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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 13:24

Also, yes, I do agree that if he knows she is struggling, why leave her here to look like a weirdo? Rather than going to meet business people yesterday, he could have made something up that they had some friends in town to meet, or whatever, and then he could have taken her out,

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 29/10/2019 13:27

If I spoke to her it would be to ask whether she wanted to stay again, and for her to decide because she gave the distinct impression that there wasnt anything about it she enjoyed and thats made you both sad and worried (although I'm not sure it has OP, but it would me).

That 'if' she decides she wants to come to stay again, that they make a plan to enjoy doing something out for her. Something everyone can look forward to doing, as this has been difficult and want it to be different another time, if theres another time.

I think it's very unlikely she would share her plight with you. Women in her circumstance just don't, no matter how apparent it is to others.

Think about what you might do if this becomes the case for your dd?!

Smotheroffive · 29/10/2019 13:29

He could still have had his business meeting, that was only one element of the weekend.

He was out doing his own thing the rest of the time! Cycling for hours, most of one day!

That tells me.he doesn't want to actively spend time with his new wife.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/10/2019 13:30

"I would bet she has no idea people would think she was rude. From her point of view she’s been no trouble (she didn’t ASK for food to be brought up, after all), she’s answered direct questions, she’s dressed up nicely for you... what more could you want?!

Seriously?"

Yes, I don't find it so rude either. She's kept out of your way and caused you no trouble.

AgathaF · 29/10/2019 13:33

I really can't understand why you haven't gone in there and talked to her directly.

zaffa · 29/10/2019 13:38

I've only read your updates OP rather than the full thread, but the first three months I was pregnant I was like this. We didn't want anyone to know and luckily I didn't have to go away, but I couldn't get out of bed. I was so sick and exhausted all the time - I took time off work and literally went to bed. My parents came to stay (who did know) and I spent the whole time they were here in bed - if they hadn't known they probably would have thought I was dreadfully depressed. Maybe I was. It was like I was the walking dead and I struggled to function. I ended up on three different types of medication until one finally worked, and I never thought that time would end. Thankfully it did and I'm enjoying the last bits of pregnancy so much more.

If she is pregnant or has recently suffered a loss, like just before flying our, they may not want to tell you - I wouldn't want to tell anyone except very very close family - and she may just be trying to get through until she gets to India to be with her family. Or it may have been too late to change plans.

I just wanted to say it's not necessarily domestic abuse. I could easily see myself in this situation if I was early pregnant or I had just had a miscarriage.

TatianaLarina · 29/10/2019 13:49

Yes, I don't find it so rude either. She's kept out of your way and caused you no trouble.

Whaaat? She’s prevented OP from going out, she’s had food taken her on a tray, she’s cause countless conversations with DH and a whole thread on MN. OP can’t really do anything with her in the house not having a clue as to her movements. It’s all stress and hassle.

TatianaLarina · 29/10/2019 13:51

OP I would ring his mum, presumably your aunt, and ask for the low down. She must have some idea.

MrsAJ27 · 29/10/2019 13:51

It is rude and very odd behaviour, I wouldn't want her to stay at my house again.

TatianaLarina · 29/10/2019 13:56

Or rather I mean DH’s aunt.

Findumdum1 · 29/10/2019 14:09

She's a diva that thinks you are beneath her. You're just a rest stop before the big glitzy event in India so she's getting her beauty sleep and face packs in in preparation in your house. I'd stop doing anything for her if I was you and I'd make sure I was out at a party on the night they stay on the way back. There's no excuse for her rudeness.

Bofster37 · 29/10/2019 14:19

I find it utterly astonishing that you haven’t asked her how she is feeling. Stop asking her closed questions, stop moaning about her on here, and go and show her some kindness.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/10/2019 14:23

I think OP has shown kindness.

Don’t contact DH’s aunt. If this is a controlling marriage this could cause more problems

Hefzi · 29/10/2019 14:26

Another vote here for MH - I had a "high powered" job and had a total breakdown: I found that anti-psychotics made me almost totally incapable. I couldn't manage a conversation, make decisions - or anything much really: I'm sure people who saw my parents taking me out and about thought it was odd that a middle aged woman couldn't hold a conversation and only just about managed yes or no at times.

I don't know anything about stigmas in the NRI community around MH, but could this perhaps explain why, if this is the issue, the cousin hasn't just explained?

Delatron · 29/10/2019 14:28

Yes she’s rude but she may just not want to hang out with OP who she doesn’t know and make small talk. Not excusing her behaviour.

Aside from a mental breakdown then the other alternative is that she’s entitled, rude and antisocial. Probably thinks that if her husband is off on meetings and cycling why the hell should she hang out with someone she doesn’t know. She’s probably had a lovely time resting and chilling. Yes that’s rude but she probably doesn’t care. I doubt you’ll ever find out.

ButteryGarlic · 29/10/2019 14:36

I would attempt to speak to her and check she's ok and nothing is bothering her. She may confide in you but she probably won't. Then I would just leave her alone.

DrBendix · 29/10/2019 14:46

To be honest, yes, it’s true DH tends to tell me rather than ask as such if people are coming, but equally, if my family needed to stay I wouldn’t need to ask him. I wouldn’t turn his family away though, no. I don’t feel as if I could do that

But under what circumstances? I mean there has to be a limit to how much you're willing to put up with from house guests.

For me, someone not coming out of their room for days and happily treating me like their personal slave would be a step too far and if DH told me that this relative was staying again I would tell him back that either its not happening OR he's on his own to deal with them (i.e. you make ZERO effort for them).

wigglybluelines · 29/10/2019 14:53

Hefzi that sounds very similar to what the OP has described.

I hope you've recovered well now? Flowers

DameofDarts · 29/10/2019 14:54

I wouldn’t speak to the aunt without speaking to her first again, and more determinedly. You don’t know at this stage what’s going on, and better that you give her the chance to speak for herself. It’s also better for you to do this as you’re understandably hurt/concerned/offended - your aunt will only be able to put your mind at rest with ‘the answer’ if she knows what it is, and the likelihood is she won’t.

DameofDarts · 29/10/2019 14:57

Sorry typo, meant your DH’s aunt

Settlersofcatan · 29/10/2019 15:10

To be honest, yes, it’s true DH tends to tell me rather than ask as such if people are coming, but equally, if my family needed to stay I wouldn’t need to ask him. I wouldn’t turn his family away though, no. I don’t feel as if I could do that.

Out of interest, how much does he do to entertain your family Vs what he expects of you for his?

KentuckyBourbonWhiskey · 29/10/2019 15:14

A male colleague/friend of mine has an abusive fiancé (female). Us friends have seen some of her abusive behaviour with our own eyes (screaming at his elderly parents until they cried at the engagement party).

One of her tricks is to host a gathering and then throw a tantrum with him before the guests arrive, and spend the entire evening upstairs refusing to come down. Giving everyone the silent treatment. The mad thing is he is so abused and avoidant that he just pretends everything is fine, makes excuses for her and lets her off. Won’t have a bad word said against her.

Could it be a dynamic like this?

Dieu · 29/10/2019 15:25

How fucking weird and rude. She ought to have just stayed at home. I would just crack on and do your own thing, OP. Where she is concerned, you have done all you can do.

Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 15:38

They have just gone! It was peculiar again. This morning, DH said to get lunch ready for 1.30 and he would try and make it and also to make sure the kids were home to join us because he wanted us all to all eat together. The cousin heard him tell me this. Since we came back from the shop, they have both been up in the room. They didn’t come down for lunch or find out what I was doing and DH didn’t come back until closer to 2pm. So he asked where they were. I said, they were up in the room and this is what it’s like and could he go and get them because I feel stupid now to be calling them all the time. So he went up to change and sort of bellowed for them from our bedroom Confused They did then come down!

Today she looks very different as she has not done the make-up and she looked like she’d literally just got up. She ate some lunch and said nothing at all really. I asked her if she was ready for India, how exciting, etc etc and she said, “I guess”. She does laugh every time someone says something though. So that happened all through lunch. She didn’t help me clear away or compliment the food. Then they were getting ready to leave and this is when she said the most she has said since she arrived which was, “Thankyou. You have a beautiful home and family. Is the car open now?” Then, with that, she went and sat in the back of the car and put her earphones in. This was while they were getting the bags from upstairs and she must have heard her husband on the stairs saying to the kids, “let’s all get a photo in front of your housr before we leave.” But when he came down she was in the car as if that was that so he just got in too. The kids were a bit Confused. DS said, “Isn’t there a film called, “The Woman in the Attic?”

OP posts:
alreadyinchristmasmood · 29/10/2019 15:41

At first I believed she's plain rude. Now I think something serious is going on in her life and her DH is a piece of shit. So odd...