Falling asleep with newborn

[youcantsitwithusxo]

Posting in here for traffic..
My DD is 4 weeks old. Every night me or DP unintentionally fall asleep with her on our chest. She's quite needy and will tend to fall asleep being held (she likes to be on our chest) and then once she's asleep we transfer her into her crib. However it has become a daily accurance that during this process we will fall asleep with her on our chest. This is terrifying me because of all the things I've heard about SIDS but I can't stress enough that we try so hard to not fall asleep like this but somehow it keeps happening. Most nights I will wake up on the sofa with her on my chest and DP fast asleep on the chair or vice versa with me waking up to find DP asleep with her on his chest. I then go into a panic checking that she's breathing! I've talked to family and friends about this who just say put her in her crib when you're tired but the thing is, I could be feeling fine watching tele holding her and then next thing I'm waking up hours later holding her. It's hard to just put her in her crib when she's not tired because she screams so that's where the holding her and falling asleep ends up happening. I feel like such a bad parent because I know how dangerous this is! It's really scaring me and I dunno what to do.. any advice if you've gone through this? What worked for you? Am I a bad mum for falling asleep with my newborn on me most nights?

@lioness88
We have recently got a sleepyhead but we've not tried her on it that many times. I will try her on it today to see how she is being placed on it whilst awake.

If you are regularly falling asleep holding baby, you need new sleep strategies, for you guys, the parents!
It's normal for babies of this age to want to be cuddled to sleep. Look up the 4th trimester.

You need to sleep in shifts. I was going to bed at 8 in the spare room and had until 1 clear of baby, whilst husband got what sleep he could whilst caring for baby. We then swapped for the rest of the night.
It means that we each got a 5 hour block and grabbed sleep elsewhere when we could.
It doesn't last forever, so just accept that you have to sleep at weird time for a month or 2.
Please please try harder not to fall asleep holding baby. It's scary how unaware you are when you sleep and quite dangerous, as you know.

You are not a bad mum at all. You are just tired.

You have said you can't co sleep as she likes being held.... can't you lie on your side and put your underneath arm under your baby and hold her on her back?

Not sure if anyone can clarify if this follows safe sleeping guides but was just thinking that's how I breastfed my newborn lying down. It is also much safer than what you are doing now. Then when she's asleep you can move her into the next to me.

Ps, try using white noise when your baby sleeps

I have the original swaddle me blankets but I've been told by a midwife and HV not to swaddle her because "swaddling is dangerous” this is incorrect! Swaddling is fine as long as you follow the guidance outlined on the lullaby trust website.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/swaddling-slings/

You could also try a baby sleeping bag as these kind of swaddle the baby too, just check the manufacturers guidance for the correct tog rating.

I’d suggest sleeping in shifts. You don’t need two of you to care for one small baby.

@Russell19 the guidance is to place baby on their back when co-sleeping.

You need to get her used to going to sleep independently otherwise you will get her into the habit of expecting to be cuddled to sleep. When you have another one you'll be run ragged trying to get them both to sleep.
Both mine would be put down same time every night in dark room & would go to sleep without crying. They were in own rooms from couple of weeks old which gets bad press on here - but I would say this is safer than what you're doing.
I honestly think a routine is best from day one as they get used to what's happening next. So they don't cry as much. Again this is not a popular view on MN.
I posted on another link recently & Scandinavia have babies sleeping alone outside in a large pram for naps & their SIDS rates are really low compared to UK.
Try letting her self settle - has she got baby sleeping bag? Also could you put her in buggy and take her for walk to settle her (if you don't like idea of her in own room?)

To answer some questions..
We put her in her grobag (baby sleep bag) every night.
We have a Ewan the sheep and two other toys that play white noise, we use these every night.
I breast feed

Our baby couldn’t be put down as a newborn, he squealed in pain every time we tried, turned out he had undiagnosed silent reflux which sorted it but until that time we had to hold him or he screamed.
I think you should follow some of the really great advice you have been given if you are actually able to put your baby down.
We slept in shifts around hubby’s work so that we’d both had at least 4 hours sleep which was enough for us to stay awake. I never felt like I’d drop off tbh, no idea how. Hubby used to just pace the living room to stay awake.
Don’t fall asleep with baby, it’s horrendously dangerous.
Forget tv or spending time together until you get your little one settled, which does happen.

We starting teaching self settling to my son at 5 weeks. We would swaddle him and put him in the crib and place a hand on his chest if we was getting upset. Remove hand and stay close by and keep repeating till he has happy to lie there.

With all of these things it takes time. As it's cold there are loads of tricks to help like hot water bottle to warm the crib or Muslim under baby with your warm.

Also - if little one wants you and your warm - on bad nights I remember wrapping him in my sleep T-shirt.

Although 4 weeks is still little - for night I would start thinking of building an evening routine so she starts to know its bed time. I did with my son as he had evening colic and it was our only way to survive.

Please google safe cosleeping if you are breastfeeding.

If you are bottle feeding then you need to take it in shifts, even if you go to bed 6pm til 11pm to get a decent chunk of sleep.

Please please do not keep falling asleep with newborn on your chest.

Mine didn't demonstrate any ability to self settle until over a year, some are like that. Safe sleep advice isn't helpful when you have a baby who doesn't sleep when put down in the recommended way. A clear firm mattress is the best option here, sometimes all you can do is the best option.

"Both mine would be put down same time every night in dark room & would go to sleep without crying". So because this worked for you, it will work for everyone? Or were you lucky (and unusual) to have kids that settled easily instead of crying non-stop??

People need to fuck right off with the social services comments. It's none of their business and you must know it. It's not illegal not to follow guidance!
I too did this and cried and was so upset and frightened op. The only thing I could do in the end was as Constanta said, having her on my chest in middle of bed. My arms were propped up round her with v shaped pillow, so I never let her go - used to wake up with her still in same position. Only way I could get any sleep. If I hadn't done it I would have fallen asleep while walking with her I think, I got so tired. But if you found swaddling worked for you, it sounds like that might be better . Sounds like PPS have recommended safe ways of swaddling.

aroundnabout no not lucky. It was hard work sticking to a routine but I honestly believe it works. It's just unpopular on here. On MN it seems that "all babies cry" "won't self settle" and I don't believe this is true. Babies are capable of going to sleep with no fuss. It's just not the done thing on MN to do a routine & put them down to sleep alone.

OP I've known so many mums who have this exact same dilemma and yes, it happened to me a few times too. What scared me is that I didn't remember falling asleep or even feeling all that tired and I'd wake up hours later laying on the sofa with baby.

When that research about sleeping on your left in pregnancy came out a year or two ago (they've said it's best for years but a study was finally done that confirmed it), so many of my friends were the same when they woke up on their right or, God forbid(!), their back. It created a lot of anxiety. I'm. It saying it isnt true but sometimes it can be counter intuitive how they deliver this information.

I found myself doing this with mine and it scared me so did a combination of things. Set an alarm and also sometimes rocked her to sleep standing up so that I couldn't fall asleep.
You have my sympathies. It’s exhausting! X

@youcantsitwithusxo if you’re breastfeeding try doing on your side in bed and follow the co-sleeping guidance in case you fall asleep, it’s much safer doing this than falling asleep on the sofa.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

Please read the guidance on the lullaby trust website rather than taking advice on an Internet forum...

@converseandjeans I do actually agree with you to be honest, once we got the reflux sorted we worked really hard on a bedtime routine, and settling in the cot on his own, sometimes we had to sit with him for two hours soothing him. Once he was put down he was never picked back up. Eventually the time taken to settle shortened and it got easier. We started it at about 2.5 months and by 4 months he slept through and now he goes 6.30-6.30 (or 5.30 yesterday thanks to the clocks!) It is hard work and perseverance yes and he never cried it out.
However this definitely does not work for everyone and everything.
And between my baby coming home at 6 weeks and having his relfux sorted at 2.5 months we had many weeks of having to sleep any how we could. Some people can’t put their babies down for a variety of reasons in the early days and there needs to be conversations about safe solutions for this.

Swaddling has to be done correctly and isnt recommended if the baby can lift its upper body with its arms and roll over. My youngest could from much younger than the older 2. Not in a really meaningful way that meant she was mobile super early but she could roll over from quite a young age and support her head and upper body. We we terrified she'd crawl at 4 months or something.

OP, sending hugs to you. Sleep deprivation plus hormones makes this such a hard time.

You know what you’re doing is the riskiest of all the options available to you and you know you need to change it. That’s great, we should be helping you change it, not slagging you off.

Have you tried one of the stretchy gro swaddles with a zip? They’re tighter and keep the arms in and may help her feel more secure.

In the evenings I wouldn’t sit on the sofa at all. Go to bed. When she’s sleepy, put her in the next 2 me cot and keep your hand on her tummy. It might be tough at first but you will get through it. Obviously if she’s very distressed pick her up again but if you’re this tired it’s best to avoid letting her sleep on you for prolonged periods. Let her fall asleep, get into a deeper sleep then put her down.

I understand. I’ve been there. I have twins and obviously I couldn’t hold them for every sleep and they survived. I understand that when you’re exhausted you just want to do whatever to maximise sleep. But you do need to fix this as you’re taking huge risks, which you know.

How late is it when it happens?
Why are you falling asleep? Who has been getting up in the night?

I think you need to sort out a roster alternating I’m being the one who has to stay awake and supervise. And the other can doze or just go to bed without the baby. I don’t understand why you need to be lying down with the baby anyway. Can’t you sit and watch tv?

I have to say I cannot empathise at all with your situation as I had terrible insomnia with mine and never managed to accidentally fall asleep with them

I haven’t read all the replies but have you tried a type of swing? Look at 4Mom’s Mummaroo for example. It has different settings for movement and sounds. Could you put her in that with your top from that day?

I’m just trying to think of ways she may be distracted from being close but still having your smell. Then once she is asleep you can transfer. I know the guidelines say they shouldn’t sleep in these types of things but it is a hell of a lot safer for her to fall asleep there if you happen to fall asleep too where she is strapped in rather than her falling off of your chest.

Look into alternative options of settling her that avoids her cot and your chest.

Do not do this on the couch, it really is dangerous. Just move upstairs earlier. Do whatever you do on the sofa, on the bed. Wear a thick hoodie or dressing gown so you dont need a duvet and make sure she is not near any pillows. Then it dowsnt matter if you fall asleep