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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son’s birthday gift - worried reflection on friendship

153 replies

Hellokitty82 · 28/10/2019 23:27

So maybe I’m over thinking this
Son started school in September his birthday was a week or so ago and we decided to throw him a party.
Decided on 12 friends (min number for party venue) - all 12 coming so far so good.
1 boy (who my son is good friends with) came. We’d met at a playgroup and now they’re at school together. We also meet for play dates.

When it was his birthday I asked his Mum (my friend) what he’d like and she said “he loves paw patrol” and I bought a toy it was £12.99 which I considered ok as they were putting on a party etc etc - and they are good friends.

Then it’s my son’s birthday - she didn’t think to ask (and we see each other daily, have coffee some days, trips to the park, play dates) and she comes to his party with a Poundland special.

My son was a bit like “what’s this mummy” as it wasn’t age appropriate or anything he would be remotely interested in (I’d seen them myself in the poundshop!)

Now I’m not a grabby person at all and I don’t give to receive but AIBU about this?? They are very well off - big house, holiday home, nice cars, so it’s not a financial thing but she’s been quite off with me past couple of weeks since the party and I’m now worried the rubbish gift is a reflection on how she sees our friendship??

What do people think??

OP posts:
NewName73 · 29/10/2019 07:34

YABU to think that "well off" families are more likely to spend money on a kid's birthday present.

Actually, we don't - we regift, recycle and take the view that most kids' birthday presents aren't going to be played with for more than a couple of weeks anyway, before ending up in landfill eventually.

Because we're not as materialistic as you might think, just because we have a nice house, cars & a holiday home.

Isleepinahedgefund · 29/10/2019 07:35

When we were on the birthday party circuit in reception I used to buy the cheapest decent stuff I could find - actually in Poundland I used to find all sorts of proper branded stuff that was obviously end of the line job lot but was really decent. And I didn’t differentiate between the kids my child was best friends with, or whose parents I was best friends with.

I really can’t believe you are dwelling on this to be honest. The fact that you asked and chose to spend £££ on a present doesn’t obligate her to do the same. The fact that you use this as a measure of how much she likes you is odd - although maybe this is the kind of thing you would do yourself to someone else, therefore you judge by you your own standards.

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 29/10/2019 07:39

The wealthiest folk i know are also the least generous. It'd be an obvious second hand Birthday present for her DC next year; a ball the dog has chewed bits off, limbless Barbie or some such.

nannybeach · 29/10/2019 07:40

When my DGKs were a little younger, maybe 5 I was shocked that at Birthday Parties the present they were given were in a £20 to £50 range, then my DD who was a single P (on benefits) at the time is exected to fork out a similar amount. I was brought up to believe it was the thought that counts.

Lemonademouth · 29/10/2019 07:40

A very creative but not particularly convincing post.

Absoluteunit · 29/10/2019 07:47

I bet she forgot and just grabbed the first thing she saw in a shop and wrapped it. Or maybe asked her husband to buy something. I could see my OH leaving it until the last second and doing something like that. Either that or gifts have been wrapped and labelled incorrectly and it was for someone else

Molly2010 · 29/10/2019 07:51

It’s weird because the gift last year was nice PJs. This would suggest she’s not one of those people who are just tight when it comes to buying gifts for other people.
Send the thank you card and just review how much you spend on her child next year.
I have a friend who is super tight when buying my children gifts. I thought she might change once she had her own DC. Nope. She still spends the bare minimum. Her gifts are embarrassing. For everyone concerned. Maybe your friend is being funny now because she is embarrassed.

Booboooo · 29/10/2019 07:58

Not to hijack the thread but is a fiver in a card acceptable for a 6 year old?

Tractorgirlz · 29/10/2019 08:05

My DS is only 17 months but I won’t be spending big money on gifts for anyone in the future. They will get token gifts even though I drive a Range Rover, am a SAHM and we go on holiday a few times a year. Perhaps she’s encouraging you to start buying token gifts instead of competing for the most expensive gift each year. Children grow out of toys so quickly and they have so much stuff nowadays. It’s not actually necessary and very wasteful. We should be more aware of the environmental impact by now. I don’t buy big gifts but I also don’t expect big gifts.

tempester28 · 29/10/2019 08:05

Any chance this was an unopened gift her son received, so she did not know what was in it ? but presumed suitable for your son as was given to her same aged son. She may now be embarrassed? so being off.

I would forget about it though. Just continue as normal if you enjoy the friendship otherwise.

Original poster
Hellokitty82 · 29/10/2019 08:06

Mixed bag of responses!

Yes I'd say a fiver in a card is ok, I'd maybe wrap up some little sweets too just to put with it aswell perhaps justso they had a little something to open.

OP posts:
beingchampion · 29/10/2019 08:07

Not to hijack the thread but is a fiver in a card acceptable for a 6 year old?

Totally.

Footiefan2019 · 29/10/2019 08:11

The wealthier people are the less they spend on things like gifts for other people’s kids etc

SingaporeSlinky · 29/10/2019 08:15

Every suggested explanation is so over the top in reply.
Maybe money is an issue - no, gift-giver owns 4 houses AND 5 holidays a year.
Maybe wrong present - no, had both a gift tag AND a card taped to it.
Maybe she didn’t receive your gift - no, she thanked me AND sent a photo.

Just send her a message “thank you for DS’s baby rattle” and think no more about it. There’s always one duff gift. You’ll know for next year.

Grandmi · 29/10/2019 08:27

I think people are missing the point here . Thoughtless present v thoughtful present . Yes as the Mum I would be offended if it was from a good friend ! The cost could be significant if its from a friend who is normally more generous. It’s not being grabby just rather bewildering. Having said that , I also cannot stand the competitive behaviour of a lot of parents trying to be bigger and better with everything !!

Soontobe60 · 29/10/2019 08:39

I'm sorry OP but you sound a bit grabby. The fact that you spent more than most others would on a gift for her DS, and that she's possibly well off doesn't mean she should spend lots on a gift for your DS. Yes, maybe the gift isn't age appropriate, but that's not what you're complaining about really is it.

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2019 08:40

She probably just completely forgot to buy the gift and just re-gifted that, rather than turn up empty handed.

I wouldn't worry about it to be honest. It'd be worse if she forgot all about the party.

beanaseireann · 29/10/2019 08:41

At DD1"s 5th birthday her friend came with no present. I thought it a bit odd, all the others brought a little gift. The parents were very well off but I put it down to her Mum being very busy running a business.
Fast forward mamy years later and DD1 is still friends with said girl and is going to be her bridesmaid in a few weeks.
The friendship survived. Smile

I've also since found out the parents are a bit tight.

Mumofone1962 · 29/10/2019 08:47

Maybe the son wanted to buy it with his own money? Or they are trying to teach him the value of money by buying gifts from his own money?

There could be lots of reasons but no point losing a good mum friend becuase you spent £11 more on a gift.

Write a specific thank you and if it was the wrong gift they will say, otherwise let it go.

5starshow · 29/10/2019 08:51

I wouldn’t care actually.
DS once received a well read book (with previous owners name written inside) obviously just grabbed from home and wrapped. It didn’t matter. Who knows what pressures, financial, emotional, time or otherwise people may be under. The house, the cars, the holidays are not indicative of anything.
If DCs are good friends, you like the child’s mother and there have been no other signs of ‘dodginess’, then I would forget about it.

Dillydallyalltheway · 29/10/2019 08:59

Is there a chance that she sent dad out to get a pressie, I know from experience, in the past I’ve asked hubby to get something in his lunch break and he’s brought some shocking things home.

INeedNewShoes · 29/10/2019 09:05

I think you're massively overthinking this. If it's a one off in being slightly less thoughtful then see it in the context of her making a big effort to host nice dinner parties, giving a great present to your DS last year etc.

Just let this go!

reefedsail · 29/10/2019 09:10

Do you think she might be pissed off at the present you bought and is making a point?

You paid £13 for the PP toy, but maybe she's seen something very similar on a market stall or something for £3.99 and thinks YOU were tight after she bought nice PJs.

Wheredidigowrongggggg · 29/10/2019 09:10

Overthinking. Does it really matter? 12 kids,12 gifts, she probably thought to keep it low key so as not to overwhelm?

sansou · 29/10/2019 09:15

It was probably a regift - there are usually plenty of reception parties and lots of random gift giving. Saying all that, if this is an extremely close personal friend, I can understand you being slightly bemused. Take it as a lesson - make less effort when it’s your turn to reciprocate. Primary school aged parties - usual gift spend was £5 - £10. It gets more expensive at secondary school age but it’s usually counterbalanced by far fewer parties.