Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 28/10/2019 23:11

I can understand her not wanting to come in and face you all tonight. As for the rest though... Is it possible she did some drugs over the weekend which could explain it?

Preparingfor · 28/10/2019 23:12

KobeLondon doesn't it occur to you that OP may have name changed for this rather than just being new Hmm

Lizzie0869 · 28/10/2019 23:12

If you think the OP is a troll, report it. Troll hunting is boring and predictable as well.

Grandmi · 28/10/2019 23:17

Well I left this thread at about 3 pm and now too much to read !! I did say that maybe drugs involved!!

Preparingfor · 28/10/2019 23:17

Drugs??

Preparingfor · 28/10/2019 23:17

Please...

Mamaoffruitloops · 28/10/2019 23:18

Be strong tomorrow OP. You are not in the wrong.Flowers

ExcitedForFuture · 28/10/2019 23:20

Will there be any space for an update tomorrow? no placemarking here

Toucan123 · 28/10/2019 23:33

Hope you're feeling ok OP and getting a good night's sleep. It must be really upsetting having a friend turn on you and your family like that, especially one you've been so good to!

munzero · 28/10/2019 23:37

Out late tonight, hey? Why don't you leave the key in the door, OP?

Onthebrink87 · 28/10/2019 23:54

I'd text saying
Dear friend
I just wanted to chat about this polava with your coat. I would never damage any of your belongings as I'm sure neither would dh and ds. I know you staying here is saving you money so you can get back on your feet, and whilst money is a bit tight, I don't begrudge it at all, as you are a dear friend to me. Judging by your reaction to what I can only assume was an accident that could have happened anywhere although it is abundantly apparent that those feelings of respect and friendship aren't reciprocated, and if that indeed is the case, I would completely understand if you wanted to move on and there would be no hard feelings. If you would like to stay and want to find some other resolution for the coat, I would be happy as a good will gesture to give you some money toward replacing it, however would need to ask for more of a contribution toward the household so i am able to do so. If you do choose to leave, may I suggest that it happens rather soon as I feel our friendship is dwindling quickly due to lack of trust and your insistence on me being a liar.

MissEliza · 28/10/2019 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Collision · 29/10/2019 00:03

What an awful person she is.

FlashesOfRage · 29/10/2019 00:09

Please OP just stop engaging at all. It is weak and she enjoys it.

Don’t text.
Don’t detail the things you’ve done for her.
Don’t point out the times you could have been annoyed but let her off.
Don’t try to get her to feel guilty by mentioning softy dads and heart attacks.
Don’t ask to have it out.
Don’t insist on a conference.
Don’t try to explain how awful it was that your DS saw it all.
Don’t try to get her to care that you are floored/hurt/shocked.

She doesn’t fucking care. She isn’t going to care. She won’t be sorry and she won’t see your point of view.

Every word you say to her now is just material for her to twist. Stop giving it to her to use against you. No matter what you say she is going to outmanoeuvre you and talk shit about you. You can’t prevent that so just accept it.

The strongest thing you can do right now is close off from her.
Please protect yourself by saying as little as possible x

katewhinesalot · 29/10/2019 00:12

Well that's another issue to discuss tomorrow. That she clearly knows how upset you are but didn't have the decency to sort it out tonight. Just left you hanging so to speak.
She's just not caring about you at all is she.

undeadmedicstudentmum · 29/10/2019 00:13

She is avoiding you now because she knows she's massively messed up.

However, she sounds like a tremendous twat, and she needs to go!

QueenoftheDay · 29/10/2019 00:31

Wow.

You never truly know someone until you live with them. This is her.

Get her to fuck.

MaraScottie · 29/10/2019 00:36

What a gaslighting bint. Stay strong OP!

SirVixofVixHall · 29/10/2019 00:36

I have just summarised the whole thread to DH. His response.
“Well she has cut it herself, because she’s a lunatic”
Now he is elaborating that she is jealous that you have this nice, happy set up, and she doesn’t, she has an expensive jacket as compensation, looking after herself etc, but its pristine beauty has frayed. In jealousy she would like your home life to fray and break down, so she is accusing you of doing the same eg destruction of her lovely thing.
He has now added DISCLAIMER, I AM NOT A PSYCHIATRIST AND SO AM PROBABLY JUST MAKING ALL THIS UP AS I NEED A WEE.

WhinyWa · 29/10/2019 00:44

This is like a teenage child and you're her mother or an abusive relationship.
She's a user. She's actually costing you money while she saves to buy a house. She's jealous.

Outrageously bullying YOU in your own house in front of your small child. Her little pal sounds as unhinged as her, testing the "rip or snip" hypotheses on his coat indeed, it's not normal. Is this her masters dissertation?
I bet she's trying desperately to fit in with this snob as you referred to him, he's probably saying 'oh Lana is jealous of you and your beautiful coat... " she's a fool.

It's like your supposed friendship has taken a power shift and she's trying to get some of it back with the gaslighting and garbage about not being friends for 20yrs, almost trying to dismiss or divert from the outrageous behaviour.

And just to be clear, don't get into any debates with her, she wants to get a reaction and she can use it as supposed proof that her shitty behaviour is acceptable.
Show your son how you deal with manipulative bullies by allowing her in stagnant silence to explain herself and then calmly stating that this drama has no place in your home and you'd like her to leave.
Then disengage disengage disengage. She'll try to draw you in with thinly veiled digs or outright nonsense claims, but please don't fall for it or engage others in this.
Just let her leave.

And if the freeloader is reading this, you're a rude, sneaky little vole. Pay your way in life and stop bludging off people who have been there helping you along the way.

HowlinProwlin · 29/10/2019 00:49

@k1233 triangle tears, where you get two straight sides of a square, the other two still attached.. almost always caused by catching fabric on a sharp point like a nail, barbed wire, thorn - skin will do it too, commonly seen on greyhounds and lurchers who have caught themselves on thorns, nails, barbed wire etc. Fabric tears easily like this as it runs straight along the warp and weft of the fabric.

HiJenny35 · 29/10/2019 01:00

She's going to come back tomorrow and make it seem like you are being dramatic, over exaggerated and she didn't mean it like that. She act like there's no problem so you need to consider what you are going to do then because do you really want to continue living with her and have her around your family now?

tentedthings · 29/10/2019 01:32

My theory is she bought a stolen coat off a friend...Barbour boy ? Perhaps whoever stole it and ripped her off is now blaming the security tab rip she discovered on you in order to cover their own tracks.

Riv · 29/10/2019 01:33

Flowers for today op. and strong positive thoughts.
If she tries to begin the “discussion “ at a time or place that is not convenient to you, such as in front of your DS or when you are alone without adult witnesses;
Tell her clearly “we will discuss this at ........”
Then calmly recite the mumsnet mantras
“Now is not convenient to me “
“Now doesn’t work for me “
“We’re not discussing this now “
Or other simple phrases that ensure that you are back in control and she knows it.
You need to make it clear that it’s up to you to decide on the timing. Even if it’s to hear a grovelling apology. She made accusations, she upset you, she hurt your DS. She rejected several chances to put it right yesterday and minimised it all. She doesn’t get to dictate the time or the outcome nor does she get a chance to gaslight and upset your DS ever again.

FinallyJones · 29/10/2019 01:38

875 responses...this is the point I check out of Mumsnet. Seriously!