To be considering a termination at 38

[IonnaS]

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

My baby was planned and I was fully aware it was going to be life changing and hard work but nothing could ever have prepared me for how my life is unrecognisable to what it was. I do not think anyone is selfish for not wanting a child, if anything it's more selfish to have the baby on the assumption you may change your mind in the future. Just be aware that things you take for granted (lie ins, peace and quiet, free time etc) will become a distant memory and your life will be second to your child for years and years to come. I can't imagine doing that unless I was 100% committed to the idea. Only you can make the decision, go with your heart, there's no wrong answer.

Who knows what the correct decision is for you. Its so bloody frustrating that life doesn’t come with a crystal ball.
I do However agree with pp if you were 100% certain you wouldn’t be questioning it.
I to think that Doctor was way out of line saying “This might be your last chance to have kids.” It wasn’t helpful and most certainly not her place to say that.
A lot of people don’t want kids have their own and take to motherhood like a duck to water and never look back.
It can sometimes work the other way someone wants a gang, then.
They soon find out it’s not quite the lark they were expecting

You will have say 15 years of bringing up baby then they'll be out with friends at weekends and actually prob won't want to spend time with you your freedom is not lost forever, quiet returns and you can enjoy holidays/meals/hobbies without them.
The unconditional love you have for them lasts forever though!

Don't let FOMO make major life decisions for you. I love my children fiercely, there is no love like it. But that doesn't mean my life would have been somehow lesser without it. I would have experienced different kinds of love that I now never will, and it would have been a shitload less work.

Either way you'll miss out on something and gain something else, do whatever feels right today.

No judgement either way there's nothing wrong with not wanting children.

I will say though that I felt like that about children until in my 30's and I had my own - it's totally different with your own. I'm totally in love with him - I've mellowed towards other kids too.

In the future you could always adopt or foster if your feeling twords children changes.

I love my children but am not having anymore because of the expense ( just kitting our three dc in woolly hats, scarves and mittens has cost me nearly £40) plus after the birth of he LO I had terrible bleeding and mh issues.

I guess a thing that worries me about your own being different - you still have to hang out with other people's a LOT, right? At parties and social things and just popping round to play? And soft play :-/

Maybe the answer is to move to a small peaceful island!

I have 2 sons of my own and a step son-adult now but he still counts!!
I absolutely love them......other kids i can really do without-im just not keen......im honest though i tell people I will keep youre child alive whilst in my care but i am not a natural mother!!
They are hard work and to be honest pretty overrated.......but when they squeeze my neck and kiss me with their snotty nose and tell me they love me it melts my heart.
No judgement from me op.......just a hand hold x

@MrGsFancyNewVagina Just for the record, the OP does not have a husband. Get your facts right. It is her partner. And she didn't say he wouldn't step up (she referred to his relationship with his other children.) As for me trying to guilt trip the OP into having a child, you are reading things that are not there. If you actually read my posts I said the choice has to be hers but that I didn't agree with you because you banged on about children being a tie and stopping you doing what you wanted. So you could be accused of being pro-termination.

Apologies OP for this but I couldn't let these comments rest as they are unfair.

I hope you find the answer and involve your partner. A termination or a miscarriage are not something you should do alone- he made this baby as much as you did. It's your body but if he cares for you, he ought to support whatever you decide to do. If you cannot tell him you need to ask why and what that says about the relationship.

Slightly different circumstances, but I fell pregnant when I was younger and definitely not ready nor willing to bring a life into the world. That termination hasn't been regretted even once, and it has been over six years.

Only you can know if you can give 100% to raising a child- I honestly think it does the child a disservice to have a parent which isn't fully engaged.

I wouldn't put too much though on 'is this fate' or 'this might be my only chance' as it sounds like you never actively tried for this chance in the first place? It might be a good thing if you can honestly say you are relived the accident happened, but it sounds worrying to me that you felt almost relieved that you thought you might be miscarrying. Makes it sound like you were happy nature was making the choice for you- a choice you possible want to make but don't feel like you can?

Perhaps a session with a counsellor will help. An impartial third party who can get to the roots of your thoughts and hopefully help you decide either way.

babies first Christmas the thought of that oh-so-precious baByz first Christmas with the keepsake ornament makes me want to vomit a little. Still very glad I have a baby though ...

I think the other adults could make Christmas pretty bad tbh. I remember my sister being born and the fuss people made over THE BABY at Christmas and thinking she's just a very small person u weirdos. I guess I am missing the googly gene.

Maybe I should just pretend this isn't happening for another couple of months and then the decision is made for me.

I have a different plan every fifteen minutes or so :(

Thanks for all your help

Of course you can be a portable duo. And love is definitely the best adventure. Having children is the thing I've done in my life by far. Everyone worries about giving birth and how you'll feel about the baby, but you never realise just how much you love them until you're holding them in your arms. You're upset at the thought it might be your last chance, you're upset at the thought of the photo being shredded, come on op, you want this baby

Oh OP it’s a tough spot to be in and the “Shall I? Shan’t I?” is enough to drive a person bonkers.

I can only offer my own experiences. When I got pregnant the first time I was 22, in what I thought was a solid good relationship with a man I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. From the moment the pregnancy test said positive I ran cold, I knew that I really did not want to have a baby then, the man I was with didn’t either and pushed me down the road to abortion.

I know I made the right decision because the relationship went from bad to worse. But honestly there were times I cried over my choice and I even had some pretty nasty nightmares afterwards. But that was probably due to the circumstances I was in as well as the fact I hadn’t allowed myself any real time to come to a full decision - I went with my gut reaction and because the Ex was 100% against having children, I went along with it.

When I got pregnant later in life with my now DH it was a complete surprise. I was always indifferent about having children, had moved past the grief of my abortion and was content in life.

Like you, I’m not fond of other children AT ALL. I’d also been told I was unlikely to conceive the conventional way (and that IVF wasn’t guaranteed to be successful should I choose to go that route) as I have extensive damage to my uterus from long term undiagnosed endometriosis (which led to the removal of my right ovary and Fallopian tube). So when the test said positive a few months after the above mentioned surgery I was in an absolute state! I’d just come to terms with not having children and thought I was okay with that.

Like you I had no idea what to do, it was almost like minute by minute I’d go from “I can do this and want to!” to “Fuck I can’t do this, I shouldn’t do this.”

One night (after telling DH who was over the moon which made my predicament even harder!) I sat in the living room of our tiny flat, put my hand on my stomach and tried talking to the baby, at first I felt a prize twat for talking to my abdomen but after a minute or two I was having a very clear feeling - I wanted the baby. I’m not saying this works for everyone of course and even after that I still had very large periods of time where I was second guessing my decision - but I went ahead.

I was terrified of the sort of mother I’d be, my own mum was absent (at best) or drunk and abusive (at worst) and I’d not had the happiest upbringing... was so scared (still am a bit) that I’d completely screw it up!

Then I got to my first scan, where DH and I found out we were expecting Twins!

That threw my confidence in my decision into complete disarray for a while but as they grew and moved I felt more at peace with my decision. The twins arrived in October 2017 and I didn’t feel the immediate whoosh of love. But like a PP said - one day I realised just how in love with them I am!

I go to the toilet by myself (unless one of my cats decides to sneak in before I close the door). I spent the first year climbing the walls a bit because I felt I was trapped, but then I realised I was trapping myself IYSWIM- they turned two a few days ago and I honestly can’t imagine life without them now - if I tried I would probably cry.

I don’t go to any play groups with them at the moment and tend to avoid soft play when it’s busy. I still prefer to keep other kids at arms length when they’re this young (for my own sanity!) but really, life with a child (or in my case two) in tow is different and a it’s a bit more of a ball ache in the first few years to get out and about, but it’s what you make it.

That is my experience. Just that.

You must decide what is best for you @IonnaS and either way, I wish you luck

• best thing

You're not selfish, you're the opposite of selfish. You're putting your baby first by considering if you would provide them with a good life. That indicates to me you'd be a pretty good mum tbh. But only you know if you want it or not.

To me your posts read like you're only really considering this because you fear you might one day regret it otherwise. In my opinion, having a baby is such a life-altering thing, you should WANT the child, even if the thought is scary and tou feel there are big downsides.

Just wondered - if you could click your fingers and reverse what's happened, and be back where you started having never got pregnant at all, would that be an easier decision? Remove the "abortion" aspect. I've had a termination and felt sure I didn't want to proceed, but felt dreadful about the act of aborting the baby, so was never 100% in the decision. Looking back it was the right thing, even if it wasn't a "good" thing. I agree with the PP who said it's not a black and white situation and you'll never have a moment of "yes I am 100% with X choice". It's about the decisions you can live with, rather than finding the "ideal". At the end of the day, neither step is taken lightly so whichever you choose must be the right thing, for you to be willing to do it (if that makes sense!)

Sorry I've rambled. I've been where you are, for different reasons, and it's a minefield. One thing I would say is you'll probably feel better for making a decision either way. The back and forth is awful! Good luck.

I haven’t read the other replies so sorry if someone’s already said this but I just wanted to add my perspective. I have one dc. If you do go ahead with the pregnancy and don’t plan to have anymore then you’ve really got to be a hands on parents-you become their play mate, you have to have other people’s kids around to play, if you go on holiday you keep everything crossed that they’ll make friends or it’s you building sandcastles for the week. Of course, you don’t actually have to do all those things but I think DS would have been a bit miserable if I hadn’t of been prepared to muck in and play and organise trips with friends etc.

All the very best with whichever decision you make.

I have one child and found myself pregnant with another - a very unfortunate contraceptive failure.

I had a termination. I knew I couldn't do it all over again. I'm not trying to put you off but it really is bloody hard.

You simply must do what is right for you, if that means having a termination then that is absolutely valid.

If I could undo it I 100% would. Absolutely. I just feel that it's flouting providence or something to stop something that has started. And have made the mistake of reading up on development.

Also unhelpfully my brain is swimming in euphoria hormones so my mind is saying "no, love, you never wanted this and it's serious and you can't make a person live if you're ambivalent about living" but my emotions aren't really reacting to those thoughts at all.

Such an idiot.

As others have said, you can parent your way. I wasn't maternal and I didn't really want kids before I'd had them (mostly because my partner wanted them) but they were the best thing. The thing is that they are family not random kids, which really helps.

I'm quite a spontaneous person and I've (mostly) found that hasn't been a problem when parenting. How some of my friends parent (can't go to x, have to be back by y because of nap etc) suffocating.

You adjust your expectations and with multiple children it gets harder but one child is a pretty good half way house. Our toddler tends to not go to bed ubtil 8/9ish, but can easily cope with later nights on occasion. So she comes with us to parties etc, or sometimes we'll crash at a friend's house. I took her to Istanbul backpacking when she was a year old and did all the sights were her on my back. We eat out at restaurants with her. She's actually good company.

One child, bottle feed or mix feed so you don't always havr to be the one staying in, and use babysitters or just take baby with you in the early months and actually you can do most things. I've known people go on giant road trips for the first 6 months of their babies lives, all sorts. It is what you make it. If you want to. Oh and I still avoid other people's kids when out because they annoy me so much.

You needn't feel embarrassed about wanting a termination. Yes maybe if you did have the child you'd love them and be very happy - but it sounds like you don't want one and you weren't planning on having one. I agree you shouldn't have this child if you're not totally sure you should.

Great post hugthe. Love that approach!

Op I got pregnant with my second child at 44. Felt the way you did and really struggled with what to do especially with my relationship faltering and knowing how old I was and what it meant for my next 20 years.

I decided to go through with the pregnancy and honestly still felt ambivalent throughout. Once she was here and I got through the baby stage it's/she's been a joy although a lot of work.

I felt like if I was waffling that was a sign that I wasn't certain and was leaning to keeping the baby. I felt like if I was certain I wanted to terminate the decision would have been clearer and I would have been more resolute in my decision.

I hope that makes sense. Try to picture the next 20 years with and without a child - the good and the bad of both and that includes school runs and career sacrifices as well as the joy of having a child and weigh that up with the pros and cons of a life without children.

Finally if it helps when I first got pregnant at 37 I was sad about giving up the life I had but I thought that I had done that part of my life for some time and now this was an opportunity to try a different and new path.