Am I a CF? To think that she wants to say no but doesn't know how?

[nomeansno1]

I’m starting work soon, and asked a mum friend of mine if she could look after DS3, Monday-Thursday 9-1pm, and take him nursery at 1pm just until Christmas. He’s at nursery from 1-4pm.

In return I will pick her kids up from school everyday, and take them to their activities and drop them home. They go to the same school and do the same activities/clubs as my older two children.
I asked her because she has a DD a year younger than my DS, lives opposite me, and she knows the nursery as her DC use to go there. She’s always said if I needed help, I should just ask. I just want her to help me out in the mornings.

I sent her the message yesterday, she has read it but hasn’t replied. Now I’m thinking maybe I’m coming off as a CF, and she wants to say no, but doesn’t know how. I’d rather her just say no, then completely blank me. It’s awkward, don’t know what to do now

You are a massive CF, hth

You are a massive CF. She gets to do 4 hours free childcare a day. You on the other hand are just collecting your own children and letting hers tag along. You would be doing that any way.
Someone tried this shit on me. It left things very awkward.

Just in case it is a reverse,

a quick reply "I am afraid that it is not possible, good luck" is the politest one I can come up with.

To my mind you are being very unreasonable asking this. It would have been bad enough asking her to have a toddler 9-1 four days a week ...which presumably giving him lunch as well ...but then to get two toddlers coats on, toilet or nappies changed ext ext and to take yours to nursery??? Where she wasn't going herself??? That's her day gone then. By the time she drops your child off, coat off said goodbye ext ...then trails ack home with her own toddler and collapses at home with a coffee it will be time for dinner prep and her school age kid coming home. And you think picking hers up with yours and on to activities ...something you would have had to do anyway is a fair swop??? Look even grandparents doing this level of childcare are doing a huge favour ...and that's for their own families. SAHPs not making money are doing this because it suits their own family needs not to provide free long term childcare for working parents.

When people say 'let me know if you need any help ...they mean if one day your childcare suddenly falls through or you can't do pick up because you have a hospital appointment or one of your kids has had an accident. In other words a sudden emergency ...not long term child care. I think this must be a reverse

Yes, of course you are, so text her telling her you know you've been a CF and you'll sort something else, let's pretend it never happened, and then take her a bottle of plonk or homemade cake or something.

Well I used to just 'be at home' @justmakeitbetter...running my own business from home whilst I looked after MY OWN child.

Why couldn't I also have someone else's child? Oh, could be because I also had care responsibilities for my mum, who has Alzheimer's. People wouldn't know that from the outside - she lived in sheltered accommodation which DS and I used to visit to help her out. I didn't go around bleating about my life to everyone as it was my business.

And, apart from that, I wouldn't have agreed to look after another person's child that regularly because I DIDN'T WANT TO. If I had, I'd have been a child minder for a living.

Just because a woman is 'at home anyway' does not mean they are idle and can be used by someone who hasn't got their act together. Men and women have many reasons for not being at work and not all of them are through choice. And even if it were choice, it's their choice. A person doesn't have to do something because 'they're home anyway'.

The point is it's not just about paying for snacks. The OP's neighbour may go to a few things each week with her child. Let's say soft play and one of those music/sing song groups. Soft play in our area is £4 - £6 per session. Looking our local music/sing song group, one in our area is £6.50 a session. So that's £10.50p per week minimum for those two for the neighbour. Add in the OP's child and you're talking £21 per week unless the OP pays up for their child.

What if the OP can't afford that each week on top of nursery bills? What if they don't like a particular group for their child? The neighbour's child goes without for 6 weeks? Or the neighbour pays out of her own, non earning pocket. That's really women helping each other out isn't it?!

What?! You are having us on surely?!

I know you've realised by now, but you're definitely CF. Basic rule of thumb for me, if you're asking is that what you're offering in return should be at least the same amount as what you're asking.

You are asking for her to look after your toddler 9-1 ie 4 hours which includes feeding lunch and taking them to nursery. Adding an extra toddler is not like adding a school friend, which can entertain your child. It's another child to entertain, to take to the toilet/change nappies, wrestle into the car etc. It adds complication to your dc rather than making them easier.

In return you were offering picking their dc up from school, which you'd do anyway, and take them to an activity, which you're doing anyway, and then bring them home again, which you're doing anyway. You're not entertaining/feeding them.

So you are basically asking her for a big commitment that you could easily be paying over £100s per week, in return for very little.
And actually I liked picking the dc up from school, hearing what they'd done etc, and my dc would not have appreciated not being picked up 4 days a week.

Offering to help means saying "My childminder's ill, could you take them today." or "I've got a dentist appointment first thing and I need to leave half an hour earlier, would you mind taking dc to school" not an every day thing.

I'd backtrack very quickly, or you'll have lost her as an emergency call, because she'll wonder if she agrees whether you'll push for more.

And those who are saying that's just till Christmas. Well, other than the possibility of the person turning round and saying "well, it was going so well, I was assuming we'd continue", that's not a short length of time. It's 2 months. And December they may well have Christmas plays in the morning-taking 2 toddlers along to that won't be fun, want to do Christmas shopping (not too hard with 1 in the buggy)etc.

Are you paying her ? If nothing is offered you are delusional. No wonder she has nee replied.

No one has to justify themselves.

OP might be at home every weekend, is she offering to babysit every mornings until Christmas?

to be fair, even if she had nothing better to do and could offer to give up her weekends, it wouldn't mean anyone else should too

Pmsl at the thought of having someone elses child for 4 hours a day for free,yep CF.

Oh wow OP. Here's your arse, on a plate.

So you want to dump YOUR toddler on HER 16hrs a week, and in return, you’ll be doing all HER pickups and clubs with HER OWN children, thereby depriving her of what might be special time for her and her children?

Nope. Putting aside the 16hrs childcare - I would hate to not pickup my own kids when they and I were used to me always picking them up. No chance to speak to teacher if needed, or teacher to the mum. And missing watching them in their clubs/activities, them really wanting me to be there, but I’m not, because some random woman is doing it?

Nope nope nope.

It's too much of an ask. She risks her younger DC being upset with someone sharing her toys, potentially losing her child free time while her toddler naps every day, maybe the drop off clashes with her DC's nap? Her child loses all their one to one time, she wouldn't be able to do morning classes worth her toddler, she wouldn't be able to go shopping easily, would struggle with playgroups, might find it hard to have playdates and friends round. It really depends if she finds her mornings or afternoons easier wether she thinks it's too bit an ask. Personally I hate school runs with a passion and I'd rather give up my one to one mornings with my toddler if someone else would do them for me, but it is a big ask. She may enjoy the school run, it may be her only social time.

That should be funded by government to help them stay at home if they want to.

justmakeitbetter. It may have escaped your notice that government doesn’t actually have any money of its own. It is taxpayers that fund services. And I’m sure as hell not working my arse off so you can sit on yours. HTH.

If she agreed to do it for €100 a week, would you still agree to help out with some of the club drop offs and collections? Sure, if you're going anyway...

I would be seriously cheesed off as a sahm if anyone asked me this. I shouldn't have to say no to ridiculous requests. My time isn't free to all comers. You want someone to work, you pay for it.

for €100 a week

the minimum wage being £8.21 an hour, it would be nowhere near enough anyway...

Oh dear, OP (f you ever come back!). You need to retract that request, apologise profusely, then get some formal childcare in place ASAP.

Absolute cheeky fuckery, unless you are offering to pay her at normal child minding rates. An occasional favour is one thing, four days a week is another. Unless this is a reverse and you’ve got the answer you’re looking for, you’d better go back sharpish and say “Sorry, of course I meant to say I’d pay you the going rate for childcare. Obviously not expecting you to do it for free!”

This is CF.
A while back I looked after a family member for free (which is permitted, without being a childminder), and that was hard enough knowing that if I was getting paid I would have had £100 a week.

Sorry OP, I think that's far too much to ask. Unless you're offering to pay her, and even so if she's not a childminder it's very cheeky. 16 hours a week is at least £400 a months worth of childcare.

When she said help she probably meant the odd emergency.

And what if she is ill, or her baby unwell? Are you gonna be guilttripping her to still take care of your chid?
This must be one of the most ridiculous threads of Mumsnet ever. If I was your 'friend' I would probably just block you, what cheek to expect someone to put all that time and effort just because they were being kind and fofered help!

You are being unbelievably demanding, I would never dream of asking someone I knew really well to do this. You should never have put her in this position. Now she feels wretched for saying no, wretched for saying yes. Nice one .