Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a house guest who has been in bed since Saturday and her husband doesn’t seem bothered. WWYD?

999 replies

hangingabout · 28/10/2019 11:03

DH’s cousin and his new wife arrived on Saturday from the US. They’re only here until tomorrow. On Saturday afternoon, I had made lunch for about 20 people because other relatives came over to see them, but the wife went to bed after about one hour. All she ate was a tiny piece of roti and she was very quiet. Fair enough, I thought, she’s probably jet-lagged. Anyway, she has not been seen since! I’m not sure what to do now.
Yesterday morning, I made brunch but she didn’t surface. DH said to just leave a tray outside her door and knock. She didn’t answer, but the tray had disappeared later on. Then DH and his cousin were cycling all afternoon, but no sign of her. I asked the cousin if his wife was ok when they got back and he said she was “just lying down” Hmm and didn’t need any dinner. Then DH took him to the pub.
Today I was meant to be taking her out but still no sign. DH has gone to work and the cousin has gone to meet some business contacts. I have 3 teen / tweens here. AIBU to just go out and leave her a note?

OP posts:
whitebowls · 28/10/2019 16:48

Personally, I think the female house guest is incredibly rude.
Terrible behavior.
There are no excuses.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 28/10/2019 16:48

This is so mysterious. Are you as intrigued as I am, OP? Or have you reached the point where you just can't wait to see the back of her?

dudsville · 28/10/2019 16:52

Has she travelled from the east coast, and perhaps with long lay overs? Some journeys can be a9 hr time difference and over 24 hours long door to door. Maybe some sort of travel anxiety? Still no excuse,but may add to the reason.

OnlineShopping · 28/10/2019 16:55

It’s just rude. Even if she was pregnant, or anxious, she could apologise and make up an excuse for why she was in her room if she didn’t want to say.

MaeveDidIt · 28/10/2019 16:57

Weird and very rude behaviour. I don't know how anyone could behave so terribly in someone else's house.
Well done for being so kind and patient.

slinkysaluki · 28/10/2019 17:11

Rude cow i wouldnt be taking trays up, if she wants lunch she can bloody well come downstairs for it.

Original poster
hangingabout · 28/10/2019 17:12

The thing is, I’ve known DH’s cousin for 15 years and he’s not strange at all. He’s actually very easy-going which is why this is all the stranger. He works in finance which is why he’s been out today because he must have some associates over here or something like that. I did just knock and offer her a glass of wine, but she declined that. I asked her when her husband was coming back and she said probably about 6. I said DH was booking a table and was Thai food ok, or would she prefer something else and she just said “ok.” It’s so odd. She is dressed now and has her hair and make up done. She still has all clothes all over the bed and looks as if she’s been repacking - all day! I don’t think she ventured out to do the ironing. She doesn’t seem to be on medication, well not noticeably.
If she carries on like this in India, god knows what they’ll think and it will get back home that she is acting very rudely.
When his family come, it’s usually the opposite, especially the older ones because the whole thing is about food. They take about two hours over breakfast, then the second the last spoon is put away, they start on about what their doing for lunch. It’s never-ending. If you’re going out anywhere, it’s a big hoo haa about taking snacks in carrier bags. Then it’s dinner which takes hours and hours and then repeat it all again the next day. But at least they are all very nice fun people and they appreciate that I can cook their food and they get involved, even though it can be a bit overwhelming. But this one is something else. DH doesn’t seem to get it - he says, maybe she’s just getting ready. Hmm I feel like he’s oblivious to what’s going on sometimes and it drives me mad and this is why I get worked up more than I probably should. But Thankyou for the support today.

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 28/10/2019 17:14

Wow. If this is how I would have to treat guests I would stop having them.
Room service? Overnight guests are lucky if I make them a cuppa.
Someone might not have a key? The person who doesn't want to go out lets them in,
No-one, to serve tea? They not able to do it themselves. Or what's wrong with the person who let them in?

Tradition can change, you don't have to go along with the rest of society. Anyone who sleeps under my roof is considered a part of the household, and don't get waited on. Even friends who don't sleepover will often make a cuppa. Those that don't like it can deal with it. I also refuse to be waited on in someone else's home, it's not a hotel.

She's hungry, either she can come down and eat. Or her husband can take food to her. She won't starve.
Maybe later? Bollocks to that - we are going out in 30 minutes, whoever wants to come be ready. I wouldn't have left a note either.

Yes I know what it's like to have mh issues. I've never used it as a reason to be rude. If I'm somewhere else and going through issues, illness or whatever. I at least have the decency to let the hosts know. If not contagious I will make appearances and not just lock myself away. And so what if it's early pregnancy, she's mobile, she could come down at any point and say hello.

And when it's finally maybe later, she can use google maps and find the way herself. Or she can book herself a cab there and back. You asked you said you were going. Too bad she now decides it's time.

ffswhatnext · 28/10/2019 17:15

Getting ready? What since Saturday?

EdWinchester · 28/10/2019 17:20

How rude of her. I’d be getting cross by now.

And your husband sounds useless.

angell84 · 28/10/2019 17:20

I actually think that this is normal in many cultures.

I have been to stay with a family in Indonesia for example, and the mother barely left the kitchen - was very shy and subserviant, and her husband and son did all the talking.

I could see this happening in other cultures, women being shy, subservient, and keeping out of the way. Letting the men do the talking

Ellisandra · 28/10/2019 17:24

It’s a weird situation, but not as weird as you waiting for your husband’s permission to leave, and then basically sneaking out but it’s OK because he’s none the wiser Confused

Fuck that.

Should have been a knock and letting her know you were going out, and a text to your friend of 15 years to say you were also out and to help himself to bloody tea, if he wants it.

Original poster
hangingabout · 28/10/2019 17:25

Well she’s missed the chance to go anywhere now, so that’s that. And I’m a bit annoyed with DH because there is no way I would expect him to stay in for days on end and do all the catering for any of my family when they come to visit. Fair enough, he goes to work, but it would still be nice if he asked me rather than presume it’s all ok and then never even think to help me with any shopping, cooking, changing beds or anything. He could find a way to get involved. We had people here for weeks on end over the summer and I don’t think he realises how tiring it is. I would just like him to acknowledge that this behaviour today is weird and for him to say something like, “sorry you’ve been inconvenienced this weekend,” rather than dismissing it as nothing to make a fuss about. And his cousin must know his wife is likely to behave like this so why not acknowledge it, rather than buggering off on bikes yesterday and wherever he’s been today without a word about it.

OP posts:
angell84 · 28/10/2019 17:26

Yes, stand up to your husband!

Ginfordinner · 28/10/2019 17:27

Instead of asking if she is OK why don't you ask her why she has stayed in the room the whole time?

Ellisandra · 28/10/2019 17:27

Maybe the wife has seen how subservient you’re expected to be to your husband and has been a 3 day “WTF have I done?” crisis, too depressed to come out of her room - now she has seen her life in 14 years time? Wink

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 28/10/2019 17:29

If she carries on like this in India, god knows what they’ll think and it will get back home that she is acting very rudely.

Confused so? What does it matter that other gossipy people will think she’s rude?

Beveren · 28/10/2019 17:31

We had people here for weeks on end over the summer and I don’t think he realises how tiring it is

In that case tell him that if he invites people in future he is going to have to do his fair share of cooking, cleaning, shopping and all the other work this entails - because you won't be doing it all by yourself ever again.

ffswhatnext · 28/10/2019 17:33

I'm surprised the friendship has lasted this long if this is how you are treated when you have guests.
Maybe if you hadn't known either of them long and it was an emergency situation I could understand looking after them a bit more. But even then, not to this insane level.

You guest really has to be the ultimate cheeky fucker who somehow got the menfolk involved to make it your problem. Once you have permission that is.

And I still cannot get over people are defending her actions and those of her husband. And if she's ill he's a bigger cunt for just leaving her without no-one knowing what is going on. If she was ill, so ill that she hasn't been out since Saturday you would think he would mention it, asking if you wouldn't mind keeping an eye on her and he'd be as quick as possible. Actually they are both cheeky fuckers.

ffswhatnext · 28/10/2019 17:36

Tell your husband to get off his arse and do the shopping, cleaning, making beds. Although he shouldn't need telling, he should be doing it anyway then he would know the more people you have in a home, the more work it involves.

stucknoue · 28/10/2019 17:40

Is English her first language, is she Indian descent, just wondering if that's a reason but my hunch is either she never wanted to come or had a row on the way ... who knows but tell your husband he needs to help next visitor

Original poster
hangingabout · 28/10/2019 17:40

Sorry to rant. I’m not subservient to my husband and I really don’t mean it to sound like that. He does loads of things for me. It’s just the whole hospitality thing in his family is a certain way, so I just go with it. Usually I don’t mind having anyone to stay and it’s absolutely fine, but this has annoyed me today. Plus I just can’t understand how anyone could have actually stayed in a room all this time. It would make me crazy. I thought she’d be really extrovert because of the wedding they had. She had about 15 outfits, looked absolutely beautiful and the whole thing was fabulous. Plus everyone at that wedding was going on and making speeches about all her qualifications that she achieved overseas and how focused she was etc etc I didn’t expect this!

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 28/10/2019 17:43

From your update she’s probably just a bit antisocial or anxious

I thought she had a high-flying job (that she gave up)?

plightofthealbatross · 28/10/2019 17:45

Tell you DH to get his butt home and sit in the house bored out of his mind until she comes out then. His cousin/cousin's wife, his problem. Not yours. He can bring her food, too. Wanker.

You should go out if you want to go out.

ffswhatnext · 28/10/2019 17:49

But surely you understand that sneaking out because you didn't have your husbands permission isn't healthy?
Nor is getting told to take food to someone who can get off their ass and come downstairs.
It doesn't matter what is a tradition in his family. Traditions start at home and you are more than free to start your own. You don't have to go along with things simply to please others, you have to also enjoy having guests. And when you're running around like this madness you aren't are you?