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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son’s birthday gift - worried reflection on friendship

153 replies

Hellokitty82 · 28/10/2019 23:27

So maybe I’m over thinking this
Son started school in September his birthday was a week or so ago and we decided to throw him a party.
Decided on 12 friends (min number for party venue) - all 12 coming so far so good.
1 boy (who my son is good friends with) came. We’d met at a playgroup and now they’re at school together. We also meet for play dates.

When it was his birthday I asked his Mum (my friend) what he’d like and she said “he loves paw patrol” and I bought a toy it was £12.99 which I considered ok as they were putting on a party etc etc - and they are good friends.

Then it’s my son’s birthday - she didn’t think to ask (and we see each other daily, have coffee some days, trips to the park, play dates) and she comes to his party with a Poundland special.

My son was a bit like “what’s this mummy” as it wasn’t age appropriate or anything he would be remotely interested in (I’d seen them myself in the poundshop!)

Now I’m not a grabby person at all and I don’t give to receive but AIBU about this?? They are very well off - big house, holiday home, nice cars, so it’s not a financial thing but she’s been quite off with me past couple of weeks since the party and I’m now worried the rubbish gift is a reflection on how she sees our friendship??

What do people think??

OP posts:
IAmPrettyWisdomous · 30/10/2019 18:38

He said "would my little brother like this one Mummy"

And then the camera crew from DM arrived to take his photo with the gift. Sad faces all round. Mum can get in on the action too holding up the £12.99 toy she had originally purchased.
Your poor child, he's just so innocent and kind, how could someone gift him something like this?! (I find it interesting you don't say what the item is exactly..)

Perhaps teach your child to be grateful for the gifts his friends have given him. I am surprised you are thinking so much into things all because you happened to spend £12.99 on a gift. Something you yourself could have purchased in a sale for £5 or less. Furthermore, the fact you think this reflects on the relationship is pathetic. By your own admission these people have been very nice to you and whether they are well off or not is none of your business.

If you feel it reflects so badly, don't attend the dinner and enjoy their hosting. Hmm

SweetMarmalade · 30/10/2019 18:40

I don’t think the OP sounds grabby, she’s just puzzled and a bit hurt that there seems no thought or effort gone into her ds’s not age appropriate present!

I don’t believe it’s the cost of the item but just the total lack of shiny fucks given. That’s my take on it anyway. Plus they’re good friends, not a random school gate Mum she doesn’t know that well. You can still be cheap thoughtful presents, cost isn’t really the issue here.

Do as your friends does and Send a picture of your Ds with said gift, thanking her (I’d be tempted to ask him to raise an eyebrow but then that would just be childish HmmWink - joke!). There could be a number of reasons why, you might never know.

See how she is at your dinner party.

ButtercupGirI · 30/10/2019 18:41

Two of DS's best friend's mums are like this since reception year, never an issue for us, we spent £6-10 for their gifts, they get stuff from Poundland), their priority is different, they are 13 now, still same group of best friends.

MerryMarigold · 30/10/2019 18:42

A. She could have forgotten about the party until it was upon her and had to grab something from the Regift Drawer.

B. She's very passive aggressive and this is her way of letting you know your friendship has run its course (if so, you're well rid!)

C. She's just not into giving expensive items (unlikely if previous year she got him Gruffalo PJ's)

D. There is an issue between the children which you don't know about eg. your son has not been kind to hers/ told tales to teacher or whatever

Jack80 · 30/10/2019 18:44

It's a gift, granted a fiver in a card would have been better, never mind, see if she's off at the weekend

SpiderCharlotte · 30/10/2019 19:06

Now I’m not a grabby person at all and I don’t give to receive but AIBU about this??

I'm afraid it sounds like you are, I think you do and yes you are.

SweetMarmalade · 30/10/2019 19:12

I’m sorry but I don’t for one minute believe that if you’d bought a thoughtful present for your friend’s dc, if your dc then received, let’s say a plastic £1 recorder, you wouldn’t feel a bit perplexed?

OnceFreshFish · 30/10/2019 19:27

@SweetMarmalade
I wouldn't feel at all perplexed. The other mum might just be a bit more experienced at the party scene and realise that it's stupid to spend £15 on children's toys for every party you're invited to when the toy might end up being a duplicate or just added to the general pile. Most people barely remember what each person gave after they've finished the thank you notes. No normal person expects the same valued gift for kids.

I do hate clearly wasteful plastic crap though!

SweetMarmalade · 30/10/2019 19:31

But it’s not the normal ‘mum’s gate’ party present (if there is such a thing) it’s from a friend and that’s the reason for the post, does this present reflect the friendship.

I think you’d have to be pretty thick skinned and not completely honest, if you said that £1 tat present given to your child by a friend really didn’t hurt a little? As I’ve mentioned, you can buy cheap meaningful presents.

IAmPrettyWisdomous · 30/10/2019 19:33

All those saying it's only a pound, unless the OP says what the item is, it could be more than a pound as there are many items in big chains and smaller pound stores that cost more.

SweetMarmalade · 30/10/2019 19:37

It’s not just that it was from a Poundshop, it’s the fact it was completely age inappropriate, suitable for a younger dc. Therefore it really does look like it was an afterthought, or something she’s recycled.

namechange4052 · 30/10/2019 19:42

How has this preoccupied your thoughts to such an extent that you have started a whole thread about it? You actually sound really precious and hard work. It's a gift for a kid's party, nobody (that I know, at least) puts a great deal of thought into them. Your child had a party, presents from you, and a pile of presents from his mates and you are wringing your hands over one of the presents not being up to scratch? You must not have much else to think about.

Villageidiots · 30/10/2019 19:52

You sound very 'grabby'. It wouldn't have occurred to me to analyse the value of DS's birthday gifts.......

EmbarrassedMum1 · 30/10/2019 20:00

Just because they have a big house and now cars doesn't mean they're swimming in money. I could all be on credit and they could be really struggling financially.

Your over thinking it.

kennycat · 30/10/2019 20:00

Personally I get really worried about giving presents. I tie myself in knots about getting something they like/parents approve of/haven’t already got/is age appropriate. In the end I veer towards not spending very much because then I’m not so worried I’ve forked out loads if it’s not their cup of tea.
I realise this may not be normal but may add another perspective

MutedUser · 30/10/2019 20:02

You say you don’t give to receive but you clearly do as you are belittling what she bought as a Poundland special. If the thought that counts. People who live in big houses have big mortgages maybe they are struggling . Maybe you are petty.

longestlurkerever · 30/10/2019 20:10

This is the second gift thread today that
I just don't get. I just cannot fathom putting this amount of thought in. Perhaps there was some sort of mix up, perhaps she's tight, perhaps she hasn't got the party etiquette and thought £1 was about the right amount to spend (it can be just as awkward to receive flash gifts and she msy have misjudged), perhaps she genuinely thought your ds would like it, the point is that subjecting any gift to this level of scrutiny, speculating on what it means about the nature of your relationship and her income and so on just strikes me as far ruder than any wrong gift could ever be.

But i think the truth is some people just place more weight on gifts than others. Your friend probably doesn't set much store by them and so you shouldn't take her gift buying personally.

MuchBetterNow · 30/10/2019 20:22

I get you op and I can't be bothered with all these "you sound grabby/you don't give to receive/I wouldn't even notice" responses, I think most of them are disingenuous.

I was the last in a friend group to have dc, everyone else had 2 when I had dd. I had spent a lot of money and thought on several years worth of birthday and Christmas gifts for a woman in the groups dc, stuff like Osh Kosh and designer brands. For dd's first Christmas she gave her a crappy plastic pram toy that I'm fairly sure was used. She was always pretty tight and petty over money despite being much better off than me and that just made me question the friendship.

Her eldest ds was a January birthday, I still got him a gift but massively cut back on cost and thought, she was visibly put out by it. Some people just take us for mugs I'm afraid.

Fowles94 · 30/10/2019 20:24

I wouldn't even have spent 5 minutes thinking about it. I don't give to receive and would of just been grateful they came to the party.

sniffingthewax · 30/10/2019 20:29

Ok you're shocked at the gift, fair enough, but to be sad that your ds' face 'didn't light up with joy like the other presents...' is being very precious and over thinking a birthday present.

longestlurkerever · 30/10/2019 20:37

I am honestly not being disingenuous in saying i cant imagine noticing. But i do recognise that other people may feel differently so try not to give awful gifts. Perhaps this woman doesn't realise that other people feel differently is all - doesn't make her the devil.

Bilngismything · 30/10/2019 20:39

Take a bottle of Lambrini to the Dinner Party to reciprocate.

MuchBetterNow · 30/10/2019 20:41

...or Buckfast...

Jillyhilly · 30/10/2019 20:54

This is the weirdest thread. Kind of sad and funny at the same time. Is this your only kid? Have you never forgotten a birthday party and grabbed something last minute in a panic? Why does it matter? How do you have the time to sit around examining all the presents your son got and wondering why someone didn’t buy him something better?

FaveNumberIs2 · 30/10/2019 21:41

Sorry but you sound rather judgy.

Having a big house and flashy car doesn't mean the woman has disposable cash, and just because you're forward thinking and have time to shop for a "suitable" gift, doesn't mean she does.

Most friendships made through children at school will not last more than five years, and most are with people you wouldn't be friends with if it wasn't for your kids being in the same school.

So stop overthinking, stop judging, and just teach your child to be graciously grateful.

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