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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 08:56

Hi, they are still here. DH has gone to work. The cousin has gone out the door for a run just now so I haven’t had a chance to speak with him.

I did talk to DH about the whole thing. He thinks she is one of these people who has been super-pushed through uni and into the “right” job etc. He also suspects the wedding was perhaps more arranged than it might appear in the surface. He said his cousin didn’t mention anything was wrong when they were out in Sunday as at that stage he hadn’t though to ask. He thinks she’s extremely shy and maybe suffering from depression or similar. He doesn’t think it’s odd, in itself, that’s she’s suddenly given up work. But I do think it’s odd tbh because at the various receptions at the wedding, there was a lot of talk about her career so far etc as if this kind of defined her, in a way. She has also studied abroad in her own - well I can’t imagine that, given the way she presents here. Also, at the wedding, she was talking to people and seemed fine. Maybe she has had a miscarriage and is really struggling? I just can’t tell. I’m going to try and talk to her DH when he gets back. I don’t know what their plans are today yet, but they’re not leaving until 3ish and DH says he’ll come home early to take them to the airport.

OP posts:
Patroclus · 29/10/2019 08:59

Could be having a reaction to malaria medication I suppose

Ginfordinner · 29/10/2019 09:00

Why can't you take her a cup of tea and ask her what's wrong?

CallmeAngelina · 29/10/2019 09:00

As I see it, they have one of two choices. Either explain to you why she has been behaving so unutterably rudely so that you can at least understand and make allowances, or accept that you think both of them are bloody rude and you will never host either of them again.
It's clearly not a cultural thing, as many on here have attested.

northerngirl2012 · 29/10/2019 09:00

Hope you get to the bottom of it for her sake. She’s lucky to have you in her corner.

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 29/10/2019 09:01

She certainly would have been tired, but two days stay in bed tired sound a bit much.

Hope she’s ok.

Inthemoment38 · 29/10/2019 09:01

Good morning OP.
Wow, she's still in there! Because they are leaving today anyway I think I would probably write it off as mega weird but something I couldn't fix And therefore leave her to it for the rest of today. I would be rather curious to see what she looks like when she exits the room to leave the house though!

I suppose that whatever has motivated this behaviour is NOT good and she deserves sympathy even though you just don't know what's going on with her.

senua · 29/10/2019 09:04

Do you know where she is going in India; who she is staying with? It might be an idea for DH (it's his family, isn't it) to give them a heads-up.

ffswhatnext · 29/10/2019 09:04

I'd be calling her down for breakfast and ask her whats going on. I wouldn't be taking anything up to her.

Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 09:05

I’m just going to wait until he gets back because she’s probably still asleep. Then, if she doesn’t come down with him, I’ll try talking to him about it. I don’t to go knocking in her door at 9am. She’s probably waiting for him.

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 29/10/2019 09:09

I wouldn't mention it to the family. Imagine if she isn't like this when there, they will think it weird.
I would be talking to them though whilst she's there to see how she generally is.
If she's still the same, ok there's something else going on. If she's more social then never have the rude pair back.

Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 09:10

In India, I know there is a wedding on her side of the family and they have various people to visit, as is usually the case, so they will be busy. It’s always the way.

OP posts:
Mollymoo01 · 29/10/2019 09:13

I’m not sure talking to her husband is a good idea tbh.
I think you need to find a time to talk directly to her and ask her what’s wrong.

It sounds eerily like domestic abuse or a breakdown of some sort (maybe due to the arranged marriage)

Poor woman sounds desperately unhappy.

If the issue is about her husband then talking to him about it will only make it worse for her.

Maybe you could write a note with woman’s aid, CAB, freedom program info on and if after you manage to chat to her you think she needs it then you could slip her the note?

PunishmentSnart · 29/10/2019 09:13

Why don’t you go up and speak to HER instead of her husband?

JumpiestBat · 29/10/2019 09:18

I'd interpret it as tired and overwhelmed and she's probably been told she can just rest at yours before India so that's what she's doing. It is rather rude though. Go about your own business and leave her to it. There's no clear indication she's in trouble. If she was high flying professional etc previously she might be used to being somewhat selfish and not having to think about others.

AGnu · 29/10/2019 09:21

I've been a bit like this in the past, but nowhere near as extreme. FWIW, before I got married I seemed "fine" to most people - went to uni, etc. It was only once I got married that I felt I had a safe space so could begin to process the bullying I'd experienced & the lack of support from my family. I was depressed, anxious & never left the house without DH. Going to stay with his family was excruciating for me. They're really lovely people but I felt I couldn't do anything without DH by my side so found any excuse to hide in my room if he was somewhere else.

I did always make an effort to at least be polite & respond to their questions though, & the only time I've totally isolated myself was when I had D&V. Best weekend ever! They were aware that I was ill though.

If their families are from the same region, are they going to visit her family after staying with you? Perhaps her husband begged her to stop off with you so he could see his friend & she thought she'd be able to cope better than she has & is now too embarrassed to say anything which could be making her anxiety worse.

squaresandsquares · 29/10/2019 09:24

It's a bit rude but then who knows how she's feeling. I would just leave her to it and not be too offended. Her DH did all the taking and socializing for her.

clutchingon · 29/10/2019 09:26

Why wouldn't you go in? Sounds like she's poorly. Or maybe pregnant. I went to new
York when I was 8 weeks pregnant and stayed with my cousin. I felt totally horrific and the jet lag added to it. I did lots of disappearing off to bed early (although I didn't stay in bed for the entirety of my stay!! 🤣).

AGnu · 29/10/2019 09:27

Ah, x-post. If she's heading to a family wedding then maybe she's been summoned there by someone she feels she can't say no to & is dreading having to put that mask on again & pretend to be everything her family expects of her. I'd always struggle before & after any event where not going would be inconceivable but would involve me being extroverted & social. I'd definitely be conserving my social energy for the people who would judge me the most.

Passthecherrycoke · 29/10/2019 09:30

This happened to my mum and dad on holiday. My mum had a migraine. After 5 days housekeeping said if they weren’t allowed in they were calling the police. They were Greek so quite open as Greek people can be “we need to come in in case you’ve murdered your wife” 🤣 she was fine but her migraines last about a week

Original poster
hangingabout · 29/10/2019 09:34

I think she’s more likely to be unwell in some way, rather than domestic violence or anything like that. I realise people put on a convincing appearance when abuse is going on, but the thing is, she’s not really putting on a “I’m fine” appearance by isolating herself.
I don’t think it’s cultural really. It is true that this cousin’s family are more “traditional” than other members of the family. His mum is lovely but quite religious and they do go all-out when it comes to anything ceremonial. At the wedding, there were so many speeches it went on for two hours, if not longer. There were video link-ups and a very professional movie had been made of all the preparations and all the three days, with voiceovers by the couple and drones had been used in filming. Don’t even get me started in the choreographed dance routines - the children, the grandparents, the neighbours of so and so. Literally everyone was part of some routine. I’m amazed I wasn’t asked to rehearse something via FaceTime. During the wedding ceremony, the bride and groom were on their hands and knees kissing the feet of the parents and PILs which you don’t see often (if ever)? A mini garden was planted. It was all very beautiful but also quite crazy and I’ve been to a lot of weddings over the years. Maybe all this and the build up for it has just been too much for her and now she’s struggling as a result?

OP posts:
ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 29/10/2019 09:37

. During the wedding ceremony, the bride and groom were on their hands and knees kissing the feet of the parents and PILs which you don’t see often (if ever)?

No wonder she’s hiding now.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 29/10/2019 09:37

I think you need to speak to his mother and the Aunt, if this is how she behaves with everyone then you can just write it off and never invite them to stay again, but if this is new behaviour then something IS up, whether it's medical/personal/emotional/abusive at least you have a starting point.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 29/10/2019 09:40

oh cross posted...the more wedding details we have the more I think this is sounding like a huge culture shock for her and she has major regrets

maybe don't phone his mother then....ask the aunt!

Passthecherrycoke · 29/10/2019 09:43

“At the wedding, there were so many speeches it went on for two hours, if not longer. There were video link-ups and a very professional movie had been made of all the preparations and all the three days, with voiceovers by the couple and drones had been used in filming. Don’t even get me started in the choreographed dance routines”

To be fair I’ve been to only been to 3 Indian weddings in the last 4 years and all included this. I just assumed it was fashionable