Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
RainbowSlide · 29/10/2019 02:59

I've rtft and am now over invested. Don't be bullied or hoodwinked OP, she's been a right twat and continues to be with her responses. She's not even willing to stand by her word with your family in person, what a coward. Good luck for the morning!!

MintyChops · 29/10/2019 04:09

OP you must be totally cuntstipated from having to deal it’s such a massive one all day.....

MintyChops · 29/10/2019 04:10

*with, not it’s!

Coka · 29/10/2019 04:44

I think this about much more than the coat. Is it possible these posh friends judge her for living with you cheaply? Maybe she wants to create a divide where she can moan about you and not be your friend, possibly relying on the fact she has known you so long that you won't throw her out.

Or maybe a friend has a spare room that she is hoping they will offer if her living situation with you is bad.

I would not be getting sucked into playing the part she wants you to in the end of the friendship. If that's what she wants she can do it herself.

PerkyPomPoms · 29/10/2019 04:48

Dozy mare!

NChangeForNoReason · 29/10/2019 05:22

Just wanted to offer my support ... and mark my place in the thread Wink

SnorkMaiden81 · 29/10/2019 05:42

Because I'm a stubborn mare I'd go forensic on her ass.

Tell her you want to photograph the rip and you'll send the pic to Barbour customer service to ask their advice and if they've seen this manner of tear before.

There are literally no ends to which I won't go to prove a point. Grin

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 29/10/2019 06:33

Hmmm I originally went against the MN massive and thought it would be best to salvage the friendship.
But it can only be salvaged if she realises what a bellend she's been.

But she isn't. She's being an even bigger bell by sending those texts.

She's a proper dickhead isn't she?

Roussette · 29/10/2019 06:47

f you would like to stay and want to find some other resolution for the coat, I would be happy as a good will gesture to give you some money toward replacing it

Shock Why, just why? I know I've taken this sentence out of context from a PP's draft email to OP's friend but honestly!
So if my NDN accidentally spills a tin of paint on her carpet, I should offer to contribute because I live next door to her?!

I've said it before but it needs saying again... giving her money means you admit guilt

Vanhi · 29/10/2019 06:48

She can move in with Barbour Boy

Barbour boy may have been pulling her strings and may have wanted her to have a massive falling out with the OP to get her to this point. "There, there, she was never really a friend anyway, maybe you should stay at mine".

Newmumma83 · 29/10/2019 06:49

Hope the conversation goes ok.

I would expect an apology from your friend.
I hope you get it x x

MisguidedAngel · 29/10/2019 06:50

Very late to the thread, but another anecdote. My brother aged 60, 2 years younger than me went completely bonkers in a similar way after our mother died. I turned the other cheek so many times I was dizzy. A friend said "he is pissing up your leg, divorce him". I went completely NC. No regrets.

Longdistance · 29/10/2019 07:00

Now rereading your original post op, why did she have housing issues? Did she possibly do something similar to her last landlord/lady? Why did she move out from the last place? Did she not pay the rent because she bought crappy expensive coats that tear easily? What was her excuse?

Good luck with her today, but I have a funny feeling she’s going to hide.

billybagpuss · 29/10/2019 07:02

Morning op hope today goes well, you’re going to need a new thread at this rate 😳

KTheGrey · 29/10/2019 07:09

@Riv - excellent advice.

Fatshedra · 29/10/2019 07:15

My take is that she bought Barbour jacket - felt guilty knowing she was sponging off you, possibly jacket has discount price. She then spots tear and is furious her extravagant buy is flawed (possibly was when bought) so in her anger/ disappointment/ feeling conned by seller) blames you lot rather than admit she's been conned into buying a dud she couldn't afford.
Isn't a nice enough person to apologise and admit she fucked up so for that reason she needs to be asked to find other accommodation. I would also say she wasn't that happy with sharing accommodation with others and thus turned on you all when angry. She def needs to go for this reason too.

KatherineJaneway · 29/10/2019 07:15

I can hear the back peddling all the way from here OP. She's realised how badly she's messed up. So my bet is you'll either get tears or anger. Good luck Flowers

AwdBovril · 29/10/2019 07:16

Think I agree with @Longdistance - I wonder if she has got difficult with previous LL, roommate etc, & that's why she suddenly needed accommodation.

bananacakerox · 29/10/2019 07:25

Ensure the conversation is on your terms. You have the power here, not Barbour bitch. She can dance to your tune.

Jellybeansincognito · 29/10/2019 07:31

‘not Barbour bitch

🤣 brilliant.

*shameless placemark included 🙃

CoraPirbright · 29/10/2019 07:46

But how are you going to play it when, inevitably, she tries to defuse the situation by saying “oh you’re overreacting”, “oh I never meant that” etc? Because she did mean it at the time but now realises that, instead of meekly accepting the blame, you are hugely (rightly) affronted and she now realises the gravy train is coming to an end.

NameChangedForTheDay · 29/10/2019 07:56

God this reminds me of a falling out in 2015 and the end of friendship with my friend of many years.

She essentially limited / locked down what me and DP could see on her Facebook. Not the end of the world, but odd enough to make me ask what was up.

A big row blew up where she accused me and DP of "gossiping about her and her life to her ex". Which we'd of course, absolutely not done.

Like you OP, I was incredibly hurt and upset that she could think that of us. I kept trying to arrange to meet up on a one to one basis to get to the bottom of it and she said she'd meet, but not discuss it, as "it was done now" and "no point in dragging it out", as she was "over it and protecting herself with locking down her social media".

She then mentioned it all in our mutual friend group chat, despite me keeping our friends out of it to save for any awkwardness. Which really pissed me off.

A huge argument ensued and she ended ll contact with me and DP.

To this day, we've still absolutely no idea what the gossip her ex heard about her and her life was, or even which ex it was! Utterly bizarre.

LazyDaisey · 29/10/2019 08:00

‼️I thnk that she's being really unreasonable but I also think you're being whipped up into hysteria here by a lot of people, who havent read that she's been there for you in thick and thin.

Don't go in all guns blazing because your friend's been weird and unpleasant once, after the time and love she's shown you before.

If this is unsalveagable, that might be the case and so be it, but keep your head straight, don't get sucked in by people online who won't balance the years of give and take between you.‼️‼️‼️

Can’t seem to bold this morning, so reposting this excellent advice from previous poster.

Me included... I’m responding to details you post... I don’t know anything about this person but if you two have had a friendship of 17 years and never had an argument.... she can’t be Barbour Bitch. And if she’s supported you emotionally and financially for last 17 years in your friendship ... she can’t be a cheeky user either. We are really going off this FIRST and ONLY argument in your 17 year friendship. Don’t listen to us harpies.

purplepalace · 29/10/2019 08:05

Under no circumstances should you be offering her any money NOR should you be trying to help her solve the mystery by contacting Barbour etc. Just don't entertain her craziness in any way.

What she has accused you and your family of is really nasty, when she delivered her hurtful accusation you (justifiably) got very upset...she turned this on you as you 'acting defensive and guilty'. She is now minimising and will no doubt say you misunderstood her and overreacted etc. She's making this all your fault from beginning to end and is acting like a victim.

This is gaslighting. She is the puppet master here.

You need to take back the power, she lives under your roof, you are in charge here.

Get rid of her ASAP. After trust has been broken like this there's no way you can have her under your roof. 'I'm sorry this living arrangement isn't going to work anymore'

She sounds like a user anyway, she doesn't seem to value your friendship at all. You're a cheap place to live, but if you meant anything to her she wouldn't have behaved like this, especially in front of your DS. She has no integrity whatsoever.

MyOtherProfile · 29/10/2019 08:15

Who is Barbour boy? Is there a bloke on the scene? I usually carefully read all of an OPs posts but I've missed that one...