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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
whitebowls · 29/10/2019 06:26

She's a princess, to be waited on hand and foot. She gives nothing in return. Does she have a social media profile? It'd be interesting to see if she's updated since she came to stay with you?
How is her husbands interaction with her?

GoFiguire · 29/10/2019 06:42

Blatant PMK. Do they leave today?

CurryAndCobra · 29/10/2019 06:47

I have no idea as to how you're keeping your cool. I'd have asked her point blank if she was just socially awkward or taking the piss. This is ridiculous.

Tink1990 · 29/10/2019 07:08

Shock at your update! I agree with someone pages back, she thinks shes too good for your family! Sges so rude! And the puddle thing, omg Shock what on earth. Think you are great for keeping your cool tbh

AgathaF · 29/10/2019 07:10

I think you should do what other posters have suggested and go into the room when she's on her own and ask her outright what is wrong. In a gentle and supportive way, obviously.

This isn't normal behaviour, and her H's reaction to it also is not normal. She could be ill, have mental health issues, being abused (just because he's nice outwardly doesn't mean he's not abusive behind closed doors), or just be plain rude. She may need help or support, she may not open up to you, but you really should offer the hand of support to her. If she's just being rude then really she needs to understand that her behaviour is not on too.

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/10/2019 07:11

It sounds like an awful weekend. From my personal experience of anxiety, it sounds more like a serious case of anxiety than rude. Either way, the cousin shouldn't have ignored it all weekend, that is definitely rude.

SummerHouse · 29/10/2019 07:26

I would go to her and say "look, you are not ok. What can I do to help?"
Or I would go he DH and say, ”look, she is not ok. What can I do to help?"

I think it's a mental health thing.

OtraCosaMariposa · 29/10/2019 07:32

The weirdest thing is that the DH is carrying on as if everything is normal.

Howlovely · 29/10/2019 07:33

It sounds like a really stressful and unpleasant, not to mention odd, weekend. Regardless of the reasons, her behaviour is appallingly rude. Nobody would mind if someone said, 'X has YZ issue, please forgive her if she stays in her room', but to just ignore it is creating more problems than it's solving. She's being unforgivably rude.
It could be that she has some devastating brain/muscle wasting illness that has really affected her abilities to think straight/talk with sense/control her body etc but I think it would be bizarre to make such a huge trip to stay with inlaws all over the world if this were the case.
I think I'd have to say something to her as they leave, e.g., "I'm sorry to didn't enjoy your stay with us", to let them both know what truly awful guests they have been. It will be interesting to see how she behaves upon leaving - if she has the manners to thank you for your hospitality or if it doesn't occur to her and she just leaves although much as an acknowledgement.
Not long now before they're off, OP, you've handled this really well!

thaegumathteth · 29/10/2019 07:35

If you know her husband as well as you say then why on earth wouldn't you or dh sit him down and ask in no uncertain terms wtf is going on?

Howlovely · 29/10/2019 07:35

*Leaves without as much as an acknowledgement

IceBlock · 29/10/2019 07:36

I’m swinging between being pissed off with her on OP’s behalf to feeling desperately sorry for her.

How was the goodbye bit OP?

Frazzled2207 · 29/10/2019 07:41

After your last update I am feeling sorry for her. Clearly something is not right. I would try and gently ask whats wrong, and if you don't get anywhere ask the cousin instead.

Nousernameforme · 29/10/2019 07:42

I agree with anxiety especially as she was laughing during dinner but didn't contribute to the conversation her self. I also think her husband is embarrassed by her behaviour so is minimising it.

isthismylifenow · 29/10/2019 07:53

Can be due to a number of reasons.

OP surely your DH must have spoken to his cousin about her, its not like you haven't mentioned and he hasn't noticed her odd behaviour over the weekend.

I bet you are pleased they are off today though.

ferrier · 29/10/2019 07:53

If you do ask more questions, try to make sure they can't be answered with a yes or no .... or even an OK!

Delatron · 29/10/2019 07:54

I think anxiety and maybe a breakdown with regards to her job.

The more you don’t talk or say just one word answers the more it perpetuates. I feel sorry for her. I wouldn’t demand answers or push it. When is she leaving? I know it’s strange and awkward for you but she’s clearly struggling. The DH will just be brushing it under the table and not understanding.

isthismylifenow · 29/10/2019 07:56

They are leaving today.

I doubt very much she is going to open up to OP as they are walking out of the door to get their next flight.

purplepalace · 29/10/2019 08:09

Maybe she's not suffering illness or mental breakdown, maybe she's just an arsehole and a diva.

Spinderellacutituponetime · 29/10/2019 08:10

Love it that Mumsnet, once again, leaps to the worst possible conclusion. She’s probably just tired and shy.

CoraPirbright · 29/10/2019 08:20

I’d have to question the aunts! They would surely know what’s going on! Then you can offer help or refuse any other visits as appropriate.

Patroclus · 29/10/2019 08:26

I reckon shes one of these americnas who thinks we live like Downton Abbey here and is living out her fantasy

isthismylifenow · 29/10/2019 08:32

Agree Spinderella. Grin

frazzledasarock · 29/10/2019 08:47

I reckon it sounds like MH issues.

Your DH must know something, I cannot imagine any other reason why he’d carry a grown woman over a puddle otherwise.

Poor woman will have a nervous breakdown in India, there’ll be hoards of family constantly wanting to see her and talk to her.

Lovemusic33 · 29/10/2019 08:53

It all seems very odd.
I suffer from extreme anxiety and if I was asked to stay somewhere where I wouldn’t feel comfortable I just wouldn’t go. How did she manage the flights, the airport etc..? Maybe she was medicated to fly? Maybe she’s still feeling the effect of it? (Unlikely but possible).

I would also worry about domestic abuse, what kind of husband goes off to have fun leaving his wife in a room for 2/3 days? Ordering her food without asking her what she would like? Not explaining to you what’s going on just seems strange, if she was jet lagged or poorly then why not just say?

I hope she’s ok, I feel very sad for her Sad