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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
Adogwithabone · 29/10/2019 12:19

Ordering her food, 'advising' her to leave her job. He is very controlling of her. I'd put my mortgage on DV. You may think you know him, Op, but they can obviously put on a good show (i.e. the extravagant wedding)

Lweji · 29/10/2019 12:28

I agree that you should talk to her privately and reassuring her that you won't say anything to him.

Smotheroffive · 29/10/2019 12:31

The culture of honouring parents (kissing feet), the surrending of education and work for marriage and homemaking/DC is all part and parcel of this culture.

He, the man, gets to do whatever he wants, and the woman, shut away subservient to her notso D H, doesn't. Has no purpose other than to serve him and give him dc.

Recognised as DV in our culture. Many will tell you it's very fair, and how their H buys them lovely pretties, and has concern for them loves them ,etc , but its all a trade for their freedom.

Ginfordinner · 29/10/2019 12:35

If she is that emotionally fragile why on earth did her husband think it was a good idea to trail her across three continents to meet scores of people she has never met before?

I'm sorry, but he sounds very controlling, and I feel sorry for her.

Pippapotomus · 29/10/2019 12:36

I'm wondering if her plan is to act up like this in London, so her DH will cancel the next leg of their trip.

OtraCosaMariposa · 29/10/2019 12:45

Ordering her food, 'advising' her to leave her job. He is very controlling of her

You don't know that. he's perhaps being very supportive of his new wife who is on the verge of a total breakdown caused by pressure at work. he's telling her she doesn't have to work. Take time out etc. That's not controlling, it's supportive and caring.

Why is everyone desperate to believe that there's something dreadful happening rather than the simple explanation that she's rude, and with no social skills whatsoever?

OtraCosaMariposa · 29/10/2019 12:48

Also OP says that she wouldn't order for herself, not that she wasn't given the opportunity.

DameofDarts · 29/10/2019 12:48

Completely agree you should speak to her woman to woman. If he’s ordering her meal for her without asking, there’s a chance what he says to you isn’t going to represent how she really feels.

Haworthia · 29/10/2019 12:52

This is very wrong and I wouldn’t be surprised if the marriage breaks down pretty soon.

My MIL travelled to India for a massive family wedding a few months back. Not long after the mentioned the family were cagey when she asked how the newlyweds were doing. It was only a few months later when it came to light that the bride had legged it. Similar scenario to yours - professional couple, not quite arranged but not a love match either. It was a total disaster.

Smotheroffive · 29/10/2019 12:55

This is a cultural norm, to have no control over your life as a woman in this culture. Although here, its absolutely coercive control.

He should realise that shes not in any way fit to travel if shes barely eating and can't manage to get out of the car unaided and unguided.

Meanwhile, hes abandoned her to strangers all the time they've been there.

The break seems to be working really well for him, but really badly for her. He should have come alone and hes stupid to not realise how difficult this makes life for those he's burdened.

Ginfordinner · 29/10/2019 12:59

Absolutely agree with you Smotheroffive. He isn't coing out of this well. It's almost like he is parading her as a trophy wife.

Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 13:00

I’m standing here now and I’m making lunch, but I can’t help feeling that this is now day 3 and she hasn’t joined me and the kids at all, apart from last night. I would just never do this. When we go over there we have to see everyone and they are literally spread across the US and Canada, so we end up doing several internal flights do that nobody gets the jump about being left out. Even when the DC were babies we did this. I could never ignore someone in their own home and if I was ill, I would either just not go in the first place, or ask DH to explain if I couldn’t do that myself. Obviously, when you go to a new city, people make plans for you and this is to be expected. I don’t work, but what if I’d taken time off or something like that? You can’t just presume people will hang around on the off chance you might suddenly come down. I think now she’ll just come down when it’s time to leave and that will be it. Even the kids think it’s strange. Apparently they’re staying with us for one night on the way back! Well I might just stay in bed. I can be sympathetic to anything, but so don’t know why you would stay in someone’s house and behave like this with no explanation. I shouldn’t get so wound up, but I am.

OP posts:
EmmiJay · 29/10/2019 13:01

She sounds a tiny bit like what I imagine Amir Khan's wife (her nsme slips my mind) would be like behind closed doors. Hope shes truly ok though, sounds worrying.

Laiste · 29/10/2019 13:06

They leave for India at 3 today. I don't think you can do anything life changing for her in two and a half hours to be honest. If you had another few days you could work on it - but -

I'm wondering if there's anyone else in the family who is in but slightly on the outside IYSWIM, such as yourself OP, who you could chat to about it? Without treading on too many family toes.

TatianaLarina · 29/10/2019 13:07

If they’re staying with you on the way back and she’s still in the same state you could tackle her then.

Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 13:09

Also, to continue, sorry. The vibe I get is that he loves her very much actually, but she’s more cool with him. About the ordering... I think he just did it so she didn’t have to speak because he was worried she is anxious, for whatever reason. Tbh DH sometimes orders for me if we’ve gone to a place he’s discovered through work and he has taken me there because he knows I’ll like a certain thing. It’s not necessarily controlling. But this cousin is a quite outgoing person in general and if she is like this all the time, it must be very difficult. It would be a strain on anyone. Or maybe it’s him she’s struggling with? But I do think he should have said something to us out if politeness if you’re staying in someone’s house because it is very unusual by any stretch. Most people would be embarrassed .

OP posts:
HyacynthBucket · 29/10/2019 13:10

"Apparently" they are staying with you on the way back. So you have had no say in this decision? Your DH sounds like quite a piece of work himself. He and his cousin seem very controlling, very selfish and inconsiderate. But you are enabling him by being a bit of a doormat for him to wipe his feet on. Sorry if that is harsh, but I think you need to start asserting yourself.

On the return leg if they do stay with you again, staying in your room would not be assertive. Make sure you are out most of the time, doing your own thing. And pre-warn your husband that he will need to take care of his guests. Am glad I am not you, but good luck with setting a few boundaries here and there.

Smotheroffive · 29/10/2019 13:12

Sorry OP, but you seem to be completely ignoring her cultural norms.

You seem to only consider that shes rude, which I believe to be pretty uncaring, and condoing of her Hs behaviour.

Bearing in mind their culture, don't you think you should at least consider it. Your dc are not stupid, they will, hopefully, see very clearly how odd it is for a woman to be holed up, not eating and barely able to put one foot in front of another whilst her H spends all his days playing out and abandoning her Hmm Confused

I would hope they could see very easily how wrong it all is.

Its wrong as a culture to treat women this way, and not challenge her husband over it.

DarlingNikita · 29/10/2019 13:14

Apparently they’re staying with us for one night on the way back!

'Apparently'?

This is really weird. Does your DH just tell you everything that's going to happen in the house and then fuck off out and do whatever he pleases while you handle it?

Smotheroffive · 29/10/2019 13:15

I thought this too Nikita

OP doesn't seem to have a voice in this either.

katewhinesalot · 29/10/2019 13:17

Id have a quick chat with her. Tell her that you may be well off the mark and apologies if you are, but you've been really worried about her. Tell her that she needn't respond if she doesn't want but you'll be there for her if she needs you to be when she comes back. Ask her to have a think about it as you are really concerned about it all, especially as her DH says everything is fine but it looks to you that it obviously isn't.

Then the ball is in her court and she knows that there is help available after India if she needs it.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/10/2019 13:18

I like my own space and am not great at staying in other people’s homes for too long, but there is no way I would stay in my room for 3 days, that is the height of rudeness. And how other PP have said they would/do the same, how can you not think it is rude? I may go up for a nap if I need a bit of space but it wouldn’t be a 3 day nap!

If she isn’t feeling well for whatever reason why isn’t her DH supporting her, instead of leaving her on her own all the time. If she is so anxious staying at someone else’s house why didn’t they rent their own apartment or book a hotel? They don’t sound short of money.

If she doesn’t want people to know she has anxiety/MH problems surely DH can tell a white lie and say she is not feeling well/jet lagged without going into great detail.

On the face of it, it sounds as if she is in a very controlled marriage.

DrBendix · 29/10/2019 13:21

Tbh DH sometimes orders for me if we’ve gone to a place he’s discovered through work and he has taken me there because he knows I’ll like a certain thing. It’s not necessarily controlling.

Not necessarily controlling but very over-bearing. Why would he not just say 'I thought you'd like the mussels here' then let you decide if you want them. Then, whether you do or you don't, why would he not let you actually talk to the server?

I used to work in a restaurant and men who order for women made me feel physically sick.

Anyway, I digress. It sounds like your house guest is struggling with something but, either way, she's an incredibly rude fucker and I'd be telling her and her DH that as they left. They absolutely wouldn't be staying in my house again.

Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 13:22

To be honest, yes, it’s true DH tends to tell me rather than ask as such if people are coming, but equally, if my family needed to stay I wouldn’t need to ask him. I wouldn’t turn his family away though, no. I don’t feel as if I could do that.

OP posts:
underground76 · 29/10/2019 13:24

I think she is going through some sort of serious mental health issue, whether it's a breakdown, OCD/phobia, depression or grieving post-miscarriage or something like that. She is not behaving like someone who is just shy, or rude. There's nothing you can reasonably do about that, really, but she's obviously unwell.