To be considering a termination at 38

[IonnaS]

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

Some people long for a baby, but it never happens.
Others have babies , when in fact they never should.
Only you know what is right for you and the impact it will have.
No one has the right to judge your decision .

My perspective:
A lot of your angst seems to be focused on having a small child. Parties and not getting to use the toilet alone and not going on exotic holidays. Parenting a little child is hard graft, don't get me wrong. It is also a drop in the ocean of a lifetime. You don't stay at parties once they are 5 or 6. You get to use the loo alone once they are 3 ish or even younger. We took my eldest to Australia aged 2 and the youngest to Canada aged 3, though they are just as happy in a cottage in Wales or a campsite in France.There is a huge payoff of a life entwined with your own, guiding someone to a future where they are independent but you are their roots. It is a huge privilege. My youngest is 9 now and today she made lunch for everyone, and right now she's having a bath before she'll dry her own hair and get herself into bed. Those days of graft over all else have been gone for 4 or 5 years.

On the other hand: parenting makes you vulnerable. And I don't think that ever goes away, even when they are adults. The horror in the thought of anything bad happening, the fear of meningitis in every headache or rash, the helplessness in managing mental ill health, teen self destructive behaviour. I feel raw and opened up by the way I love my children and the fear of their demise before me. Parenting is warm, exilirating, comfortable, affirming, and terrifying in equal measure.

I don't know if you should have this baby. Your life will be less "safe" for sure. You'll miss out on heartache and you'll miss out on joy. But oh, what a ride it is you'll miss!

@IonnaS I think we sound very similar. I was missing the maternal gene - in fact was determined to be sterilised as soon as I could because I never wanted any kids at all. I went to donate eggs and had all of the tests that accompany it and was found to have low ovarian reserve and likely headed for early menopause. In the words of the consultant I saw "if you're going to have kids; now is the time". It was low enough that I couldn't donate.
I didn't get to make the choice in a reasoned and analytical way (the way I would any other life altering decision). I'm certain that with reason I'd never have conceived.
I now have two toddlers. I won't lie; it's hard though getting easier by the day. But somehow easier to bear when they're yours; when my friends told me of four month sleep regressions and developmental leaps etc I was horrified. With mine I just cracked on. I was lucky that the goods outweighed the bads (didn't stop me crying for weeks when I found out I was pregnant again; my employer was awful!) but there's a lot of support out there if it's needed. My first honestly filled a gap in my life I didn't know was there. My second completed our family unit in a way I didn't know it needed to be completed. There were resentments along the way but as they say the days are long but the years are fast - the baby bit passes quickly (in hindsight!)

Anyhow, it's a gamble. For me it completely paid off and there are two tiny, hilarious and thoroughly irrational toddlers (that will sit still in front of the telly while I do jobs - shoot me!) it could have gone the other way but finding myself pregnant and deciding to continue it turned out to be the best decision I made.

Only you can decide; other people's experiences will always sound awful until you have your own.
This is a gamble. That's it. I still go out with friends and spend money on myself. I work full time etc.
I wish you the best whichever way you go.

I think you are less likely to regret a baby than an abortion. My Aunt never wanted kids and had an abortion at a similar age and bitterly regrets it every day.

This.

So if you do decide to terminate you might be asked if you want to do a medical vs a surgical abortion. Please research what you want. Medical is basically giving birth to it, awful contractions, basically paracetamol for pain relief. I wasn't allowed to have anyone there with me going through it and I was never told that then kept over night. I advised my friend to get the surgery and she was glad she did.

OP if you've got pregnant naturally and by mistake at 38 I think that indicates that your level of fertility is healthy. If you do wish that you could rewind and go back to not being pregnant and not having to make this agonising decision, then maybe that's a voice worth listening to, in the knowledge that it is likely (although not guaranteed) that if you have a change of heart in the near future you could still conceive if you wanted to.
You do seem quite concerned about not liking small children. I second all those who say that it is different when it's your own child. I would also say that even if you're not naturally a baby and toddler person, as somebody who comes across as a very thoughtful and articulate person, you might actually love the teenager phase (which comes around faster than you imagine is possible!) and the chance to watch a fabulous new young adult human unfurl, and marvel at their capacity to think and reflect, their will to make the world better and their sheer exuberance.
One more consideration - the fact that you haven't told your partner you are pregnant strikes me as interesting. Forgive me is this is simply my surmising, but I wonder if you are 100% invested in this relationship, and whether you actually allow yourself to fully rely on and show vulnerability to your partner. If you go ahead with the pregnancy (which I hasten to add should of course ultimately be your own decision) you might have to make some fairly difficult decisions about the terms on which you parent, whether you make a go of it as a couple and therefore get used to letting your partner in on things a little more, or whether ultimately you might be happier as an independent person on an adventure with your baby. That's a separate train of thought, I know, but one of the hardest things I have found in being a mother is that I was so independent and so used to making my own decisions and not allowing myself to need anyone, and by having a child with someone I had to accept that it was no longer right or fair to be quite as insular as I had been, and I had to start sharing more decisions, feelings etc with someone else. Forgive me if I have totally misread the situation but I feel it's significant that you are choosing to deal with this dilemma alone.
I feel for you, and like others suspect that no decision is 100% the right one, and there will always be moments of regret either way, but I wish you strength to find the right decision for you.

Re technique if I go tomorrow it is scheduled as location anaesthetic surgery. I've researched that a lot and I know it's likely to be traumatic but for various reasons general anaesthesia isn't a great option.

And thinking about how horrible this is going to be is making me think that the whole thing might be wrong.

It's so unhelpful that my natural instincts feel so at odds with the "everyone wants kids!" vibes I get from people around me, especially women of my mum's generation. I feel bad that my mum would probably quite like a grandchild too.

I think a part of me would feel improved by having to make the sacrifices that would need to be made. But it's easy to imagine yourself being good at something before you actually have to do it.

@IonnaS another thing that can happen is that you start to appreciate or at least understand other people's children better after having your own.

For example I never found little boys particularly cute. Now having had two boys of my own if I spot a grubby looking little chap with messy hair and muddy boots my heart melts.

Or if I see someone's kid having a tantrum I feel a surge of sympathy and understanding.

Motherhood definitely changed me.

Anyway good luck with it.

It's so unhelpful that my natural instincts feel so at odds with the "everyone wants kids!"

I think that’s actually very common. I felt like that and I have 3 kids.

I’m not sure about sacrificing - you exchange one set of experiences for another set. It’s less of a giving up of something and more of a growing into new areas.

I had my first at 38 so glad I did.

@IonnaS are you me?! I am 37, and 9 weeks pregnant (accidentally, and unhappily). I am having a termination this week, but I have been back and forth on the decision

I am married, and we do want a child but not now. The one reason to have this child would be the chance that it might not happen again, but actually we decided that wasn’t a good enough reason

This is shocking to me. Wow, married and wanting a child, pregnant, but not sure it is the right time...

wow.

It’s not shocking to me. Just be absolutely sure that if you can’t ever have another you won’t bitterly regret it. That’s what happened to a friend of mine. There are no guarantees at 38.

Hi LBT, I hope you are feeling ok. Good that your DH is on the same page. It's all a nightmare.

I've just told my best friend (who has kids and knows me well) and he doesn't think I should go ahead because I'll feel trapped. I know you can't just follow someone else's opinion blindly but he knows me and I think this is right (I hope this is right). He didn't even hesitate I expected some "well it's hard only you can know" but no.

I am going to feel awful afterward, though. Hormones confusing the heck out of me.

I know I am enormously fortunate to live somewhere that lets me make this choice.

You've time yet to decide to keep it or not. I wouldn't go for the surgery while you're still mulling it.
Slightly different situation but I got accidentally pregnant last year. Already had 3 DC and DH & I had always agreed we would terminate an unplanned pregnancy. When it came to it I couldn't bear the thought of it but didn't really want the baby. I just wanted to turn back time and not fall pregnant. I did keep the baby, felt ambivalent throughout pregnancy, guilt when I was poorly so baby was delivered early which messed with a load of plans and certainly didn't feel a rush of love straight away. More a numbness about baby. We are a few months down the line now and the love HAS come, but it hasn't been easy.
Sorry, that was a ramble.
My point... At times I regretted not terminating. I'd STILL like to turn the clock back and not fall pregnant. But I did and now baby is here, on balance, I'm glad.

Good luck whatever you decide.

@little, you posted, I commented. Makes us both randoms.

Your position shocks me.

I am terrified of the permanent physical damage OP but there are always c-sections - I'm having one in four weeks' time. You just have to make sure you choose a hospital trust that allows maternal request caesareans. I wouldn't let that put you off.

However, I agree your reaction to the discharge is quite telling too, unless that a due to fear.

I am accidentally pregnant too at the age of 38. Finding out freaked me out because I am single and the circumstances weren't ideal. And I did think about aborting. Ultimately though I wanted a baby so all the other stuff, though terrifying, outweighed it in the end.

You have to go with your gut. One piece of advice I read at the time was - when you think of having the baby, do you feel a) dread or b) excited but scared? I felt the latter, but if it's dread, don't do this just because of pressure re last chance etc.

Whatever decision you make, it will be the right one for you.

@IonnaS

I think part of my problem is that I'm not 100% sold on the human experience and I'm not sure about foisting that on a new innocent person. My mum would say this is neurotic of me and she'd probably be correct.

I felt like this before I had children. I now have two primary school age kids and I feel it a thousand million times worse. I feel incredibly guilty

just told my best friend (who has kids and knows me well) and he doesn't think I should go ahead because I'll feel trapped. I know you can't just follow someone else's opinion blindly but he knows me and I think this is right (I hope this is right). He didn't even hesitate I expected some "well it's hard only you can know" but no.

He’s never been knocked up though, so he doesn’t have a clue on that front.

Alka - I am sorry to hear that. Was expecting the conclusion to be that you saw things differently now. I hope things get better.

My main coping mechanism at the moment is thinking that I'm a mortal speck on a rock hurtling through space and in not sure that would work with kids.

hormones confusing the hell out of me

We ARE our hormones. I had friends who thought some things were best for me, and one lone voice who didn't. I regret not listening to the lone voice. Friends also tend to say what they think we want to hear.
Don't ask friends' advice on something that concerns you and you alone.

Also unhelpfully my brain is swimming in euphoria hormones
What are these? I can't remember any hormones making me feel euphoric at 9 weeks, and I was definitely happy to be pg but mostly feeling sick and anxious, no euphoria! Could this be you being happy rather than assuming it is hormonal?