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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
CircleofWillis · 29/10/2019 00:39

I was wondering about selective mutism as well. But if that was the case her husband is a shit for not letting you all know in advance and for leaving her on her own so much.

Smotheroffive · 29/10/2019 00:42

This poor woman.

This is very voyeuristic, this woman really doesn't sound well to need so much help and to be barely eating...

This is very sad. I don't know what her OH can be thinking. The woman can barely put one foot in front of the other.

Please out an end to the horrible speculation about this woman's private life.

MustShowDH · 29/10/2019 00:43

I'm going to chuck my tuppence in...
Miscarriage? Shame making her not want to tell anyone? Too painful to talk about and a type of postnatal depression due to hormone changes?
Overly made-up to make herself feel like she is coping?

expat101 · 29/10/2019 01:02

She definitely doesn't sound well at all. Could she be on meds for something and they changed the dose or script before she left home?

You have been an excellent hostess though! Well done You!

Blondebakingmumma · 29/10/2019 01:05

Have you tried asking her an open question? I find the yes, no, ok answers very odd. I’d be worried it’s dv. Doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone or what type of front they put on, you never know what is going on behind closed doors.

The fact that the husband ordered without asking his wife what she felt like is off. She also seemed hesitant to leave the car to go back to the room alone with her husband?

Lhastingsmua · 29/10/2019 01:07

This is so strange- I don’t know why, but I feel sorry for her.

Best case scenario is that she just simply has social anxiety/extreme shyness but worse case scenario, she’s going through something traumatic. I would just be extra nice as even though she comes across as rude/aloof there are probably other things going on that you’re not privy to.

I know you have known cousin a long time, but you still can never know what happens behind closed doors. Especially if he’s very backwards in terms of culture. I mean her even coming out tonight could be her husband coaching her to, rather than her actually wanting to?

Lhastingsmua · 29/10/2019 01:09

From your posts, he does seem controlling

user1471532130 · 29/10/2019 01:14

I wonder if she has just had an early miscarriage, maybe before telling anyone she was pregnant.

springydaff · 29/10/2019 01:18

This has to be hugely cultural, surely. It sounds like cousin has reverted to a very traditional marriage set up.

IF she is painfully introverted, the wedding would have been a never ending nightmare - perhaps her MH has totally cracked because of it. But for the cousin to say nothing at all and your husband to expect you to offer slavishly exemplary hospitality - to the point you have to put yours and the kids lives on hold - sounds cultural to me. It's surprising how culture can spring up when you've known someone for years in your own culture and suddenly they're behaving in an incomprehensible way. But because they've clicked into their culture they don't even realise they're being weird...

Either that or she's treating your home like a hotel. For the cousin to say nothing in the way of explanation is not on though. You poor thing, what a strain.

MiniCooperLover · 29/10/2019 01:21

It sounds like to me that she is very shy and unaware of how to act outside her closest family. She is clearly educated but herbals has been indoctrinated in how to behave around other people/family/men who aren't her husband?

MiniCooperLover · 29/10/2019 01:22

Herbals = perhaps ... why the hell doesn't MN sort out ah edit option 🙄

springydaff · 29/10/2019 01:26

But how could she have been a high-flyer who can't talk to people she doesn't know??

YellowBup · 29/10/2019 01:44

If she’s a medic of some sort (medics of mumsnet I love you this isn’t aimed at you) then even if she is a high flyer, a bit of “eccentricity”/lack of normal social skills is (sometimes) par for the course. I know medical high flyers who are brilliant people and have clearly got determination and single mindedness to have got through all the exams and the specialist knowledge but “self awareness and general social skills”? Nah Smile

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/10/2019 01:54

In the US you often only become a high flying medical professional close to your thirties. So if she’s only 30 how highflying could she have been? It’s more likely that she’s just plain rude and the cousin is either hoping you or DH will comment on it so he can tell you everything and you can help her sort herself out before India, or hoping like hell that you haven’t noticed and the plan is for them to stay in hotels when he goes to India so the extended family doesn’t notice either.

OMGshefoundmeout · 29/10/2019 02:12

My heart goes out to this poor woman. She might be ill or painfully shy or have issues or just be very, very rude but the way she is behaving isn’t normal and to be under such scrutiny from her hosts must be excruciating for her.

In the early days of our marriage we occasionally stayed with distant relatives of mine and of DH. I am very introverted and to be in someone else’s space and company for days on end was a torment to me no matter how nice and hospitable they were. If I had had the nerve to just stay in the guest room and not come out I would have had much nicer times but a stiff upper lip and the urge to do the right thing forced me out of the room and I would mingle with my hosts and make polite chit chat whilst wishing I could escape. Now I’m older and more self aware I no longer put myself through these ordeals and will stay in a hotel and just visit family for meals or coffee.

We have no idea what’s going on with the OPs odd guest but to behave as she is is very peculiar. She probably has her reasons and I feel very sorry for her.

kateandme · 29/10/2019 02:35

bloody hell fire.why do families do this.someone is clearly in trouble here for whatever reason.she is your family.bite the bulet stop bing polite and stand up for her/to her.
for her husabnd to be acting like nothing is wrong "listen cousin whats is happening with her.i gt privacy and im not one to pry but please give us some information here.you bought this lady into our home and we are fucking worried.give us something becasue it wouldnt be right for us as human to let this go without knowing if she is ok/safe"

Leontine · 29/10/2019 02:56

My first thought was perhaps she’s suffering with the early stages of pregnancy and doesn’t want anyone to know.

nomoreclue · 29/10/2019 03:09

A friend of mine had a relative like this. She had early onset Alzheimer’s. She’s given up job and can’t speak or walk in the street. Is she really poorly? This is concerning, its either serious abuse or illness.

commanderdalgliesh · 29/10/2019 04:48

Is your cousin Niles Crane?

Joking aside, she doesn't sound ok.

BringMeAGinandTonic · 29/10/2019 05:05

My goodness, I have never been so interested in a thread on here ever!

I am curious how this turns out and wonder if she's a downright diva or as others say, something is going on. I don't get not being able to get out and get over puddles. Medication might explain that. It's all very odd.

Shoxfordian · 29/10/2019 05:06

How much longer are they staying for? It sounds like domestic abuse to me as well, she seems scared from your updates

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2019 05:11

The things, which make me think she’s possibly more of a diva than ill is her polished appearance, resplendent outfits and her shock at the puddle.

You live in / near London. I’d be very interested to know her reaction to the value of your house op. She could be comparing it to her knowledge of similar sized properties back home. Maybe drop that one into the conversation if you are able.

tedx · 29/10/2019 05:46

hangingabout I think she has social anxiety. It can be paralysing just saying hello to a stranger let alone living in their home for a few days.

Dita73 · 29/10/2019 05:59

Maybe this woman is just an arsehole?

IceniSky · 29/10/2019 06:22

I really think you need to be direct and ask. I really couldn't live with myself if I let her go off without asking directly why she is behaving this way. Bit like if you suspect something is wrong with a childs life, you have a duty to follow it up.

She sounds submissive to me.