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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not fly to NZ for friend's wedding?

226 replies

babybrain77 · 28/10/2019 22:32

Very close friend from school has met and is marrying a man from New Zealand. She has lived there for a couple of years and wedding is set for January 2020.

I have a DS who will be 10 months old at the time of the wedding. DH is a teacher so cannot attend as it's during term time. I have said that I won't be able to go as I don't want to be so far away from DS and don't want to take him with me to get discombobulated by time zones and temperature changes for a really short trip.

Friend says I'm selfish and that I should leave DS with DH. I can afford the flights although it would probably mean no big family holiday with DH and DS. DH would be fine alone with DS for 5 days - he has spent a lot of time with him over summer holidays whilst I've been back at work. Other close friends agree with friend getting married, that IABU missing the wedding when DS won't even remember me being gone.

I'm now starting to doubt myself and am feeling like a crap friend. She flew to the UK for my wedding last year and she won't have a lot of friends or family going over to NZ. I think I am struggling with the idea of being the other side of the planet from DS, rather than the time away (I would literally fly there for the wedding and come back the next day).

AIBU to want to stay home?

OP posts:
Smithy1234 · 29/10/2019 09:53

Your friend's reaction is strange. I live abroad and it comes with a price. When I got married some of my friends and family made it and many others didn't for a number of reasons, but this is to be expected. I had absolutely no hard feelings to declined invitations in this situation.

user1480880826 · 29/10/2019 09:57

Your friend actually called you selfish?! I really struggle to imagine ever saying that to a friend, however upset I might be.

Flying that far for one day is madness. It will create almost as much carbon as the average European creates in an entire year.

If your friend chooses to live/get married on the other side of the world she needs to accept that people won’t come and visit her. It’s environmentally disastrous, incredibly expensive and very difficult for people with children to spend time away from them.

To not fly to NZ for friend's wedding?
Original poster
babybrain77 · 29/10/2019 10:07

And on the comments re. friend being a little self-centred - she has always been a little like this and we have always loved her more for it. I completely understand the desire to have friends and family around on your wedding day - I'm just a little sad that she can't understand that my life is a little more complicated now that I have a child who's needs and wellbeing I want to prioritise.

OP posts:
Boireannachlaidir · 29/10/2019 10:13

YANBU at all. Your friend is very unkind to call you selfish.

I totally understand you don't want to play the "I'm a mother & you couldn't possibly understand" card but I think in this case you have to reiterate to your friend that you are not comfortable being so far away from your very young child. It is difficult when peer pressure is applied but your DC comes first.

Sometimes in life we all have to change our priorities depending on the circumstances and good friends will stay with us for life, others may drop off the radar.

BlingLoving · 29/10/2019 10:21

When in January is the wedding? Could you all go over together for Christmas and New Year then DH fly back for term while you and DS stay on for the wedding?

For me, the main issue is that it's a long way to go for just one or two nights, so if you go, you have to either take DS or leave him for at least a week, which logistically might be challenging. Also, it lands up costing a lot and then you say you can't do a family holiday this year? Which doesn't seem fair to me - if you all went then sure, not going away over the summer is fair enough. But for one member of the family to spend the entire budget for holidays seems unreasonable.

I feel for your friend but unless you can find a way that works, it's not practical (my friend who married an australian not only wanted me to fly over 2 months before my OWN wedding but couldn't understand why I wasn't super excited to hear that I had to have my own bridesmaid dress made in London before I came.....)

Motoko · 29/10/2019 11:51

Well, you actually can't afford to go, because it would mean that you won't be able to have a family holiday. It would actually be selfish of you to spend that money on yourself, going to a friend's wedding, to the detriment of your husband.

I certainly wouldn't be happy if my husband spent the family savings, that were earmarked for a family holiday, on going on a jolly by himself.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/10/2019 12:01

F going to the wedding of anyone who calls you 'selfish' for putting your son first!

Myimaginaryfamiliarhasfleas · 29/10/2019 12:05

The reason she had to come all the way from NZ to your wedding is because she went there in the first place! Don't let her guilt trip you with this one.

It's an insanely selfish expectation on her part.

YANBU.

AnotherEmma · 29/10/2019 12:20

YANBU. You are not selfish. Your friend is the selfish one and she's also hypocritical and rude for calling you selfish.

You and your DH made the effort to visit them before, so it's not as if you've never bothered. Travelling to NZ is not your average trip (due to the time and expense) so you can't expense people to do it - even without factoring in a baby and annual leave restrictions.

I breastfed DS but even if I hadn't, there's no way on earth I would have flown to the other side of the world without him when he was just 10 months old. For weddings in the UK or Europe I would have taken him with me but only if DH could come too.

AnotherEmma · 29/10/2019 12:20

*expect

Winterdaysarehere · 29/10/2019 12:38

But she didn't come Just for your wedding. She came for 3 weeks holiday...

greeneyedlulu · 29/10/2019 12:51

Your supposed friend is being a bridezilla dick. Dont go

stealthbanana · 29/10/2019 13:11

You’re not being selfish (!) but if you want to go you should.

I’m leaving my 10 month old for 5 days / 4 nights to fly to Australia for my mums 70th. But I want to go, can afford it, and I feel comfortable leaving my kids. If neither of these apply to you then don’t go!

Otherwise, the PPs suggestion of all flying out together at Christmas/NY and then you taking DS back by yourself later is a good one. Solves many of your logistical problems.

Original poster
babybrain77 · 29/10/2019 13:58

@BlingLoving and @stealthbanana it's a good suggestion but the wedding is 25th January and DH term starts again on the 6th which would mean I'd have 3 weeks away by myself. Which doesn't really seem feasible. The other friend who is a teacher did suggest that more people from the UK might be able to come if the wedding were over the Christmas/New Year period (we were asked before the date was set whether we would be able to come, and when would be the best time) but apparently that was inconvenient for the groom's family.

I am feeling much better that most seem to think IANBU. I do think that the friendship may be irreparably damaged by the decision, but it doesn't feel like that's solely my responsibility as she should be able to be a little more understanding.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 29/10/2019 13:59

"apparently that was inconvenient for the groom's family"

The groom's family - who presumably live in NZ?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/10/2019 14:02

Selfish not to fly - all the way to NZ? A 24-hour flight for a bloody wedding, even without accounting for the fact of the 10-month-old?

Ha ha ha.

That should be your response to this CF 'friend', OP.

mbosnz · 29/10/2019 14:21

I'm from NZ, and I'm sorry but your friend is being batshit selfish and crazy to demand this, and then get aggro at you for not going.

I've had friends that have got married, and yes, regretfully declined because I couldn't justify the expense, and being good friends, with their head not stuck firmly up their own backsides, they more than understood.

BlingLoving · 29/10/2019 14:25

That IS a long time to stay on holiday. Doable if you had other friends/family to hang out with but three weeks just lurking for a wedding seems a bit excessive.

mencken · 29/10/2019 14:40

'waah! you aren't crossing the planet and doing a 13 hour time change to come to my frilly-frock party! waah!!'

and that's ignoring the no doubt huge cost. NZ in January is lovely but not for a few days from the UK.

tell her you'll be back in touch when she's apologised for calling you selfish. Hopefully she'll recover from the attack of bridezilla, if not good luck to the poor bugger marrying her.

thewalrus · 29/10/2019 15:03

DH and I have a very good friend who lives in NZ. We didn't go to his wedding as I was 6 months into a complicated pregnancy - I wouldn't have been safe to travel and DH wouldn't have wanted to be away from me. Otherwise, we would absolutely have gone, because we love NZ and we could have afforded it. Friend completely understood - as I would expect.
Fast-forward a decade and our family of five flew over to spend a month with our friends. It was amazing and we were able to spend lots of time together. Our kids all got to know each other. I was debilitated by jetlag at first, as expected. Kids did fine, but two of the three were sick and feverish for a couple of days after the flight.
My point, I suppose, is that if good friends relocate to the other side of the world, you're not going to see them as much, and you are going to miss some significant stuff. But life is long (hopefully!), and there will be other opportunities.

In your circumstances, personally I wouldn't go. And I really struggle to see how that would be unreasonable.

stealthbanana · 29/10/2019 15:50

@babybrain77 the not-early-January thing will be because Southern Hemisphere people are all properly on hols and probably not around - I understand why. But if it doesn’t work for you then I wouldn’t even think twice about it!

Skittlesandbeer · 29/10/2019 16:19

I wouldn’t go, and I live in Australia! Grin

No way would I leave my baby.

I don’t judge others who manage it, but she needs to see she’s asking too much. She’s entitled to feel sad but not stroppy.

Original poster
babybrain77 · 29/10/2019 16:19

@stealthbanana - yes that's what she said. I think the groom's family are usually away over New Year so having it around them wouldn't work for them. Which is fine... it's just a shame that it's coming as a surprise that I don't want to make the trip when I said at the outset I would be bound by DH's school holidays.

OP posts:
mamandematribu · 29/10/2019 16:37

YANBU you will worry constantly whilst away from ds. The distance is huge and your friend will get over it.

Throckmorton · 29/10/2019 17:23

Can people stop with all the shit about non-parents not understanding. Those of us without children are not morons devoid of empathy. The bride is clearly being selfish, which has fuck all to do with having kids or not.

OP - it's a bloody long way to NZ - you are not being selfish not to go.