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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:

FelicisNox · 29/10/2019 20:41

30 pages and none the wiser!

DishingOutDone · 29/10/2019 20:47

You keep telling us all the bizarre things she's up to but very few people are calling you on your own odd behaviour. You can't speak to the cousin? Every single time you are with him, you can't speak to him? Or your H? You can't say "this is either very rude or very worrying"? You ask the guy "is your wife ok?" so he gets to say yes fine. Why not say to him your wife is clearly not ok and I'd like an explanation?

expat101 · 29/10/2019 20:59

Have you shown Hubby the food in the bin? That is taking the p*ss out of your hospitality.

Sounds to me they should stay elsewhere next visit. And if they don't, then no more food delivered to the room by you!

Celestine70 · 29/10/2019 21:02

The woman obviously has depression and most likely crippling anxiety. I actually have suffered in the past and in a very similar situation when I visited my husband's family who I had never met before. I couldn't face meeting so many new people and would retire to my room whenever I could. There also seems to be maybe an unhappy marriage which may be abusive or at least the husband sounds like he may be dominerring. Also I find your own attitude poor and it's only one weekend and it's clear the woman has problems. But you just talk about how she is rude and what an inconvenience it is for you. You should have just told your husband to stop going out and deal with it seeing as it is his family. I would have made more effort to talk to her and ask her what is wrong.

PepsiMaxCherry · 29/10/2019 21:06

Hi @hangingabout

The way you said she was pushed into studying and guided to the correct job and the way she has behaved through out this visit makes me think shes been wrapped in cotton wool all her life. As long as she becomes successful, nothing else should bother her.

Im Indian and growing up ny parents would tell me i have to study and become this etc etc and after marraige i can do whatever i want so maybe now that shes married, maybe she feels she can be herself and do something shes interested in.

I also suffer from social anxiety, i remember this one time i went to meet with my DH(bf at the time) friends for the 1st time, i was so nervous i didnt say a word, i was so scared of looking dumb and rambling on that i didnt say anything. I was sooo embarrassed after but i too laughed at others jokes and didnt participate.

mokapot · 29/10/2019 21:07

Why are you being so obtuse as to realize your lack of communication like this house guest is utterly bizzare? Ask her bloody husband and probe an explanation

You : hey so what’s going on with x?
Cousin: she’s fine. What do you mean
You: well it’s a bit odd to say the least she hasn’t come out / eaten/ had a piss etc in the 3 days she’s here and we haven’t seen her.
I hope we haven’t upset her
Cousin: no , not at all: she’s just utterly rude

inappropriateraspberry · 29/10/2019 21:10

Reading all that, if I were you, I would just say she was rude and stuck-up. In your shoes, I would have given her a couple of chances to come downstairs, then informed her that the family are doing whatever and she'll have to stay in on her own. I'd have made no provisions for her unless she showed interest in participating i meals, activities etc. She knew where the kitchen was if she got hungry.
Don't tie yourself in knots when they come back. Just let them both do their own thing and you do yours.

Delatron · 29/10/2019 21:16

OP did ask the husband. He just brushed it off.

Andylion · 29/10/2019 21:16

I think the way the husband keeps minimizing the whole thing, "she's just resting", etc, indicates that he is part of the problem.

Andylion · 29/10/2019 21:18

And I agree with @mokapot

Why are you being so obtuse as to realize your lack of communication like this house guest is utterly bizzare? Ask her bloody husband and probe an explanation

OP, your reaction to all this is equally weird.

Lweji · 29/10/2019 21:20

Why are you being so obtuse as to realize your lack of communication like this house guest is utterly bizzare? Ask her bloody husband and probe an explanation

She did. He didn't explain anything.

BlackSwan · 29/10/2019 21:24

I would revoke the invite for the overnight stay. She wants to behave like a stranger? There's a price. No hospitality for you.

Original poster

hangingabout · 29/10/2019 21:25

I suppose for whatever reason, I just didn’t feel as if I could probe the cousin further. When I say I know him well, what I mean is, I’ve known him almost 20 years, but he lives in SF so it’s not as if I have regular chat with him. And so don’t know her at all, so I had nothing to go on.

Maybe I have my own issues and am being a bit OTT? I was always brought up that when people come you need to feed them! I’ve had this installed from an early age by my mother and friends do laugh at me sometimes. So that’s on me..

OP posts:

Delatron · 29/10/2019 21:26

Well the OP has done far more than I would. She has knocked and asked her if she is ok, she has brought up food to her. She has spoken to the cousin (in the car outside M&S if you’ve read the thread).

I would have given up and gone out a long time ago. And I’d refuse to have her back. We’re all different but the OP has tried to get to the bottom of this.

Interestedwoman · 29/10/2019 21:47

It does sound like she has some health problem such as depression, or may even be preg as a PP has said.

How she's acting doesn't seem to gel with everything you've been told about her. Hopefully, she'll eventually recover in time, and you'll get to meet the 'real' her.

Branster · 29/10/2019 22:08

OP, allow me to say I think you are a very welcoming hostess and are very kind to attend to others’ needs like you do.
I think you did the most you could under the circumstances and asking her outright if everything is OK and try to get too close wouldn’t have made any difference. After all she doesn’t know you and she wouldn’t confide in you especially as you could potentially pass on everything she says to the whole extended family.
She had to do her duty, tick some boxes and move on. She did her part of the bargain as far as she’s concerned - she might not like her husbands family at all and you are part of it however lovely you are.
She might have been brought up in cotton wool and very spoilt, she might have seen London a-dozen times before with her own family.
Their whole trip is a show for the benefit of her husband and she has to go along with it.
However, relatives tend to exaggerate accomplishments so there might be an element of make believe about her. A lot is to do with appearances and following tradition.
You shouldn’t talk too much about her to your husband’s family because that would be gossiping and it’s not very nice, just keep it light and brief and don’t criticise her to any of them. If she behaves like this everywhere she goes, others will bring out her behaviour.
If I were you, I’d go and visit cousin and new wife at their home next spring for a bit of fun. Although I suspect she’d have someone helping her like her mother or hired help.

PlentyOfBiscuitsWithTea · 29/10/2019 22:08

This is your house OP!!!!! Tell your DH you’re not feeling like guests again, something has come up and can they please sort other accommodation. It sounds like it wouldn’t be a financial stretch for the cousin and his rude wife who may or may not have MH issues and she might benefit from being in her own place.
Aside from the strange behaviour of the woman, the thing that most strikes me in this thread is the controlling relationship you are in OP. It’s 2019 and you live in London. You deserve to be an equal in your partnership.

ASongOfRiceAndPeas · 29/10/2019 22:29

I haven’t commented on anything for months but have been lurking - but I just logged in to chuckle at:

Is house guest ill, pregnant, anxious or rude? Did she emerge for Thai meal? How many outfits did she wear? Did she partake of a nibble of prawn toast? Find out next week on I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered.

LOL

Ginfordinner · 29/10/2019 22:30

I think the way the husband keeps minimizing the whole thing, "she's just resting", etc, indicates that he is part of the problem.

I'm inclined to agree.

Sewrainbow · 29/10/2019 22:30

Princess theory for me! Or else empty headed...

She treated your home like a hotel. Did she think staff would empty the bin? Your other descriptions of her didn't describe her as rude per se just rather beneath her contempt. She felt no need to culture a relationship with you or your children and was perfunctionally polite when required but with no feeling or attempt to make interesting conversation.

strivingforjustice · 29/10/2019 22:40

SuzieSunhine I was thinking just that by page 10 alone... this is like a gripping novel and I’m rarely on

The OP has such a natural genuineness in her lengthy thread but how did she get time to catering to all these people and her DC’s ... I’m feeling rather inadeqaute!

Bluerussian · 29/10/2019 22:42

I'm glad it's all over now. You'll never know the reason for her odd behaviour. Does your husband have any idea what it is about? If he does he should tell you, your concern about the woman is real and that is the least he can do. Of course, he may not have much of an idea too.

You did everything right, you can content yourself with that. I'm sorry things have been so difficult for you but I expect you're glad to have your house to yourself again.

Crisps69 · 29/10/2019 22:49

The comedown from crystal meth can be quite harsh.

Charley50 · 29/10/2019 22:55

@Crisps69 😂😂😂

Alwaysstressed999 · 29/10/2019 22:56

OP I think you sound lovely and you wanted to spend some time with her and she’s behaved like that! I’m sure they could have offered a better explanation for it! 🤔

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