Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 31/10/2019 17:20

But each time he went to pick her up, her dad said she was lying down resting and didn’t want to come out. So it took months and months for him to propose. Obviously this was intended to be a funny story at the wedding. But it does make me wonder if this is actually just the way she is and she was like this before she got married.

That puts a whole new complexion on things. Did he not think this was a red flag? (Clearly not).

Motoko · 31/10/2019 17:31

What gets me, is that some pps seem to think that if OP went in the room and asked her what's going on, she'd have opened up and spilled the beans.

Going on OP's description of the whole visit, she'd have just told OP that she was fine, just a bit tired.

She didn't even give OP a yes or no answer when asked if she wanted to go out somewhere, even though it's obvious she had no intention of going out.

Smotheroffive · 31/10/2019 18:52

You dont seem to consider da, and you deny it when any suggest it

She has no job.

Very highly educated, great job, married, job ends.

Its part of the culture, and denies her financial control. You don't have to say it. Its there, based on what you've told us, you said it.

Its pretty classic tbh, and now you're making it all about her lying down.

She is displaying very worrying things potentially and you do not challenge anyone having a laugh at her expense on your thread.

Noone speaking. Its all very wrong.

Quartz2208 · 31/10/2019 21:17

I think the problem is the dynamics between men and women are skewed so much it’s hard to find a normal balance. The OP relationship is one where she does so much and toes the line that it’s hard to for her to see how even more odd this is.

Lweji · 31/10/2019 22:04

Why would you say she has no financial control? Financial control of what?
It's interesting that you ask this. Does it not cross your mind that she may not have financial control of herself?

It's also very telling that it tool him months to propose because she was lying down. Did she actually want to marry him? Confused

Lweji · 31/10/2019 22:05

Took him!

isthismylifenow · 01/11/2019 06:20

3 times preparing to propose.....

I really just don't know what to think. There is much underlying and this just goes to show that you will never know what happens within relationships, and how people live until you have a small peek into their lives.

I think you will never know OP, unless your cousin speaks to someone, it will remain odd.

If you were closer and saw them more often, you may be able to suss something out, whether it be any of the number of things suggested in this thread. Its at least one of them though.

Good luck for the dinner party. I do have to say that you seem very hospitable and although you have been ragged a bit about all the family, hosting etc... it does appear that it is something that you enjoy doing.

pictish · 01/11/2019 06:49

With your update regarding the failed proposals I think she’s either got psychological issues or has simply been pandered to all her life and has no idea that blowing people off to lie around in bed is rude.
God knows. Either way, she’d make for a disconcerting houseguest for me and I wouldn’t relish having her back to stay either.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 01/11/2019 07:18

For gods sake go in and check on her !

GoFiguire · 01/11/2019 07:20

It’s an awfully long way to go to India just to check if she wants a cup of tea fightingmycorner

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 01/11/2019 07:21

That might be tricky, Fightingmycorner, seeing as she’s in India now.

I find RTFT quite helpful when dispensing advice and indignation.

Phimma · 01/11/2019 07:35

Following (out of intrigue)

OverUnderSidewaysDown · 01/11/2019 08:40

I have been wondering if she may have a physical condition such as M.E.

beanaseireann · 01/11/2019 09:26

ChardonnaysDistantCousin
"I find RTFT quite helpful when dispensing advice and indignation."
GrinGrinGrin

YouTheCat · 01/11/2019 09:30

From what OP has said about the proposals and the saying goodbye and going straight to the car and putting earphones in, I think she sounds like a very rude princess type.

Phimma · 01/11/2019 09:38

I'm not sure I'd want to them staying again. Make an excuse OP and don't have them back. She was just plain rude and very selfish and ungrateful.

Original poster
hangingabout · 01/11/2019 09:51

“For gods sake go in and check on her !” Grin

Fighting, it’s Friday. Do you think I wouldn’t have made it up the stairs over the course of almost a week?

To those pps assuming she has no financial control, I really don’t think he’d giving up work was “cultural” tbh. Not in this extended family anyway, in the sense nobody else has done that as far as I can see. Also, if your money is shared (and I presume theirs would be, otherwise it wouldn’t make sense), why would there be a loss of “financial control?” It’s stiil the same account?

OP posts:
Original poster
hangingabout · 01/11/2019 09:52

“Her” not “he’d” - sorry.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/11/2019 09:54

and I presume theirs would be, otherwise it wouldn’t make sense

You don't know that it is. You just need to read some threads here to realise that some women really stop having access to money other than what their husbands give them.

Smotheroffive · 01/11/2019 09:58

You know nothing about them ...but now you know their finances?

You are making a mockery of this woman, who had a top education nd job. So far as you know, doesn't really.cut it does it.

You are leading horrible speculations about this woman who you don't have a clue about other than she doesn't have financial independence, after marriage has no job any more (not unusual in this culture, neither are inordinately grand weddings), has a husband who has abandoned her all weekend to a house full of strangers.

Stop being so awful about her. This is her real life not some joke for you to spin out to keep a thread going.

Ginfordinner · 01/11/2019 10:44

Everything you have posted is extraordinarily defensive Smother.
Is there an agenda here?

IMO the OP has bent over backwards to accommodate a difficult guest.

Smotheroffive · 01/11/2019 10:51

You need to read the way the OP is defensive about any suggestion of the woman being anything other than rude or ill.

I repeat, she no longer has a job, since marrying, so no financial security or independence, she can't make it out of the car unaided, barely speaks, is abandoned for the entirety of her time spent in a strangers house by her husband, spent the entire time inside her room.

Who would deny that da is very definitely a potential here?

Tue thread is gawping at this poor womans personal life, shes been called rude and ignorant amongst other choice things.

OP defends any suggestion of da yet knows nothing about her? Only the actions of her husband, and his and her actions

Red flags. Did you not see any? Confused Hmm

iknowimallmine · 01/11/2019 10:53

People who are saying that the girl has no financial control are completely missing that she belongs to a very rich family. You guys are speaking from an experience of your own culture and from what little bit you know of asian culture. Asian rich people can be very arrogant. I know that because I have seen that personally..and some of them are not even super rich. Their daughters especially are more spoiled. They will be very educated but have no idea how to manage a household unless they have help from staff. They also think people who are not well off are beneath them and wont interact with them even though they are quite sociable and friendly in their own circles. I have also seen husbands pandering to these girls even if they do next to nothing in the house or out and these girls take that as their right. Yes their can be abuse and element of control by men in our cultures but mostly when it comes to rich families it's the girls who have most control over the men.

iknowimallmine · 01/11/2019 10:56

I also think knock on the door will be the new cancel the check Grin

Original poster
hangingabout · 01/11/2019 11:03

Smother - with respect, I think you are the one jumping to massive conclusions here. What is the agenda about the financial independence issue? I don’t work since we had kids, but I’m no more or less “financially independent” for it. If I was working, it would still all be one and the same money anyway Confused. I very much doubt she would give up her work to live on pennies. This just wouldn’t fly. Definitely not, given her bsckground. I would think she’s given up for her own reasons. I admit this is possibly unusual, pre DC, but it’s a huge leap to say her husband has forced her out of work so she can exist on his handouts. I very much doubt that.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread