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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
Lochroy · 28/10/2019 17:50

Are they still staying tomorrow? If so the tonight you can tell the cousin, and wife if she does come out, what YOUR plans and timings are for tomorrow so then they know when they and come and go or have to get their own tea!

ILoveCrunchyAutumnLeaves · 28/10/2019 17:51

Are u english/white? And are they hindu or muslim.

If they're Hindus she may be on her period some families see menstruating as unclean and expect them to stay separate.

If muslim it could be that even though the husband drinks alcohol, she doesn't approve and due to the alcohol may question your households adherence to shariah and halal food etc.

regardless of religion she could be pregnant or despite her husband's western lifestyle he might not want her mixing for whatever reason as the vague excuse for her bad manners makes me think there is more to it. In asian culture her behaviour is extremely rude to the host and disrespectful to the host family, and would be seen to be even ruder that no credible explanation has been offered.

Ellisandra · 28/10/2019 17:53

Possibly something odd going on if she has all these amazing qualifications and a specialist job, yet she’s jacked that in “for a change” when that change appears to be spending the weekend with her husband’s friends that she doesn’t know, on a stopover to India to meet a bunch of his relatives (?) who will bitch about her behind her back..

Delatron · 28/10/2019 17:53

Do you know what I did to make DH realise how hard hosting is? When it’s his friends he has to do everything. All the washing and making up the beds, all the tidying and all the cooking. He invited people over less now.

There’s no way I’d have people to stay for weeks on end.

Time to get tough with your DH. Go out and hand all responsibility over to him from now on.

Iflyaway · 28/10/2019 17:55

if he asked me rather than presume it’s all ok and then never even think to help me with any shopping, cooking, changing beds or anything

We had people here for weeks on end over the summer and I don’t think he realises how tiring it is. I would just like him to acknowledge that this behaviour today is weird and for him to say something like, “sorry you’ve been inconvenienced this weekend,” rather than dismissing it

Yes, indeed. Selfish.

You have a husband problem.

Time to start standing up for yourself....

ShirleyPhallus · 28/10/2019 18:03

I really don’t get why you haven’t just asked her....?

HisBetterHalf · 28/10/2019 18:06

Cant she open the door if he returns home? Super rude if you ask me

Ginfordinner · 28/10/2019 18:08

I really don’t get why you haven’t just asked her....?

Neither do I. Why can't you just ask her?

ffswhatnext · 28/10/2019 18:12

Never mind her I would have been bored shiteless if I was you staying in for so long. Hate being ill and confined to my room. Even opening the front door and standing there makes a huge difference.

It's enabling and I've always been led to believe that we don't enable, as it's not healthy for anyone.

purplepalace · 28/10/2019 18:13

DH doesn’t seem to get it - he says, maybe she’s just getting ready

Lol! Since Saturday? Confused

OP, what are your plans for tomorrow?

Chloe84 · 28/10/2019 18:21

There is something wrong, this is not cultural in rural India, let alone for a highly educated woman raised in the US.

Either she's got morning sickness all the time or she's depressed because she's pining for an ex and regretting her marriage.

wigglybluelines · 28/10/2019 18:25

I had a lodger once who smuggled a girlfriend into his room. Didn't tell us she was there, must have told her to hide in the room while he was at work (full time). I'm not sure how ling she was there for, but I got a feeling there was someone else in the house, and eventually bumped into her on the stairs on her way back from the toilet a few days later.

The weird thing was, we're really sociable people and have always made it clear to lodgers that they're welcome to have friends to stay as long as they're not arseholes!

She jumped out of her skin when she saw be, but I was very welcoming and said it was nice to meet her and she should feel free to come down and help herself to tea etc if she wanted to. She didn't though, she stayed another few days I think and then left.

No idea what that was about. I think maybe he liked the idea of her waiting in his room for him all day or something. I dunno. He was the only lodger we ever asked to leave (not for this, for other arseholery).

Sorry OP, not particularly relevant to your situation, only to say that I recognise the feeling of having someone in your house who doesn't communicate or get involved, but just hides away and it's disconcerting!

beethebee · 28/10/2019 18:25

The strangest thing to me seems that her DH doesn't seem even slightly apologetic or embarrassed at her rudeness and isn't even offering an explanation, and that OPs DH also doesn't seem to think this behaviour is odd.

It's utterly bizarre to do this as a guest in someone's house and treating it as unremarkable is just baffling.

ShirleyPhallus · 28/10/2019 18:29

Why is MN so full of threads which could be really easily explained with just a simple conversation but instead run and run with no resolution and loads of conspiracy theories

Honestly another 60% of threads and rows would be solved if people just spoke to each other....

ShirleyPhallus · 28/10/2019 18:29

Why is MN so full of threads which could be really easily explained with just a simple conversation but instead run and run with no resolution and loads of conspiracy theories

Honestly another 60% of threads and rows would be solved if people just spoke to each other....

PuppyMonkey · 28/10/2019 18:29

So, you’re all going out for Thai food OP? OMG, this is going to be good - I thought the cousin and your DH were eating out and leaving you with her again. Dying to know what she’ll be like at the meal.

Bluerussian · 28/10/2019 18:29

I'm sorry you've had such a bored time and restricted to the house for some of it too. I think you could have gone out without her as long as she knew you were going.

It sounds as though she is depressed. Wanting to hole up is quite usual for depressives (I have been like that), though I'm surprised she was prepared to travel all that way to stay with you - she may have thought making the effort would cause her to feel better. You may hear something about her down the line.

Your husband needs to know how you feel so tell him again, calmly, so he can see how unreasonable the whole thing has been for you - and don't do it again.

DishingOutDone · 28/10/2019 18:29

I think they all saw you coming OP. You're obsessed with politeness and yet you allow this crap in your own house, and your DP positively encourages it!

notangelinajolie · 28/10/2019 18:32

Is she staying in the room because she somehow thinks your house is a b&b/guest house?

Chloe84 · 28/10/2019 18:41

@DishingOutDone

I think they all saw you coming OP. You're obsessed with politeness and yet you allow this crap in your own house, and your DP positively encourages it!

Whilst I agree that OP's DP is taking OP for granted, I think it's unfair to say relatives are treating OP like a mug given OP has said they are very hospitable to her when they visit relatives (tea and food etc).

Smotheroffive · 28/10/2019 18:50

does loads of things for me

Thats quite the attitude that pp are concerned about.

That your DH doesn't take responsibility. Sorry.

Agreeing with pp, speak to people!!

minesagin37 · 28/10/2019 18:53

Turf the lazy moo out of bed and say you have another guest arriving. She's taking the piss!

NightOwl27 · 28/10/2019 19:08

Bigger question, did she ask for your wifi password and could she have drained your data limit by watching Netflix for 72 hours?

ChongADong · 28/10/2019 19:11

I thought I took a long time to get ready.

SouthernComforts · 28/10/2019 19:17

Why haven't you rang or text your DH's cousin and said "what is wrong with your wife, she won't leave the bedroom?"