Falling asleep with newborn

[youcantsitwithusxo]

Posting in here for traffic..
My DD is 4 weeks old. Every night me or DP unintentionally fall asleep with her on our chest. She's quite needy and will tend to fall asleep being held (she likes to be on our chest) and then once she's asleep we transfer her into her crib. However it has become a daily accurance that during this process we will fall asleep with her on our chest. This is terrifying me because of all the things I've heard about SIDS but I can't stress enough that we try so hard to not fall asleep like this but somehow it keeps happening. Most nights I will wake up on the sofa with her on my chest and DP fast asleep on the chair or vice versa with me waking up to find DP asleep with her on his chest. I then go into a panic checking that she's breathing! I've talked to family and friends about this who just say put her in her crib when you're tired but the thing is, I could be feeling fine watching tele holding her and then next thing I'm waking up hours later holding her. It's hard to just put her in her crib when she's not tired because she screams so that's where the holding her and falling asleep ends up happening. I feel like such a bad parent because I know how dangerous this is! It's really scaring me and I dunno what to do.. any advice if you've gone through this? What worked for you? Am I a bad mum for falling asleep with my newborn on me most nights?

A lot of people on this thread are saying swaddling is fine if you do it safely - the NHS are now specifically saying do not swaddle, as babies can overheat and not be able to move their arms out etc to cool themselves. This is as of two weeks ago when I did my NHS antenatal class (at one of London's two hospitals that are maternity centres of excellence).

We got told the opposite at our NHS classes! The problem is that when you have them being delivered by different midwives with different training, experience, etc. there are going to be differences in advice. Even in the sane hospital we had conflicting advice from midwives. I didn't take anything said as gospel and researched the important stuff for myself.

The Love2Dream arms up bags are amazing.

@leomama81 do yo have a link? I know there are concerns for the hips if the swaddle is too tight. The midwives themselves swaddled my son in hospital 3 years ago.

@leomama81 can you link to the no swaddling guidance? The nhs use the lullaby trust guidance which states that whilst they do not advise for or against swaddling, they do urge parents to follow the advice below.

Use thin materials
Do not swaddle above the shoulders
Never put a swaddled baby to sleep on their front
Do not swaddle too tight
Check the baby’s temperature to ensure they do not get too hot

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/swaddling-slings/

Further swaddling safety advice

www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/slings-and-swaddling/swaddling-baby-benefits-risks-and-seven-safety-tips

OP have you tried feeding lying down, baby then is likely to fall asleep, and you can either then gently move into the next 2 me, or you can safely co sleep.

YANBU to be tired and doing something you thought you wouldn't. However YABU not to proactively try to keep her safe by doing something different. A sleepyehead by the way is no safer for unobserved sleep, I wouldn't use one personally but I know many people swear by them.

Can you nap in the day, settle her in her pram and then get some rest? You deserve rest too!

Have you tried the Sleepyhead? My daughter loved being in that, wrapped up snugly in a blanket with Ewan next to her. I know it's hard but she will eventually get used to not sleeping on you. Try putting her down in her Moses basket, or Sleepyhead if you do decide to buy one, and laying next to her, patting and stroking her so she knows you're there. Sometimes laying very close to your baby with your hand on her becomes the next best thing to her laying on your chest.
I echo what everyone else has said though, please don't sleep with her in the chair. I'm sure there was a story in the last year or so about a mum whose baby had slipped down the side of the chair after she fell asleep and suffocated :o(

In addition: I used the Sleepyhead for naps only, she was in her crib for nighttime sleeping. I know there are some conflicting reports on it but it's got to be safer than sleeping together on sofa/chair.

Ugh.. wish you could edit posts on here. There was obvs not meant to be a smiley face on my original post!

I was also told not to swaddle as they overheat and can't regulate temp - this was at a very large central London hospital

@converseandjeans cosleeping can be done safely. What the OP is doing is not safe, I agree. But saying you're creating bad habits in a four week old baby is both crap, and unhelpful.

moregin we will have to agree to disagree. There are loads of people on MN complaining about children still not sleeping through at 18mo/2yo. I think start as you mean to go on - otherwise it gets very hard to undo a habit. I think getting a baby into a routine from day 1 is the right thing to do & I think telling new Mums with babies not sleeping that they need not bother attempting a routine is bad advice. A sleep deprived Mum may get PND, crash a car, feel overwhelmed. Babies can and do get into a routine early on - but I do know MN despises people who put the effort into a routine & have babies that sleep. Of course some babies have special needs or reflux. Everyone thrives on routine - nurseries, schools operate on this basis. It's not a horrible thing to do to establish one.

So you can't breastfeed her back to sleep in her Cosleeping crib without moving her? I only ask because I have the exact same crib. I would just lean over and breastfeed while holding my baby's side so it felt as though they were being held. Then when they got too big for the crib I bought a proper cot and took one of the sides off and pushed that up against our bed and continued the routine.
If that doesn't work then I guess the only alternative is to stand while baby is sleeping on you so you can't fall asleep.

Please do not allow yourself to fall asleep with her on the sofa. My brother's collegue woke up this way to find her baby had suffocated between her and the back of the sofa.

Don’t use a sleepyhead that’s just as bad. They have been linked to numerous deaths and the manufacturers state they are only to be used under supervision NEVER overnight.

Sitting up with the baby in a bed (with duvets and pillows away from them) is safer than sitting up with them on a sofa, yes. Obviously lying down with them would be safer still, but we're talking about reducing risk, not doing the safest thing possible. As that is putting the baby in a cot which isn't realistic for OP.

Same for swaddling - swaddling not ideal, but a hell of a lot safer than unplanned co-sleeping on a sofa. And generally thought of as safe as long as layers are adhered to and baby is not placed on their front or side.

Agree worrying about bad habits irrelevant/unhelpful in this situation. Survival first.

I used an alarm that is intended for deaf people. It vibrates harshly. There's a setting for it to go off every 1 minute, 2 minutes, 5 minutes or you can set a time. Set it to go off every 1 minute and stick it in your pocket. It will keep waking you up. Honestly, after it's gone off two or three times, you end up staying awake. For naps and sleeping at night, she should be going into a cot, moses basket or next to me type thing. I assume this is just during the day and in the evening when you're holding her? Maybe try for a better sleep routine for yourself so you aren't so tired (I know, such a stupid suggestion with a baby!)

I found this difficult as well, so I used these swaddle wraps, www.kidly.co.uk/products/love-to-dream/swaddle-up-50-50-original/7527?gclid=CjwKCAjwo9rtBRAdEiwA_WXcFtdYZCumPzpiyepiFGv6WwRyLIM5dK5wVgFr7j1zi4soOQn8ueBefRoCemwQAvD_BwE
We had a chicco next to me strapped to the bed and I used to pay next to her and stroke her, song to her etc until she was asleep. That way she was safe if I fell asleep but I wasn’t leaving her to cry. The swaddle definitely helped and they’re very thin and breathable. I’d say that’s much safer to swaddle than risk falling asleep with her in your arms. Then for night feeds I would set an alarm on low and read on my phone to help me not fall asleep, as soon as the feed finished, she’d go back in her crib.

@Indella please don't make stuff like that up.

THIS is on actual fact a direct quote from the sleepyhead website:

Sleepyhead® Deluxe and Sleepyhead® Grand are designed to be comfy and ultra-reliable sleeping pods for little ones ages 0-36 months. You can use Sleepyhead® for safe co-sleeping, crib inserts, supervised tummy time, play time, snuggle time, naps, as a changing station, or any time you need to put baby down in a comforting spot. The Grand is a comfortable spot for toddlers to sleep in overnight and is ideal for safely easing the crib to bed transition.

Oh and this too:

Some parents prefer not to co-sleep. Most cots and cribs are not snug enough for the newborn. By slipping Sleepyhead® in as an insert, the baby sleeps snug and safe. And when it's time to move from the bassinet to a big cot, or from the parents' bed to a crib, the transition is easy with the Sleepyhead® as you bring it along and it creates a familiar surrounding for the baby.

Make your own assessments of what you feel is safe and appropriate for your baby, but please don't tell people things which are untrue.

I was like you SnugStars. I had a next to me as well and it was when I lifted my son out to breastfeed him that I needed the alarm incase I dozed off. As soon as the feed was finished, he was back in the next to me where I would hold his hand, sing to him etc then we would both doze off

I used a sleepyhead and it was brilliant I can't fault it at all, I'm planning on using it 2nd time around also

Well effectively you are Co sleeping with her if you are both asleep, only in the most dangerous way possible. Sort out an effective way of doing it with the crib near you in the bedroom. She should,sleep with you for the first few months anyway. She is far to you to do the cry to sleep method, even if you did want to try it.

@M0reGinPlease The Lullaby Trust says not to use them. My midwife and health visitor told me not to use them. Of course the companies will say it's fine, they want you to buy it.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/the-lullaby-trust-issues-warning-about-some-popular-baby-sleeping-products-sold-in-high-street-stores/

Sleepyhead is NOT just as bad, although again it is not best practice.

Baby is safer in a sleepyhead on their back in a cot than on OP's/DH's chest potentially being dropped into and/or off a sofa.

Sleep pods/nests have not been associated with any deaths. Sleep positioners have but those are not the same thing. The reason they aren't recommended is that they contravene the "firm flat surface" advice.

I usually don't like them, and I wouldn't put any store by the marketing guff on their site (I don't find it reassuring at all) BUT in this situation, we are dealing with harm reduction, and it would be a significant reduction in risk to use the sleepyhead over risky co-sleeping.

@bertiebots Sorry but you’re wrong. I have personally dealt with a death relayed to using a sleepyhead and the manufacturer has now issued guidance to all midwives stating they MUST be used under supervision.

Going from risky sleeping to risky sleeping doesn’t reduce harm it just changes it. The risk to baby when falling asleep with them isn’t falling off. If anything a fall would wake baby and wake the parent. The risk is positional asphyxia and rebreathing which is the same problem associated with sleepyheads.