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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 13:11

I would stop taking food and stop knocking. She’ll come out when she’s ready.

Well she’s been in there 2 days and she’s not been ready thus far. I’d say she’ll come out when she’s leaving.

Thornhill58 · 28/10/2019 13:12

You have been amazing host. So strange and unsettling to have a person in your house like a ghost. Very rude at best.
Well done you.

Delatron · 28/10/2019 13:12

Yes she probably will! I think OP should leave her be though.

Mumto2two · 28/10/2019 13:13

My sister-in law behaved like this the last time we had a family get together. It was just so darned rude, trays of food would disappear, but she literally disappeared one weekend to her bedroom for a 'nap', and didn't reappear until the Tuesday! No excuse either, she's just one of those people that can sleep for an 18 hour stretch, and still complain they are tired...

Cornishclio · 28/10/2019 13:14

I would leave her be and go out. Don't bother about giving her a tray of food. You are not her maid and your house does not offer room service. Incredibly rude of her.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/10/2019 13:14

US / Canadian born Indians are often like this around non-immediate family; it’s like they stop bothering with social niceties. I would suggest, if you don’t like it, play up to your age and tell her that while you will accept this kind of behaviour they definitely won’t in India and to get dressed and downstairs even if she doesn’t want to eat. One of the best things about being Indian is that you can tell younger rude relations off!

Thornhill58 · 28/10/2019 13:16

PS: just go about your business like she isn't there. If she is hungry or thirsty she'll come out. Very strange. I hope they go soon.

monkeymonkey2010 · 28/10/2019 13:16

how about you stop the room-service dinners?
Then at least she'll HAVE to come down? If she doesn't - that's her choice.

She could be feeling ill, out of place, awkward, out of her depth etc - especially if you are of a different ethnicity and have very different lifestyles.

Her husband sounds like a dick - just leaving her there whilst he swans around with his mates/cousins enjoying himself.
It wouldn't surprise me if this 'holiday' was all his idea and she had no choice but to go along with it.
Funny how yo can perceive her as being rude - but not her husband.
He hasn't give a shit about awkward YOU might be feeling has he?
He just gives you a bullshit response that doesn't actually help you in any way - and then buggers off on his jaunts.

Do you think she's even got access to any money that she'd be able to spend if she went out with you?
Cos if she hasn't - then she's going to be too bloody embarrassed to say so....and the best way to get around it is to be 'ill'.

Love how the men go off drinking and gallivanting - leaving you to deal with the responsibility of juggling kids, your own day to day stuff, cooking, cleaning - and chauffeur/escort but only IF you can manage to get any meaningful communication from your host - cos even her husband can't be arsed sorting that one out.

ThatMuppetShow · 28/10/2019 13:18

how about you stop the room-service dinners?
Then at least she'll HAVE to come down?

back in the real world, who would really do that?

monkeymonkey2010 · 28/10/2019 13:18

*guest

ThatMuppetShow · 28/10/2019 13:22

Love how the men go off drinking and gallivanting - leaving you to deal with the responsibility of juggling kids, your own day to day stuff, cooking, cleaning - and chauffeur/escort

to be fair, it's DH cousin.
How do you know roles are not reversed when it's a friend or family member of the OP who comes to visit?

We do swap in my home, pretty sure we are not an exception.

Apolloanddaphne · 28/10/2019 13:22

How very odd. Unless her DH says something when they get back you may never know why she is acting this way. Just leave her some food and tell her you are going out now.

Redlioness123 · 28/10/2019 13:26

OP I am from the same culture and we used to notice this a lot when we were kids, if my dad's international cousins ever stayed over with their spouses, we rarely saw the spouses. They used to stay in the same room for days. That was back in the 90s and it was bloody weird then, let alone now.

As you've only met her once and that would've been at the wedding, and she lives overseas, I would hazard a guess that she feels that while your partners are cousins and that they both will have a motivation to spend time with each other, she won't be feeling the same way at all. To her, you are strangers, and to put it blunt, she can't be bothered. Which is really really rude but some people are like that. If that was me, my DH would get seriously annoyed at me if I treated his family the same way. Maybe her DH doesn't have an issue with it because you're so long distant and he doesn't think it's crucial she makes the effort with you. I imagine if they are going to his family village in India like you have mentioned, she will do the exact same - not visit any family, and lock herself away if family come over. Which will look extremely rude to the natives there and knowing some of my family, they would likely bluntly call her DH out on it (not be polite like we are over here!). Particularly as they have come from the USA- to the locals it will smack of arrogance and that she feels she is superior. This is already a common view in India of Indians who are born and bred abroad

kateandme · 28/10/2019 13:26

We did have similar. A family member who came and she did have crippling anxiety and mental health problems. But we were told about it, and we made exceptions to it so we knew not to bother. her we knew what was going on and left to it. Her husband told us and we were fine with it obviously. We got all her safe foods in we made sure that there was a room for her to go off in feel safe. And we included her but no pressure at all! I can't believe the silence over this that's what weird.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/10/2019 13:32

@ Redlioness123 - agreed. In the UK we tend to be encouraged to maintain extended family relationships but this is definitely not the case with Asian cultures in the US / Canada. But if OP says nothing this woman is likely to ruin her reputation in India (and depending on the family, internationally) which could be a huge problem if these guys are newlyweds.

DarlingNikita · 28/10/2019 13:34

DH told me to take her some lunch up
Tell him to stop telling you what to do!

Love how the men go off drinking and gallivanting - leaving you to deal with the responsibility of juggling kids, your own day to day stuff, cooking, cleaning - and chauffeur/escort
This exactly. Tell your DH and his cousin you're not creeping about knocking and leaving trays any more. They can look after her.

Rainbunny · 28/10/2019 13:36

Well immediately stop hanging around your house just in case she wants to do something, just carry on doing whatever you'd be doing if she wasn't there. I'd probably be annoyed at first about this as well but she seems to want to hide away and she probably doesn't realise that she's making life difficult for you in terms of day planning, meals etc.. She may well think she's not bothering anyone by staying in the bedroom. She'll come out when she wants to and you're not being a bad host by ignoring her - it's what she wants apparently.

If some of my inlaws came to stay and then hid out in a bedroom for the visit I'd find the visit more relaxing Grin

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 28/10/2019 13:37

Unless you’re ill what could you possibly do cooped up in a room for 2 days?

LionKingLover · 28/10/2019 13:41

Go and get the Halloween stuff. When you tell her your going out just ask her if she's wanting to go out after you get back. Seems strange.

gamerchick · 28/10/2019 13:42

but I always get left with his relatives when they come, which is quite a lot./

This is your problem right here. Your bloke and his orders while he goes off and does what he wants.

No more trays, tell your bloke to get his arse home and see to his guest who is frankly being rude, as is her bloke.

If you're dont put your foot down then it'll just keep happening.

I'd starve her out me. But I wouldn't have allowed it to go on this long.

Original poster
hangingabout · 28/10/2019 13:43

I just texted DH and said I have to go out now because I’ve been in all weekend and I can’t tell what she wants to do, but I get the vibe she wants to be left alone. Now he says I have to stay in because he doesn’t know if his cousin has a key or what his plans are. I took her a wrap sandwich and a fruit salad with some more tea etc and she’s up there, with a towel round her head and loads of clothes laid out on the bed. She said, “thanks very much”. I mean wouldn’t you be embarrassed that someone you hardly know is bringing you food up three flights of stairs? I asked her again if she wanted to go anywhere and she said, “Thankyou so much. Maybe later.” What is that supposed to mean fgs? It will be dark in a few hours. She did ask if she could use an iron, so I told her where the ironing board is and the laundry, but she’ll have to come out to use that because I’m not carrying that up. I’ve told DH I don’t think she’ll come out tonight and he said just try and relax, do something nice with the kids inside and it’s only one day. I don’t know where her DH is. I understand she might have anxiety or something, but if that’s the case, why wouldn’t he just say and why has her DH just left her? Anyway, I can’t do anymore. Thankyou for all the responses because I’m very bored stuck in the house due to people who don’t bother to communicate properly. The kids think it’s very strange too.

OP posts:
Redlioness123 · 28/10/2019 13:43

@GrumpyHoonMain definitely!
She is most likely annoyed that on their few days stopover in London, her DH has agreed to stay with his extended family rather than get a hotel (if it was a hotel, she would not be behaving like this). But if you're indian, that's the rule! Grin If you stop over somewhere for a few days and don't stay with your extended family and they find out you were in the city and didn't tell them, they will definitely judge, and your parents would give you a bollocking! Blush

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 13:46

She doesn’t sound very anxious tbh.

An anxious person would be worrying what you thought of her and apologising and might appear agitated.

TatianaLarina · 28/10/2019 13:46

I’d also ignore your DH btw? He’s not your keeper.

PhilCornwall1 · 28/10/2019 13:48

back in the real world, who would really do that?

I think after 2 days I would. She needs to be told that meals are eaten downstairs and not in bedrooms. If her weird behaviour is a cultural thing, she'd be told that the way meals are served in the house are a cultural thing, take it or leave it.

That may well be rude, but she isn't exactly being polite either.