have had a third if it had come with a guarantee that I wouldn't be so exhausted, and mine were relatively easy and I had family support.
As pp's say it does get easier as they get older although the physical load is replaced more by a mental load.

Looking back my only piece of advice is
Don't try to be a perfect parent - good enough is fine. You'll make mistakes. It's impossible to do the right thing all the time as what is fine for one child won't work with another. Most kids will end up ok. I wish I hadn't stressed so much and put that pressure on me and them. You want to be somewhere in the middle - not over protective or abusive, and then they'll drag themselves up and build resilience over coming obstacles on the way. That's the best thing you can do for them, along with making them feel loved - even if you are screaming inside. Set boundaries and don't try to be their friend but let them make their mistakes too. And again forgive yourself for your mistakes, you'll make many along the way. Everyone does.

Having worked with SN kids I was perpetually grateful that I could go home and resume normal life. How on earth people manage 24/7 I have no idea. Obviously there is no choice in the matter but boy it is so much harder than normal parenting - and that is hard enough as evidenced by stories on here.