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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
beanaseireann · 31/10/2019 07:35

hangingabout
Have you contacted the cousin's sil to find out more?
That's what I'd be doing to try and solve the mystery.

RosesAndLilies · 31/10/2019 07:40

I remember a thread with a similar husband, he "preferred" corporate entertaining at home to restaurants. Did not appreciate the effort that the SAHW made both in normal activities or with entertaining on top.

The woman was suggested to have nothing to do with an occasion, meaning her DH for the first time had to plan the meal, buy ingredients, get the house ready for visitors, cook, do everything on the night itself and clean up. After that he appreciated this was significant. All future entertaining was back in restaurants. Perhaps you could try this?

Delatron · 31/10/2019 08:34

Yes RosesAndLilies I think that’s the only way for them to appreciate the effort involved. I did the same with DH when he kept inviting people and families to stay at the last minute. Just left it all to him.

OP I’m pleased you’re getting the caterers in, a step in the right direction. Make sure he tidies the house first and does that prep!

mankyfourthtoe · 31/10/2019 09:00

I know this thread is nothing to do with your husband but I think there's things to look at to redress the balance.

If my husband came home and said I was doing a business meal for his colleagues they'd have to take me to hospital for laughing too much at him. He does seem to be taking you for granted. Perhaps you could get a migraine...

SuzieSunshine · 31/10/2019 09:32

Hi OP - can you promise to start a new thread when this one fills up? I need to see your 'Yes I promise' in writing!!

Aridane · 31/10/2019 09:39

What an unpleasant thread.

A woman in some distress and just starting this thread and not, you know, going into the room, sitting with her, talking with her, trying to engage, offering medical help.

nakedavengeragain · 31/10/2019 09:52

@Aridane have you bothered to read the thread?

isthismylifenow · 31/10/2019 09:56

Adriane. What about asking if OP could knock on the door?

YellowDiamond · 31/10/2019 09:56

Dear op, you have been so kind, caring and courteous to your visitors and your in-laws. I suggest you enjoy the rest of mid-term with your kids. Hooray to the suggestion of getting caterers in for the next dinner. Also, try and have something planned for yourself so that you are out of the house for the house guests return stay.

ffswhatnext · 31/10/2019 11:13

@TulipsTulipsTulips hosting for 30 can be relatively easy. Massive pans of chilli, casserole etc.
Pot luck buffet everyone bring a dish. But then if capable all household members should be pitching in anyway.

@hangingabout it’s great that this business meal isn’t down to you. It’s a great start. Now he just has to take an active role in general, including when they return next week. And if she’s still needing so much time to get ready, that she cannot leave the room to come down for food/drink her husband can take things up for her, after he/your husband has made it.

@SuzieSunshine op doesn’t have to make any promises to post anything More on this thread or start another one. And certainly not to make the promise in writing.

Aridane · 31/10/2019 12:06

Yep, have read the entire thread

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 31/10/2019 12:14

So sorry I need to place mark to see what happens when she comes back Brew

SuzieSunshine · 31/10/2019 12:45

@ffswhatnext It wasn't going to be a legally binding contract - chill out.

Smotheroffive · 31/10/2019 12:57

I agree with you Aridane

The guest is being frothed over on here.

All those commenting ooo cant wait for update and placemarking for updates gross

The guest who is potentially displaying all the signs of abuse, and some big suspense to find out is horrible treatment by pp.

Hi OP - can you promise to start a new thread when this one fills up? I need to see your 'Yes I promise' in writing!!

This kind of frothy over-excited shit.

What IS up with some?

WhatdoImean · 31/10/2019 13:24

Obviously, she was spending all her time in her room reading AIBU on Mumsnet....

Smotheroffive · 31/10/2019 13:26

Now taking the piss out of her.

Not laughing.

Is that supposed to be deliberately goading? Just checking, to be sure of your intentions here.

Frazzled2207 · 31/10/2019 13:44

Hurray for getting caterers in this weekend but next time (unless you really enjoy entertaining) can you say to your husband you're busy? We're not really dinner party people but I cannot quite imagine my own dh announcing that we're having a dinner party and expecting me to sort, without consulting with me!

Anyway. Looking forward to the next instalment of the main story. Am feeling a bit sorry for the woman, clearly something isn't quite right. Still no excuse for being such a rude house guest though.

Original poster
hangingabout · 31/10/2019 14:26

If my gut instinct had been that she was being abused in some way, I wouid have had to act. But it was not. Obviously, nobody can ever be sure of anything but, as I said, I can’t jump to that conclusion based on her behaviour at this time.

I have never met her before, apart from briefly at her wedding but obviously there were hundreds there etc. Surely if her husband was accusing her in some way he would have been telling her to put a normal face on things, rather than hide away and arouse suspicion. Also, would he have left her for basically two days, when she could have been talking to me potentially? Why would he even bring her to stay with his relatives at all?

OP posts:
Original poster
hangingabout · 31/10/2019 14:27

Sorry abusing, not accusing.

OP posts:
LifeInAHamsterWheel · 31/10/2019 14:46

For anyone who's familiar with Grace & Frankie, the visitor reminds me so much of Alison (Bud's wife) Grin

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 31/10/2019 14:49

Sorry OP I think your only chance of getting away near to the bottom of this is to have a bit of a gossip with the family who know her a bit better (I think you mentioned an Aunt?) I'd bring up this visit in your next conversation, mention how unusual her behaviour was and then report back to us what you find out see what she says. But definitely don't put your arse in a cramp for them coming back next week! Now you know what to expect, don't let it bother you.

Smotheroffive · 31/10/2019 14:57

I completely disgaree with you OP.

Please do not second guess an abusers tacts and assume she is fine.

There is much to worry about in the words you used to describe her situation.

Her behaviour, his, your dh and yours.

Yours in terms of not speaking about this at the time, to everyone, and going along with it all, thereby condoning it. Even delivering trays and not engaging with the actual people there about it.

You seem to have assumed its funny. It's not. Many seem to have assumed she's being very rude, but what if shes not?

She has no financial control, noone wants to spend 24/7 in a strangers bedroom, she can't get herself out of a car unaided, what a fun time she's been having!

Meanwhile others are out embracing life and activities.

Original poster
hangingabout · 31/10/2019 15:13

Why would you say she has no financial control? Financial control of what?

It’s very difficult to stand in someone’s bedroom, when you don’t know them, and ask pointed questions. You have to be there to sense the vibe.

I didn’t post to have a laugh. I posted because I found it all strange, but I had no idea people would have so many different ideas as to what could be happening,

I do think she has some personal problems - maybe anxiety, depression, phobia; maybe its acute shyness; or maybe it’s pregnancy? Or maybe this is just the way she is? I just really don’t know.

Some of the comments here have made me remember something he said in his wedding speech. He described three times that he’d prepared the scene for to propose to her somewhere. I think he said one was s picnic in a garden and he’s put flowers everywhere - something like that, But each time he went to pick her up, her dad said she was lying down resting and didn’t want to come out. So it took months and months for him to propose. Obviously this was intended to be a funny story at the wedding. But it does make me wonder if this is actually just the way she is and she was like this before she got married.

OP posts:
beanaseireann · 31/10/2019 16:24

OP
You said in one post you would ask a relative who knows this woman better, and who might be able to shed some light on the situation.
I think you should do so before your guests return.

sonjadog · 31/10/2019 16:43

If this is just the way she is, marriage with her isn't going to be a barrel of laughs....

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