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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son’s birthday gift - worried reflection on friendship

153 replies

Hellokitty82 · 28/10/2019 23:27

So maybe I’m over thinking this
Son started school in September his birthday was a week or so ago and we decided to throw him a party.
Decided on 12 friends (min number for party venue) - all 12 coming so far so good.
1 boy (who my son is good friends with) came. We’d met at a playgroup and now they’re at school together. We also meet for play dates.

When it was his birthday I asked his Mum (my friend) what he’d like and she said “he loves paw patrol” and I bought a toy it was £12.99 which I considered ok as they were putting on a party etc etc - and they are good friends.

Then it’s my son’s birthday - she didn’t think to ask (and we see each other daily, have coffee some days, trips to the park, play dates) and she comes to his party with a Poundland special.

My son was a bit like “what’s this mummy” as it wasn’t age appropriate or anything he would be remotely interested in (I’d seen them myself in the poundshop!)

Now I’m not a grabby person at all and I don’t give to receive but AIBU about this?? They are very well off - big house, holiday home, nice cars, so it’s not a financial thing but she’s been quite off with me past couple of weeks since the party and I’m now worried the rubbish gift is a reflection on how she sees our friendship??

What do people think??

OP posts:

VenusTiger · 29/10/2019 01:45

Have you mentioned the item when thanking her for it?

OwlBeThere · 29/10/2019 01:49

‘I don’t give to receive’

And yet, you’re annoyed her gift wasn’t as expensive as yours.

I think you’re way over thinking.

WatchingTheMoon · 29/10/2019 01:59

I wouldn't even think about it. Some people aren't good at buying presents, some are skint, some don't care, some don't have time, some just forgot...

Just be happy your son has friends and that they care enough to come to his party. More than some people have.

BasiliskStare · 29/10/2019 03:31

@HelloKitty82

I would just put this down to experience and get Ds to say thank you. It almost does not matter how it has worked out. He says thank you for present , and possibly you don't buy £12 present in future ( unless you want to )

I would take this one on the chin and just do token presents in future - maybe that is what she is going for. I would not take it as a slight.

If you are invited to have a meal with them then they clearly like you or want to spend time with you . Again I would say forget this year' s presents and adjust your spending next time if you think it appropriate. Or take a cheaper bottle of wine - I joke

Won't be the first time , won't be the last

Wish you well @HelloKitty82

Seahorseshoe · 29/10/2019 03:43

I think she'd not been organised enough to get something, maybe something is going on in her life that she's preoccupied with - we all have times like that. Not necessarily huge, but she's focussing on. She may well have forgotten to buy a present, but didn't want her son to turn up empty handed.

I really wouldn't read too much into it.

2tired2function · 29/10/2019 03:45

It's entirely possible that she just forgot to buy your son a present and had to stop on the way over (busy parents, easy to happen!) and has been off because she knows it's rubbish but feels super awkward about bringing it up. I would just move on from it. If there's something wrong in your adult friendship it'll probably become apparent pretty soon.

Dandelion1993 · 29/10/2019 03:47

Your really oberthinking and being a bit grabby to be honest.

Perhaps as it's running up to pay day she didn't have much extra to spend. I never spend more than £5 on some children in DDs class purely because they aren't really good friends with dd.

Piffle11 · 29/10/2019 03:52

Perhaps there is no big mystery: maybe she just doesn’t believe in spending a lot on (other people’s) small children. My DH has a DAunt who lives in a big house, goes on amazing holidays, etc. She often puts on family parties and really goes to town. However… When it comes to presents for our small children, well, they verge on the insulting. It’s as though she has gone to the cheapest shop and bought the cheapest thing there, even if it is completely unsuitable. It got to the point where I actually begrudged sending a thank you card, because the card and stamp was probably as expensive as the gift! I know it is supposed to be about the fact that somebody has thought to buy you a gift, but when someone has clearly given it absolutely no consideration, and is basing their choice on price, then why bother?

Lovemenorca · 29/10/2019 05:02

Now I’m not a grabby person at all

Yes, yes I suspect you are.

BillHadersNewWife · 29/10/2019 05:09

He said Would my little brother like this one Mummy?

Yeah. Ok.

MyOtherProfile · 29/10/2019 05:26

Don't overthink it. Throughout primary my kids had some random presents from people I would have expected to be more on the ball. Sometimes people forget and have to grab something out of the cupboard. Sometimes they genuinely have no idea what to buy. Sometimes they misread what is in the box. I'll never forget my daughter for her 10th birthday getting a book with a cover in the style of Jacqueline Wilson - I read the blurb on the back and it was clearly designed for much older as it was fairly explicit about sexual relationships! I presumed the mum saw the cover and thought that would do.

Scrumptiousbears · 29/10/2019 05:30

I had something similar this year. DD was 3 and my DPs aunt got her a load of stuff for 18 mth old. It was all a bit random. Aunt was a science teacher her so I think her judgment would have been a bit better.

BikeRunSki · 29/10/2019 05:39

I think she forgot to get a present, and grabbed the nearest thing she could find at home.l before the party.

RopeBrick · 29/10/2019 05:49

You are way over invested in the present someone gave your 4 year old! There is no "problem" here, it's just a birthday gift for a child. Not at all a big deal, or worthy of the level of drama you are bringing.

ittakes2 · 29/10/2019 05:51

Some people are just not so good at present buying. I love my best friend dearly and she is so generous with me - would give me the shirt off her back if I needed it. But her present buying is...weird - I have known her for 8 years and during that time I have never worn a scarf but got a scarf for my birthday each year for 3 years! I think of all the presents she has kindly got me each year I have used one.
If you are seeing them for dinner than yes they obviously do like you. I would just overlook this but not make so much effort with next year's present for their child if they don't see present giving as a big thing.

Beautiful3 · 29/10/2019 05:57

Just spend less on hers from now on. Fiver is enough. Its probably a regift.

PearlsBeforeWine · 29/10/2019 05:58

Who cares? There's always a couple of crap presents. Not worth getting in a tizz over..

I normally spent a tenner or under but this weekend had to spend 15 as I wanted a gift card and everything in tesco was newlook etc, nothing a lad would appreciate . Amazon cards only start at 15...its his best friend though, so that alright.

BasiliskStare · 29/10/2019 06:09

Ah honestly I would stop thinking about the price of their house and holiday home, cars etc and maybe just think £13 is a bit much for a present - if you asked her what he liked and she said paw patrol ( my Ds is too old now for me to know what this is ) maybe she just blurted it out as you had asked - I think by and large teeny tots don't much care about the price of presents - just want something to unwrap. I once went with DS to a much better off friend than me, birthday party - the taking home birthday bag cost more than the present we had taken - but all the children were happy.

TheCatInAHat · 29/10/2019 06:26

I doubt it’s about the money if she’s a generous host, she possibly spends more than your gift cost on a bottle of wine. But maybe she just doesn’t place much importance on kids presents- I’ve been surprised a few times by our DCs presents (or even absence of a gift) from good friends who are otherwise generous.

Countrybumpkins · 29/10/2019 06:28

mclover · 29/10/2019 06:33

No I'd be annoyed - DS has a group of closer friends and I always try and get them something more expensive and thoughtful than I would the rest of his class - also because I care more for those children too having watched them grow up since playgroup.

Raindancer411 · 29/10/2019 06:47

Some people are just off. One of my sons friends didn't rsvp. Day before party his mum messages to ask if ok to come. Says of course, I had made up extra party bags.

Turns up, no present nor even a card!! Then he proceeds to eat most of the dinner as if he was never fed and she goes out to vape 🧐

Never invited again. Now heard she does this for most parties!!

AutumnalBliss · 29/10/2019 06:49

I've seen this a million times over. I no longer judge it or worry myself over it. You have your standards and expectations and they have theirs. I've seen very rich people (houses of 2-3 million) spend a pound on a present. The richest ones at my DS's school buy things like a pack of playing cards and wrap it up whilst attending a great party and also bringing their siblings as well.

My DS was once given a plastic bike in a wrapper that looked like it had been won on a hook a duck. We opened it and it instantly collapsed. Another person bought my 6 year old a spiral notepad. It's actually funny. Another bought him 2 table tennis bats but there was no ball. All dead rich and drive massive Range Rovers.

Monsterinmyshoe · 29/10/2019 07:00

They are very well off - big house, holiday home, nice cars, so it’s not a financial thing
From my experience, it's the wealthier families who are the most tight. The kids don't tend to wear high fashion and wear well worn clothes, and aside from after school activities, other things bought for their kids are the budget option. Not that there's anything wrong with this as we are a "buy second-hand first if possible" sort of family too. I guess they are more savvy financially and only spend money where they see fit. I think they may have got it wrong in this case though. I would spend about £4-8 on a present (or give them an activity book with a fiver for their own purchase) and would use what they have given as a measure for future presents. They have probably got the attitude "kids just break everything" so have got something very cheap. I think it was pretty tight, but don't dwell on it. Guzzle their wine at the weekend instead!

You never know, perhaps the child insisted that's what they wanted to get your son without having any concept of cost or quality.

NichyNoo · 29/10/2019 07:22

I buy a job lot of presents when I see things reduced in a sale and keep them in the cupboard then pick one out whenever my kids are invited to a party. I try to spend around £6-8. I work full time and have two kids. If I spent £10 per present and had to actively think and search out a personalised present each time, I would be broke and even more pressed for time. They are kids, they get loads of presents - they really don’t care.

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