to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

I'm pregnant with my first, and this sort of thread always madly scares me. Not that people should not be telling their truth! And it's good to be prepared rather than thinking motherhood is going to be a breeze, but I think I've gone the other way and am now expecting it to be incredibly hard all the time, and that I certainly won't be a 'natural mother'.

Shit

Parenting is way more involved than it was 50 years ago, or especially 100 years ago. Children are all consuming in a way they were not before.

@Dissimilitude I’m really interested in this idea. In what way was parenting less consuming in the past compared to now? I think children definitely had more freedom to go off and do their own thing back then - so that’s one thing. Plus there were probably far lower expectations on parents to give their kids the “perfect” upbringing. Did the article give any other examples?

I’m 13 weeks pregnant with my first - reading this thread has made me wonder whether I’m making a massive mistake!

I agree @GhoulieBat.

The social problem of many mother's being cruel, is not the mother's fault.

It is society's fault. Too much burden is put on the mother. There should be a free early child care year. Scandinavian countries have much better systems

I don't think it is worth it. Sorry, I know that is going to upset a lot of people, but in my case, it is true. I love my kids, but myself and my eldest can't seem to get through a day without rowing and it is grinding me down. It fell to me to make all the sacrifices while my husband just carried on as normal at work and now I am faced with starting all over again, my own hopes and dreams as a young woman flushed down the drain and I wonder would I have regretted it if I hadn't had them? I don't know. I was the generation that kept being told we could have it all but how the fuck are you supposed to do that when the cost of living keeps rising and wages stay stagnant? Maybe I will get through the teen phase and think it is all wonderful again. Some woman love having children and being a mother but how are we supposed to know that is going to be how it is for us until we do it?!

@wondering7777

I can't remember exactly where I encountered this idea - I think it's in Jonathan Heidt's "Coddling of the American Mind".

He's an American psychologist and academic, his central idea in this book is that there's a measurable change in parenting style sometime in the 90s, driven by hyperbolic media reports of violence against children, and that this change in parenting, combined with the arrival of social media, is driving a marked increase in mental health issues in the young, with big increases in hard measures of mental health (i.e. it's not self-reported or interpreted data, it's things like self-harm injury and suicide).

In terms of parenting differences - we are incredibly over-involved in our children's lives, compared to even 30 years ago. Children barely have any interactions which are not chaperoned or supervised by adults. The moral panic about bullying has led to us curating ther social lives. Fear of paedophiles means a general sense of strange adults being a threat. Fear of the roads means we never let them go anywhere by themselves, we drive them everywhere.

It also means we are carrying the cognitive load for micromanaging our children's social lives and play. 30 years ago my mother was responsible for feeding me, clothing me, housing me, and the occasional bit of pastoral love and care. Everything else was self directed. My kids lead a totally different life from me, I am way more involved and not always for the better.

I think in the book he has evidence to show that parents are measurably less happy now than they were.

I wouldn’t say it’s not their fault as such - we all have a responsibility not to be cruel to our DC, and I make a conscious effort to be as unlike my mum as I can. But I do think it is connected to the difficulties and expectations on mothers and the way it can affect your life and mh.

I felt like that at times when they were little. It is totally knackering and takes all your time and energy. I now regret not enjoying them more when they were that young but that is the responsibility of parenthood. I probably started to enjoy it when they turned 7. Now they are 13 and 15 they are a joy (mostly).

I’ve observed this change in parenting too. I think it’s coincided with the realisation that we shouldn’t hit children, which I totally agree with - but for so many parents I’ve known, it’s kind of extended into the idea that you shouldn’t ever do anything that upsets your child at all. One friend For example when our dc were toddlers said she couldn’t bear doing anything that made her dc cry - including making them do anything at all that they didn’t want to. They were toddlers! Toddlers are going to resist and cry when they don’t get their way! But she would bend over backwards to make sure they were never upset.

You can see how attitude makes it harder for kids to ever learn to cope with difficult situations and emotions.

I also read in a social study book, that adults have change alot in the past century.

It said that adults are more immature now, for a longer time, leading to a rise of child abuse in the Western world.

"It is like a ten year old - trying to look after a two year old"

I think that the change in parenting also has something to do with the fact that 50 or 60 years ago it wasn’t really a choice. There was no freely available reliable contraception and the idea of choosing not to have them was something quite alien.

@GhoulieBat

Exactly.

There's a guy called Nicholas Taleb (famous for the concept of a "Black Swan Event"), who talks about "antifragile systems". An antifragile system is one which gains strength when put under some strain.

The classic example is the immune system. An immune system which is never exposed to any pathogen lacks the information it needs to fight novel infections.

Jonathan Haidt suggests, basically, that we have forgotten that kids are also "antifragile". They need to bicker with other kids in the playground. They need to directly observe and learn what happens when they don't play well with others, they need to have some freedom to work out how to orient themselves in the world. We are so keen to protect them from harm, we are impeding their ability to cope with inevitable future difficulties.

Bottom line, if we made parenting less of a drudge and less all-encompassing, it would be better for us and better for them.

@SerenDippitty

It's about more than that. The real marked change in parenting style occurred in the 90s. It's probably media driven.

YANBU. I absolutely adore my little girl, but I have often found myself wondering if I would have had her if I had known what being a parent would be like.
I will openly admit to being selfish. The things in life that I enjoyed doing; going for meals and drinks with my OH, relaxing holidays in the sun, spontaneous weekends away and days out, are no longer an option for us and I miss them all. I also, selfishly, miss spending my money on myself.
Having a child has also made the grief of losing my mum worse, as I also have the grief of missing out on the daughter-mum-grandma relationship. I miss her for the both of us now.

@CassandrasCastle I felt the same when I was pregnant and I’ve honestly mostly really enjoyed it.

😂 I’m currently posting on another thread about kids bad behaviour. There’s a flurry of ‘when I was a child I’d NEVER have dared’ to which I commented on the SEVERE changes in parenting/social pressures over the last 2 decades.

• I’m currently being told I’m wrong and parenting hasn’t changed! 😂 so it’s quite refreshing to read these comments!

OP 💐 I feel it for you
FWIW I’m currently pregnant and feel like it’s ruined my life! I was VERY unwell for a long time (HG) and got so isolated/depressed - currently having MH counselling via NHS and despite my health improving (still not great) I just feel like I was hoodwinked by pregnancy 😒
Had I known what was going to happen to me I doubt I’d have done it but I was told by everyone (even GP) that I’d ‘be fine’ and not to ‘overthink’ morning sickness...etc. Then when I was really REALLY unwell (and considering not continuing) I was told constantly it would be better in a week or two... but it never was.

I’ve just felt lied to/misinformed and now worry that I just don’t feel a bond with my baby. 😭

I think it’s ok to admit it (I NEVER thought I’d feel this way- I was desperate to be a mum 😭 but I’m seeking help and that’s what’s important.

You’re brave to admit how you feel OP- but speak to your GP (if you haven’t already) and see if you can get some support/help xx

amijustparanoidorjuststoned

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN THAT YOU DONT WANT.

yes I’m shouting and I’m not sorry. I’m childfree so I hear the secret regrets from friends who have become alcoholic- not a joke - who have wept for years over the ruin of their life. You say you have to satisfy society - you don’t. That’s crazy.

Oh and before anyone accuses me of being OTT

this misery in my circle has got two toddlers being cared for by grandparents and two very young girls at boarding school because neither parent wants them. School holidays are a constant row about who gets to NOT have them.

Another couple couldn’t agree who didn’t get them and made a deal based on money.

Those children can have all the therapy in the world but they’ll always know that they were unwanted.

@autumnrose

I totally agree.

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN THAT YOU DO NOT WANT

@autumnrose me and you are child free. I am mid- thirties. I never felt pressure from society to have children, did you?

@AutumnRose1

@Dissimilitude interesting insights, thank you.

All my friends who have kids speak about how wonderful it is and how much they love having a family - so it’s an eye-opener reading a thread like this. In the real world I think it’s nigh on impossible to admit to these sorts of feelings, unless you want to be severely judged that is. I wonder how many of my friends feel like this in private? Maybe none of them do and genuinely love parenting - I hope so for their sakes. I guess I’ll never know.

Years ago parenting was done within a much more defined and supportive network - when your mum lived two doors down, there were aunties and sisters and sisters in law and cousins dotted all around. Nowadays most families are fractured by the need to move to find work or affordable housing, lots of mums are very isolated when they have their children and unprepared by a lack of experience of others in the geographically close community having babies.

I think isolation and a perceived need to be 'better than the others' comes into play for a lot of women. How many of us who disliked parenting had help with the children from a wider family network?

angell yes, I think there is societal pressure and also a message there’s something wrong with you if you don’t want them. I learned not to mention it at work - when I was young I was stupid and took part in these conversations- I’ve been told I’m a selfish bitch, must be a very uncaring person etc.

angell yes, I think there is societal pressure and also a message there’s something wrong with you if you don’t want them. I learned not to mention it at work - when I was young I was stupid and took part in these conversations- I’ve been told I’m a selfish bitch, must be a very uncaring person etc.

This is true and it was much worse in the 90s when I was ttc. But also more subtle. The message that you were not complete as a woman/human being and could never be totally fulfilled unless you had kids. That if you didn’t want kids you must be lacking in some vital human quality.

The conversations here about the change in parenting have been a really interesting read!
I grew up in the 90s and I remember that feeling at the start of the holidays of sheer freedom. I'd have breakfast and head out all day to play with the local kids and only return for meals. The world seemed like my oyster even though I'd never leave the local area - I'd go on a one week holiday out of six with my grandparents or I'd sometimes go and stay with them. Again just creating my own worlds outside.

There were always neighbours to keep an eye out!

My Mum went through two divorces in my childhood and I felt some neglect. I remember times when she wouldn't get out of bed full stop when I was around 7 or 8 my brother even younger. We just went out and looked after ourselves. Is it wrong yes probably but I suffer from similar mental health too. There's days where I can't get out of bed...if I had a child I would have to get up no two ways about it and I wouldn't leave my child alone because I know it's wrong...but me and my brother didn't really mind at the time!

I Nanny for kids now and the 10 year old has never been outside on her own full stop. She doesn't know any of the local kids to play outside with. The teenagers have to report every minor detail of plans to their parents but aren't allowed out to just hang around with a plan. They dread the holidays unless they're going away as it means sitting inside on their phones bored.

Bit of a rant there...what I'm saying is as other posters have described...parenting is too all encompassing these days.

It’s just such a hard topic to feel strongly one way or the other about.

Prior to having our first me and DH were very ambivalent about having children, neither of us felt very strongly about it but we did it because it felt like it was the next step in life after marriage. We didn’t sit down and talk about it and decided together whenever it was something we actually wanted to do, we just went ahead with it because it felt like it was a rite of passage: marriage and then children.

When the first son was born we said we would just stick with the one and we both meant it, we didn’t have any strong urge for a second.

However, 18 months down the line I got very broody and after about a year of trying to get DH on board we then started trying for a second.

I love my two boys more than I can say, they make me laugh, I love the relationship they have, I feel such a wonderful bond with them and every day I feel so, so thankful that I have them and that we have a lovely family. My DH is an amazing father, he’s very hands on, far more so than most fathers I know and our sons are happy and they know they are loved.

But that doesn’t mean everything is perfect. I don’t regret my children, I love having them in my life, but I still feel sad about how my life has had to change to accommodate them. I feel like I exist for them now, they are at the forefront of every decision I make and their needs always have to come first. Having children pretty much dictates how you live your life from day to day because you don’t have the freedom to do what you want anymore.

Mine and DH’s relationship has also really changed due to having children but we have made a real effort to address that issue and a few months ago we went abroad for 3 days, just the two of us, and it was lovely to reconnect. We have decided to go on an abroad city break every 6 months so that amongst all the drudgery of parenthood we can have some time just to be us again.

We often sit down of an evening, tired and stressed after the hectic routine of dinner, homework, bath, stories and bedtimes and we talk about how we think our life would be if we had stayed childfree and we enjoy basking in that fantasy!!

Overall life is good, I’m lucky to have my sons and a wonderful husband but sometimes I feel like I’m losing myself and exist only for the children. Some days it is so, so, hard when I feel like I’m going to explode because I can’t cope with their arguing, bickering, screeching and refusal to do anything that I ask of them and sometimes they have driven me to tears (behind closed doors) because it all just feels too much.

And then they will do something so unbelievably sweet and loving that all my angst/regret just dissolved and I go back to thinking how much I love them. I find that when I’m on the brink of going crazy, it always helps to go and look at them when they’re sleeping because that’s when they’re at their sweetest!!