Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 ··· 14 15

Original poster

To be considering a termination at 38

366 replies

IonnaS · 27/10/2019 14:38

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

OP posts:

Elle7rose · 27/10/2019 18:08

"The doctor printed off the scan and then when I came back from getting my blood taken she'd left it on top of the shredder and honestly that was upsetting.

But why if it's just for shredding. Am an idiot."

This might mean something OP.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 27/10/2019 18:12

It means her doctor is anti abortion and should be ashamed of herself for upsetting a patient like that.

gwackywacky · 27/10/2019 18:12

@IonnaS Well OP, this really goes against your first posts but based on your last post - it actually sounds like you may subconsciously want to keep it?

Hey1256 · 27/10/2019 18:15

Someone once said to me in life we are much more likely to regret the things we didn't do than the things we did.

Your child won't be a baby forever, and like so many people who fall pregnant accidentally could turn out to be one of the best things you ever did.

A termination may make you always think 'what if' whereas the other way around I don't think you'd have Think you'd have those thoughts.

It could go either way, the problem is the only way you will know is if you have the baby as you'll know what life was like before and after. I just worry a termination could constantly give you the 'what ifs'

I also don't have children yet but can imagine when some other players say other people's kids are nothing like your own. I think there's probably truth to that.

With that said it isn't me looking after the baby it's you so....

I feel for you OP I'm sure it's not an easy thing for you to deal with X

Original poster

IonnaS · 27/10/2019 18:17

I think I want to want to keep it. If that makes sense. But I'm not sure I actually do.

I have been thinking about myself from a third person perspective. If I wasn't me what would I advise me to do. I think probably to continue the pregnancy but then the third party doesn't have to actually do all the interminably hard work. And I see what my friends do every day with their toddlers and I'm not sure I'm brave enough. I can imagine just losing it and walking out and then being disowned by everyone.

Sorry, Sunday night is not helping.

OP posts:

Baguetteaboutit · 27/10/2019 18:19

A termination may make you always think 'what if' whereas the other way around I don't think you'd have [those thoughts]

Just a cursory glance around Aibu, parenting, teenagers, chat, on any given day would dispell that bit of wisdom.

Clarabella77 · 27/10/2019 18:20

Unplanned pregnancies can be extremely traumatic. The burden of making the right decision for you is not easy without a crystal ball. Counselling would be a good thing to do to get to what you really feel and not what you or others think you should feel.

I have been there twice. The first time I was young and it was clear cut that I had a termination and I couldn't even imagine my life if I hadn't made that decision.

The second time it was less clear cut and after a lot of agonising, soul searching, drawing up lists of pros and cons and a session of counselling I went ahead. Ten years on I am happy with my life as a single parent to a lovely son but it has been tough and at times I questioned whether I had done the right thing.

However if I had had a termination I knew I would have regretted never having kids and I decided I couldn't live with that regret.

With a decision like this there may be regret either way but it's about which regret you can live with.

GabsAlot · 27/10/2019 18:20

I really dont think what that doctor said is appropriate its not her body or her life

i also disagree about saying you'll regret having a a termination-i had one and it was the best decision i ever made i was not meant to be a parent

JupiterBelle · 27/10/2019 18:20

It sounds like you want it but are trying to talk yourself out of wanting it.

gwackywacky · 27/10/2019 18:21

Well that's lovely OP. That through this thread you've started thinking you might want to keep it. Do you think that maybe your partner and those dynamics are influencing your feelings of not feeling like you could cope?

Leflic · 27/10/2019 18:21

IonnaS
I know that this seems unlikely to fit with having a small child but if there were some way that I could meld the two then I would do it. Part of me hopes that maybe you could be a portable duo and have adventures together. Or maybe freedom is a state of mind - perhaps love is a better adventure than 13 hours on a flipping jumbo jet.

Child rearing is what you make it. The rich and famous have kids as do the poor and war torn.Don’t think their day to day experiences are same.

This time next year you would be having “ babies first Christmas”. Does that fill you horror or happiness?

gwackywacky · 27/10/2019 18:24

Try and ask yourself the question this way (it's what I've been doing as I'm 32 and starting to wonder about kids): if you were with the type of guy who would be really hands on and enthusiastic, how would you feel about it then? Try and picture it.

What I'm saying is it could be that instinctively you want it, but because you also subconsciously dont feel reassured by the man, you could be letting the practical aspects colour what you emotionally want.

Or maybe I'm wise off the mark?

gwackywacky · 27/10/2019 18:24

Wide FFS

longestlurkerever · 27/10/2019 18:24

I think it's wrong to say only have a termination if you're 100% sure. Of course you could regret it and that would be awful, but bringing a child into the world and regretting it would be worse, for you and the child. Sometimes when it comes to decisions it helps to remember there is no one right answer, only different paths, both with pros and cons.

MummyGigi · 27/10/2019 18:25

@IonnaS my daughter who is 23 has always said she didn't want children. When she and her partner found out she was pregnant- she wasn't happy but he was (he has 2 children from a previous relationship. He's also 27). She decided she was going to put the baby up for adoption. She felt no connection to the baby whilst pregnant, she just wanted him out and gone. She felt no different when she gave birth through CS and continued to feel that way till he was 2 months old. I said I would adopt him, she didn't want that. So we agreed to keep him for 4 months (all along knowing she'll change her mind but not influencing her emotions). Then literally she woke up one day and was madly in love with him and that love has only grown since. She is still at university doing law and so happy she kept him.
She is NOT maternal at all! She absolutely adores him and calls me just to tell me how much she's in love with him.
Granted he has changed her life but for the better.
I just wanted to tell you this as she still goes out with her friends, ok perhaps not to pubs and gets drunk etc but she doesn't miss that life either.
Life doesn't end because you have a child. A new Life starts when you have a child. A life you can share with someone who are able to influence in so many ways.
Yes the world is going to pot and it's a worry most parents have but don't let that deter you.
I'm not trying to influence your decision but I also don't want you to think that because you feel this way now that you'll always feel that way.

Clarabella77 · 27/10/2019 18:25

I have just read your latest post about thinking you want to keep it but not being actually sure.

That is how I felt. But talking to other women who have planned their pregnancies there is always this fear and doubt when having a child because it is this giant leap into the unknown. Few of us can ever be 100 per cent free of doubts because it is a shit scary thing to do!

GabsAlot · 27/10/2019 18:25

Sounds the opposite to me jupiter like shes supposed to want it but doesnt

I would see a different doctor they dont sound like pro choice at all

Flightsoffancy · 27/10/2019 18:26

Don't think too much about about a toddler now! And you generally don't lose or forget them. One step at a time. It seems incredible, but you learn, or pick up, or guess how to do all the 'stuff' - the feeding and changing and weaning and burping. And then you find out you've done it wrong and guess what? It all worked out fine. We're just tackling potty training, not a bloody clue but it seems to be going OK Everyone worries about that stuff, no matter how much they want a baby. And nobody is properly prepared or ready for the reality because the reality is mad and overwhelming. It's also possible to continue feeling two things - as I said above, I love my daughter so much, but sometimes I have pangs for what was. Doesn't mean I don't want her! Doesn't mean I don't still fancy my old life a bit. This is big and confusing and impossible to give a straight answer to. So I might stop waffling on!

TatianaLarina · 27/10/2019 18:27

In addition to looking at yourself from outside, it might help to go other way as well - to tune in and go more deeply into yourself than normal. I find that quite helpful in determining what’s really in one’s heart and unconscious.

Booboosweet · 27/10/2019 18:27

Your body your choice but one piece of advice I would give you is if you do have any plans to be a parent, take this opportunity now. Ignore people with stories about giving birth at 44 Yadda Yadda. I acknowledge that some people are that lucky but the fact is that a huge number of people suffer secondary or age related infertility, it's just that most of us don't talk about it irl. Only my closest friends know. You only get told about the success stories. I really wanted to say this to you because you need to take it into account.

chipsychopsy · 27/10/2019 18:32

I don't know OP. There is no right or wrong answer. I suspect whichever option you choose will work out ok and have moments of 'what if'.

It's true what people say, you feel very differently about your own kids than others. I have no time for other people's children, never have and still don't.

Having a child might change your life completely, the old you might never reappear, and that might be ok. Similarly, you might remain the same person and parenthood might not alter your life very much at all.

It can simultaneously be the worst and best decision you've ever made.

Loud, yelping children only lasts a short time. How would it feel to have a 20 year old in your late 50s? Another adult who you love and find fascinating?

Early years parenting is really quite tough no matter how on board you are with the idea to begin with, but it's transient:

Nettleskeins · 27/10/2019 18:32

interminably hard work.
But you are seeing toddlers when they are screaming and throwing things and never sleep and get ill all the time, ruining your friends plans and freedom.
Yes, they do that.
But there is more than it than that. It is not just a conspiracy of silence that induces people to have children or even have relationships. By the same token, no-one would ever have a partner or ever commit themselves to anyone, seeing as so many people have such bad experiences.
It's the Three Wise Monkeys innit.

mamandematribu · 27/10/2019 18:33

It's your choice op. I believe the doctor is obliged to point out to you that at your age it might be your last chance to have a baby.
But if you really are not maternal and do not want a baby then maybe you have your answer already??
Good luck 💐

GabsAlot · 27/10/2019 18:35

Didnt op state earlier she had a red discharge and though thank god-so theres your answer you were relieved at the thought of not being pregnant

middlemuddle · 27/10/2019 18:38

I'd say by 38 you know the answer.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 ··· 14 15