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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son’s birthday gift - worried reflection on friendship

153 replies

Hellokitty82 · 28/10/2019 23:27

So maybe I’m over thinking this
Son started school in September his birthday was a week or so ago and we decided to throw him a party.
Decided on 12 friends (min number for party venue) - all 12 coming so far so good.
1 boy (who my son is good friends with) came. We’d met at a playgroup and now they’re at school together. We also meet for play dates.

When it was his birthday I asked his Mum (my friend) what he’d like and she said “he loves paw patrol” and I bought a toy it was £12.99 which I considered ok as they were putting on a party etc etc - and they are good friends.

Then it’s my son’s birthday - she didn’t think to ask (and we see each other daily, have coffee some days, trips to the park, play dates) and she comes to his party with a Poundland special.

My son was a bit like “what’s this mummy” as it wasn’t age appropriate or anything he would be remotely interested in (I’d seen them myself in the poundshop!)

Now I’m not a grabby person at all and I don’t give to receive but AIBU about this?? They are very well off - big house, holiday home, nice cars, so it’s not a financial thing but she’s been quite off with me past couple of weeks since the party and I’m now worried the rubbish gift is a reflection on how she sees our friendship??

What do people think??

OP posts:
highheelsandwitcheshats · 28/10/2019 23:36

I think that you're over thinking it.
£12.99 is higher than average to spend on a school friend, even if you know her from playgroup. I cap mine at around a fiver (but will go up to about £8 if it's the right thing).
I think you're projecting her behaviour onto the gift. It could be that your friendship has run its course and you're not as close as you thought you were. Her financial situation is irrelevant here.
Are your children in Reception?

Original poster
Hellokitty82 · 28/10/2019 23:46

Yes the boys are in reception.

I’m just really shocked by it more than anything because it really was total junk! And it’s so out of character.

I’d say she was a good friend - we’re meant to be at her house for dinner at the weekend so if she thought the friendship had run it’s course it’s very odd inviting us round ( just adults not kids)

My partner is as baffled as I am!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 28/10/2019 23:47

Get your son to write a thank you for the x gift. I would just to push hime the point

Oliphantitus · 28/10/2019 23:49

Could it be a gift that was left over from his ( her son's) party? Maybe she thought it was worth more as she never bought it?

Original poster
Hellokitty82 · 28/10/2019 23:56

Maybe leftover? But I can't see anyone buying this item for a 5 year old boy! It's just really really strange!

OP posts:
RomaineCalm · 28/10/2019 23:58

My experience of reception is that most class parties generate a lot of 'token' gifts generally costing around £5 - maybe a bit more for a 'special' friend. There are so many parties and, even fairly well-off parents don't spend a lot on presents and there's a fair amount of re-gifting.

I wonder if your friend is a bit embarrassed at your generous gift. Is it possible that you inadvertently haven't said thank you to her and she's miffed at your perceived lack of manners? Maybe she's just having a bad week.

I would try to let it go. School friendships are transient enough at this age, eventually the endless parties and presents slow down and it would be a shame to lose a friend over a gift for a 5yr old.

Original poster
Hellokitty82 · 29/10/2019 00:09

RomaineCalm - you're probably right about the token gift thing although having said that he got sole great gifts and other than this randome one we'll be keeping them all.

I agree it would be a shame to ruin a friendship but equally as my partner said earlier it's almost a bit disrespectful buying something so rubbish - I just wouldn't do that to anyone! Let alone someone I considered a good friend.

It's her birthday in 3 weeks we're meant to be going out together so perhaps I'll nip to the poundshop for her - NOT!! I just wouldn't do that!

OP posts:
sunshinekids · 29/10/2019 00:13

What was the gift?

Original poster
Hellokitty82 · 29/10/2019 00:22

I don't want "outing" but more suitable for a toddler Shock

OP posts:
JuniperBeer · 29/10/2019 00:25

Hopefully your son still smiled and said thank you. Teach him that sometimes he might not get what he’s expecting etc

Original poster
Hellokitty82 · 29/10/2019 00:36

He didn't open the presents at his birthday we brought them home but his little face wasn't exactly a picture of joy like it had been with the other gifts. He said "would my little brother like this one Mummy"!
He's extremely polite tho and knows to be grateful.

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 29/10/2019 00:43

How very odd.

Are they living beyond their means? Is she being financially controlled and she has no access to more money?

What will they serve at the dinner party? When was the original invite? Was it before she started being weird? Is it more the men friendship and she's had to be your friend? Is she normally generous?

Could she have wrapped a token gift and thought she'd put money into a card?

So manky questions?

katewhinesalot · 29/10/2019 00:43

Many Grin

Original poster
Hellokitty82 · 29/10/2019 00:48

On the surface they seem quite well off to be honest. She doesn't work and they have their house, a holiday house and 2 others in our area they rent out as they both had houses each before they got together.
2 nice cars not sure if on a PCP or owned and at least 5 holidays a year and away probably every other weekend!!

Dinner party wise we take it in turns every couple of months, she's doing Spanish tapas this time and to be fair is a brilliant cook and host.

No money in his card.

But yes very weird!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellokitty82 · 29/10/2019 00:50

Sorry forgot to add

It's the boys and the mums friendship although my partner and hers get on very well too, and maybe go to the pub once a month or so.
Yes she's very generous ordinarily
The dinner party invite she invited us ages ago because as they go away so often to their holiday cottage she plans things a lot in advance.

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 29/10/2019 00:53

Did he definitely get your present and know it was from you?

Do you know what she's given at other parties?

Original poster
Hellokitty82 · 29/10/2019 00:58

Yes - they definitely got our present and knew we had a thankyou card she'd used an app on her phone and took a photo of him with the paw patrol toy so she definitely knew.

I'm not sure what she gives usually the parties are quite new with them being in reception. She did one while he was in nursery but I just had a family tea party.

Last year she got my son a lovely pair of Gruffalo pyjamas - he was made up with them! All very very odd

OP posts:
MustShowDH · 29/10/2019 00:59

Maybe she forgot and had to grab something she had in a cupboard. She might have seemed a bit 'off' because she's embarrassed.

To be honest I've done a few 'half hour before the party starts dashes to Tesco' presents and it is no reflection on how I value the friendship, my mental health and memory are just a bit shit!

Apileofballyhoo · 29/10/2019 00:59

Maybe she forgot to get a gift and picked up something quickly or rewrapped something she had at home, so as not to go with nothing at all.

MustShowDH · 29/10/2019 00:59

lots of cross posts!

katewhinesalot · 29/10/2019 01:07

I think you'll have to wait and see how she is with you at the dinner party.

Original poster
Hellokitty82 · 29/10/2019 01:17

@katewhinesalot
I think you're right! But she's usually an amazing host
It's just really odd!

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 29/10/2019 01:20

@Hellokitty82 she gave you the wrong present.
A friend of mine did this to me a few years ago, my DS opened it, and the top was plain but had scalloped sleeves - I just knew.... she eventually got in touch to say she’d sent the wrong gift (used same wrapping paper for two separate birthday presents). Took a while for her to realise, as the other recipient’s mom apparently thanked her for the “pjs” and then she got in touch to apologise - was all rather embarrassing for all involved as I didn’t want to raise it with her.

Original poster
Hellokitty82 · 29/10/2019 01:22

@VenusTiger
I'd never thought of that but it's a possibility although the gift had a tag on it and the card sellotaped to it
Unless she was having a bad day??

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 29/10/2019 01:44

@Hellokitty82 yes, so did my DS’ gift - imagine, you’ve bought two gifts for two children, they’re the same size, feel (in my case they would’ve felt the same and in size etc. once wrapped), you wrap them both up in one go because you’ve got the paper and tape out, you write the tags and cards, you answer the phone/get distracted and come back to finish off.
That’s how it happened with my friend - she wrapped both presents at the same time and got them mixed up when attaching the tags.