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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 19:07

NightOwl - that’s interesting Thankyou.

I also thought maybe she has OCD in some way because of the way she seemed to be constantly packing and sorting things. But maybe she had brought her own snacks and was looking for that?

OP posts:
Delatron · 29/10/2019 19:09

Well if you must host her again then leave her to it. No meals, no food sent up on trays, no eating out. Arrange to be out and tell your DH why.

Scarydinosaurs · 29/10/2019 19:10

When she comes back, could you do a little basket of snacks? Things like sesame seed bars etc so then you can feel less like you have to keep checking on her?

I agree, you shouldn’t feel as if you are a prisoner in your own home just because you have a guest. At least it’s just one day next time.

Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 19:10

If I did that, he would think I want to divorce him Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 19:11

Sorry, that was to Delatron and Northern.

OP posts:
morriseysquif · 29/10/2019 19:14

@Prawnofthepatriarchy

I was just thinking the same, she behaved like royalty or an over indulged celebrity. Frankly, she was downright rude, as was her husband who expected her to be indulged like a child. She seemed to lack all the social norms where you know you are inconveniencing people because in her world, that is what she is used to.

I would not be having them back.

Realitea · 29/10/2019 19:16

I’ve done what she did a few times. It’s been really interesting reading about people’s views on it. It’s not normal to do it and there’s is always a reason. Hers could be anything but here’s mine. I had such crippling anxiety that I couldn’t face so many people when staying at the in laws. There would only be about 6 there at the time but I just couldn’t cope. I felt they were all judging me and talking about me behind my back and of course they weren’t, I just imagined all this. I wanted to hide away in order to cope. This would always be following a row with dh (we’re fine now thanks to counselling) and it wasn’t to give people the silent treatment at all. It was a coping strategy.
So I hope others don’t judge so harshly if they ever have a guest that does this.

Queenest · 29/10/2019 19:18

I wouldn’t be taking any food up to the room next time - particularly as she’s been hiding it in the bin. How rude of her to stay in her room whilst she’s a guest in your home.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 29/10/2019 19:21

She seemed to lack all the social norms where you know you are inconveniencing people because in her world, that is what she is used to.

Exactly. She didn't feel a need to interact with OP any more than she would strike up a conversation with hotel staff. Just that formal little statement as she left, which possibly her DH had requested.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2019 19:24

She sounds to me to be someone who feels completely trapped and is desperately unhappy. She’s married to someone who appears to be completely ignoring her distress and is probably being told by other family members how ‘lucky’ she is to have made such an ‘advantageous’ marriage. No wonder she appears to be paralyzed within herself. I pity her.

RandomUsernameHere · 29/10/2019 19:25

It sounds like you have handled the whole situation really tactfully, OP. Let's hope she is ok.

SpecialKRocks223 · 29/10/2019 19:28

Well, whatever the situation is OP, you sound like a really nice person and a good host. If I come to London can I stay with you please? I promise to come downstairs 😀

Lemongrasssugar · 29/10/2019 19:30

These used you as a stop over until they got to their real holiday. She didnt make an effort because she didnt see the point. Like leaving the airport when you have a connecting flight.

Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 19:38

Thankyou for the kind comments. I do try, in my own way Confused.
Yes I think she maybe saw us as the airport stopover quite possibly. But why stopover for that long?

OP posts:
DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 29/10/2019 19:40

Unless I’ve missed something (Phone being a bit dodgy at loading TFT) I really would think pregnancy!
-Hiding in the room
-Throwing away food on the quiet
-Barely eating on the first night
-Not wanting to go out and do things

I’ve suffered horribly with my pregnancy (HG) and completely failed at hiding it! We had to tell all family by 8 weeks due to how sick I was - but her behaviour sounds similar to me in the early days!

  • Personally, in her shoes, I would have had a quiet word with you when I first could get you alone and let you know why I may seem ‘rude’ but she may have cultural/social pressures I’m unaware of.

I know my friend (who has lost before) would have rather died than told anybody before her 12 week scan!

Nearly47 · 29/10/2019 19:49

I think her husband is the guilty one for leaving her alone in a stranger's house if she is like that. I am sure it is not just rudeness because who is really happy to be locked alone in a room for two days? And the fact that she was laughing and responding when people talked suggests that she is very shy as this is typical behaviour. Only talking when she is talked to and having her husband order for her. A bit like a shy child. Try and gather more information before they return. You might be able to help.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 29/10/2019 19:52

I felt they were all judging me and talking about me behind my back and of course they weren’t, I just imagined all this.

Ironically, the act of hiding because you think they're talking about you does almost certainly make them talk about you, I'm afraid.

I have a relative who would never want to join family gatherings "because they all gossip about me", and I always wondered how she didn't twig that it was her absence that made them gossip! If you turn up, say boring standard things and then head off early, they gossip far less... I discovered this early Grin

Jadey16 · 29/10/2019 19:55

If they are that loaded then why can’t they book a lavish hotel to stay in London? If she thinks your house is a cardboard box then why would she want to come again.

The food in the bin makes me think she may be suffering with an eating disorder. I have suffered with an eating disorder for 16 years on and off and at times the idea of eating a meal is terrifying. The husband who ordered for her, you may find she had already looked on the online menu and worked out what she could eat to fit her diet? Just an idea.

Or maybe she’s just really rude!

springydaff · 29/10/2019 20:12

What a curious situation.

Reading through the thread unlike some people I'm also wondering if she is used to being like a royal Princess and acts accordingly. It was the departure that seemed a giveaway to me. She will probably dazzle in India like a visiting celebrity.

I say this because for many years I hosted international students. Most of them were wealthy, some eye-wateringly wealthy. I couldn't help noticing that the more wealthy, the more neurotic. They were absolutely used to getting what they want when they want and how they want. It was entirely out of their orbit to countenance anything out of their experience, they simply didn't have the imagination for it. They treated me, quite kindly sometimes but usually not, as staff. Maybe she unthinkingly assumed staff would empty the bin.

But I was hosting kids from a different culture and she's an adult from a culture not dissimilar to our own. Maybe clossetted uber privilege goes across the board.. Add to this that exemplary hospitality is the norm, expected, in your husband's/cousin's culture and I can quite see that using your house as a hotel would not be considered offensive.

Either that or she's pg and feeling rough. Or her husband is controlling her (just bcs you've known him for years doesn't mean he isn't btw! These types hide in plain sight). He told her to leave her job? Or suggested. That sounds a klaxon in our culture but maybe not theirs. You've got to consider the wealth culture as well as the indigenous culture.

I'd put my money on the Princess theory, myself. All that gliding and wafting about she did seemed like an uber privileged Princess to me.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 29/10/2019 20:12

Agoraphobia of some kind, plus an eating disorder? Poor woman. Sounds as if she just can’t cope at the moment, for whatever reason.

LynetteScavo · 29/10/2019 20:17

Well we're probably never going to get the real answer.

It seems she dues have some sort of anxiety, and whether that's regarding food or socialising or what ever we can't possibly know.

I would raise it with family when the next phone. Say you are concerned, but want to host her in the most appropriate way. They may squirm but it dyes need to be addressed sensitively.

If she is ever to stay again I think you need to take control and say "we're leaving for Harrods at 10am tomorrow morning" and then give her an hours notice. If she doesn't to want to go she will have to
say so, or her DH will fit her.

If she's well educated I think she'll understand homes in London/Paris etc aren't sprawling villas, even if your very reasonably well off.

I suspect she's terrified of going to India. She'll probably be exactly the same there.

I would actually write to her once she's home and tell her how much you enjoyed her visit, saying you understand how stressful travelling and staying with strangers can be. I actually feel really sorry for her.

oabiti · 29/10/2019 20:20

She's not right to spend virtually the whole weekend in her dressing gown potentially, just stuck in one room and not eating enough to keep a bird alive.

She good have brought loads of goodies with her, though...just a thought.

SuzieSunshine · 29/10/2019 20:20

Oh OP you must promise, that when this thread fills up, that you start a new one. I don't think I'll be able to function properly if I never find out what happens after their next impending stopover. 12 days and counting down!!

jigglybits · 29/10/2019 20:30

I think she might be Autistic.

KronksSpinachPuffs · 29/10/2019 20:33

How peculiar! I agree, when they come back for 1 night in a couple of weeks dont offer them anything.

Perhaps a huge wedding that was out of control + burnout in her career has = anxiety and an eating disorder as she may feel it's the only thing she can control?