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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 29/10/2019 09:47

I still don't get why you won't go and ask her directly what her problem is.

notapizzaeater · 29/10/2019 09:48

Have you her mobile number ? Sometimes it's easier to text than talk ?

Preparingfor · 29/10/2019 09:48

Gin she has already

PopeHalloweerious · 29/10/2019 09:59

Jesus Christ, if one more person helpfully suggests "perhaps she's pregnant" I'm going to...well, I don't know really but I'm going to be VERY IRRITATED

SummerHouse · 29/10/2019 10:05

Could she be pregnant? Just a thought. Grin

SheChoseDown · 29/10/2019 10:06

Well could she perhaps have suffered trauma? Miscarriage, infertility, diagnosis of some kind?
You've been very kind, patient beyond belief. Hopefully you can draw a line under this weekend and never have them again 😂

titnomatani · 29/10/2019 10:17

What a strange scenario. Hoping you find out what's going on before they leave- it'd drive me insane!

hallohallohallo · 29/10/2019 10:18

The wedding sounds amazing with no expense spared!

drones had been used in filming choreographed dance routines the bride and groom were on their hands and knees kissing the feet of the parents and PILs A mini garden was planted. Shock

I would find that completely overwhelming, but you said she coped through it well and didn't hide in a room somewhere. Even going out to the local Thai restaurant you said she overdressed and wouldn't get out of the car on her own without your husband carrying her over a puddle. Her DH ordered her food without even discussing what she wanted?

Have you ever met any of the counsin's other girlfriends? How was he with them? If it was an arranged marriage, do you think this couple love each other and wanted to get married? Maybe when she was with her family she did whatever they wanted, but now she's here in London without her family and she doesn't have to toe the line so to speak? I can't believe her husband hasn't said anything though? Is he aware that she's been locked in her room since Sat? It seems he's been out of the house the entire time so maybe he doesn't know what she's been doing? It does seem odd that they've come here and don't seem to spend any time together. How are they when they are together OP? Do they appear affectionate in any way?

angell84 · 29/10/2019 10:26

I have to say that I went to stay with one boyfriend's mother for a few weeks in another country, we had an annexed flat upstairs.

I went down to say hello to her every day, and then I stayed by myself the rest of the day.

I was probably a bit rude, but I was shy and used to being independent and wanted my own space

angell84 · 29/10/2019 10:27

I actually don't think it is that unusual, but I am a shy person, and I have done this.

Some people are much quiter and more used to their own space than others. I can see how it would come across as rude. It is hard to get a balance

Scarydinosaurs · 29/10/2019 10:35

If they’ve come here from America, she could possibly be suffering badly with the jet lag. And if she’s given up work could it be burn out- which (coupled with the jet lag) would explain her strange behaviour?

The getting out the car thing might have just been her not feeling steady on her feet.

ZaZathecat · 29/10/2019 10:35

She may have severe anxiety/social anxiety. It would explain her behaviour. What seems strange us why her husband wouldn't explain. Maybe she begs him not to talk to people about he problems. Very difficult for you to deal with though.

senua · 29/10/2019 10:44

What seems strange is why her husband wouldn't explain. Maybe she begs him not to talk to people about he problems.
Go and stay in a hotel then, where she can have all the privacy she wants!
It's very rude to accept hospitality and not even make an attempt to be a good guest.

HungryForApples · 29/10/2019 10:47

I bet she's had some kind of mental breakdown, triggered by the recent upheavals in her life, and has asked her husband not to tell anyone, hence why he keeps brushing off her strange behaviours as normal.

Her behaviours could easily be symptoms of depression or side effects of antipsychotic medication.

cunningartificer · 29/10/2019 10:55

I’m fascinated by some of the responses here, and some of the leaps made! If I had a guest staying where I knew their spouse but not them, I wouldn’t be astonished if they didn’t want to become my bestie in the absence of their DP. I think I’d have left them to themselves once it was clear that they didn’t want to socialise.

I can understand her staying in, chilling out, listening to music, sorting her stuff, completely unaware her hostess was getting advice to check if she was alive!

I think it’sa mismatch of expectations. She’s not that keen on getting to know you without her husband around, and is helpfully keeping out of the way. She’s turned up for dinner, as she feels that’s worth it (worth dressing up for) but isn’t so thrilled that she wants to chat or open up or even order food—and knows her husband will order something she likes, or just isn’t bothered about food.

I would bet she has no idea people would think she was rude. From her point of view she’s been no trouble (she didn’t ASK for food to be brought up, after all), she’s answered direct questions, she’s dressed up nicely for you... what more could you want?! Smile

When I think of the threads I’ve seen before about people hiding out when staying with in-laws to avoid socialising, bringing secret food with them etc, it doesn’t seem so strange at all...

PhilCornwall1 · 29/10/2019 11:13

I’m fascinated by some of the responses here, and some of the leaps made!

Agreed. Nobody knows what's wrong or not wrong with her, to many conclusions being come to.

All I know is, by now I would have had it out with her husband and had not been fobbed off by his responses.

Illberidingshotgun · 29/10/2019 11:15

It does sound that there's something wrong, rather than she's just being rude. I guess you'll never know what has been going on, but I think if I was in your situation, I would consider slipping her a note before she goes, just saying you are really concerned about her, and giving her your contact details (if she doesn't already have them) if she ever needs to talk.

On the other hand, could it be that she is pregnant

Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 11:40

He came back from his run and I made him some pancakes. She had still not come down - same as yesterday. He said she was “taking it slow” this morning, He did take her some tea and fruit up. Then he came down a while later and asked me if I could take him to M&S Confused because there are certain biscuits and other things she has promised to take for some people they will be seeing. So now I’ve run him to M&S and Im waiting in the car. I asked him if his wife is ok and I was honest that I had been expecting to take her out and about and had been concerned she’s been basically in the room these past days. He said that she doesn’t find travel easy, but thanks for offering. He said something about she is psyching up for this event in India. I said I can understand that but is she ok in herself? He said she is taking some time out. Work had got a little too much for her back home so he had advised her to leave it and take some time to focus in herself. I couldn’t really ask if there’s a pregnancy because I think if they wanted me to know that they would tell me. I did say that this India trip will be full on for her. He said he will make sure she’s ok and he will deal with it. That was just now and he’s got out the car to get this stuff. I don’t know - he’s fairly upbeat by nature so it’s hard to ask him personal questions. That’s as far as I could get really.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 29/10/2019 11:46

Definitely sounds like burn out. Poor woman. It’s good she came out for dinner with you. Small steps. She’s lucky to have you as family.

TatianaLarina · 29/10/2019 11:49

I would bet she has no idea people would think she was rude. From her point of view she’s been no trouble (she didn’t ASK for food to be brought up, after all), she’s answered direct questions, she’s dressed up nicely for you... what more could you want?!

Seriously?

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 29/10/2019 11:51

Some people really don't travel well. I am like that but it is odd how extreme it seems to be with her that she is unable to do anything at all. I usually do end up getting sick when traveling but try to suck it up and do as much as I can.

His explanations do sound reasonable though I would not be surprised if she was pregnant at the moment.

Smotheroffive · 29/10/2019 11:57

She could barely negotiate herself out of the car, without considerable help.

I've heard this before, amazing education etc, until married.

Its one or the other. In arranged marriages and strict culture you cannot have both. Your education and work is transplanted with marriage.

This is widely known surely, but this woman is not even living a life. Incredibly sad.

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/10/2019 12:03

That wedding sounds hideously stressful. I'd be hiding from my inlaws forevermore if I'd been made to kiss their feet.

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 29/10/2019 12:07

I’m not getting married if it involves kissing feet.

HyacynthBucket · 29/10/2019 12:13

I can't help feeling there is something really wrong here. Go up and speak to her woman to woman, ask her what is wrong and if there is anything you or anyone else can do to help while she is still in London. She may finally open up to you. As someone else said earlier, you could slip her the numbers of help organisations in case she needs them.