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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not fly to NZ for friend's wedding?

226 replies

babybrain77 · 28/10/2019 22:32

Very close friend from school has met and is marrying a man from New Zealand. She has lived there for a couple of years and wedding is set for January 2020.

I have a DS who will be 10 months old at the time of the wedding. DH is a teacher so cannot attend as it's during term time. I have said that I won't be able to go as I don't want to be so far away from DS and don't want to take him with me to get discombobulated by time zones and temperature changes for a really short trip.

Friend says I'm selfish and that I should leave DS with DH. I can afford the flights although it would probably mean no big family holiday with DH and DS. DH would be fine alone with DS for 5 days - he has spent a lot of time with him over summer holidays whilst I've been back at work. Other close friends agree with friend getting married, that IABU missing the wedding when DS won't even remember me being gone.

I'm now starting to doubt myself and am feeling like a crap friend. She flew to the UK for my wedding last year and she won't have a lot of friends or family going over to NZ. I think I am struggling with the idea of being the other side of the planet from DS, rather than the time away (I would literally fly there for the wedding and come back the next day).

AIBU to want to stay home?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/10/2019 17:29

Surely when friend came to the UK for your wedding she also visited other friends and family?

You going to NZ what else are you going to do there with or without your baby?

MintyMabel · 29/10/2019 19:07

Not unreasonable given your one trip would mean your family doesn’t get a holiday.

I wouldn’t drag halfway across the world for what is essentially a party night.

DistanceCall · 29/10/2019 19:11

I have no children. There's no way on earth I would use up my holiday time going to a wedding on the other side of the world (unless I could somehow manage to fit it into my own holiday with my partner, which is not the case here).

autumnmum · 29/10/2019 19:14

I lived in NZ for years, have done the flight with an 8m.o. and think you would be nuts doing it. The jet lag alone would put me off. We missed loads of weddings when we lived in NZ, including my best friends. Nobody expected us to come to them (or if they did they never said). If you choose to live the other side of the world this is the reality.

mbosnz · 29/10/2019 19:17

There are some non-negotiable events I will drop everything for, and fly to NZ. They're not weddings. They're all funerals. . .

Gennz18 · 29/10/2019 19:17

@babybrain77 we had our wedding in early January for exactly that reason - Kiwis were on holiday anyway and visitors could tack it on to a Christmas holiday. Can’t believe your friend disregarded that! Kiwis are perfectly willing to attend a party(e.g. wedding) during summer holidays! Almost everyone I know has wedding anniversaries within 2 weeks of each other for that reason. 😂

mbosnz · 29/10/2019 19:20

I had friends that had their wedding New Years Eve! (In NZ obviously).

Kanga83 · 29/10/2019 19:20

I would simply email 'I would really love to be there, however it is just impossible. It's a huge ask to leave DS which I'm not prepared to do, and neither can I justify the flight with him myself. I'm sure you understand, no doubt other guests will have the same predicament'

Pantsomime · 30/10/2019 18:12

OP DS will be fine either at home or flying with you. To me it would be £ lost for family holiday and if I wanted to Do it. Either way it doesn’t sound relaxing for you- wondering what’s going on if you leave him and also wondering what’s going On at the wedding if you take him as you will be (rightly) wrapped up in his needs not drinking and laughing the night away catching up till dawn. All you can do is go with your gut and what your DH thinks as it affects him re childcare and Family hols

Middersweekly · 30/10/2019 18:16

YANBU- it is the other side of the world! Flights are costly (not to mention you would need accommodation most likely). If you took your 10 month old on a long haul flight on your own I very much doubt the experience would be joyful! Your DH is working by the sound of it so won’t be able to look after DS. I would just send her a wedding gift! I doubt she will have many takers for her wedding from the UK!

lastqueenofscotland · 30/10/2019 18:16

YANBU
I have no children so it’s not like non parents are emotionally stunted idiots

I went to a wedding in California a couple of years ago, the couple had many friends in France and the UK of which about 3 (inc myself) could attend. They knew this would be the case and most guests would be friends they’d made since living in the states.
They were not arses about it.

Cam77 · 30/10/2019 18:38

I have experienced something like this myself with a good friends wedding in NZ. In my case I literally didn’t have the money, but I still regret it to this day (it happened about ten years ago) and its made our friendship awkward and more distant (emotionally) ever since. Though my friend never blamed me or put any pressure on, it was still awful to miss such a massive day in his life.

I think your friend is a bit out of order to call you selfish. But still, it’s an emotional time. Why can’t you just apologize for missing the wedding (baby has to come first, and husband is working) but go over for a trip as a whole family, say next summer? It shows you care and are willing to sacrifice a lot of time and money for the friendship - presuming you think the friendship is worth it.

bluebeck · 30/10/2019 18:41

YANBU

She sounds like a bridezilla.

Stick to your guns, take a step back, and hopefully at some point she will see how unfair she is being.

Jack80 · 30/10/2019 18:47

You could say maybe you could video call a family member on the wedding day and be there watching just not in person and maybe visit in the future for a holiday, I wouldn't want to miss a family holiday over a friends wedding

lola006 · 30/10/2019 18:50

I’ve been watching this thread. I’m an expat, as is DH. I’ve been home (Canada) for 2 weddings (DB and BFF’s). DH has been home (Oz) for more. Each time he makes a trip of it, sees friends and family and it’s worth it because of that. On the wedding day, unless you’re IN the wedding party, the bride & groom will give you a big hug, thank you for coming and maybe you’ll get a 5min chat at some point. That’s it. So the whole trip really has to be worth it. It would be different if this could somehow be a family holiday (I have RTFT and know it’s isn’t!).

She’s calling you selfish but does she anticipate you two spending a large amount of time together the day before or after the wedding (since that’s not a stressful time /sarcasm)? You’ll fly all the way there to say you went and be in a photo or two. DS is a non factor here, the money and time required for the couple if minutes she’s likely to have for you is what you need to think about. Personally, those are the weddings I miss out on and say no to.

Pringlesfortea · 30/10/2019 18:50

It’s an invite not a summons,you don’t have to go

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 30/10/2019 19:01

YANBU.

The distance does matter. If anything happened and you needed to get home for your DS, it's literally days and days to get back home.

Also your DS might be fine now at 6/7months but by 10m separation anxiety will be seriously kicking in and it could be incredibly scary and upsetting if you disappear for 5 days.

deedeegee · 30/10/2019 19:01

YANBU - your friend is! Your money, your DS, your DH, your logistical dilemma but your choice

gottogonow · 30/10/2019 19:07

On a smaller scale I attended a close friends wedding in England which said no children, and was breast feeding. It was extremely difficult and my baby had cried for long time before we arrived back home after a long journey and hadn’t taken what I expressed. She didn’t have children at the time so didn’t understand but years later appreciated it when she had her own. Trust your instincts OP.

Sara107 · 30/10/2019 19:37

Different for her coming to your wedding- she presumably took the opportunity to visit family and other friends while she was back in the UK. However, you would be going only for her wedding, not even getting an enjoyable holiday at the same time. If it’s important to her to have lots of family and friends at her wedding why isn’t she getting married in the UK? The old fashioned convention was that the wedding was always at the brides home place.

mbosnz · 30/10/2019 19:40

The reality of living on a lovely little pimple on the arsehole of the world as I lovingly call my beloved homeland, is that people from the other side are loathe to make the journey, and understandably so. And particularly with little ones. She's just going to have to come to grips with that.

OooErMissus · 30/10/2019 19:44

Any reason she didn't have her wedding back in the UK, as is usual for the bride?! Especially if she's, as you say, a little self-centred. Wink

I was living in the UK when DH and I got married. We travelled to NZ for the wedding, as he wanted me to have it in my home country/town.

We had lots of people travel to join us, but also some Mums who just weren't able to make it. Of course they weren't - and I was the first to understand that. Well, we both were.

Just wanted to pick up on this comment, though...

You going to NZ what else are you going to do there with or without your baby?

Most people travelling to NZ for a holiday don't go because they have family there. They come because there's so much to see and do, especially in summer! ☀️

OooErMissus · 30/10/2019 19:45

Cross-posted with Sara!!

kitcat32 · 30/10/2019 19:48

The main thing that stood out in your original post is you could afford if you gave up your big family holiday, that to me means you can't afford it as you'd be sacrificing something that's more important. I'd personally be inclined to say sorry but it's simply not doable because of cost but maybe go out and visit at another date and make the visit you big holiday also.

OooErMissus · 30/10/2019 19:57

That was probably also the case for the OP's friend thought kitcat, to be fair (when she came for the OP's wedding).

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