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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
Lindasmt1 · 30/10/2019 11:13

I would knock and go in to check on her. That's strange behaviour if she is ok. I mean even her dh has said not to make her dinner. I find it all very strange

Original poster
hangingabout · 30/10/2019 11:23

I think there’s going to be lots of posts now just saying, “Have you tried knocking?..,,,” Grin

I just wanted to say though, these last few posts re- a possible “attitude” that’s he’s used to, have just now reminded me of something. In his speech at the wedding, he said something about he had tried to propose to her various times, but every time he’s gone round to pick her up she was “resting” with a headache or something. Confused I had forgotten this. So maybe this is standard behaviour, it’s just surprising to people who don’t know her? God knows? anyway, Thankyou because that’s given some food for thought - that it might not be us!
Anyway, we can resume normal half-term today!

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 30/10/2019 11:37

Blimey OP. Stop speculating about someone who could well be in a dv situation (cultural norm for some), and just speak to people.

Your response and the lack of communication within your circle is more weird, and making any situation weirder

Its more Hmm than Grin.

Thisismynewname123 · 30/10/2019 11:44

... waiting anxiously for the next instalment in 12 days' time

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 30/10/2019 12:22

.

purplepalace · 30/10/2019 12:44

What a strange and awkward exit....

It just seems like she couldn't wait to leave, didn't like your food, didn't want to get to know you or your family, does not like London etc.

Just really rude.

I'd be hurt and annoyed if I was you. Just for the record OP, you sound like the perfect host. This is obviously something she does and her new DH better start getting used to it, he must be so embarrassed.

I think it'll be the same in 12 days time, and then when they leave, you will never see her again.

Motoko · 30/10/2019 13:02

She just didn't want to be there. I think she was rude.

It would be interesting how it goes down with the relatives in India, and if she's like it when there.

Ginfordinner · 30/10/2019 14:08

I would love to be a fly on the wall in India when she gets there.

elfies · 30/10/2019 14:08

Was she having a period ..a reason to stay away from others in some cultures

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 30/10/2019 14:23

Was she having a period ..a reason to stay away from others in some cultures

She went to a restaurant, so that would not have been the reason.

OhHolyNightWaking · 30/10/2019 14:39

Place marking (sorry!)

Butterflycookie · 30/10/2019 15:48

I’d like to know how she gets on in India. Don’t think she’d be able to get away with that sort of behaviour there. Let us know if you have an updates from family members from India on her behaviour.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 30/10/2019 15:59

Hmm, "always resting with a headache". Makes me wonder re her job, did she jump or was she pushed?

Ginfordinner · 30/10/2019 16:40

You need a mole in India to update you

happycamper11 · 30/10/2019 17:11

India might be more up her street if the family are wealthy with a large house, more favourable wether, more opulence and possibility of staff to empty the food filled bins

frazzledasarock · 30/10/2019 17:22

Actually now this has reminded me of my friends aunty.

Aunty was always indisposed with some ailment or another, usually headaches as she did soooo much.

Aunty lived in India was from a very wealthy family married to an insanely wealthy man who utterly doted on aunty. He was always talking about how wonderful she was and how much she did and how she was so delicate etc etc.

As far as friend and I could see aunty did very little apart from take to her bed very often and go out to meet her friends or host parties. They had staff for everything and the aunty was also very highly educated.

My friend was always in awe how attentive aunty husband was always doing stuff for her and worrying about her and stuff. As my friends mum did work really hard and everyone just expected it as given and friends dad definitely didn’t revere her the way aunty husband did.

I can definitely see that aunty behaving like this guest.

UmmH · 30/10/2019 18:02

OP, if she behaves the same way when they return, I would go in the room, sit on the bed and say 'What's wrong?' Convince her that whatever she tells you won't go any further. This could be your only opportunity to help her if she really is suffering from some condition or circumstance. If she says 'nothing' then I think you are well within your rights to gently point out how rude her behaviour is.

As others have said, you sound very kind, patient and hospitable Flowers.

Ginfordinner · 30/10/2019 18:50

If she says 'nothing' then I think you are well within your rights to gently point out how rude her behaviour is.

Very tempting, isn't it.

TulipsTulipsTulips · 30/10/2019 19:36

OP I’ve just read through this and really hope your DH’s cousin’s wife will be ok. Obviously something is wrong and it sounds like you did everything you could.

On an un-related note- I am in owe of your hosting and cooking skills!! How do you manage cooking for 30 people? I love the idea of hosting but in practice find it incredibly tiring and end up wishing everyone would leave so I can rest!

Blondebakingmumma · 30/10/2019 20:21

I may be totally off but many people fast now. I’m in a FB group and many people in the group only have an eating window of 2-4 hours a day. I was wondering with the uneaten food if she is possibly fasting and didn’t want to upset you by not eating the food you prepared and that’s why she tried to discretely hide it?

Haworthia · 30/10/2019 20:32

I think you’re grabbing at straws there. If you were fasting, it’s be basic manners to TELL people, not let them prepare you food, take the food, and then bin it.

PotteryLottery · 30/10/2019 21:33

Is she young i.e. early twenties? An arrogance from not having been a host herself? Combined with an early pregnancy and social anxiety.

I'm British Asian and find it funny how some posters think it is due to her period as she is American Indian Hmm.

I think you just have to put up with the next overnight stay, and then say you or your children have already booked staying guests if they want to come again next year.

bringbackthesun · 30/10/2019 21:50

I feel so sorry for the poor woman Sad I hope she gets over whatever is troubling her

Original poster
hangingabout · 30/10/2019 22:13

So funny that people are still chatting Grin No word from India, but will be sure to update.
Smother - I do take on board what you’re saying, but I can’t just come out and accuse someone of DV based on this. I do realise people hide can in plain sight, of course, but my gut feeling didn’t lead me to that conclusion at this time.

About the mass catering. I do find it hard work, to be absolutely honest, but if it’s a lot if people I get ready beforehand - eg. make a tagine and then reheat and add the meat or fish etc. Or curries. I have spoken to DH today because he wants me to do a dinner party at the weekend for some business contacts. This is what he’s like. He has no clue. I have this time said that I need to get caterers in - because why not? I said I’m finding it too much and there’s really good Thai caterers a friend has used who come and just take all the mess with them, plus it probably doesn’t cost much more, by the time you’ve bought all the ingredients. So I will be using “staff” this time Grin

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 31/10/2019 05:15

Why doesn't he just take them to a restaurant OP?

If its for business, why do you carry the cost of entertaining clients?

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