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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 28/10/2019 23:02

Wow. What an update. That seems to have raised more questions than it answered. Doesn't your DH find her behaviour odd?

How long are they staying for?

Original poster
hangingabout · 28/10/2019 23:02

No they’re both American, born and bred.
I’m actually wondering if maybe she’s having or has had some kind of a breakdown?
The mother of this particular cousin is quite a character and she phones me quite regularly even though she’s in California and there is another aunt who is also prone to getting in contact if anyone is ill or anything is amis, but I have heard from them. I will say something to the husband tomorrow. He must be worried, despite appearances.

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 28/10/2019 23:04

How can you go through a whole evening, and only ask closed questions?? Try asking something she can't answer yes/no to!!

Ginfordinner · 28/10/2019 23:05

How can you go through a whole evening, and only ask closed questions?? Try asking something she can't answer yes/no to!!

Same here. My old sales training coming to the fore Grin

acatcalledron · 28/10/2019 23:06

Any chance her husband is abusive?

ffswhatnext · 28/10/2019 23:06

Actually, can I come and stay for a couple of nights?
Thinking about it wouldn't be too bad. Don't have to talk, just walk-in stay a bit and buggar off to a bedroom. Close door. Trays of food will magically appear. Even the occasional glass of wine will arrive at my door (make it a vodka though). When I can be bothered to grace you with my presence I shall want lifting from the car to the table. Amateur hour wanting to walk. And when we get home you shall carry me up your three flights of stairs and do all my ironing. And of course, you cannot possibly expect me to pack, bad enough I had to dress and wash my own hair.

fargo123 · 28/10/2019 23:06

She's just completely rude.

Schwibble · 28/10/2019 23:07

Could she be being emotionally abused? This might explain a lot..

BlingLoving · 28/10/2019 23:07

It worries me that her dh thinks this is all normal and makes me think that either she has terrible mental health problems that aren't;t being talked about or that there is some kind of abuse going on here. Or both.

ffswhatnext · 28/10/2019 23:08

Did she drink alcohol @hangingabout

CantstandmLMs · 28/10/2019 23:10

Wow this thread has been fascinating. Please keep us updated on how it goes saying goodbye!

The part where her husband ordered for her without discussion gives a bad vibe to me!

Ginfordinner · 28/10/2019 23:10

It worries me that her dh thinks this is all normal and makes me think that either she has terrible mental health problems that aren't;t being talked about or that there is some kind of abuse going on here. Or both.

I am beginning to wonder as well. The help getting out of the car, having food ordered for her without discussion, the yes/no answers don't sound like she is coping at all.

Thehappygardener · 28/10/2019 23:10

Generally speaking people don’t get to be ‘specialist professionals in the medical field’ if they are wilting violets!

Great that you’ve seen her, and had dinner with her, and as many others have said is there any possibility of an abusive relationship, from her husband, or is she hugely bored with being away from her own home and resentful of staying with relations when she might have preferred to go to a smart hotel?

Sounds as though they will be gone very soon, perhaps don’t be too polite, don’t offer to have them back next time?

Bluerussian · 28/10/2019 23:11

Was the puddle the reason for her not getting out of the car?

It's all very strange - I'm convinced she is ill.

Jiggerypokery1986 · 28/10/2019 23:12

Surely nobody could behave in this way?! Yes and no answers? Unbelievable really.
She smiled and just answered yes or no?
Surely if she were having a breakdown or was unwell the cousin would have mentioned it.
How very odd.
I really wouldn't like babysitting someone like that

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/10/2019 23:13

a) he knows how she is and goes along with it for easy life,
b) he is abusive and puts on a jovial face for “the others”

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/10/2019 23:15

Very strange. I don’t know why she wouldn’t tell you about jet lag or a stomach bug or whatever as cover for whatever’s going wrong. Or at least brief the husband to do it.

ffswhatnext · 28/10/2019 23:17

Surely though if dv he would have been a bit more open other than she's lying down to avoid suspicion especially if he has 'controlled' her this much. Anyone can see from another planet that it's odd and questions would be asked. You really think he would let another man touch his wife, never mind actually carry her?

Schwibble · 28/10/2019 23:18

I'm pretty sure it's because of abuse and she is desperately hurting and also afraid of him. Even to the point she's scared to ruin her shoes by walking through a puddle, so staying in the car Sad

He might be the biggest arsehole behind closed doors.

Original poster
hangingabout · 28/10/2019 23:19

It’s really hard to explain. She gives off the vibe that it’s stressful for her to be spoken to.
I was in the back of the car with her and when DH opened the door for her it was like she just froze and was sort of staring downwards at the pavement. I know this sounds strange, but it was really. DH said, “Can I help you” or something like that and the next thing, he was saying, “just put your foot there.. and the next one,” and holding both her arms as if she was unsteady. She was just wearing boots. I don’t know what that was about. You know how there’s sometimes a puddle in the kerb, but you could just step over it easily into the pavement. Maybe she has anxiety about going into the street?
DH is asking me what I’m doing in the bathroom now Grin. What an strange day. Thankyou for helping me not go demented.

OP posts:
Butterflycookie · 28/10/2019 23:21

Can you quickly chat to her in the morning before she leaves? She can’t just leave without any one knowing why she’s been behaving like this for the last few days!!!! I need to know haha Grin

Original poster
hangingabout · 28/10/2019 23:22

I would be really shocked if it was DV because I really, really can’t imagine that at all. I’ve known this cousin since he was about 20. I even took him for a uni interview over here once, years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
hangingabout · 28/10/2019 23:24

She doesn’t drink no, but then I don’t much either. Sorry if I keep missing questions.

OP posts:
OkayGoooouuuuuullllll · 28/10/2019 23:25

It seems bizarre she would behave that way, and her husband order for her no discussion etc. It just gives out a vibe of abuse. And people can be all friendly and lovely and still do this. You never know what people are like behind closed doors.

RhubarbTea · 28/10/2019 23:27

My feeling is that she could well be experiencing domestic abuse of some sort, either violence or coercive control. Or they have a weird relationship where he tells her what to do and she is only allowed to answer yes or no to things and never leave her room? I can't think of the name but it's the thing where both people sign up to it and it's kind of BDSM-ish.

Either that or she's had some kind of stroke or psychotic episode / nervous breakdown and is heavily medicated or not herself. She could be cripplingly shy but it seems weird that her husband doesn't knowledge this if so. In fact, it's that which makes me think of abuse. Because any normal person would just explain - right? They wouldn't act like everything was fine.