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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
Charley50 · 29/10/2019 23:02

OP can't revoke the invite!! Don't suggest that! We all need to know the next bit...

I actually feel like going down to Paddy Power and putting a bet on, but can't decide between 'up her own arse princess, controlling husband, or early onset dementia.' And now crystal meth comedown is in the mix I don't know what to do? Maybe an accumulator?

Charley50 · 29/10/2019 23:02

I think you sound lovely too OP.

Slappadabass · 29/10/2019 23:14

People are so odd!

Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 23:17

Some of these posts have made me laugh a lot so thankyou so much for that. I had no idea the thread would go on like this - all about a woman in a room who basically did nothing!

My husband is out tonight, but I will talk to him. He tends to be very matter-of-fact sometimes but I don’t think I’d describe him as controlling Confused He has done a fair bit for my family over the years, such as going to get them by car from another country when my mum wasn’t keen on flying. He has helped them with their house and generally put up with them in allsorts of ways and even though they can kick off at any given moment, he would never be rude to them. So I just wanted to give that side in case I’ve given a biased impression.

Thanks again for keeping me sane!

OP posts:
manicmij · 29/10/2019 23:17

Seems strange her husband thinks it's okay for his wife to stay in a bedroom for 3 days without offering any reason other than lying down. Glad you have made visual contact now though. Very strange.

penisbeakers · 29/10/2019 23:43

Oh for goodness sake. All this drip feeding. The only way you will know is asking her directly in an unmoving manner, something is very amiss here or she is just plain bloody rude. Either way it needs dealing with. 🙄

RosamundButterfly · 30/10/2019 00:36

Resting my arse

Grin

This thread has been interesting. I think she’s just a stuck up cow for what it’s worth

spookysamhainwitch · 30/10/2019 00:43

Is she pregnant??? Might explain the not eating and she might be too nauseous to actually have a conversation with anyone!

It is all very strange and other worldly though. I'd be so uncomfortable in my own home if a guest behaved like this.

Regretfulandstupid · 30/10/2019 01:29

My ex was DV to me. I didn't know until I was 5 months pregnant, that he was like that. I had known him all through primary and secondary school. I was closed friends with his sibling too and his mother was a dinner lady and I knew her. Little did I know, or anyone else, that under the happy go lucky facade he was a violent and abusive person. Narcs hide it well, and I her Husband has likely hid it by avoiding being at your home and in her company at the same time.

I'm also an autistic introvert with agrophobia and chronic pain , and I would and have hidden away from my PIL due to my sensory sensitivities and need to be alone. They probably think I am weird, but I know my DH reminds them of my ASD and explains my absence. Her husband needs to be more forthcoming if it's all innocent.

However, the meal ordering is a huge red flag for me.

B9ddy · 30/10/2019 06:41

Its your house!
Knock loudly and shout out her name then enter boldly
If rudeness its totally unacceptable
Is she is unhappy find out why
If ill ring a doctor
She could be arrogant depressed or shooting up heroin ...
Take control

MummyNeedsDisaronno · 30/10/2019 07:06

I wonder how she will be when they stay at yours again after India?

Just rude, she should've stayed in a hotel if she just wanted to stay hidden in a room

Dillydallyalltheway · 30/10/2019 07:11

Was it an arranged marriage? Maybe she’s really really unhappy and missing her family.if this is all very new to her she might be really struggling.

nakedavengeragain · 30/10/2019 07:13

Off topic but why... when a thread has been going for two days with 800 replies... do some new posters decide that what the thread needs is a reply that says 'knock on the door, she is rude'.

Have you tried that OP? Hmm what about cancelling the cheque?

GoFiguire · 30/10/2019 07:29

I think you should be a polite hostess and put up with her behaviour when they come next time. At least you know what to expect. And then you get a thousand million triple brownie points with your dh and can remind him of this in the decades to come.

Tinkerbelle57 · 30/10/2019 07:44

RUDE !!
No other explanation
If she was shy, I’ll, tired, anxious or upset she should have the guts to speak to you and say to your face why she is staying in the bedroom. It’s not a hotel !!!! However, I do think they should have stayed in one.
I would not have taken up food for her, I would have taken up a drink and said lunch/dinner is downstairs at about ?pm.
I would say to the cousin it isn’t acceptable to behave like that and your offended.
She’s behaving like a spoilt princess. Rude

Alpal1 · 30/10/2019 08:00

What happened? Was she ok?

isthismylifenow · 30/10/2019 08:56

Naked, yes the new cancelling the cheque is now, can you just knock on the door.

Alpal..... Hmm

chocorabbit · 30/10/2019 09:49

Now you know what to do when they come again. Prepare meals as usual but let her come downstairs to eat if she wants without asking for her. Of course her assertive and overconfident husband will ask you "can you make tea & biscuits/roti and I will take them upstairs" but at least you know that you can leave the house without asking 1000 questions or leaving messages. If they ask answer "oh, I had to go out, last time she made it clear that she doesn't need me and that's fine so since we had to go out we just left". If her husband makes any remarks that she might have needed you ask him quizzically while tilting your head in a sympathetic but curious way "you are right, she is your wife, you know her better. Well, why didn't you stay to keep her some company or take her with you. If the two of you can't decide to stay together I don't think she would listen to me Grin ".

happycamper11 · 30/10/2019 09:56

I'm too invested in this... please update when they return OP 😬

Localocal · 30/10/2019 10:16

Please tell us what happened when you checked on her? Pregnant? Ill? Shy? Regretting her marriage altogether? Agoraphobic? Jet lag can be awful, but there is usually SOME part of the day when you feel semi-alert and could socialise.

iknowimallmine · 30/10/2019 10:37

I don't think she has mental health problems. She seems more like to have an attitude problem. I am asian and asian parents tend to exaggerate their kids accomplishments. Is she the only child? If she is from as rich background as you say she is then she might not feel like you are upto her standard and is just keeping her distance from you. Same goes for food. She might be sociable but only in her circle.

And why does everyone assume that the husband might be abusive? From what OP has said it doesn't feel like he is the abusive one but she is. OP has said that he adores her but the way she is behaving it doesn't seem to reciprocated and appears to me that she is being the abusive one. He is the one trying to make excuses for her behaviour. If it was an arranged marriage then she might be thinking that she has had to settle for less.

hoxtonbabe · 30/10/2019 10:56

@iknowimallmine

I totally agree. As the poster updates it’s sounding less like a MH issue or some kind of suffering and more like “my shit don’t stink” attitude especially re the “is the car open” comment and then swanning off and put her earphones in Hmm

Not sure about the hubby being abused, but he certainly seems to be entertaining her ways.

SlightlyWizenedHead · 30/10/2019 10:56

marking place for the return in 12 days time......

Butttons · 30/10/2019 11:04

me too!

thenightsky · 30/10/2019 11:06

She seems more like to have an attitude problem

Yes I agree with this. I think a big clue was when her husband came home and said 'oh, resting is she?' Like he was used to her using this excuse to opt out.