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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
Findumdum1 · 29/10/2019 17:02

Bad OCD?

But if so why didnt the cousin just discretley mention it beforehand and you would have accepted it.

Applesanbananas · 29/10/2019 17:06

What a rude woman. She sounds creepy as well. It doesnt matter what your issues or problems are, you dont go stay in someone's home and do what she did. Absolutely unacceptable.

TatianaLarina · 29/10/2019 17:08

If she didn’t eat your sandwiches, did she eat anything at all when she was there? Could she have brought her own food?

That might point to HG but also to an ED.

Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 17:09

Yes Punch, I know exactly what you mean about keeping up appearances and I do wonder if the DH is in denial to some extent.
The kissing of the parents and PILs feet did happen at the end of the ceremony and I did wonder, “When did that become a thing?” because Im sure I’ve not seen it happen before.

These are super-privileged Americans tbh. This cousin, in his younger days, came to stay with us once for months. This was when I’d just had DC1. DH was expected to drive him here and there eg places like Oxford and other days out. Often several uni friends of his who also happened to be in London would come along for the lift. None of them ever paid anything or even offered. His family would expect us to fund him for however long. We are ten years older, but that was a tricky time when so had a new baby. To be fair, they are very hospitable when we go over there, so can’t complain in that respect. But they do expect you to make an effort and being anti-social wouldn’t go down well with anyone.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 29/10/2019 17:11

She left them for you to find? That’s awful.

Also- wtf did she eat??

Could it be an ED?

CanISpeakToYourManager · 29/10/2019 17:15

I wonder what she ate at the restaurant.

justasking111 · 29/10/2019 17:16

Did she eat at the restaurant?

Beveren · 29/10/2019 17:18

Sounds very much as if she has an eating disorder.

1984isnow · 29/10/2019 17:21

Do you think it could be because you're not from the same background (assuming you're not as you said earlier you learned to cook their food etc)?

I think it's possible your dh knows more, cousin might have confided in him about something and that's why they were both just acting as though it was normal, in the hope you wouldn't ask.

Mrsjayy · 29/10/2019 17:22

It gets odder and odder however she probably has an eating disorder if shethrew her food away I know its family etc etc but hopefully you can avoid another visit any time soon.

Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 17:24

Yes she ate at the restaurant and she ate at lunch today. But in the bin there was toast wrapped up and sandwiches and even manky fruit pieces in loo roll. So I don’t think she ate all day yesterday before dinner. She might have had the brunch things I took up the previous day, or maybe he brought that tray down, but I didn’t see that in the bin.

Maybe she just doesn’t like my food??? Or me? Who knows?

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 29/10/2019 17:30

Could she have an eating disorder?

Just a thought. Something going on that you are not aware of.
Their behaviour has been far from good.

middlemuddle · 29/10/2019 17:31

I think she sounds ill in some way but has perhaps asked for it not to be shared, and maybe isn't quite ready to deal with it publicly. I would be concerned about her rather than worried she doesn't like you, I'm sure that's not the case. People aren't usually so obvious about it lol.

bonitabowbows · 29/10/2019 17:41

Either she is unwell or they had an argument and she doesn’t want to show something is wrong , either ways it’s a bet rude your house is not a b&b , I would knock and say am just checking on you at a bet worried , her man should have given more of an explanation really .

Lovemenorca · 29/10/2019 17:41

DH was expected to drive him here and there eg places like Oxford and other days out. Often several uni friends of his who also happened to be in London would come along for the lift. None of them ever paid anything or even offered. His family would expect us to fund him for however long.

I’m presuming DH is a grown-assed adult? Why couldn’t he have been clear with this 18/19 year old?

pantsville · 29/10/2019 17:45

Could be feeling homesick. I’ve been exactly the same.

katsotti · 29/10/2019 17:47

If that were me I'd think she didn't like me

Lovemenorca · 29/10/2019 17:48

Could be feeling homesick. I’ve been exactly the same.

Most of us have been homesick before. When you were homesick, did you behave like this?

Aunaturalmama · 29/10/2019 17:51

Her husband will do just fine to check in on her. She either doesn’t like you, is painfully shy/socially awkward, or very ill. Either way I would just leave her alone personally

CurryAndCobra · 29/10/2019 17:52

Surely you must ask her why she has been this way and why she refuses to eat? I would, if someone did what she did in my house. Come on, OP. Stop tip toeing around her.

Aunaturalmama · 29/10/2019 17:55

She acts similar to somebody I know who’s husband verbally abused her. Cried a ton didn’t want to eat or show the puffy face..very quiet

Ginfordinner · 29/10/2019 17:55

This gets odder and odder, especially with the food in the bin update. There is something seriously wrong here.

Settlersofcatan · 29/10/2019 18:05

It just wouldn’t work for me to just say, “I’m off, you deal with it,” though because our relationship is not really like that

But your relationship is like that. Isn't that what your DH did to you the day he went off and told you she was your problem and you couldn't leave the house?

Imagine these were your family and you did what your DH did. Would he think that was ok?

Ilovetolurk · 29/10/2019 18:06

Maybe she just doesn’t like my food??? Or me? Who knows?

Well the reality is that, despite the myriad of hypotheses on this thread, nobody knows

If I was Sherlock Holmes i might very well conclude that rude behaviour = rude woman

One word answers = rude
Letting you wait in for her when having no intention of coming down = rude
Shoving your food in the bin for you to find = rude

KatyCarrCan · 29/10/2019 18:09

Call her SIL that you get on well with and see if anything comes out.

If she's fragile (either emotionally, physically or mentally) then she may just have viewed her time in London as an opportunity to rest before the India trip. I do wonder if she thought her DH had explained the situation to you but he just didn't bother.

I'd be concerned about their relationship. It sounds as though she was defined by her career and quite quickly her DH encouraged her to leave it. That alone could have prompted a complete crisis of confidence and onset of depression.