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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son’s birthday gift - worried reflection on friendship

153 replies

Hellokitty82 · 28/10/2019 23:27

So maybe I’m over thinking this
Son started school in September his birthday was a week or so ago and we decided to throw him a party.
Decided on 12 friends (min number for party venue) - all 12 coming so far so good.
1 boy (who my son is good friends with) came. We’d met at a playgroup and now they’re at school together. We also meet for play dates.

When it was his birthday I asked his Mum (my friend) what he’d like and she said “he loves paw patrol” and I bought a toy it was £12.99 which I considered ok as they were putting on a party etc etc - and they are good friends.

Then it’s my son’s birthday - she didn’t think to ask (and we see each other daily, have coffee some days, trips to the park, play dates) and she comes to his party with a Poundland special.

My son was a bit like “what’s this mummy” as it wasn’t age appropriate or anything he would be remotely interested in (I’d seen them myself in the poundshop!)

Now I’m not a grabby person at all and I don’t give to receive but AIBU about this?? They are very well off - big house, holiday home, nice cars, so it’s not a financial thing but she’s been quite off with me past couple of weeks since the party and I’m now worried the rubbish gift is a reflection on how she sees our friendship??

What do people think??

OP posts:
Sportsnight · 29/10/2019 09:18

It’s kind of crazy to be thinking this deeply about it. I don’t think I’d notice, much less care. My children have too many toys already, they don’t need 12 new toys from friends at a party. So much waste, so much plastic!

Horrible to think some parents are so judgy about what they receive from friends at that age though. The idea that you need to send a crappy gift next year as retribution is baffling.

If I were her and I had any inkling this was your thought process I’d be distancing myself too!

HiJenny35 · 29/10/2019 09:24

That you spent £12 is irrelevant, if you wanted the £12 back you shouldn't have given it, you don't give in the anticipation to later get the equal sum back. As for "my sons face did light up" oh please, we invite the whole class, some arrive with presents, some none, some something great, some something unique the child has selected. If you want to get a certain type of present don't hold a party and spend money on the gifts you want. It's very grabby to expect a certain type of cost of present. So what if she has two homes and many holidays and doesn't work, their perceived wealth is none of your buisness. She got the present, you don't like it, throw it away or pass it on, dont make this about her wealth, your previous gifts or her hosting you sound very expecting of her.

AmIThough · 29/10/2019 09:28

I wonder if she'd been busy and a relative had asked if she needs anything from the shop and she asked them to get a gift?

Or, as there are about a million parties for kids that age, she's just bought loads of the same from Poundland because it works out really expensive if you start buying thoughtful gifts for each child?

Daisy7654 · 29/10/2019 09:45

Most people only pay around £5 for a school friend party unless theyre close friends. It's the done thing. Millionaires included. (Also, rich people are rich because they don't waste money 😃).

People go to a lot of these school kids parties. You're just new to the system!

(If I had 8 parties for DC in one month @ 12.99 each, that would be £104!).

northerngirl2012 · 29/10/2019 09:49

Yes, £5 gift in future, or buy presents in sale & add to your own stock as we did.

RedskyToNight · 29/10/2019 09:54

If you don't give to receive then the value of the present shouldn't bother you.

I cant' imagine a 5 year old being anything other than pleased at a new toy, even if it was aimed at a slightly younger child (and at this age, lots of children still play with their pre-school toys). After all DC get super excited by the cheap tat that goes in party bags. I also can't imagine a 5 year old suggesting his present should be given to a younger sibling. I suspect your 5 year old is picking up on your thoughts - or maybe you are projecting yours on him?
I don't know what Paw Patrol is either and thought it was for younger children - so perhaps your son's friends likes "younger" things and mum picked up something she knew her son would like expecting yours to have similar tastes?

AutumnalBliss · 29/10/2019 12:30

I just remembered another one Grin. Another, really good friend of mine (who is loaded, think banker and worth millions) is tighter than a gnats chuffer. She once gave my eldest a jogs from the Early Learning Centre that was out of the wrapper and when we did the jigsaw there was a piece missing. LOL

As a parent of older DC I want to give you a bit of wise advice. Don't throw expensive parties. Instead offer your DC a bribe not to have one.
Secondly, don't go to everyones party. Only go to close friends and buy them a half decent present. Who wants to spend your weekend hanging to at parties talking to the parents anyway?

AutumnalBliss · 29/10/2019 12:30

jigsaw, not jog

MissPepper8 · 29/10/2019 14:04

Think is a bit weird, she knows his age as her son is the same age too so it's no excuse.

I have a friend who always regifts us.. Stuff that I've seen in their house, wearing, using. Or the excuse they forgot to bring said gift. I don't mind if they didn't get anything, just don't make a big point that you forgot it.

OnceFreshFish · 29/10/2019 14:40

I know one or two people who despite being well off always give awful, cheap gifts. (I have no problem with cheap gifts but would much rather a second hand book or a cheap colouring pad than some plastic tat that is clearly not age appropriate). I wouldn't take it personally - you'll just get used to receiving crap from them.

OnceFreshFish · 29/10/2019 14:42

I disagree with not going to parties (assuming your DC wants to go and it doesn't clash with a better engagement). In reception friendships are very changeable so it's not a good idea to assume their close friends now will remain so and most kids enjoy the big parties at that age and talk about them at school. As they get older they tend to have smaller parties anyway so it's less of an issue.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/10/2019 14:48

You are massively overthinking this.

It's a kid''s birthday present. Once which he will probably have already forgotten about.

Maybe she refitted it, maybe she bought it at the last minute.

It really doesn't matter.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/10/2019 14:49

Re-gifted sorry

ThatMuppetShow · 29/10/2019 14:58

YABU because of your judgement of her financial position -which you know nothing about and simply because you are overthinking it.

Around here presents are around £10 -£15 each, what on earth can you buy for a fiver these days that is semi decent Shock

Some people are just tight though, and a lot of MNetters especially.
I'd let that one go, who cares. It only get embarrassing when the party bags is a lot more valuable than the gift you bring, but I take that as the host being very generous.

MissPepper8 · 29/10/2019 15:06

I mean these comments, ok 12 quid might be ab expense for some but she bought him an age inappropriate gift from a poundstore. You can get 2 books for a fiver in the works.

I think it's more the thought behind the gift, I've never gone on price comparing just the thoughtfulness and if you can't afford one then it's OK not to bring one.

BasiliskStare · 29/10/2019 19:03

I remember a thread on here where a poster said she did not have much money to spare and would a box of maltesers be OK. Well allergies aside the answer was very much yes. My DH is 58 and in a full time job and would welcome a box of Maltesers. Age inappropriate - different , but I have to admit when my DS was young and had lots of people to a birthday party I would scoop up duplicate presents and shove them to one side to re gift. It's not just the money it's that ending up with a whole load of stuff not cared about once the wrapping is off is vaguely depressing ( though I do appreciate I was just passing the problem on) Once older then there are things which children yearn for ( in DS's case it was a small yellow plastic digger. ) when young I am not so sure they care. But only my opinion.

OP did your son care as much about the present as you did - I can see you may be a little miffed but over a long term friendship - very often ( not always) things even themselves out

Hope he had a lovely birthday

Swatsup · 29/10/2019 19:13

Was it her who chose the present?? Or could it have been left to her husband/partner/nanny or just a last minute rush to find something suitable.

Kanga83 · 29/10/2019 19:25

With nursery, reception and part of year 1 it does tend to be whole class parties though and the costs adds up. What I spend now on my daughters close friends in year 2 is very different to the fluid friendships of the foundation years where everyone got a book in the 10 for £10 The Works deal. This is irrespective of what people did or did not buy my daughter for her whole class party.I think you are overthinking it.

endlessstrife · 30/10/2019 17:49

I don’t feel this is about the present, ( or lack of it ), but more to do with your friendship. I think you should ask her if everything is all right, as she doesn’t seem to be the same at the moment. She may surprise you, it might be something you’d never have thought of. Talk to her.. 🤗

bridgetreilly · 30/10/2019 17:56

You are massively overthinking the present. Just let it go.

B9ddy · 30/10/2019 17:57

"I am not a grabby person, but..."
Teach your son to just say thank you and be grateful for a friendship

RuffleCrow · 30/10/2019 18:03

You do sound grabby tbh. I've never really stopped and analysed the toys my child receives at birthday parties. Some people don't even remember at all ime. It's a cheaper bit of plastic tat than you were expecting - who cares? It all ends up lost or broken within a few weeks anyway.

People, not things, op.

MinTheMinx · 30/10/2019 18:14

They are very well off - big house, holiday home, nice cars

Why do people always equate material possessions with being well off? All of these things could've been bought on credit. Beside which it's none of anyone's business.

OP Teach your child to be grateful for all presents and stop overthinking! You obviously are fairly money-focused (going by what you've said in your original post) but you're reading far too much into something that just doesn't matter too much. Some people just don't have the time to spend hours browsing for thoughtful gifts.

waterrat · 30/10/2019 18:24

These posts make me sad. A kids party is the child can have a nice time. It should not be about gifts. I try my hardest to tell my kids it doesn't matter if someone hasn't brought them something and I would be appalled if they expressed even the slightest disappointment with a gift from another child.

We have all had off days as a parent and I have run a lot of kids parties - usually a couple of people say so sorry we forgot the gift. Very normal and I'm always amazed at the fuss on these threads.

Can't believe someone remembering a 5 yr old not bringing a gift to a party and th kids are now adults.

PinkpompomDaisy · 30/10/2019 18:31

I know one mum, affluent, who doesn’t accept party invitations for their child, as she doesn’t want to waste her money on presents, and prefers to spend it on holidays.

Older child once received £5 note as a present from another affluent set of parents, I was quite surprised, not even a birthday card.

However you don’t know what people’s real circumstances are.

Put it behind you OP, and don’t be generous next time.