I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

[hangingabout]

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

Why would you say she left it in the bin for OP to find? She wrapped it in paper, so she didn’t mean the food to be found.

Also, when I put something in a bin I don’t expect people to rummage after me.

It’s a mystery I reckon you won’t solve. But as I read the thread, I did think your dh was rude to expect all of this hospitality from you while he swanned off with the make guest. He seems to expect you to serve, d didn’t seem in the slightest concerned that he was kind of holding you and the teenagers hostage, in effect, while you waited at home.

Sounds like you are being used as a hotel and babysitter for the wife. I would fake Illness and say it’s not convenient for them to stay! You sound like you have gone out of your to accommodate them and her behaviour is just plain rude! If she was struggling the the DH should have given you a heads up he sounds like a nob. Who cares if they are family I would put a stop to them treating you like shite!!

Do the fairies empty your bin Chardonnay?

Ive never heard anything like this. On one hand I’m thinking there must be some sort of mental breakdown, then I’m thinking she’s coming across very princess like/fragile but in a Maris Crane way. Then I read about the food being thrown out and thinking well it could be a ED or is it that she just doesn’t like the food or trust the OPs cooking?!?

I’m from a similar culture and I can relate to a lot of what the OP is saying especially about how on earth is she going to manage in India where expectations are much higher and elders of the family will have no qualms on blatantly calling her ( and the hubby!) out.

She mentioned she wanted to get things from M&S to give to people when they get to India but if she’s isolating herself like this how is she going to manage that/give them ???

It would be interesting to know how she is when she gets to India and if her behaviour changes significantly.

Maybe she just doesn’t like my food??? Or me? Who knows?

Only way you are going to know is to suck it up and ask her if everything's ok when they return or if you ask the DH mother, can your husbands mother ask her? Or can you mention it to your mil?

It's really weird, i wouldn't put food in a bathroom bin to smell, I would put it out on a tray if I was sick or bring it down myself.

Are you sure she's not MY sister in Law? Because she did exactly the same. Partly she is lazy as hell. I don't think it is acceptable to visit and go to bed with no explanation. Say so!

Unless I’ve turned into a fairy, then no. Although DH does too, but he’s no fairy either, to the best of my knowledge.

But I don’t go checking the contents when I do. I would never go unwrapping the loo roll from things in the bin, especially after visitors.

is there a stark difference to the house she lives in and yours? does she have staff to help at home or when she was growing up? I met a wealthy Indian woman years ago, she had moved to London with her husband, no staff. She had never washed her own hair, prepared her own food, she couldnt cope. Do you think she's the same?

I would knock and ask if she is ok

@Mrsjayy they're coming back to stay for one night in 12 days (on their way back from India I presume).

I don’t think she was rude at all. She had her own plan, and your DH and her DH let you down on the communication.

I disagree. If she did want to just chill out in a room for 48 hours, she should have contacted OP in advance and said “This is what I would like to do, is that OK in your house? I won’t expect you to bring me any food, I will sort myself out. If you’re not comfortable with that, we’ll book a hotel and DH will come and spend time with you.”

To just assume you can do that in a stranger’s house without any communication IS rude, IMO. Whatever the reason - illness, breakdown, severe jet lag, feeling overwhelmed - either she or her DH should have made OP aware of the circumstances.

This is an interesting thread. There could be a whole bunch of reasons the cousin’s wife is like this. However, I think you can mark this one down as not really your problem. This is a distant enough relation that you don’t need to get involved (and it sounds as though she doesn’t want you to).

I know that you’ve said that you wouldn’t be okay with telling your husband that you’re leaving him to it. Please could I ask that you reconsider? Taking the children and spending a night at your parents’ (if that is an option) while your husband has some reasonably distant relatives to stay is okay. If you’d worry about being rude, ask your husband to say that you had some family emergency.

There are times to stick your neck out but I’m not sure that this is one of those times.

A PP ages back suggested snobbery as a reason and that has made increasing sense to me as I've read your updates.

Given that you and your DH have been close to his DCousin for many years and you're sure he's unlikely to be abusive, why won't he tell you why his wife won't interact with you? He could surely drop a hint that she's ill or Pg?

The obvious answer is that he can't bring himself to tell you the truth. She thinks you're beneath her and he doesn't want to hurt or insult you.

The day after my SIL and BIL visited from Canada they walked into town. They seemed a bit weird. When they got back they were much more jolly. They said they had been very concerned by how poor we must be when they arrived. They were worrying about being an extra expense. Then they'd seen house prices locally. Their house in Canada was five times the size. Ours was worth more.

If your guests are super privileged Americans she probably thinks your house in London is one step up from a cardboard box. She probably feels she was misled, was horrified by the size of her room and may see you and your family as members of an underclass.

This would account for her appearance when going to the restaurant, the lifting over puddles business. But the clincher for me was her departure. A meaningless platitude followed by a swift move to the departing car. Bit like a royal visit. Not wanting a photo - it all fits. You were all beneath her notice.

definitely some cover up I would want to know what was going on in my house, it also sounds very rude that no one has told you why she isn't coming out, I don't buy jet lagged or ill, your house your room you enter!!

When I was early pregnant with one of my DC I could neither eat much nor stay awake for more than ten min at a time, and I did have to visit some of DH’s family during that time! I was mortified as I literally slept in my room the entire week. Could it be something like that maybe? Probably grasping at straws, she does sound fairly odd.

Knock go in and say im calling a doctor who will be here shortly.
No ifs no buts. Hisband seems a right tosser.

Stevesone1 - you need to catch up. They have left for India

Anorexia? Bulimia?

Could you pour her a drink of fresh juice and knock and ask if you can bring her in a drink. Ask if she is feeling ill.

They’re coming back in 12 days but only for one night this time. I don’t feel as if I can say no because it’s family.
Humbug. If family is so important then why didn't she make more effort with you and the DC? It cuts both ways.

Cancel the stopover. They can go to an airport hotel. That will probably save you from being roped into taxi service, too.

So many responses, I don’t know what to think. Prawn, that’s such a funny story about the Canadian relatives. Interesting - I wonder if she does see us as living in a cardboard box? I mean it’s a fairly large house by London standards, but nothing to her parents house which resembled something off “Dynasty” . Yes they probably have staff. DH is quite regarded as being the most successful in the family though, but maybe she just goes on the fact she was in an attic room with no closet? It’s a different concept of space, I guess. They probably find it claustrophobic.

There's a PP who mentioned Body Dysmorphic Disorder which explains heavy makeup on a night out, taking ages to choose clothes and avoiding photos. It wouldn't be a far jump from there to an ED.

I have emetophobia and have problems eating food prepared by other people due to uncertain hygiene. I've also discarded many things wrapped in paper/tissues to prevent people from finding out. Although using your own bin is very cheeky...she was possibly hoping that you'd discard the entire thing without looking inside.

Emetophobia is also closely related to travel & social anxiety so it's not unreasonable for her to be wiped out after a long-haul flight. It's possible she had "safe foods" in her suitcase such as crackers, cereal bars, biscuits etc and she simply lived on those for 3 days. Emetophobia is not an ED but sufferers often have high anxiety surrounding food and can often go for days without eating. If she thought she was exposed to norovirus in the plane she might have been starving out the incubation period. Eating in a restaurant isn't always an indicator as emetophobes go for safe dishes (noodles, rice, vegetable options) that have been cooked at high temps.

However this is just a wild theory. A lot of her other behaviours don't fit the classic social anxiety mould (fear of being judged), unless she's so far gone that she doesn't even care what people think anymore

Cru - I couldn’t tell my DH that I’m not prepared to host his family members (even if they are peculiar) because he would think that was very selfish. He would expect me to want to do this, regardless of him, if that makes sense.

To be fair, he has been very kind to my family over the years and they are nuts, quite frankly. There is no other description for it. They are from a Med country and still live there. I’ve been here since I was 19/20 though.

When they do come back, I wouldn't take her up any food or drinks. if she wants stuff then she can eat with you or help herself to drinks etc. I really wouldn't trouble yourself. I'd also probably arrange to be out that evening too and leave stuff to DH.