Falling asleep with newborn

[youcantsitwithusxo]

Posting in here for traffic..
My DD is 4 weeks old. Every night me or DP unintentionally fall asleep with her on our chest. She's quite needy and will tend to fall asleep being held (she likes to be on our chest) and then once she's asleep we transfer her into her crib. However it has become a daily accurance that during this process we will fall asleep with her on our chest. This is terrifying me because of all the things I've heard about SIDS but I can't stress enough that we try so hard to not fall asleep like this but somehow it keeps happening. Most nights I will wake up on the sofa with her on my chest and DP fast asleep on the chair or vice versa with me waking up to find DP asleep with her on his chest. I then go into a panic checking that she's breathing! I've talked to family and friends about this who just say put her in her crib when you're tired but the thing is, I could be feeling fine watching tele holding her and then next thing I'm waking up hours later holding her. It's hard to just put her in her crib when she's not tired because she screams so that's where the holding her and falling asleep ends up happening. I feel like such a bad parent because I know how dangerous this is! It's really scaring me and I dunno what to do.. any advice if you've gone through this? What worked for you? Am I a bad mum for falling asleep with my newborn on me most nights?

I think your midwife is incorrect about swaddling. The lullaby trust even say it is safe and their guidance is what the NHS follow. However, I think it can increase the risk if the baby overheats. We got round this by using breathable cotton wraps that fasten with Velcro so they can't rise up over the face and don't get too hot. My friend also recommended the zippy ones that PP mentioned. I really found swaddling was the only thing that got us any sleep in the early days and I'm pretty sure it's got to be safer than falling asleep holding your baby.

I agree with everyone else - you absolutely cannot continue to do this.

As your baby likes swaddling, could you use that to help her go more soundly asleep more quickly, so you aren't so tired? When I want to help our baby to sleep (and have done the clean nappy - full tummy - no wind routine), I hold her in my arms but tuck a large muslin firmly over the top so she doesn't flail her arms through overtiredness.

I sit either on a hard chair (our office chair swivels and she seems to like that) or I walk / stand and sway if I feel tired, and she is normally asleep pretty quickly. The muslin is only on top so I can let it go easily when she's gone to sleep without having to wrestle her out of something wound around her.

You can warm her crib (I've been known to put a Moses basket mattress up my jumper for five mins) and then when you put her in, foot to foot and on her back, put the blanket under her armpits so her arms are on top, folding the sleeve cuffs over to keep her hands warm if need be. Then tuck it in a little around her - not tightly but so she feels more secure.

OP I found this stage soooo hard I really feel for you. When I found me and DH were getting so tired we were at risk of falling asleep we made a lot of changes.

1st of all I found if my baby needed to be held I'd get up and go to a different room to sit in a separate chair instead of just propping myself up in bed. I also got myself a kindle to read something interesting on rather than mindlessly scrolling though my phone and also had headphones handy for my phone so I could watch something on Netflix for the really dire nights.

With regards to swaddling we used the Love to Dream swaddle. It's basically a sleeping bag come swaddle but let's babies arms keep some freedom - so he could still move his hands albeit they were covered, to suck on his fists and give me feeding cues in the middle of the night.

We also found a warm hot water bottle in the next to me removed just before putting him in bed helped the transition last a bit longer but what helped lost of all was holding hands. He'd sleep for hours longer if we were holding hands - like he just needed that bit of physical contact and holding hands was enough. To settle him to begin with a warm hand resting on his tummy really helped calm him down too. Then I'd scoot myself halfway down the bed and we'd hold hands and sleep much better.

It gets so much easier so soon but the sleep deprivation is horrible!

Congrats on your baby girl and good luck - but you are almost out of the crazy sleep deprivation time. I mean my baby is almost 11 months and he still doesn't sleep much but it's NOTHING like those early days!!!

Also we only transitioned to the actual grobag once the startle reflex subsided as otherwise he woke himself up eeeeeeveytime. But the love to dream swaddle definitely helped whilst also being safe for his hips and I felt was quite similar to a sleeping bag so wasn't too much of a big change when the time came.

Do whatever you do on the sofa, on the bed. Wear a thick hoodie or dressing gown so you dont need a duvet and make sure she is not near any pillows. Then it dowsnt matter if you fall asleep

How is this safer? The baby can still roll off her chest or slip down and end up face first into a soft surface

A baby is basically a tiny quadriplegic and so horribly vulnerable.

Ignore the “social services” posters,
Seriously

It IS easily done, I defy any mother to say they haven’t nodded off and panicked. But you do need to sort it.

As you are breastfeeding won’t she feed to sleep?? With mine I set up the safe cosleeping so curled around then, crib next to bed, no soft stuff no ExDH.

Then she fed with me laid on my side, her (3DDs) on her back but learn a little too me and then onto her back when asleep. Did slowly used to then try to shift them sideways into the cosleeper cot off the bed, but that only worked a bit of the time. Sometimes as I was so tired I’d fall asleep with them feeding but that’s fine as the environment was safer.

You do feel a bit like a suckler pig though as they tend to wake and latch back on and then drop off again while you are half sleeping 😂

I think I might re-try the swaddling to be honest and the swaddleme ones we have are the Velcro ones where she can't wriggle free.
I'm the one getting up with her every night. My DP sleeps through because he's at work in the week so that's probably why I'm so exhausted because I'm the only one getting up in the night with her and my DP is tired from working (he has a physically demanding job and is up early for that hence me getting up with her in the night).

I totally get that this can happen - but I don’t really understand how it can happen by accident every night. Surely after the first or second time you would start to anticipate and take measures to prevent this. Sleep deprivation is tough but it doesn’t mean you have no control or responsibility at all, especially when there’s two of you. If you can’t get her down in her crib or Moses basket then I second researching safe co-sleeping. Also maybe have DC checked for reflux as that might be why she struggles to sleep lying down.

I think we've all done it at some point, I know I have. However I think since it's a regular thing with you I'd look into safe co-sleeping as that must be safer than what is happening now.

My top tip. Set an alarm for your phone. It shouldn't wake baby but will mean if you drop off it will wake you up. Set it for 5 mins after you know she will be down. So if it takes her around 20 mins, set it for 25 mins and then if you've fallen asleep you can safely transfer her to the cot. That's what we did.

i co-slept with DS following safe sleeping guidelines until he was 15mo. he's fine, happy, healthy and now at 2.5 sleeps through the night in his own bed. good boy!

My youngest ds is/was a clingy baby. The easiest way for us to sleep during the first few weeks was to get a baby bouncer with could be lowered to a very slightly tilted laid back position, if I felt tired I would lay him back in it and nap on the sofa next to him. It had a vibration motion on it which lulled him to sleep and health visitor said it was fine as he was on his back and not laid upright. When he dozed off when I woke up I would gently move him into his moses basket. Do whatever you need to do to survive these initial periods, co-sleeping while DH sleeps on blow up matress is perfectly safe so long as baby is outside of duvet and in a baby gro sleepbag which is cheap from asda and not near pillows. Please try to find a way to avoid sleeping together on sofa

She's far, far too little for sleep "training"!!!

We safely co-sleep after I fell asleep with my first and she rolled onto the bed next to me. (No duvet or anything but she was close to the edge of the bed!)
We now (with DC2) have a cot attached to the side of the bed and I often feed him lying down. If you are breastfeeding research indicates co-sleeping is actually safe when done properly.
DS is 9 weeks now and has been in bed with my every night, I do go to bed with him at 7/8pm though when DD goes up.
It’s hard not having the evening and DH comes up and we watch a film in bed sometimes, but it really is a short time they are so small.
DD is 5 now and the co-sleeping has not caused long term issues, she is in her own room and only occasionally comes in with us now.

You are doing great, OP. Please ignore the posters who are being nasty and judgemental. I've had two babies, one who slept fine as a newborn when I would put him down after nursing and one who fussed a lot and wanted to be held to sleep like yours. I expect some folks don't know how tough it is to stay awake with a baby who won't be put down.

For our fussy baby, my DH and I had a system for the first five weeks where he would hold her sleeping from 8pm to midnight. We would set up a station for him with snacks, telly and mobile to keep him awake.

At midnight we would switch and I would have her feeding and fussing for several hours with the same set up -- snacks, telly and mobile. I would try small stretches of putting her in the Moses basket and once she was able to stay down for an hour or so (around 5-6 weeks), I started the transition to nursing in bed and putting her back in the Moses basket after each feed.

You are trying to do what is best for your baby and so you are a good mother and on the right track. Find the setup that works for you and DH. This period won't last forever, but while you are in the thick of it, try to get at least a few hours sleep for yourself each day/night.

Do you have any other help? If someone can come hold the baby for two hours while you sleep during the day, that could really help. If you don't have any support but have a little extra cash, you can pay a postpartum doula to do this.

You need to stop the sofa sleeping though, have her with you or on you but do it safely.

OP I've done it. I think most new mums have done it. But it's not safe. I wouldn't advise the alarm idea because I have slept through one and anyway, if the worst happened, it would be no protection.

PPs have given good advice on swaddling (that plus white noise really worked for us so worth a go) and also co-sleeping with the links to Lullaby Trust.

Others including a midwife have mentioned that deaths where babies sleep as you've been doing are not uncommon. That is correct. They don't make the news - I assume out of sensitivity for the parents and the horrific situation - but they do happen with sofa sleeping more than you'd think.

Some things that you may not have tried;

Is baby definitely warm enough? Can you warm crib up with hot water bottle before placing baby down (remove the bottle obviously). Vest, pjs and sleeping bag, socks.

You both need to get more sleep. If you're not breastfeeding then each of you gets every second night completely off. Spare room or sofa with earplugs.

Walk about holding baby instead of sitting somewhere comfortable.

If all else fails you really need to look into safe co sleeping. The risk of your baby dying when you fall asleep on the sofa with them is very real. My friends cousin lost a baby this way.

What worked for me for night feeds was getting up out of bed and sitting in an uncomfortable chair.

Also swaddling can be done safely.

www.mothercare.com/bouncing-cradles-and-rockers/hello-friend-jungle-bouncer/251971.html?cgid=nursery_playtime_bouncers#start=8 this is the kind of bouncer I used for both my sons during the baby stages to help lull them to sleep and because they recline to a laid down position they won't inhibit babies airways. The vibrations are so so helpful and gave me a wee bit of capacity to cook or do things I needed. The next tip is to put on nursery rhymes, god they have kept me so sane and both my sons love them, my 2 year old calls his toy submarine mummy shark and by just turned 1 year old loves johnny johnny yes papa.

Just know you are never alone in the mummy trenches and I wish you and your daughter many years of happiness and fun!

The way I addressed this was standing up holding her until she fell asleep. Either in my arms or in a sling. Things will get easier soon, I promise. It's normal for tiny babies to want to be close to their parents. Google 'fourth trimester'.

How is this safer? The baby can still roll off her chest or slip down and end up face first into a soft surface

I think the poster was saying to lay on the bed in warm clothes so you wont need a duvet on the bed at all. Then follow safer co-sleeping guidelines in terms of positioning baby (so definitely not down your hoodie).

You need to get her used to going to sleep independently otherwise you will get her into the habit of expecting to be cuddled to sleep

Bullshit. The baby is FOUR WEEKS old. Of course she wants to be close to mum. She needs to be close to mum. Just in a safe way. OP doesn't need bullshit comments like this to worry her as well.

moregin but it's not safe is it?