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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son’s birthday gift - worried reflection on friendship

153 replies

Hellokitty82 · 28/10/2019 23:27

So maybe I’m over thinking this
Son started school in September his birthday was a week or so ago and we decided to throw him a party.
Decided on 12 friends (min number for party venue) - all 12 coming so far so good.
1 boy (who my son is good friends with) came. We’d met at a playgroup and now they’re at school together. We also meet for play dates.

When it was his birthday I asked his Mum (my friend) what he’d like and she said “he loves paw patrol” and I bought a toy it was £12.99 which I considered ok as they were putting on a party etc etc - and they are good friends.

Then it’s my son’s birthday - she didn’t think to ask (and we see each other daily, have coffee some days, trips to the park, play dates) and she comes to his party with a Poundland special.

My son was a bit like “what’s this mummy” as it wasn’t age appropriate or anything he would be remotely interested in (I’d seen them myself in the poundshop!)

Now I’m not a grabby person at all and I don’t give to receive but AIBU about this?? They are very well off - big house, holiday home, nice cars, so it’s not a financial thing but she’s been quite off with me past couple of weeks since the party and I’m now worried the rubbish gift is a reflection on how she sees our friendship??

What do people think??

OP posts:
MummyofTw0 · 30/10/2019 21:49

I can sympathise however, it’s a little ungrateful of you

Dislocatedeyeballs · 30/10/2019 21:55

Tbh I think you are over thinking a crap cheap present so what? U can't expect people to spend the same amount on your child as you did on theirs its not about the size of their house/car its a friend not their son. There could be a million reasons why they chose that none of them matter

Parsimon · 30/10/2019 22:06

I have to say my dc go to so many class parties that I don’t put a great deal of thought into the gifts. Have a big box in the cupboard of toys and books and will grab something age appropriate, and possibly chuck in a box of sweets. I wouldn’t take it personally OP - once you have several children at school the whole kids party thing will feel more like a conveyor belt to you too.

middlemuddle · 30/10/2019 22:11

She may have forgot and raided her present stash. If that happens to me i just give money. I doubt the present would be a reflection of her thoughts on you, it would be crappy to do that to a kid. You say she has all these things but may well be in debt up to her eyeballs.

My son had a reception bday party earlier this month and had lovely presents but tbh I wouldn't care if he didn't. He had a great time with his friends.

onegiftedgal · 30/10/2019 23:11

I think I see what's going on here op - it's actually the reverse.
Firstly I will state that I believe that up to £10 is more than enough for a child's friend's birthday gift.
You say she is quite well to do, financially sound, so I think that she has considered the gift that you gave to her son as lowly and cheap, she got pissed off and bought your son some cheap crap in return for what she perceives was your lack of a gift.
It sounds nuts but then if she has been off with you since the party then that's all it can be I reckon.

MatildaJane · 30/10/2019 23:50

When my kids were younger I might have reacted more strongly to an incident like this, and taken offence, and maybe started actiing differently towards the friend. But looking back now that my boys are all teenagers, I think the best thing to do is ignore it and put it down to either the boy's mother being absent-minded/busy/thoughtless rather than it being a deliberate slight. Life's too short to take offence at little things lilke that. I think a lot of these sort of issues arise out of thoughtlessness (rather than unkindness) and hopefully you will find that everything settles down. Maybe next time your son's friend has a birthday you could scale back what you spend on his present?

luckylorca · 31/10/2019 02:52

Maybe she didn’t get it at the pound shop and actually paid full price?

Or maybe her child chose what present to give yours from a cupboard full? Lots of parents let their kids choose!

RockinHippy · 31/10/2019 08:47

Massively over thinking & over sensitive. You are going to have to grow a much thicker hide for school, this sort of stuff & worse is par for the course

underground76 · 31/10/2019 09:59

Oh FFS, people just have really different ideas about what makes an OK gift. I have a well-off aunt and uncle who gave us terrible gifts throughout our childhoods - they had kids of their own and they were lovely to us but just not great at present-buying and had completely different views on what was suitable, how much money to spend etc. Don't read anything into it. Maybe she totally forgot to buy a gift and had to grab something from a drawer. Maybe she accidentally labelled the wrong thing. Maybe, despite her big house etc, she is extremely skint this month - even well-off people have cash flow problems. Just forget about it and move on. It's ONE GIFT, not your entire friendship. You're making a massive deal out of nothing.

I’m sorry but I don’t for one minute believe that if you’d bought a thoughtful present for your friend’s dc, if your dc then received, let’s say a plastic £1 recorder, you wouldn’t feel a bit perplexed?

No, I wouldn't feel perplexed at all. I'd just assume they had a different view from mine on what makes a good/appropriate gift and how much money you should spend, and I wouldn't care. Kids haven't got a clue how much things cost anyway. If the kid doesn't like the present then it's not the end of the world since they've got more stuff than they need already and they need to learn that not everything they're given will be exactly what they wanted but they should say a polite thank you anyway.

Keepitjuicyjuicy · 31/10/2019 10:31

Some people are just bad at giving gifts, and you can get a few decent toys/books/ crafty stuff from the poundshop. This is more a reflection of her gift giving- nothing else, so don't take it personally.

Chloe84 · 31/10/2019 10:44

@VenusTiger

she gave you the wrong present.

You really don’t know this. Coupled with her recent demeanour to OP I would guess that the present was deliberate.

VenusTiger · 31/10/2019 17:19

@Chloe84 you really don’t know this well neither do you, it’s a suggestion!
I would guess... see, you’re doing it too 🙄🙄

AfterSchoolWorry · 31/10/2019 17:41

Yanbu.

Hard to believe this is any kind of oversight. Either a message showing contempt or they are tight fuckers.

Chloe84 · 31/10/2019 18:05

@VenusTiger

you really don’t know this well neither do you, it’s a suggestion!
I would guess... see, you’re doing it too 🙄🙄

No, I’m not. I said ‘I would guess. You said it as if it was a fact 🙄🙄

Lovemenorca · 31/10/2019 18:52

It’s odd
The title of the the thread indicates a concern about friendship
The posts indicates a grabby “I spent this and she only spent that” attitude

VenusTiger · 31/10/2019 20:53

@Chloe84 grow up

I said it as a suggestion, because the same thing happened to me recently.
Making suggestions is kind of what we’re here for on MN. OP suggested I could be right. I wasn’t stating any facts. Haven’t you ever tried to guess at anything before.

FelicisNox · 31/10/2019 20:57

I'm so glad my kids are older and I don't have to deal other parents neurosis very often!

It could be anything so just send a thank you card and play it all by ear.

Chloe84 · 01/11/2019 07:29

@VenusTiger Get a grip! I just said you shouldn't state things as a fact, no need to get your knickers in a twist. Yes I said 'I would guess!

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 01/11/2019 10:04

I can guarantee you'll look back on this in 5 years and laugh that you even gave it a passing thought. There are so many birthday parties and birthday gifts during primary school that most people can't remember a few weeks on who bought their kid what (and I'm one of the mean parents who insists we write thank you cards). Some parents spend a fortune on gifts, some spend time buying thoughtful gifts, some always buy tat. The only thing I hate is the plastic waste the presents generate and I'd certainly hate for people to spend an amount of money they can't afford on my child's gift. Other than that the child will usually have more than enough gifts on their birthday and I don't care if people match the amount I spent on their kid.

FishCanFly · 01/11/2019 12:04

A shitty gift is very rude.

nannybeach · 05/11/2019 08:17

waterrat I agree with you. £5 the "done" thing, really. I think it has all got ridiculous, (as is Crhistmas) give money to charity instead!

Bbq1 · 05/11/2019 09:50

You think that's bad? What about this? My ds is now 14 so stopped big group parties in Year 7, that was his last. His friend(which is still his friend now) came to every one of his parties through primary and not once did he bring a card or gift. There was one occasion where we took him to the fair for the day as that was the year that my son wanted just one friend, he still brought nothing. Another year, my son had a cinema and pizza party. The child in question bought a huge bag of sweets with him for HIMSELF but not even a card for my son! The last year I took him and another friend out in year 6, we went to the cinema, amusements and lunch so me and dh spent about £200 on 3 kids. That day the boy had £10 in his pocket for 'spends' but we don't let children we invite out spend a penny, so the £10 went home with him. The couple of parties the boy had we were so tempted to not give him a present but we couldn't do it so my boy always took a card and gift/money. I just don't know how his mum thought it was ok year after year. It clearly wasn't a money issue as the child had money for sweets on one occasion and a tenner on the other! If it was a money issue, She could have even helped her ds make a card or bought a card for 50p...It was just the fact that the child didn't even acknowledge that it was my sons birthday that got to me.They are a large family and I always think how all the children must go to friends parties and never even take so much as a card. Baffling, rude and frankly, odd. Would people have said something to the mum? I never did.

beanaseireann · 05/11/2019 16:57

@Bbq1
You ask if anyone would say anything to the Mum as you never did.
Thats why cf*ckers get away with it. Other people are too nice.

Babybel90 · 05/11/2019 20:14

When DD started getting invited to parties I went with the attitude that all my friends are well off and their kids had tons of toys so I’d just take along a token gift of a £2.99 book or similar, which is what I remember people doing when I was young. If I’d thought any of my friends kids didn’t have much I would’ve bought a more expensive gift. Then DD had her party and every single present must have cost at least £10 and was really good stuff, I felt a bit embarrassed after that. Perhaps she just assumed a small gift was enough.

Crazyladee · 05/11/2019 21:38

In all honesty I would just forget about it and chalk it up to being a bit of a one off mystery.

And its definately not a reflection on your friendship if she's invited you over for Spanish tapas. Imagine how much effort and money she will he putting into entertaining you for the evening.

Surely if she was cooling off the friendship she would have cancelled and made an excuse?