Husband STILL isn't up.

[ifhink]

H still isn't up. I work FT whilst he's a SAHP. DC were up at 8am (we had a rough night) and I got up. Been up twice to get him to come and yet nothing. I do all the night feeds with DC2. Earlier on in the week he said he wasn't sure if he wants to be with me anymore. He's going on holiday alone next week so I had to take a weeks holiday to watch the kids (we were not welcome to join him). AIBU to be mega pissed off?

I dont think I'd have any sympathy if it was the other way around.

He quit his job without OP s agreement and they lost their house - that's not a family decision that he was a SAHP that's him saying fuck you I'm making the decisions here. And it doesnt sound like he does anything other than look after the children in the day - which is fair enough- but doesnt sound like he does equal at nights / weekends either.

OP please listen to everyone and go and see a solicitor while he is away. Please

And for what reason does he say he needs this holiday? Can't believe his mother is even entertaining it. Does she know it's only for him?

If the roles were reversed and a female SAHP had forced her partner to go back to work two weeks after giving birth

But carrying a child and giving birth to it is a huge physical strain on a woman's body. I think we've got used to minimising the physical effects f pregnancy, because theres so much discrimination against pregnant women, and women on maternity leave, that we tend to try to minimise the actual physical toll on our bodies & our health.

why does he get money into his account each month? Is this an allowance? What is he buying?
So he's using your hard earned cash and benefits to fund his holiday?

Does his mum live with you too or just his dad (I know you are in his dad's house.)

Seriously, this man does not love you and if you see this as 'love' you are very mistaken.

You need therapy because it's clear you have no idea what love is. It's mutual respect for a start and pulling together as a couple.

You might have latched onto a man who you 'love' because at one time he gave you some attention, but it's not love from his side.

As PPs have said, you need to start planning. See a marriage lawyer. Work out the money so you can leave and go into rented accommodation with your DCs. And look into child care.
And you DH will have to get his lazy arse off the sofa and get a job so he can pay maintenance for your two kids.

Why would you want to be with such a scumbag?

Sometimes you read a thread and you think
Why has this women got such low expectations,and wtf are you doing with such a waste of space
Words fail me

Are you the parent who was going to move to Wales and didn’t think this would cause issues with contact despite the fact that your children would be in Scotland?

Has he always been like this? If not, an underlying cause doesn’t excuse anything awful he has done, but it may explain them.

The maternity leave thing is difficult, why couldn’t you get maternity pay? Obviously any family needs an income, so money had to come in from somewhere, but surely you and your husband were trying to solve this long before the baby was born?

1. He would be considered the primary carer, so the children would remain with him to maintain their routine as much as possible. It appears they are being neglected, lack of tooth brushing, not changing nappies etc. My worry is the question of “what did you do to stop this?” A parent knowingly leaving their children with a neglectful parent isn’t ideal. So you need to take steps to show you are attempting to solve this problem, next week will be ideal for this.

1. Finances, have you looked to see what support you can get on top of your wages? As he would be considered the resident parent you would have to enter no dependents on benefit calculators. Do you earn enough to rent a small property nearish to your current home?

1. Start altering the home set up, you can tell anyone he is neglecting the children, but where is the proof? If you get home and a nappy has been on all day take some pictures on a phone. Ask via text etc why he hasn’t changed their nappy, if he replies confirming he hasn’t then screen shot it.

1. Childcare, can your children get any free hours? If so try to get your husband to use them, obviously I understand you may not be able to do drop off etc depending on your working hours.

1. Find a local solicitor willing to do a free 30 minute session to discuss your worries and ask for the best next step to take.

Look after yourself, a good parent is one who looks after their own physical and mental health. If you are not okay the best thing to do is seek help.

It sounds like he opted to be a sahd as the lesser of two evils but that ultimately, he doesn't want to be either a sahd nor working to support his family.

What you really need to ask yourself is what it is about him that makes you love him so much despite the fact that he seems to bring little to the relationship how you describe it here.

Do you think he’s depressed? You’re obviously both very overwhelmed just now and not communicating. Where is he planning to go to for a week? Can you arrange some time to be alone before he goes and just talk things over?

OP please tell me you don;t actually live like this? You are being abused left right and center by this pillock and his family....I don;t know what to say to you to make you realise this fact.....Please ring womans aid first chance you can ......your life could be so different. One thing I know is he doesnt love you or your kids...if you cannot break free for yourself break free for them......

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe no it's true, is women's aid job judgemental and there for just a chat as opposed to legal advice?

Non * not job

Depressed?

He forces his wife to go back to work when she has a tiny baby and you think that's because he's depressed??

But carrying a child and giving birth to it is a huge physical strain on a woman's body. I think we've got used to minimising the physical effects f pregnancy, because theres so much discrimination against pregnant women, and women on maternity leave, that we tend to try to minimise the actual physical toll on our bodies & our health.

It is indeed. That's a large part of the reason why I don't think this scenario is a good candidate for a what if it were a woman being criticised argument.

@ifhink Women’s aid are wonderful. So helpful and non-judgmental. They are there for any women or girls who has been affected by domestic abuse, whether physical, financial, emotional, sexual, whatever. I honestly credit them with helping me turn my life around. They can provide a listening ear if that’s what you want, but also practical support with things like benefits and housing. Some also can help you access legal advice if you need it.

There is no way on this earth that I would pay his mother for that holiday. He and she can argue about it between themselves.

How long have have you livied with FIL? Are you on the council waiting list or bidding for a property? Is the MIL in the same house?

He might need a break but then so do you. He doesn't want to live with you.
He doesn't want to holiday with you
He doesn't want to work at home.or out of the home.
He hasn't supplied a house for you and so you dont have that asset to fight over but...he will take your kids.and your money if you do t take them.first.
Good luck
Marriage is over.

Womans aid will help you no end lovely lady,They never judge they listen.Please call them ....please 0808 2000 247....get the call made when its safe for you to do so and be brave have courage to find a new life for yourself and your children ..away from this monster and he is a monster....You can do this have faith in yourself and let others help you too...please.

@SimonJT I am sure you are trying to help but....

your 'solution' appears to be that the OP moves out and leaves her children with this man. Why would she do that?

All children are entitled to 15 hrs a week free childcare over a certain age.

Also, she didn't say he was not changing the nappy- this appears to be posters' 'Chinese whispers'- she said the nappy was clean but he had not dressed the child.

In the longer term OP, you need to think about getting training and qualifications so you can move beyond a minimum wage role, and earn decent money to support you kids and yourself.

Look into creches that are provided by colleges of FE, look into free childcare.

You need to tell your DH you want a divorce. But before then get your ducks in a row and see a solicitor. Some will allow you a 30 min free chat (not all.)

You and your DH need to sit down as adults and discuss the care of your children and how it will work without going to court, which is a nightmare, and work in the best interests of your DCs.

Op I don't think there's enough info here for anyone to give advice.

Do you actually live with his Dad or both his parents?

Do you want to leave? Or do you want to cross you fingers and hope?

If so do you want to have shared care, or be resident or non-resident parent?

Currently if he wants to split up he'd be the resident parent and you'd need to pay him a chunk of your earnings. I'd find that hard to swallow myself.

Sounds like he is royally taking the piss.
Not sure if you live with PIL?
Tell him you're not sure you want to live with him anymote either, he needs to find someone else to keep him or get a job. Hopefully he will decide to leave, permanently

@WorraLiberty thank you!

@ifhink is your DH depressed? Says he wants to leave you, doesn’t want to work, is still in bed, ignoring the world, ignoring responsibilities, going away on his own - not an excuse but a reason? Especially the not working bit and staying in bed bit.

Seen this all before.

@JinglingHellsBells In a previous thread she said she was going to move to Wales while the children remain in Scotland, I’m not sure why her plan is now my idea? She also said on that thread that sometimes the childs nappy has not been changed at all while she has been at work. The husband would also be considered the primary carer, so would become the resident parent in the case of a split.

The rules on free childcare are different in Scotland compared to Eng/Wales.

@SimonJT I don't read other threads, just the one here. If there is a long back story the OP needs to post that.

@ifhink time to get your ducks in a row. He might be depressed but after reading your other thread he isn’t a SAHP he’s a fucking lazy piece of shit! Who can’t even care for his own DC and family properly!

He doesn’t get up in the night with your DC, leaves her undressed during the day, and this which I’ve read on your other post is truly awful He forced me to go back to work 7weeks PP with DD2 (part time and then full time 12 weeks PP)

He also hasn’t been supportive in your recent miscarriage! 😡 and then he wants to fuck off on holiday! 😡😡😡😡😡

Please contact your local council and sort some emergency housing out, stop your wages going into his bank account and leave this bastard whilst he’s sunning himself on holiday! And no way should you be paying his mother back for HIS holiday, and spare money should be going towards a deposit for a rental property, however if you leave him and get your own rental property you’ll probably also be able to get some help towards it from universal credit. Also local councils can help with deposits for rental properties as they have a discretionary housing budget for people on low incomes and are in crisis.